Patient

I am definitely one of those people that says "patience is a virtue". I believe that everything will happen in its own time and that God has a plan for everything.

However, I feel that, at this time in our nation, we need to be practicing patience more than anything. Things are a little crazy and I'm finding it hard be patient. With the election happening today and with graduation less than six months away (OMG), I find myself getting more and more stressed and wanting to get it all over and done with.

So, let's talk about what it means to be patient in our lives.

Patience is not a personality trait…

Despite our great wish that it could be so simple to excuse it’s absence in us. It does not come naturally or easily to any us. It is a character trait. It must be developed, honed, grown, tried, tested, proven. We are, naturally, selfish creatures, desiring our own way in our own timing always. Conscious effort must be made to flourish Patience. And how is Patience grown? In trials of course! Trials breed Patience, patience keeps us safe in trials. It is a cycle of growth, with each struggle we become equipped to handle the next. With each one growing in strength of character until we are who we were made to be.

It's not laziness or "passive waiting"...

And it's not a hardship, no matter what we all believe...

 Yes, patience will carry us through hardship, but do not get the idea that in accepting the task of learning Patience that you are subjecting yourself to a dismal existence. No! Patience is the very force that enables us to be able to live gloriously though all around you be broken. For Patience sees through the present gloom into the future brightness. Patience doesn’t just smile bravely as hell breaks loose around you. Patience smiles with a secret that it knows, though no one else can see it. Living in Patience is like living in the week before Christmas. The present is still a mystery, yet there is that package under the tree; bright, shiny, making you smile with anticipation whenever you think of it. You cannot open the present today, but you know that it is prepared for you. And so you are happy. THAT is Patience.

One of my favorite verses is in James. It says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" (James 1:2-4).

STORY TIME!

About two weeks ago, I received a call from my mother. It was like any normal call except for the very end. Apparently, we were having some financial aid issues and we lost some grant money that we were supposed to receive to help pay for my education at Berry. There was miscommunication through everyone and for a little bit, I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to finish my senior year.

I didn't want to be patient about any of it. I wanted things to figure themselves out and I didn't want to worry about any of it! I mean, isn't that what anybody would be wishing for??

So, I had to go meet with my financial advisor and figure things out and eventually had to write an appeal letter to Berry to try and get grants or loans to help me and my family out. It was stressful and I was on the edge of my seat for about a week.

Fast forward to today.

I was laying in bed and watching a movie, not really doing much of anything. I heard my phone ring, notifying me of an email from someone at Berry. I opened it and saw an email from financial aid and immediately my heart started pounding. I didn't want to open it. I just assumed that it would be bad news. However, I built up the courage and opened the email... And you know what?

My appeal was approved! That's right, Berry granted me more financial aid to help with my education and I will still be able to graduate on time next May!

After opening that email, I began to sob. Literally sob in my bed. I was so overwhelmed with everything that I just broke down.

Guys...God is so so good. I felt so stupid for being stressed out about this thing in life. I really should've trusted God with the weight of those burdens. Yet, I took it all upon myself to carry those weights.

You see, that story can apply to the rest of life. Especially with this election going on right now.

We need to stop stressing and worrying about everything. Yes, this election is crazy and yes, there are awful things going on in this country. But, we need to cast all those burdens on the Lord.

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)

"Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken." (Psalm 55:22)

We need to come together and be patient. We should not fear anything that happens on this world. For we have a heavenly world waiting for us. The bible clearly says "do not fear" 365 times. That is enough for every day of the year. 

So, let us not fear the future. Let us not worry about whatever will happen with this election. Let's cast all our anxieties upon the Lord and trust that He has the perfect plan for us. 

And remember, Christ is King. He will not forsake us. 

In His Name.

Anxious

When I woke up this morning, that feeling was back. That looming feeling of dread.

It was 8am and my heart was racing. Not the racing you get when you're talking to your crush. No. It was an entire-body type of rhythm that caused my entire body to shake. For just a millisecond, it feels like excitement. It feels like something good is going to happen any minute now. Then...the feeling changes. The awful swarm of bees (it's not butterflies when it's not a good feeling) start in my stomach; I feel my face heat from the neck up; my head starts pounding and I feel slightly nauseous; I want to welcome the blanket of darkness that is beginning to cover me. I can't catch my breath. I begin sweating for unknown reasons. I feel like I can't get control of my own body.

