Hopeful

When I was a freshman in college, I wrote a letter to myself and tucked it away for when I was about to graduate as a senior. I forgot all about it. Today, I pulled it out and read it and cried. And cried. And cried. I was not aware of how much I needed this today. Sometimes the biggest blessings are the ones you don't see coming. I am going to share this letter with you, because I think it is something everyone needs to hear. Especially those who are graduating in a few days. Much love. 

Dear Kaitlyn, 

I am so proud of you. You’ve worked really hard to get where you are, and I want you to relax now. You have so many good things coming, you don’t have to work as hard as you think you do. Enjoy your life and watch things unfold, all in perfect time. Time to square your shoulders back, hold your head high, and keep moving through your life with grace and ease. And don’t forget to smile!

I can tell you that you will not remember all those little tasks, deadlines and emails you worry about. You’ve got the small stuff covered. You’ve accomplished every goal you’ve ever set and then some. I hope you are as proud of yourself as I am.

Amidst all the external definitions of success, please don’t forget to look inward.

A few reminders:

Take care of yourself. Eat well. Exercise. Get outside. Get plenty of sleep. Rest and remember to spend plenty of time alone. Put yourself first so that you can share your best gifts with the world.

Be nicer to yourself. Weighing ten pounds less does not make you a better or more interesting person. Weighing ten or twenty pounds more does not make you unloveable. For every day or every moment you criticize yourself, you are cheating yourself out of your fullest joy.

Face some hard truths. You will hit rough patches. You will have more “lowest moments of your life.” Again you will find yourself feeling dark and depressed. Again you will find yourself going to sleep fully clothed because you cannot muster the emotional energy to get undressed. These moments always turn out to be your best teachers. These are the moments that will help you serve others in new, extraordinary ways.

Let people in. You will know when the time is right. When it is, let go. Let yourself love with abandon. You don’t have to protect yourself so much. You will still be able to take care of yourself if and when these relationships end, and they will have given you new perspectives on life.

Forgive yourself. It’s time to stop carrying all that guilt. That you could have been nicer, more accommodating, more supportive, more generous, more selfless; that you could have given more time and attention – or even more love. The past is in the past, and you are doing the very best you can. The very best does not mean perfect. It is okay if you aren’t perfect — none of us are.

Live your life on your own terms. Stop looking for everyone’s approval. Stop living in fear that if you say or do the wrong thing, you will lose people forever. If that happens, it wasn’t meant to be. Stop auditioning for other people’s lives and embrace yourself, exactly as you are.

A note on judging others. It is so easy to do – we all do it. But be careful who you judge, what you turn your nose up to, and the opinions you rally behind without questioning. They almost always come back to teach you a lesson by giving you the very experience that you were so quick to judge. Treat others with respect, compassion and an open-mind at every possible moment.

You are capable of so much more than you even realize. We all are. You have infinite power at your fingertips and it’s just waiting for you to engage it. Take those risks you are afraid of taking. Trust yourself.

You’ve gotten yourself this far in your life — keep going. Even more greatness lies ahead if you can just take the leap, even in those moments where you can’t see the other side yet. Dream even bigger! Reach for the stars – they are waiting for you.

Soak it up, baby! Whew – this is heavy stuff. Remember not to take yourself too seriously! Lighten up, laugh, have fun, be young, sing and dance your heart out. Celebrate! Be thankful for all of your gifts and blessings. Honor them by letting yourself experience bliss at every opportunity. Let the bliss grow and expand. Sprinkle gold dust around everyone and everything you can see.

I know you know this, because you’ve said it before — you already have everything you need. 

Time to stop chasing and start embracing. I have no doubt you will do it with flying colors. You already have.

Oodles of love and cupcakes,
Kaitlyn (of 2013)

Silent

My breath was taken away tonight. I got to witness and be a part of one of the most amazing nights of my life so far.

Tonight was "Silent Night" at the Berry College chapel. For those who don't know what "Silent Night" is, I will explain it in just a bit. 

