Glow Stick

As I sit here watching The Santa Claus and drinking hot chocolate from my favorite Christmas mug, I am filled with so much peace I can't even describe it. My Christmas tree is lit, the room smells like fir trees and chocolate, and I can't stop smiling at the antics of Tim Allen.

This mood is far different than the one I had a few nights ago.

That night, I wasn't happy, I wasn't peaceful and I wasn't feeling the Christmas cheer. I just wanted to lay in bed and sleep the darkness away.

I'm not going to lie...I have nights like that every other month or so. My brain mis-wires and I just shut down. Most of the time, my fiancé (yes! I am engaged! 💑) can't even be the one to comfort me. So, I end up locking myself in my own head until it all goes away.

Those nights are not fun. Not for me and especially not for him. I can't imagine what he feels like when there isn't anything he can do for me. And usually, I can't find anything to help myself either. It's an awful feeling..the helplessness...the darkness...all of it.

The morning after a night like that is usually much better. I'm in a better mood and I can feel things again. This particular morning, however, a Facebook post caught my eye...

And I lost it.

I wanted to run and hide and cry my eyes out because everything in that post was 100% true for me. The only problem? I couldn't hide from God.

This post talked about how we can shine as humans and how we must be broken in order to do so.

You see, we, as humans, are like glow sticks. We sit in our packaging, dark and uninteresting. We may be colorful, but those colors are dull, lifeless. Our potential is very low.

We aren't doing what we were created to do. 

But imagine this: God takes you--a dark, boring glow stick--and breaks you. He breaks you to your very core. To the point where you are bruised, battered and cracked. Then, something amazing happens...

You begin to shine. 

The light that has been hiding inside you all along begins to show. Starting from your core and spreading outward. You get brighter and brighter until all you do is shine.

Sometimes you have to break before you can shine.

God works in so many mysterious, but wondrous ways. He is always working. In you. Around you. For you. He is shaping and molding you into the person he created you to be. Don't push yourself away from Him. Allow Him to break you. Allow Him to place His hands on you so that you can live to your fullest potential.

You see, these dark nights in my life...those are just nights that I need to be broken again in order to shine. I just need to allow God to place His hands on me so that I can shine again.

My life has been a mess of highs and lows, but I am thankful for every single one of them.  Without those moments in my life, I wouldn't be where I am today. I thank God every day for my journey and for Him putting me on it.

So, remember, don't be afraid to break every once in a while. You have to do it in order to shine.

In His Name.

Hopeful

When I was a freshman in college, I wrote a letter to myself and tucked it away for when I was about to graduate as a senior. I forgot all about it. Today, I pulled it out and read it and cried. And cried. And cried. I was not aware of how much I needed this today. Sometimes the biggest blessings are the ones you don't see coming. I am going to share this letter with you, because I think it is something everyone needs to hear. Especially those who are graduating in a few days. Much love. 

Dear Kaitlyn, 

I am so proud of you. You’ve worked really hard to get where you are, and I want you to relax now. You have so many good things coming, you don’t have to work as hard as you think you do. Enjoy your life and watch things unfold, all in perfect time. Time to square your shoulders back, hold your head high, and keep moving through your life with grace and ease. And don’t forget to smile!

I can tell you that you will not remember all those little tasks, deadlines and emails you worry about. You’ve got the small stuff covered. You’ve accomplished every goal you’ve ever set and then some. I hope you are as proud of yourself as I am.

Amidst all the external definitions of success, please don’t forget to look inward.

A few reminders:

Take care of yourself. Eat well. Exercise. Get outside. Get plenty of sleep. Rest and remember to spend plenty of time alone. Put yourself first so that you can share your best gifts with the world.

Be nicer to yourself. Weighing ten pounds less does not make you a better or more interesting person. Weighing ten or twenty pounds more does not make you unloveable. For every day or every moment you criticize yourself, you are cheating yourself out of your fullest joy.

Face some hard truths. You will hit rough patches. You will have more “lowest moments of your life.” Again you will find yourself feeling dark and depressed. Again you will find yourself going to sleep fully clothed because you cannot muster the emotional energy to get undressed. These moments always turn out to be your best teachers. These are the moments that will help you serve others in new, extraordinary ways.

Let people in. You will know when the time is right. When it is, let go. Let yourself love with abandon. You don’t have to protect yourself so much. You will still be able to take care of yourself if and when these relationships end, and they will have given you new perspectives on life.

Forgive yourself. It’s time to stop carrying all that guilt. That you could have been nicer, more accommodating, more supportive, more generous, more selfless; that you could have given more time and attention – or even more love. The past is in the past, and you are doing the very best you can. The very best does not mean perfect. It is okay if you aren’t perfect — none of us are.

Live your life on your own terms. Stop looking for everyone’s approval. Stop living in fear that if you say or do the wrong thing, you will lose people forever. If that happens, it wasn’t meant to be. Stop auditioning for other people’s lives and embrace yourself, exactly as you are.

A note on judging others. It is so easy to do – we all do it. But be careful who you judge, what you turn your nose up to, and the opinions you rally behind without questioning. They almost always come back to teach you a lesson by giving you the very experience that you were so quick to judge. Treat others with respect, compassion and an open-mind at every possible moment.

You are capable of so much more than you even realize. We all are. You have infinite power at your fingertips and it’s just waiting for you to engage it. Take those risks you are afraid of taking. Trust yourself.

You’ve gotten yourself this far in your life — keep going. Even more greatness lies ahead if you can just take the leap, even in those moments where you can’t see the other side yet. Dream even bigger! Reach for the stars – they are waiting for you.