Years ago, I wouldn't have had any clue what was going on. I would've thought I was absolutely crazy. I would've thought that the feelings had something to do with the amount of coffee I drank the night before. I would've never guessed that I was having an anxiety attack.

Anxiety is hard to explain to people that don't know what it is or what its symptoms look like. It's hard to explain when all you're told is "Calm down. It'll be okay."

No. It won't.

Anxiety isn't something that you can magically make disappear. It is something that people live with and is quite hard to explain when even you have no idea what is going on inside your mind.

I thought for a while (throughout my college career) that I was just depressed and that there has just a black hole in my mind. Now, after speaking with a counselor about my issues and life, I found that I'm not necessarily depressed, but anxious. And while I don't have prescribed medicine for my anxiety, I do have things that I do on a daily basis to fight the monster that is anxiety.

Anxiety looks like a normal day. It is good and yet, it is bad. It tells me that it's okay to stay in bed and sleep all day...I need the rest. It tells me that I shouldn't go out at night so I can get to class in the morning and then turns around and tells me that I am such a loser for staying in my room by myself and then says there isn't a point in going to class.

Anxiety suffocates me. It tells me I am worthless. It tells me that nobody cares about me and yet anxiety is my best friend because it tricks me.

Anxiety tells me to make a list of things to do for the day and then tells me to throw it out because there is simply too much to do. It tells me to take my time and then chastises me for making myself late. It tells me that it's too much to walk to get dinner from the dining hall. It tells me that there are people there that I don't want to see.

Anxiety soothes me and tells me that I am blessed to have found a major that I love and that I am rare and lucky to have not changed majors at all. Then it tells me that animal science isn't a real career without vet school and that I will never find a job I truly love.

It tells me not to make a scene by throwing away trash during class. It tells me that I shouldn't go to the bathroom during a meeting because everyone will stare at me. It tells me not to answer that phone call and to let the voicemail pick it up. Then, tells me that I shouldn't listen to the voicemail because it's probably just bad news.

It is going to the store and not being able to choose what you really want. It is making you feel like you have to buy everything there and then berates you for spending money. It is going to the self-checkout line so you won't have to converse with anybody.

Anxiety makes me feel overwhelmed about stopping for gas when the light comes on. It makes me want to do new things to my hair and makeup, but then tells me there is no use because it won't change me.

Anxiety is making plans with friends and then canceling because you don't want to go out.

It is a fake smile. It is sweaty palms and a dizzy head. It is a furrowed brow and a rapidly beating heart. It is lonely. It is evil. It is a shadow of darkness covering me when I am alone. It even covers me when I am with a group of people.

Anxiety is misunderstood.

But, let me tell you something. It is not always in control. Yes, it is envious and doesn't want to share me with anyone else. But, I know people are struggling, just like me, and so I share myself anyways.

I'm here to tell you that you are not alone in this. Should I repeat that?

YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE.

You don't have to fight this alone. There are people all around who are struggling with this. I only found out this year that people who are close to me are struggling with this as much as I am.

The minute I realized I was having an attack this morning, I texted a close friend and made plans for dinner. They are a person who won't judge me for anything and someone that I know I can open up to no matter what. I also told my boyfriend how I was feeling and he sent comforting and encouraging words to me. He helped calm my heart and gave me the strength to get up and get ready for the day. I even called to make an appointment with my counselor. I knew that I needed to talk through my feelings and a therapist is a great way to do that. So, find people like that--people who will always be there for you no matter what. Trust me, it makes a huge difference in your life.

Anxiety isn't something to take lightly. It is serious and it is out there. People with anxiety don't want to share their experience. That's a part of being constantly anxious. But, anxiety is not always in control. It isn't. You are. So speak up. Fight. And remember, we are here for you.

If you ever need someone to talk to, I am always available to listen. You can message me on here, or, if I know you, text me. Message me on Facebook. I am here for you. You don't have to do this alone. Much love to you and everyone who is struggling with this.

In His Name.