A group known as Imprinted Blog set this all up and I honestly was a bit unsure of it at first. I mean, I'm a busy college student. I don't have time to go to a two hour event in the evening. Then, a friend texted me last week if I was going as she didn't want to go alone, and I told her that I was. So, tonight, I picked up my bible and my coffee mug and set off to the chapel with her to see what this night was going to hold for me.

And boy, was I pleasantly surprised. 

These people had set up a table with treats and free coffee. (I KNOW. I was too excited about free food and coffee.)

Anyway, there were also stations set up around the chapel. And the goal was to follow them around the chapel in a counter-clockwise fashion. So, armed with coffee and a clear mind, we set off on a journey of reflection. 

These stations were mesmerizing and so, so eye-opening. From handling balls of clay and focusing in on what it means to be moldable in the Potter's hands to writing letters to friends and family and those who need it. Every station was its own kind of revelation in myself and who I was in God. I was able to dig deep into the Word and focus on what He was telling me. I was able to hear Him in the silence. 

Out of all the stations, there was one that was my absolute favorite. We were asked to go into a room and focus on the names God gives us. Immediately, I thought back to my blog. Obviously, as you guys know, my blog is titled "Hello, My Name Is..." and every post is a different name I am given by God. I couldn't write all of those names down and they were all swirling in my head.

We were told that once we figure out a name, we should write it on the mirror in the room. Already, the mirror had names liked "lovely", "son", and "friend" on it. As soon as my eyes landed on the mirror, I knew what name God wanted me to write. And thus, I wrote "DIVINE". 

(Later on during the night, I would go on to write the phrase "broken but beloved" on a color swatch an stick it to another board.)

Divine means so many things to me and while I haven't written a blog post about it yet, I'm sure I will do so in the future. God calls me divine and I couldn't be happier.

I spent the last half hour in the chapel focusing on what God was saying to me. I was brought to my knees in the pews and poured out my heart to God. I released my burdens and placed my anxious heart into His hands. I opened my Bible to the cover page and saw another thing that I don't place much thought into. The cover page of my Bible is covered in verses of some of my favorite worship songs. I would write them down after hearing a song I particularly like. I don't think much about it until I looked at it tonight and the words "Come as you are" stared back at me. 

I once again broke down in tears. For so many weeks I would go to church as someone I'm not. I want to please a certain crowd. I dress the part and play the part of a good Christian. I bury my sins deep down and act like they never happened. Those words in my Bible reminded me that I don't need to hide myself from Christ. He knows my innermost thoughts. There's no hiding from him. 

God is so good to me when I don't deserve it. He speaks to me in the silence and all I need to do is shut up and listen. Tonight was one of those moments when I realized that and more. I think we all need a little silence in our lives. It allows us to truly hear God and to reflect on everything happening in our lives.

In His Name.

Speechless

God is good all the time! All the time, God is good!

Have you ever had one of those weeks? You know what I'm talking about. The weeks where it seems like nothing is going your way. You are bogged down with homework and papers and exams and responsibilities. You just want to lay down in your bed and sleep. You wish that you could have a full week off so that you can rest and get your life together. Yeah...I had one of those weeks.

It wasn't a full week either. Just three days of school. We just had our fall break at school and I went home for a few days to relax and get away from school. It was wonderful. Then I came back to Berry and everything hit me all at once on Tuesday night. I had so much work to do this week. Three days of classes and I had SO MUCH TO DO.

I was stressed and broken down to say the least. My soul was weak.

I tried to end my week on a good note. Fall has finally arrived and my friends and I were going to get cupcakes and then go to a pumpkin patch to get pumpkins to decorate. We did so and I had a great time. I laughed and joked and was able to spend precious time with two of my closest friends in the world.

But I still felt empty inside.

We went back to school, baked sugar cookies and painted pumpkins. We watched Halloween movies and talked about life. I will treasure those memories for the rest of my life.