Soak it up, baby! Whew – this is heavy stuff. Remember not to take yourself too seriously! Lighten up, laugh, have fun, be young, sing and dance your heart out. Celebrate! Be thankful for all of your gifts and blessings. Honor them by letting yourself experience bliss at every opportunity. Let the bliss grow and expand. Sprinkle gold dust around everyone and everything you can see.

I know you know this, because you’ve said it before — you already have everything you need. 

Time to stop chasing and start embracing. I have no doubt you will do it with flying colors. You already have.

Oodles of love and cupcakes,
Kaitlyn (of 2013)

Patient

I am definitely one of those people that says "patience is a virtue". I believe that everything will happen in its own time and that God has a plan for everything.

However, I feel that, at this time in our nation, we need to be practicing patience more than anything. Things are a little crazy and I'm finding it hard be patient. With the election happening today and with graduation less than six months away (OMG), I find myself getting more and more stressed and wanting to get it all over and done with.

So, let's talk about what it means to be patient in our lives.

Patience is not a personality trait…

Despite our great wish that it could be so simple to excuse it’s absence in us. It does not come naturally or easily to any us. It is a character trait. It must be developed, honed, grown, tried, tested, proven. We are, naturally, selfish creatures, desiring our own way in our own timing always. Conscious effort must be made to flourish Patience. And how is Patience grown? In trials of course! Trials breed Patience, patience keeps us safe in trials. It is a cycle of growth, with each struggle we become equipped to handle the next. With each one growing in strength of character until we are who we were made to be.

It's not laziness or "passive waiting"...

And it's not a hardship, no matter what we all believe...

 Yes, patience will carry us through hardship, but do not get the idea that in accepting the task of learning Patience that you are subjecting yourself to a dismal existence. No! Patience is the very force that enables us to be able to live gloriously though all around you be broken. For Patience sees through the present gloom into the future brightness. Patience doesn’t just smile bravely as hell breaks loose around you. Patience smiles with a secret that it knows, though no one else can see it. Living in Patience is like living in the week before Christmas. The present is still a mystery, yet there is that package under the tree; bright, shiny, making you smile with anticipation whenever you think of it. You cannot open the present today, but you know that it is prepared for you. And so you are happy. THAT is Patience.

One of my favorite verses is in James. It says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" (James 1:2-4).

STORY TIME!

About two weeks ago, I received a call from my mother. It was like any normal call except for the very end. Apparently, we were having some financial aid issues and we lost some grant money that we were supposed to receive to help pay for my education at Berry. There was miscommunication through everyone and for a little bit, I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to finish my senior year.

I didn't want to be patient about any of it. I wanted things to figure themselves out and I didn't want to worry about any of it! I mean, isn't that what anybody would be wishing for??

So, I had to go meet with my financial advisor and figure things out and eventually had to write an appeal letter to Berry to try and get grants or loans to help me and my family out. It was stressful and I was on the edge of my seat for about a week.

Fast forward to today.

I was laying in bed and watching a movie, not really doing much of anything. I heard my phone ring, notifying me of an email from someone at Berry. I opened it and saw an email from financial aid and immediately my heart started pounding. I didn't want to open it. I just assumed that it would be bad news. However, I built up the courage and opened the email... And you know what?

My appeal was approved! That's right, Berry granted me more financial aid to help with my education and I will still be able to graduate on time next May!

After opening that email, I began to sob. Literally sob in my bed. I was so overwhelmed with everything that I just broke down.

Guys...God is so so good. I felt so stupid for being stressed out about this thing in life. I really should've trusted God with the weight of those burdens. Yet, I took it all upon myself to carry those weights.

You see, that story can apply to the rest of life. Especially with this election going on right now.

We need to stop stressing and worrying about everything. Yes, this election is crazy and yes, there are awful things going on in this country. But, we need to cast all those burdens on the Lord.

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)

"Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken." (Psalm 55:22)

We need to come together and be patient. We should not fear anything that happens on this world. For we have a heavenly world waiting for us. The bible clearly says "do not fear" 365 times. That is enough for every day of the year. 

So, let us not fear the future. Let us not worry about whatever will happen with this election. Let's cast all our anxieties upon the Lord and trust that He has the perfect plan for us. 

And remember, Christ is King. He will not forsake us. 

In His Name.

Speechless

God is good all the time! All the time, God is good!

Have you ever had one of those weeks? You know what I'm talking about. The weeks where it seems like nothing is going your way. You are bogged down with homework and papers and exams and responsibilities. You just want to lay down in your bed and sleep. You wish that you could have a full week off so that you can rest and get your life together. Yeah...I had one of those weeks.

It wasn't a full week either. Just three days of school. We just had our fall break at school and I went home for a few days to relax and get away from school. It was wonderful. Then I came back to Berry and everything hit me all at once on Tuesday night. I had so much work to do this week. Three days of classes and I had SO MUCH TO DO.

I was stressed and broken down to say the least. My soul was weak.

I tried to end my week on a good note. Fall has finally arrived and my friends and I were going to get cupcakes and then go to a pumpkin patch to get pumpkins to decorate. We did so and I had a great time. I laughed and joked and was able to spend precious time with two of my closest friends in the world.

But I still felt empty inside.

We went back to school, baked sugar cookies and painted pumpkins. We watched Halloween movies and talked about life. I will treasure those memories for the rest of my life.

My soul still wasn't full.

The next day (Saturday), I slept in, watched horror movies and worked on some new short stories. I was relaxed and was glad to have time to myself. I needed it. That night, I went with my friends to Berry's Fall Festival. There was food, music and games. We enjoyed every bit of it. We walked around the campus last night and just breathed in warm fall air.

