It was 8am and my heart was racing. Not the racing you get when you're talking to your crush. No. It was an entire-body type of rhythm that caused my entire body to shake. For just a millisecond, it feels like excitement. It feels like something good is going to happen any minute now. Then...the feeling changes. The awful swarm of bees (it's not butterflies when it's not a good feeling) start in my stomach; I feel my face heat from the neck up; my head starts pounding and I feel slightly nauseous; I want to welcome the blanket of darkness that is beginning to cover me. I can't catch my breath. I begin sweating for unknown reasons. I feel like I can't get control of my own body.
Years ago, I wouldn't have had any clue what was going on. I would've thought I was absolutely crazy. I would've thought that the feelings had something to do with the amount of coffee I drank the night before. I would've never guessed that I was having an anxiety attack.
Anxiety is hard to explain to people that don't know what it is or what its symptoms look like. It's hard to explain when all you're told is "Calm down. It'll be okay."
No. It won't.
Anxiety isn't something that you can magically make disappear. It is something that people live with and is quite hard to explain when even you have no idea what is going on inside your mind.
I thought for a while (throughout my college career) that I was just depressed and that there has just a black hole in my mind. Now, after speaking with a counselor about my issues and life, I found that I'm not necessarily depressed, but anxious. And while I don't have prescribed medicine for my anxiety, I do have things that I do on a daily basis to fight the monster that is anxiety.
Anxiety looks like a normal day. It is good and yet, it is bad. It tells me that it's okay to stay in bed and sleep all day...I need the rest. It tells me that I shouldn't go out at night so I can get to class in the morning and then turns around and tells me that I am such a loser for staying in my room by myself and then says there isn't a point in going to class.
Anxiety suffocates me. It tells me I am worthless. It tells me that nobody cares about me and yet anxiety is my best friend because it tricks me.
Anxiety tells me to make a list of things to do for the day and then tells me to throw it out because there is simply too much to do. It tells me to take my time and then chastises me for making myself late. It tells me that it's too much to walk to get dinner from the dining hall. It tells me that there are people there that I don't want to see.
Anxiety soothes me and tells me that I am blessed to have found a major that I love and that I am rare and lucky to have not changed majors at all. Then it tells me that animal science isn't a real career without vet school and that I will never find a job I truly love.
It tells me not to make a scene by throwing away trash during class. It tells me that I shouldn't go to the bathroom during a meeting because everyone will stare at me. It tells me not to answer that phone call and to let the voicemail pick it up. Then, tells me that I shouldn't listen to the voicemail because it's probably just bad news.
It is going to the store and not being able to choose what you really want. It is making you feel like you have to buy everything there and then berates you for spending money. It is going to the self-checkout line so you won't have to converse with anybody.
Anxiety makes me feel overwhelmed about stopping for gas when the light comes on. It makes me want to do new things to my hair and makeup, but then tells me there is no use because it won't change me.
Anxiety is making plans with friends and then canceling because you don't want to go out.
It is a fake smile. It is sweaty palms and a dizzy head. It is a furrowed brow and a rapidly beating heart. It is lonely. It is evil. It is a shadow of darkness covering me when I am alone. It even covers me when I am with a group of people.
Anxiety is misunderstood.
But, let me tell you something. It is not always in control. Yes, it is envious and doesn't want to share me with anyone else. But, I know people are struggling, just like me, and so I share myself anyways.
I'm here to tell you that you are not alone in this. Should I repeat that?
YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE.
You don't have to fight this alone. There are people all around who are struggling with this. I only found out this year that people who are close to me are struggling with this as much as I am.
The minute I realized I was having an attack this morning, I texted a close friend and made plans for dinner. They are a person who won't judge me for anything and someone that I know I can open up to no matter what. I also told my boyfriend how I was feeling and he sent comforting and encouraging words to me. He helped calm my heart and gave me the strength to get up and get ready for the day. I even called to make an appointment with my counselor. I knew that I needed to talk through my feelings and a therapist is a great way to do that. So, find people like that--people who will always be there for you no matter what. Trust me, it makes a huge difference in your life.
Anxiety isn't something to take lightly. It is serious and it is out there. People with anxiety don't want to share their experience. That's a part of being constantly anxious. But, anxiety is not always in control. It isn't. You are. So speak up. Fight. And remember, we are here for you.
If you ever need someone to talk to, I am always available to listen. You can message me on here, or, if I know you, text me. Message me on Facebook. I am here for you. You don't have to do this alone. Much love to you and everyone who is struggling with this.
In His Name.
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