My soul still wasn't full.

The next day (Saturday), I slept in, watched horror movies and worked on some new short stories. I was relaxed and was glad to have time to myself. I needed it. That night, I went with my friends to Berry's Fall Festival. There was food, music and games. We enjoyed every bit of it. We walked around the campus last night and just breathed in warm fall air.

Yet, I didn't feel fulfilled like I should.

Last night, I was out in my hall when I ran into my RA, Whitney. She and I had plans today to get coffee and talk. However, last night she asked me if I wanted to do lunch instead. Then asked if I would like to go to church with her. I agreed as I hadn't been to an off campus church all semester and felt like I needed to go.

So this morning, I woke up, got dressed and went with her to West Rome Baptist. And let me tell you, God is so so good. Gracious, He is good!

Today's sermon wasn't all that life changing. It was a simple sermon about the book of John in the Bible. However, the worship, oh, sweet joy, the worship is what broke me down.

You see, God is working in our lives all the time. No matter what is going on in our lives, God is there for us. He loves us unconditionally. He fills our very souls and hearts with His undying love.

These past few days, I just wasn't feeling it. I wanted things to be going my way and under my circumstances. Only, I forgot that this isn't my will for life. It has never been my will. It has always been God's.

God spoke to me this morning. Through worship and through the soul of my beautiful friend, Whitney. He continued to show me to let His will be done. Not my own. I came back to my room, speechless from the glory of God.

Guys, find yourself that friend who will build you up. The friend who encourages you in your walk with God. The friend who wants to sit and talk with you about missions in different countries, about Jesus and about life in general. I found one of those friends this year, and let me tell you, she has changed my life for the better.

There are times when I feel like I can't do it anymore. Times when Satan wants to draw me back to the dark abyss from my past. But I know that Jesus has a hold on me. He blesses me daily with wonderful friends and an encouraging family. I wouldn't want it any other way.

Death was arrested and my new life began.

In His Name.

Hosanna

Let me be the first to say that I do not always ask for help when needed. I like to do things on my own and anytime I have to ask for help, I feel weak. I feel utterly and embarrassingly weak. So, I don't ask for help. I keep my problems to myself and don't let anyone else have access to them. Not even God.

I spent years not allowing myself to be vulnerable. I refused to let other people deal with my "problems". I mean, I was even told this past spring by someone who I thought was very close to me that I wasn't worth their time or patience...that my "problems" and "issues" were too much. I took those words very close to heart and began to pull away even more. That someone soon disappeared from my life, but their words never did.

This past April, I entered in to a relationship with a guy I met through a dating site. (Crazy, right?) We hit it off pretty well and it wasn't long until we were dating and seeing each other almost every day throughout the summer.

I swore that with this relationship, I was going to be more upfront about the things I deal with on a daily basis. However, I still found myself holding back. I didn't my "issues" to become his burdens. I had this skewed view of relationships, whether they were friendly or romantic, and I didn't want to cause anyone any trouble.

My newfound relationship was way different than the one I had been in before and I found myself comparing the two at the beginning. I wondered for a week or two if I had rushed into things. But I knew in my heart, that I wasn't doing that and that this guy was in my life for a reason.

Even though I left my old, toxic relationship with my ex behind, I still refused to listen to any of the music we listened to together, refused to watch movies we had seen, didn't play the video games we used to play and didn't even want to step foot in the places we had been. I would tell my boyfriend to take me somewhere else, would change the radio station and would convince him to watch a different movie.

It took me a couple months to realize that this wasn't healthy. That my new relationship wouldn't thrive if I kept holding back. So, I began to open up a little more. I became more myself. I found myself being able to watch those movies and go to those places. The one thing I was still struggling with was "that song".

You know which song I'm talking about. Every relationship has one. That song that you both listen to all the time. Whether it be the first song you both heard together, or the first song you kissed/danced/sang along to. It's "your song". (My current boyfriend and I have one-- "H.O.L.Y" by Florida Georgia Line. We listen to it in the car all the time and always end up singing it to each other. It was a song that connected us.)