Yet, I didn't feel fulfilled like I should.

Last night, I was out in my hall when I ran into my RA, Whitney. She and I had plans today to get coffee and talk. However, last night she asked me if I wanted to do lunch instead. Then asked if I would like to go to church with her. I agreed as I hadn't been to an off campus church all semester and felt like I needed to go.

So this morning, I woke up, got dressed and went with her to West Rome Baptist. And let me tell you, God is so so good. Gracious, He is good!

Today's sermon wasn't all that life changing. It was a simple sermon about the book of John in the Bible. However, the worship, oh, sweet joy, the worship is what broke me down.

You see, God is working in our lives all the time. No matter what is going on in our lives, God is there for us. He loves us unconditionally. He fills our very souls and hearts with His undying love.

These past few days, I just wasn't feeling it. I wanted things to be going my way and under my circumstances. Only, I forgot that this isn't my will for life. It has never been my will. It has always been God's.

God spoke to me this morning. Through worship and through the soul of my beautiful friend, Whitney. He continued to show me to let His will be done. Not my own. I came back to my room, speechless from the glory of God.

Guys, find yourself that friend who will build you up. The friend who encourages you in your walk with God. The friend who wants to sit and talk with you about missions in different countries, about Jesus and about life in general. I found one of those friends this year, and let me tell you, she has changed my life for the better.

There are times when I feel like I can't do it anymore. Times when Satan wants to draw me back to the dark abyss from my past. But I know that Jesus has a hold on me. He blesses me daily with wonderful friends and an encouraging family. I wouldn't want it any other way.

Death was arrested and my new life began.

In His Name.

Don't Settle: An Open Letter to Girls Who Deserve Better

Dear You,

I’ve heard that you’re struggling. With a lot. Boys, friendships, family, and just plain old life. I’ve heard that there are days when you just want to give up on everything. Days when you lay in bed and wonder if it’s worth getting up for the day. Days when everything just seems to go wrong. 

Trust me, sweet girl, I’ve been there. I really have. 

This letter is for all the girls out there who feel like they aren’t worthy of love. It’s for the girls who are in love, yet doubt anyways. It’s for the ones who are broken-hearted. It’s for those girls who are still wishing for their Prince Charming. It’s for the hopeless romantics. It’s for the hopeful romantics. It’s even for those who are happy. And, sweetheart? This letter…it’s specifically for you.

Let’s be honest here, girls. We love to fall in love. We want to be desired by someone else. And I’m not just talking about girls here. And I’m also not just talking about women. I am talking about the human population as a whole. We love to love. And even more, we love to be loved. But you know what our problem is? We are settling. That’s right, we, girls, are settling. We are settling for that guy who hold doors behind them rather than in front of them. We are settling for “surface relationships” when we should be looking for deeper moments and deeper conversations. We are settling for “talking” to a guy when we should have a “let’s do something about this” kind of mindset. We are settling for having a “thing” when we should have a “I’ll be on my way” mindset. We are texting. We are snapchatting. We are stalking Instagram posts. How about we not settle for social media flirting? If a guy really likes you (and I mean, really likes you), he will like the real you more than the social media you. We, as humans on this world, are settling for that 21st century relationship when what we really should be searching for in an everlasting love. 

Baby girl, love is a two way street. Treat others as you want to be treated. We should be treated by guys how we have desired to be treated for the longest time and we should also be willing to return this treatment back to them. You can’t go around expecting a breathtaking love story if he in the only contributor to it. And he shouldn’t expect that either if you are the only one writing in that story. Don’t believe the lies that the world and Satan tries to tell you. Don’t believe them when they tell you how unrealistic a Christ-like man is. Just because you crave a more meaningful relationship than most of the world, doesn’t mean that you are living in a fantasy. Don’t believe those awful lies. See, the thing is, you just have higher standards. And that’s okay. One day, you will see those high standards turn into a high-valued relationship. 

Here’s another painful truth: relationships end. They end, darling. And there isn’t a thing we can do to change that. You can’t be looking towards a full life while also hoping for no heartbreak. Without heartbreak, there can be no lessons learned for us. Relationships end; you cry; you hurt; you move forwards. Relationships end because God did not have them in His will for you. Maybe your sense of humor doesn’t match their’s. Not your fault. Maybe you’re too extroverted. Not your fault. When you settle in a relationship, you are saying that you are too scared that no one else will love you like they do. You are staying out of fear. When you settle, your emptiness and your absence of fulfillment isn’t his problem. It’s yours. Yes, I’m going to be blunt about that: it’s yours. We can blame others. We can totally blame it on their mistakes and their lack of love. But when you settle—oh, when you settle—you are only hurting yourself that much more. 

Let me tell you…you do not deserve a 21st century relationship. I’m going to repeat it. You. Do not. Deserve a 21st century relationship. You don’t deserve those “read receipts” or those “likes” on Twitter or Instagram. You know what you deserve? You deserve a love-centered relationship—one centered on something greater than both of you combined! You don’t deserve to be cheated on. Under any circumstances. Ever. You deserve a guy who would never think of leaving you. I’m serious. You deserve to be appreciated and loved for who you are; not judged by your compassion, intelligence, or beauty. You do not deserve to feel like the only one in the relationship. You deserve to feel like there is someone else putting in the effort. Putting in 100% on the other side. You definitely do not deserve a car honk or a text saying “here”. You deserve a doorbell ring. You do not deserve to be treated “less than” anything. You deserve to be treated like the most important person in the world. No matter what. 