Well, at risk of sounding silly, my ex and I loved the "I Lava You" song from that Pixar short before Inside Out. You know, the one with the talking volcanoes? (Here's the link!) Well, after he and I broke up, any part of that song would kill me. I couldn't bear to listen to it. And I buried the memories deep deep inside of me.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. This song began to play on my phone and a friend told me to turn it up as she loved this song. Instead of doing as she asked, I quickly skipped the song as it still brought back bad memories. She questioned my motives and I dodged the question and burning look in her eyes and told her that I was just tired of hearing it all the time on my playlist. She dropped it.

Then today. I was sitting in the office at work and a co worker was playing throwback Disney songs as I studied. Soon he said my name and when I looked up, he told me that the next song was going to hit me in my feels. I was confused but smiled anyways. He skipped to that song. (He had no idea what that song meant to me.) I tensed up at first, but soon he was singing along to the song and I quickly joined in. The frozen smile on my face thawed and grew. I began to laugh as we sang to this silly Disney song and I realized that for the first time in a very long time, I felt free and at peace with my life.

I also realized that if I had just been honest in the first place and asked for help in getting over that ex and transitioning into a new relationship, things would've been much smoother sailing for me.

I've also realized in the past few months that I shouldn't be scared to ask for help. To be honest with you guys, I've started seeing a therapist. Berry offers free counseling services to students and my parents and I thought it would be very helpful to me and the people in my life if I began to talk to someone. And, to my utter disbelief, it did help.

The ability to talk to someone for a hour nonstop can be quite scary. At first, I didn't think I wanted to go. I didn't want to be weak and ask for help. But, I came to discover that talking to someone who isn't directly involved in your life can be very uplifting and liberating. All the burdens on my shoulders began to disappear and I haven't felt this light in years.

There are two songs I've been listening to for the past week nonstop. And they speak everything to me. The first is "It is Well With My Soul" (the Matt Redman version). This song is proclaims endless joy. Contrary to popular belief, these lyrics aren't shouting out that everything is okay. Because we all know it isn't. However, our God is still in control. Those words are saying that the old will is gone and the new will has come! It is a reminder that, while we don't understand the hurt we go through, we can always turn to a God that does understand and who will comfort us in all times.

The other song is "Hosanna" by Hillsong. This is such a favorite of mine. The word 'hosanna' means an expression of adoration or joy. This is how I've felt the past few months. The joy that I have in my life (after realizing that it's okay to ask for help sometimes) is the greatest it's ever been. This song speaks so much truth in my heart and I want to shout this song from the rooftops.

So, while I'm the first to tell you that I don't like to ask for help, I will also be the first to tell you that asking for help is the best thing you could ever do to help your physical, mental, AND spiritual health. It definitely did that for me. Even if you start out by asking God for help, it's a step in the right direction.

"Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, And He brought them out of their distresses. He caused the storm to be still, So that the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad because they were quiet, So He guided them to their desired haven." (Psalm 107:28-30)

"This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests which we have asked from Him." (1 John 5:14-15)

In His Name.

Unconditional

Hey guys! Its been a few weeks since I've posted anything but I've had a few things I wanted to share with you today. After returning home from school for the summer, I had a wedding photography job lined up for two close friends of mine. So, on Mothers Day, I took off for a beautiful afternoon of taking pictures.

And let me tell you...these pictures turned out so so well!! The amount of love between this couple was so raw and so photogenic that I bawled (a couple of times)! Here are a few of the pictures:

As you can see, these two love each other so, very much. I have watched their love grow from just starting to date to fiancées to now a married couple. To be quite honest, their love is the love I want with my future husband.

This brings me to my topic of the day: love.

I have told you guys before that ever since I was a little girl, I have wanted a love to rival the greatest loves of all time. I'm a true romantic at heart. I want someone to hold me, someone I can tell my fears and doubts to, someone to love me for who I truly am. I want that so much, that I let it consume me sometimes.