Sweetie, there will be someone who will do what he won’t. If he isn’t kind to waiters at a restaurant, there is someone who is. If he doesn’t shake hands and make good eye contact with your parents, there will be someone who does. It he doesn’t bother to pull the chair out for you, someone else will make sure to do it. If he is someone who cancels on you quite often, there will be someone who will always show up ten minutes early. If he doesn’t walk you to the door because it’s too old-fashioned, there will be someone who believes the opposite. If he doesn’t remember those small details (like the way you take you coffee or your favorite Skittle flavor), just know that there will be a guy in whom you’ll be so surprised because they know so much about you. If this guy doesn’t go out of his way for you, just know that there is someone else who will make it his priority to go out of his way just for you.

Here’s my advice to you: If you wouldn’t marry them, don’t date them. If you look at him and you wouldn’t want to wake up to their…personality, every day, of every week, for the rest of your life, please don’t waste your time now. If you look at him and wouldn’t want your future kids to be just like him, don’t waste your time now. Darling, just wait. Wait for someone that you would never associate the word “settle” with. Wait. Wait instead of settling for the wrong guy. Wait, because out there, there is someone who will look at you in a way that you never knew was possible. Wait, because there is bound to be something greater, a relationship between true loves, and not those “love to be loved” type of people. Wait, because there is someone out there who would never (NEVER) allow you to settle. Wait. Because if he won’t, then you can be sure that someone else will. 

Love,    

Someone who has been in your shoes

Recovering

I told you guys I'd be back with an update. ;)

I know it's only been about a week, but I have something to share with you all. Something that's really important for everyone to understand and to know.

On Tuesday, I was able to make it through the day without having a legit emotional breakdown. I smiled, laughed, and ultimately forgot about things that happened only a few days ago. It felt good. And I know that I'll still have hard days. Break ups are hard. They aren't meant to be easy. God didn't design us for this type of misery in our lives--He created dating and marriage for our happiness. But, I am prepared for this. I know that tough days are coming, but I also know that good days are coming and even greater days will be here soon.

So, what I wanted to share with you guys tonight is a list. A list of the fourteen things you should do/think about/participate in after a break up. This list is one that I wrote down on a sheet of paper last night and placed in my planner to see every day for the next few weeks. And honestly, some of these things can help out with life in general as well.

So, here we go: "Kaitlyn's Fourteen Lessons To Help Get You Through a Break-Up"


1. Take deep breaths

Just breathe. I know it hurts. I know that it feels like your chest in being compressed so tightly that it feels like you're drowning. But trust me, and take in deep breaths and let them out. Do it as slow as you can bear it. Count to five for each in and out breath. It'll help relax your body. It begins the process of healing. 

2. Release tensions/energy

Go running. Take a kick boxing class. Go to a shooting range. Do something to let all that anger and hurt and confusion out. It will allow you to think more clearly and you will be able to breathe a bit more easily. Letting out anger will show you that you really aren't angry--you're just hurt and don't know what to do about it. Personally, I have started running again. When I'm upset and "angry" I take it out on the treadmill and the track and sometimes I even beat a personal record. 

3. Start a new hobby or restart an old one

Learn a new language. Start painting or drawing. Take a photography class. Start writing poetry or fiction or even non fiction. Do something that will occupy your time. This way, you won't be dwelling on the break up all day. Look for something that you love to do and that will help you forget and move on. 

I went back to painting and to journaling in my Bible. They relieve a lot of stress from my shoulders and I definitely feel much happier when doing them. 

4. Pray

This is SO important. If you ever find yourself unable to cope with life/reality or if you find yourself curled up, sobbing and unable to breathe correctly, cast everything to God. He has His hands open to you, waiting for you to make that choice. Tell him your fears, your doubts, your anger, your confusion, your hopes, everything.

5. Love yourself

This is also VERY important. You cannot blame yourself. You can't beat yourself up and you cannot start believing that you aren't worthy of love. Because you are worthy. You are so worthy. Darling, it is unbelievable how worthy you are.

Tell yourself how worthy you are every morning while getting ready. Look at yourself in the mirror and say "You are a beautiful and strong human and you are worthy of love".

6. Let Go

This one will be hard. So freaking hard. Especially if you are currently getting out of a long-term relationship. You'll want to hang on to every memory, every trinket, every picture. And you are allowed to do that...for a short period of time. But eventually, you'll have to start letting go. You'll have to throw out those pictures and maybe even some trinkets and memories. Only when you start letting go and stop holding on, will you be able to start moving on with your life. 

With this, you have to learn to forgive and love your ex. (Love them as your brother/sister in Christ.) Another hard one. I've told you, I love to hold grudges. It makes me feel in control of the situation. But, holding on to grudges is not healthy for getting over a break up. We need to learn forgiveness. How can we stay angry at someone God loves? It's almost impossible. God has already forgiven them, now it's just your term. You don't have to do it right away, but eventually, you will need to do it. 

7. Don't move on too quickly

One of the worst mistakes someone can make right after a break up is moving on to somebody else without letting their self fully heal. With this new age of online dating and social media, it's very very easy to find that rebound (trust me, I know all too well). Affection is addicting. This, I know all too well, too. We love the idea of dates, flowers, attention, holding hands, kissing, letter/notes, etc. So, with this addiction, we find it easy to want to move on right away. However, if we truly care about God, witnesses, our ex (go back to the previous lesson on forgiving and loving and letting go) and eventually, our future significant other, we should wait and pray. God will provide the right guy at the right time. We just have to trust in Him and His plan for us. 

8. Spend a lot of time outside

Get some fresh air. It clears your head and gives you time to think and process things. Trust me. It works. So well.

9. Surround yourself with others who love you

Don't always hole up in your room by yourself. You need others with you. You need support through this tough time. Let others love on you. If your friend wants to bring you a donut and coffee, let them. If they just want to sit in your room with you while you cry and get angry, let them. Don't shut others out. Let those who love you, be there for you. Lean on them. (But not too much so that you're unable to get by without them. You will need to be able to walk by yourself again at some point.)

10. Allow yourself to feel (cry, get angry, etc)

Cry. Please, please, just cry. Sob. Do whatever. Don't hold it in. It's a normal human emotion. You are allowed to spend a few days or a week just riding that emotional roller coaster. Cry; get angry; be hurt; be confused. But after those few days, focus on your happiness. Don't dwell on those negative emotions. Those are just signs of Satan trying to drag you down. Don't let Satan win. Choose joy. 

And if you aren't hurting after a break-up, maybe you should. As humans, we don't go in and out of romances such as this without causing some pain for ourselves. Now, that's not to say that you should be devastated after every break-up, but there should most likely be a sense that the break up wasn't right or that it's not how everything is supposed to go in life. Our hearts were not meant to be borrowed and sometimes, God needs to show us the devastation of failed relationships to show the negative suggestions about Him and the church. 

11. Do not over analyze everything.

Please, please, PLEASE. Do not do this! It is detrimental to your overall mental health. Don't sit in your bed and go over every detail of your relationship wondering how it got to this point and wondering what went wrong. It won't do you any good and it will make you miserable. You can think about it, yes, but don't over-analyze. 

12. Stay off social media/your phone/etc.

--Delete them off Facebook. Unfollow them on Twitter and Instagram. You need time to heal. And seeing their name on every social media site you get on won’t help that healing process. And if you do get online, don’t “stalk” them. It’ll only make the hurt worse. 

--Don’t text them. Delete their old messages. Don’t call them just so you can hear their voice one last time. You need to move forward. Resist the urge and temptation to contact them. You need time. They need time. Later on, you can text them or re-friend them, if you know that you are completely over them, but only then. Never before.

13. Take it one day at a time

Honestly, this is really all you can do. Days will turn into weeks which will turn into months which will turn into years. Time will move on. You will love again. You just have to take it a day at a time. Take it step by step. Don't rush into anything and don't try to take life too fast. You won't heal in one day. You need time. Healing takes time. 

14. Trust God

I know you're probably struggling with this right now. You're probably wondering why God is doing this to you. I mean, you thought that this guy or girl was it for you. He/She was the love of your life. Why did this break up happen?!

The thing is that God knows your needs. And He is never too slow to provide that for you. He will end up revealing things to you about those things you thought needed. He even may reveal to you that it is Him you need more than anything else. He loves you. He knows what's best for you. And for whatever reason--this relationship was not what was best for you anymore. It was probably good for you at a time, but it's time to move on and God is telling you exactly that. 

God has everything in control. Again, He knows what is best for you. God will never close a door without having another one open for you. You just have to lean on Him and trust Him with your whole heart. Continue to praise Him even while making your way from one door to the next. He has bigger things planned for you. He will see you through this. Just you wait.

Strong and Brave

Let me start off this post by asking a simple question:

What comes to your mind when you think of someone you personally know (be it a friend, family member, loved one, etc.) telling you that they see a therapist on a regular basis?

You are probably thinking that this person (that you know pretty closely) has some serious problems that you weren't aware of. You may think that they're crazy or weird or just plain old weak.

That's right. Weak.

That's what I thought every time I thought about anyone going to see a therapist. Even myself.

I viewed therapy as weak. If you couldn't take care of yourself by yourself then what were you doing with yourself. I believed that we have the ability to take care of ourselves without any outside help.

Which is why I avoided therapy for the longest time. I made excuses not to go and would weasel my way out of it every single time.

That is, until I got to college.

Here at Berry, counseling is free to every student. There is a counseling center on campus and all you have to do is call in to make an appointment and you're all set. Sessions are set to one hour each and the counselors are there to listen and talk you through things.

For the past two years, I still told myself that counseling was weak. That it was embarrassing. Which is why I still never went or made an appointment. I was scared of what others would think of me.

However, a couple months ago, I made a decision that would change my life for the better. I made an appointment for a counseling session. I didn't tell anyone I was doing this--not even my parents. I still wanted to keep it a secret and wanted to see for myself how it went before letting anyone else in on the notion of me attending therapy.

And you know what?

It made me strong. And brave.

Therapy is not weak. It was never weak to begin with.

It is strong. It is courageous.

 

Society now rarely sees this as a healthy thing--as something that helps us. It is an overwhelming experience; we feel burnt out from it. Therapy is designed (by society) to make us feel vulnerable...exposed...as if there is a gaping wound in us that we cannot seem to close. And in the end, we start to beat ourselves up, believing that we can solve all of our problems by ourselves. We think we don't need professional help and when we realize we can't fix it on our own, we beat ourselves up even more. What's wrong with me?!?!

The first thing my counselor told me when I sat down for my first session a few months ago was "Good for you. You are doing something great for you and for others around you. Kudos. Be proud of yourself. You are brave. You. Are. Strong."

Seeking help is strong. And healthy. I read somewhere that "it takes courage to face our issues and to make a commitment to address them consciously, and move through them to the best of our ability".

We are human. Simply human. To ask for help only reassures the fact that WE ARE HUMAN. We are not perfect. It is impossible for us to be able to fix ourselves by ourselves. We aren't God. Nor are we robots. It is a natural experience to want or need others around us. To need help from others.