But I've already talked about myself in this category before, so let me talk about someone(s) else for a change.

You see, when I think of my future husband/relationship, all I see are my parents. That's right. My parents are my true inspiration for my relationships.

My parents, I feel, are the true definition of a Christ-like love. They love each other unconditionally...no matter how many times my dad annoys my mom or how crazy my mom seems to make my dad.

These guys have been married for 15+ years and their love continues to grow stronger and stronger with each passing year. I've witnessed firsthand all the ups and downs of their relationship.

They definitely have had their fights. I have been there for meltdowns, blow-ups, and just the general yelling. (And I may have even been the cause for some of those. Haha!)

But here's the thing...they forgive each other. No matter what. They don't let their fights define their relationship. They go back to each other and make up. No matter who is at fault or who "threw the first punch" (figuratively of course).

That's love, you guys.

I cannot begin to explain to you guys how inspired I am by these two. Throughout my life, they have taught me what true, real, raw love looks like. They have shown me that you must love God first before letting anybody else into your heart. Through them, I've seen that you must place God in the center of your relationship if you want it to go anywhere.

These two beautiful human beings have shown me all there is to know about love. I couldn't ask for two better role models for myself or my siblings.

Just as 1 Corinthians says, "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things".

Remember, we all love because He first loved all of us. (1 John 4:19)

So, thank you, mom and dad, for showing me Who to turn to when times get tough and for being who you guys are. Thank you for showing me what true, Christ-centered love looks like and for inspiring me in my own relationships with others. I love you two so very much and couldn't ask for two better parents.

In His love. 

Burdened

Well...it's finally here. The end of my sophomore year. My college career is half over.

It honestly doesn't feel real to me. I feel like I should still be coloring pictures for homework and drink out of tiny juice boxes.

I have one more week of final exams and then I get to return home for the summer. I cannot wait to be back in a nice, soft bed with a home-cooked meal and actual water pressure in my shower. I will get to return to my old job as well as getting to return to my friends in Auburn.

Like I said, I cannot wait.

So, why is it that I'm sitting here underneath the stars, sobbing uncontrollably because I have to leave in a week? 

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I've been struggling a lot with some things in my life and it wasn't until recently that I've realized that I let them slowly control my life and everything in it.

I've let these things consume me until it was all I thought and worried and stressed over.

Boys.

School.

Friends.

Family.

Money.

Jobs.

Those are just a few of the many things that have been swirling around in my head recently. Notice how I didn't mention God or my Bible or my faith. Yeah, I've been failing at that recently. I haven't been giving Him the time He needs from me on a day to day basis.

Instead, I've allowed drama to seep into my life and start to take over. Boy drama, friend drama, family drama; it's all there. And I am so, so ashamed of that.

I told myself that I wanted this semester to be drama free and that I would take a step back from everything and anything to do with drama. I guess that was a stupid promise to make on my part, because naturally, drama finds me (or I find it).

I guess part of it is because I don't have the courage to tell people how I really feel. I let it sit in me until eventually I burst and it al comes out in one heap. (And that is sooo not the way to tell people how you feel about them.)

I hate confrontation, so anything that has to do with me owning up to stuff in front of people is a no-no. This is why I told the guy I was crushing on that I liked him via text message. And why I refused to look my friend in the eye when I told her how upset I was with her for dumping me for other, "cooler" people. And also why I struggled with telling my mom how left out I felt in the family now that I don't live at home anymore and was missing everything that went on.

Today, I felt overwhelmed. So, naturally, I went on a midnight drive to do some stargazing and some deep thinking.

And here we are. With me still sobbing and you most likely thinking I'm a crazy person. (I'm not. I promise. I'm just emotional.)

Crying has helped relieve some stress from finals and everything. It has also helped me finally and clearly see the problems that have been in my life recently. Just a little while ago as I began to type this up, one of my favorite songs (Love Ran Red--Chris Tomlin) came on the radio and I just had to turn it all the way up and belt the song from the top of my lungs.