God created us for a purpose. And that purpose is not to self-destruct. To avoid help when you need it is to destroy, not only yourself, but others around you that you love and who love you. God would not want us to pull ourselves into a downward spiral. He would want us to seek help when we need it.

To seek for counseling means that you are healing. You are putting the work into yourself to help you heal, whether that be from a mental health issue or an event that put your life on hold. You are healing. You are being proactive. You are doing the work that is necessary for a healthy life. You are not being passive whatsoever. You. Are. Strong.

I currently go to a session about every other week. Today was my first session since the beginning of December. And it was so good to be back. I can already feel weights being lifted off my shoulders bit by bit. I can breathe a bit easier and I feel myself walking with my head a bit higher.

If you or anyone you know has been thinking about seeking professional help, please don't hesitate to make an appointment somewhere. These counselors are here to help you. If you don't want them to talk, they don't have to. If you don't want to talk, that's fine too. For my first session, it took my a good half hour to finally open up to this stranger. And when I did, it felt like I couldn't stop. So, don't worry, it may take some time to feel comfortable talking to a complete stranger, but it will get easier as time goes on. Trust me.

And if you are currently seeing a therapist or counselor, may I say kudos to you! Bravo! You are grabbing on to that tool that helps us pursue a healthy life!

And to all those nasty things the enemy may throw at us, be it abuse, loss, grief, depression, suffering, pain, etc., may I say: BRING IT ON.

I am not going to take any of this without putting up a fight of my own. And I hope you won't either. Fight on. Win. Show the enemy that he cannot control us.

In His Name.

New Year, Happier Me

Happy New Year!

I hope all of you have had wonderful holiday seasons (I know I did!) and that you are pumped for this new year! Things have been crazy in my life and I'm sorry that I haven't been able to post much, but I'm happy with being as busy as I am. However, now that it's a new semester and I have a bit more free time, I'm going to try and post some more!

Today, I really just wanted to tell you guys about my New Year resolutions. I only have a few and obviously, some of them are very cliche.

1. Be healthier.

    This is so cliche, I know. But I really want to work on this. Obviously, I am a college student, so it'll be difficult to be super healthy. But I can make a start on it and I already have. I've been eating more salads and been putting leaner protein in my diet. I went grocery shopping today and was very proud of myself for buying more fruits/veggies/yogurt/etc. I also plan on starting a new workout plan. Now, I don't plan on going every single day, but I do want to go at least 4-5 times a week. I would love to start running again and training for 5ks/10ks/half-marathons and maybe even a marathon. I love the freedom and determination that running gives me, so let's hope that I can get back into it without any problems! Hopefully, I will be able to keep this up and continue being healthy for months to come. Determination and perseverance is key.

2. Work harder in school.

    So far, I've been able to get by in school by being average. I don't get stellar grades, but I don't fail either. But, I want this to change. Especially since I only have a few semesters left in college. (YIKES!) But, I have a lot of support for this resolution, so I'm sure it won't be too hard to accomplish.

3. Plan more.

    If you know me, I'm not great at organizing my life. I like for things to happen spontaneously and hate any type of specific plan. However, I want this to change. So, I went out and bought a nice planner and some colored pens and spent a lot of time looking over all of my schedules and planning out the semester. I wrote down specific events and scheduled weekends to return home to visit family/friends/boyfriend. I marked down when papers are due and when exams are. And even began to give myself certain deadlines for internship applications and other things. I'm hoping that this will allow me to stress less about life and enjoy it more.

4. Be happy.

   This is a big one for me. Now, I'm not saying that I wasn't happy before. Cause, I was. I've been very happy for a while now. But, I feel that there are certain things in life that I need to worry less about and take on with a smile. So, in order to do this, I created a Happiness Jar.

   Happiness Jar? What is that, you may ask? This is a Happiness Jar:

   The Happiness Jar is exactly what it sounds like. The goal is for me to write down events in my life that make me happy. I will write it down on a slip of paper and then fold up the paper and put it in the jar. Then, at the end of this year, I will empty the jar and re-read the things in 2016 that made me smile. As you can see, there are already a few events in there and it's only been a week in the new year! I cannot wait to see how full this thing is by December 31!

So, those are my resolutions for the new year. I'm super excited about what this year has in store for me and cannot wait to see where God leads me. I hope you guys have a fantastic second week of January!

In His name.

Bittersweet

So, it's finally here. My last day as a sophomore at Berry College. As I sit here writing this, so many memories are flooding my brain and I can't stop the tears from running down my face. This year has had its ups and downs, but it has been a year to remember. So, I thought I would share a list of things I learned this year. (Upcoming sophomores, this is really for you as you take the next step in your college career. Though, some of it can apply to upcoming freshman, too.) So, here we go:

13 things I learned during my sophomore year:

1. Whenever you're up studying past midnight, Cookout milkshakes and fries are always there for you. 

This is the one universal truth. Too many nights have I ended up studying past midnight and became hungry. Cookout is open till 3-4am EVERY NIGHT. As well as being super cheap. So, if you're craving a milkshake, a hamburger or a corndog at 2 am in the morning, Cookout is there and will never leave you. 

2. No matter how many times you tell yourself the situation won't be awkward, it'll always be awkward.

Let's just be honest with ourselves. You can say over and over again how that specific situation won't be awkward and that you refuse to make it awkward. The thing is, that it will always be awkward. No matter how hard you try. So, you might as well just agree that it will get awkward and get over it. No use in trying to make something work that won't work in the first place.

3. People will hurt you, but it's better in the long run to forgive them and move on. 

This is something I struggled with a lot this year. I had a lot of people leave my life and a lot betray me. I'm the type of person to act like I'm okay on the outside, but will be holding a grudge inside. This isn't good for anybody involved. So, it's easiest to forgive the people who hurt you and just move on. And whether that means getting over them and losing their friendship or it means that your friendship continues no matter what, we have to learn to deal with it when it happens and not fret over it for days on end. 

4. Sometimes you have to put yourself out there to meet new people. 

Those of you who know me know that I'm quite the introverted person. I don't like huge crowds and have trouble speaking to brand new people. But, I found out this year, that I just have to make that first big leap and everything else will fall into place. I made a bunch of new friends this year just by opening up and introducing myself. It's really not that hard to do, but it may seem like it. So, take that step and meet new friends. 

5. Life will knock you down, but it's up to you to stand right back up and keep on going. 

Oh, boy will it. Life likes to take what seem like the best days of your life and flipping them upside down so that in knocks you flat on your back. And the only thing I can tell you to do is to stand back up immediately and keep going. Don't let that one awful night, grade or fight consume you. Hold your head up, darling. You've got this!



6. Stargazing is a way to relieve stress and think about life and all it has to offer. 

The amount of nights I've spent outside watching the stars are too many to count. Whenever I've found myself stressing over school, boys, family, friends, etc. I've packed up my blankets and a cup of coffee and went to lay out underneath the heavens. Stargazing is a wonderful way to relax and to remember that God is bigger than everything going on in your life. He put every star in that sky and yet he calls you by name and says that you are beautiful. 

7. While it's fun to go out with friends for the night, sometimes it's just best to stay in, eat 
Ramen noodles and study for your classes. 

(THIS IS IMPORTANT FOR FRESHMAN TOO.) I understand that you really really want to go see that new rom-com that came out this weekend, but didn't your professor say that you have a huge test on Monday that counts for 20% of your grade? It's all about priorities. Yes, go out and have fun. That's part of college. The friends you make here will most likely be your friends for life, so you will want to hang out with them. But grades are also important if not much more important than your social life. So, go out and have fun, but make sure you also have enough time to study as much as you need to for any exams, quizzes or homework.

8. Boy drama never ends after high school, but you do learn how to handle it with more maturity. 

He said; she said....It's all the same as it was in high school. The only difference between then and now is that you understand how to deal with it with more maturity. Let's face it...you are almost 20 years old. You are old enough not to start rumors or throw a hissy fit because a boy did something to you.
9. You don't always keep the friends you made freshman year. And that's okay. You'll make new ones. 

This one was hard to come to terms with. I had a lot of great friends that I made during my freshman year. Then came sophomore year and about 50% of those friendships were lost or didn't continue because of certain reasons. And it's hard to keep up with everybody. It is. But, I also made a ton of new friends this year; friends that I wouldn't trade for the world. And I'm okay that I lost some friendships. Obviously, God didn't plan for us to stay friends. He had different plans for each of us and neither involved the other. So, don't worry if you can't keep in contact with friends from freshman year. You'll make new friends and it won't end up being a big deal in the long run.

10. The "Sophomore Slump" is real and very dangerous. 

All I can say here is to be careful and keep up the good work you did during freshman year. 

11. Take as many adventures as you can.

(...while still focusing on keeping your grades up.) Take a Saturday off and go hike or hammock with friends. Try a new local restaurant in town. Go out for frozen yogurt or ice cream. Take a day trip to a city that's close by. Spend the day in Goodwill and find yourself a new wardrobe. The possibilities are endless. But while you're working on getting through your sophomore year alive, don't forget to have      fun every once in a while. 

12. True friends are those who will sit out on the front porch with you for hours and are willing to talk about life and its problems.

This. I don't have the words to explain how much some people have blessed me this year by being there for me. I can always count on these friends to drop anything and everything to come to my side if I need them. Throughout the year, you will find these friends and my advice to you is to hold on to them and never let them go. 

13. No matter how crazy life seems, there is always our God to look up to and thank for giving us another day.

Is there anymore to say about this one??


So there they are. My thirteen things that I learned throughout this past year. I'm so blessed to live the life I do and I cannot wait to see what the next two years at Berry have in store for me. Thanks to all who have made this year so very wonderful and I can't wait to see you guys in the fall!

In His love,

Redeemed

"Yet, O Lord, You are our Father. We are the clay, You are the potter; we are all the work of Your hand." (Isaiah 64:8)

We are a broken people.

We live in a broken world.

As humans, we all are broken and shattered and no where near perfect.

But see, that's not the end of our lives.

Our lives are not our own stories. It is not---it was never--about us and us alone. This life, this wonderful, glorious life that we live is all about Him and about us coming to be a part of His story. 

The verse that I started this post off with is a verse that has been on my mind for a few weeks now. If you go to church on a regular basis or have been a Christian for a few years or more, I'm sure you've heard this verse a lot. A verse that likens us to clay and God to the potter. 

God took us from an image in His mind and he created us. He formed us all uniquely and all for Him. We were created to serve Him and all He does for us. 

I just love the idea of us being clay in His hands. Before He touches us, we are formless. We are void of life, of soul. The moment that He begins His work in us, we become full of life, of love. We are beautiful creations--works--of His own hand. 

But, the thing about clay is that it is continually worked and reshaped to the potter's likings. The potter does not rest until he is satisfied with his work. This also means that the clay must be willing to be reformed into something new.

As the clay of His hands, we, as God's sons and daughters must be yielded and still. We have to allow God to shape us with his hands. There are three things that I see that we must be able to do and go through in order for God to shape us:

1. Patience--In order for God to be able to mold us into people He would like for us to be, we must have patience. We cannot and must not be impatient as that does not do anything for us. Impatience causes stress and unhappiness. Patience, on the other hand, fills us with life and with happiness.