And when the song ended, I heard God speak to me. I closed my eyes and listened to Him whisper in my ear:

"Kaitlyn, my beautiful daughter, lean on Me. I am here for you. I will never forsake you. Let go of all these burdens and give them to Me. I will take them from you and put them on my back. Let Me carry these for you. Just hand them to Me.

"Remember, my love, that you are a beautiful creation of Mine. I wove you together from dust. You are perfectly imperfect in every single way and that is why I love you so. You are My daughter--My wonderful, beautiful, magnificent daughter--My Princess.

"My plan for you is so great. Don't ever forget that. I know you may want to lead your own life and I understand, but, my darling, let My will be done. I love you."

My God is so amazing. After tonight, I feel that I can make it through anything. With Him by my side every step of the way I know I can do anything I put my mind to. I'm thankful and so very blessed for a God such as this.

In His love.

Redeemed

"Yet, O Lord, You are our Father. We are the clay, You are the potter; we are all the work of Your hand." (Isaiah 64:8)

We are a broken people.

We live in a broken world.

As humans, we all are broken and shattered and no where near perfect.

But see, that's not the end of our lives.

Our lives are not our own stories. It is not---it was never--about us and us alone. This life, this wonderful, glorious life that we live is all about Him and about us coming to be a part of His story. 

The verse that I started this post off with is a verse that has been on my mind for a few weeks now. If you go to church on a regular basis or have been a Christian for a few years or more, I'm sure you've heard this verse a lot. A verse that likens us to clay and God to the potter. 

God took us from an image in His mind and he created us. He formed us all uniquely and all for Him. We were created to serve Him and all He does for us. 

I just love the idea of us being clay in His hands. Before He touches us, we are formless. We are void of life, of soul. The moment that He begins His work in us, we become full of life, of love. We are beautiful creations--works--of His own hand. 

But, the thing about clay is that it is continually worked and reshaped to the potter's likings. The potter does not rest until he is satisfied with his work. This also means that the clay must be willing to be reformed into something new.

As the clay of His hands, we, as God's sons and daughters must be yielded and still. We have to allow God to shape us with his hands. There are three things that I see that we must be able to do and go through in order for God to shape us:

1. Patience--In order for God to be able to mold us into people He would like for us to be, we must have patience. We cannot and must not be impatient as that does not do anything for us. Impatience causes stress and unhappiness. Patience, on the other hand, fills us with life and with happiness.

2. We must be willing to be destroyed. Sometimes, the potter needs to start all over again. To do so, the old pottery must be destroyed so that a new one can take its place. It's hard to be willing to be destroyed. We love our lives and sometimes we don't want to change. Change is hard. But God promises to bring joy with the change. When old doors close, new ones open and that's what we know to be true. God's promises never break.

3. Allow God to treat us with tenderness. Just as clay is slowly and tenderly formed into a pot, God places His hands softly on us to form us. He is never rough nor does he rip and tear at us. His love washes over us and He holds us carefully in His arms. 

We need to stop taking our heart out of His hands. He knows what is best for us and we need to let Him hold our hearts. That's what I mean when I say that we must be yielded and still. We need to let Him form us. 

There's an old saying that goes: "My life in Your hands; my ways for Your plans".

One more thing I wanted to mention about this is that when you look at a potter, what do you see? What are they covered in?

Clay.

They are covered from head to toe in the clay that they have been working with.

This is another image that I'm in love with. God, our potter, is covered in clay. He is covered in us. So that we may be covered and clothed in righteousness. God became flesh and put on our clay and was hung on that cross. 

He wore it so we didn't have to. He became dirty and muddy and downright filthy so that we can become beautiful and priceless in His image. 

How amazing is that?

As I leave this with you guys today, I just want say, surrender yourselves to the Potter. Because through Him, we are redeemed. 

In His love.