2. We must be willing to be destroyed. Sometimes, the potter needs to start all over again. To do so, the old pottery must be destroyed so that a new one can take its place. It's hard to be willing to be destroyed. We love our lives and sometimes we don't want to change. Change is hard. But God promises to bring joy with the change. When old doors close, new ones open and that's what we know to be true. God's promises never break.

3. Allow God to treat us with tenderness. Just as clay is slowly and tenderly formed into a pot, God places His hands softly on us to form us. He is never rough nor does he rip and tear at us. His love washes over us and He holds us carefully in His arms. 

We need to stop taking our heart out of His hands. He knows what is best for us and we need to let Him hold our hearts. That's what I mean when I say that we must be yielded and still. We need to let Him form us. 

There's an old saying that goes: "My life in Your hands; my ways for Your plans".

One more thing I wanted to mention about this is that when you look at a potter, what do you see? What are they covered in?

Clay.

They are covered from head to toe in the clay that they have been working with.

This is another image that I'm in love with. God, our potter, is covered in clay. He is covered in us. So that we may be covered and clothed in righteousness. God became flesh and put on our clay and was hung on that cross. 

He wore it so we didn't have to. He became dirty and muddy and downright filthy so that we can become beautiful and priceless in His image. 

How amazing is that?

As I leave this with you guys today, I just want say, surrender yourselves to the Potter. Because through Him, we are redeemed. 

In His love.

Full

Today, I went on a drive in the rain.

For those of you who know me, I go on a drive about once a week to take a step back from everything and to jam out in the confines of my car. I like to get away from all the drama and stresses of life to just relax and take some deep breaths.

I haven't been on a drive in a few weeks, and I felt that I needed one today, so I packed up my stuff and set out.

I drove all over the place. I went to the edges of the city of Rome and then back to Berry and up to Mountain Campus. Once up there, I parked by Swan Lake and settled in. Then, I did something that honestly surprised me.

I cried.

I cried and I cried and I cried.

I cried until I had no tears left. I sat in a car by a lake (while it poured outside) with absolutely nobody else around and sobbed my heart out.

Why?

Well, to be quite frank with you all, I was overwhelmed with life...with everything that was going on around me. So many different things were pressing onto my shoulders--burden after burden came crashing down--so that when I finally stepped away from it all, the waterworks started.

But here's the thing, I also cried because I remembered that while I have so much stress on me and while there are burdens coming at me from all angles, I have people--fabulous relationships--in my life who make it so much easier to live.

So, I wanted to talk about the relationships in our lives and what it means to have a Godly relationship with someone.

I have learned through past experiences--through betrayal, slander, back-stabbing, and gossip--that some relationships with people just aren't meant to last. They are what we call seasonal friendships and God only sets them there for a little while and takes them away again. We weren't meant to have those people in our lives. Yes, it hurts when they go away or when they do something against you, but God doesn't want you to be friends or have relationships with people who are a detriment to your growth and enrichment.

It's also not enough that we should only want someone who is trustworthy, loyal, and kind. It is so very important that we also strive to be that type of person to someone else. That's what feeds healthy relationships: that connection when both persons are loyal and kind to one another.

It is such a blessing to have people in my life who can tell when I've had a rough day or week. These people can immediately read my mood and will work to make me smile or laugh. They will pray for me when I need it or even when I don't need it. In fact, to have someone who prays for me daily with no motive or reason in mind is absolutely stunning. Not people who talk about me behind my back or judge me for how I act, but people who pray for me without ceasing.

It's not an easy journey--making and leaving friends. God essentially knows what you need and has an exact plan set out for you and for the people who will be in your life. He will quickly weed out those who do not fit in with His plan and when He does, it's easy to rebuke Him. But un-Godly friendships and relationships are detrimental to us. They feed us wrongful thoughts and lead us into temptations that take us further from God.

However, those Godly relationships that we have, build us up. The purpose of these friendships is to help one another in their walk with God. Proverbs 2:17 says: "As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend. This friendship is not a crutch for one person to lean on because each person is founded on God and not on one another. It is bonded by their love for God and for their obedience to His Word. It gives without expecting anything in return. That is what a Godly relationship is.

Earlier this week, I was having a rough time with life. I was stressed from the amount of tests I had and wasn't getting enough sleep at nights. I was exhausted and cranky and just didn't want to hang out with anybody.

Then, I got a text from one of my closest friends here at school. He wrote to me about how I am such a blessing to him and just wanted to let me know that he loves me and is always praying for me no matter what.

Obviously, that made me tear up because, unknowingly, I desperately needed to hear those words from someone.

That next day, I had the chance to sit with a friend and just talk about life. We didn't talk about anything specific, just pondered about life and what it holds for us and what God is doing in our lives. She didn't realize this, but I absolutely cherished those moments with her. I was able to get away from everything for a minute and talk about life with someone I care for very deeply. She is one of my best friends and I am beyond blessed to be able to come to her to talk about struggles and accomplishments.

That being said, I know I have friends who will always be there for me, who will never leave me and who will talk to me and with me about anything and everything.

Before I close out, I want to say something to my friends out there:

Thank you. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for believing in me and for accepting me; for praying without ceasing for me; for aiding me in my walk with Christ. I have no idea where I would be without any of you guys in my life and I can't thank my God enough for placing you in my life to begin with. I love you guys dearly and would not trade you for the world. 

Think about those relationships in your life. Who do you really count on when times get tough? Who is God telling you to move towards or away from?

In His love.