Sweetly Broken

Happy Discounted Chocolate Day!

(This is actually one of my favorite days of the year. That, and the day after Halloween.)

I should also probably say a late Happy Valentine's Day to all of you. It was only yesterday but, to me, it honestly feels like much longer.

I didn't post a Valentine's post last year, but the two years before last, I made sure to post on Valentine's Day about being enough and it being okay to be single of the most "romantic" holiday of the year. I didn't post last year because I was dating someone and I didn't really feel the need to post anything. However, this year, I want to talk just a little about some things that have been on my heart.

Yes, I am dating someone currently and yes, it is someone different than a year ago and someone different than a few months ago. I won't go in to much detail about our relationship, mostly because I want to keep it between us, but also because my relationship is not the subject of this post. I will share a few tidbits throughout this post, but don't expect much else. (If you really want to know, come and ask me or my boyfriend.)

So...Valentine's Day, huh?

A few years ago, I would've laughed and called it "Singles Awareness Day" or "Discounted Chocolate Eve". I would've made extensive plans with my friends and we would've made a night out of it eating chocolate, ice cream and laughing about boys. I would've struggled a bit throughout the day knowing I was single and that the day was meant for couples. I would've cried that night because I would've felt that nobody found me good enough to date.

However, this year, while partly the same, was also different. I have a boyfriend. So, I really should have someone to celebrate this day with, right? Wrong.

My boyfriend lives in Auburn. I live in Rome. We live a (long but short) 140 miles away from each other. He works full time. I attend school full time. We each have busy lives and we really can't see each other during the weekdays and have to settle for short weekend visits. Even then, sometimes we are too busy anyways and won't see each other for weeks at a time. It's hard being in a long distance relationship. And it's really crappy when Valentine's Day falls on the middle of the week.

(Please understand that I'm not complaining about having to be long distance. In fact, I think the long distance makes our relationship grow stronger. Our trust in each other grows every day. And I love the anticipation of seeing him after a long week or two without him.)

So, Valentine's Day was a Tuesday this year. I wasn't very happy about it because I couldn't see my boyfriend to celebrate with him and have a date night. We had already planned on having a date night this weekend when we saw each other again. We made plans to stay in, make homemade pizza and watch movies all night. It was going to be okay.

Except, for me, it wasn't.

I woke up feeling fine, but going throughout my day, I just kept feeling more and more upset about the holiday. I kept seeing girls with roses and boxes of candy and balloons and stuffed animals walking around campus. I saw couples holding hands and eating lunch together. I saw posts ALL OVER social media about couples and presents and their Valentine's date nights. (I mean, I posted a Valentine's Instagram pic too, but it was a throwback pic--most of the ones I was seeing were from that very day.) I was struggling to keep my composure throughout the day.

There was a part of my heart wishing the my boyfriend would surprise me at Berry with flowers and a hug and a date night. I mean, he had the day off and he could surprise me after I got out of class, right? I spent the entire day yesterday wishing and hoping that he would surprise me. That's the kind of person he is anyways. He surprises me with amazing gestures and in my heart, something like driving up to surprise me on Valentine's Day would be no different.

I knew I was being stupid to hope for so much. So in last minute efforts, I decided to get dinner with friends and hang out with them that night. I told my boyfriend and he was excited for me and told me, "go have fun, baby. You deserve it." That's when my heart kind of broke in two. I knew for sure that he wasn't going to surprise me up here. I shouldn't have been as upset as I was and I knew I was being irrational.

But I went and had fun with my friends. We ate dinner, got Starbucks and went to play with puppies for the rest of the night. I laughed; I smiled; I had a genuinely good time with them. Yet, when I got home and got in bed, I was still feeling a little heartbroken. I was purposefully being short with my boyfriend, though he never really asked what was wrong. I went to bed early (earlier than usual), as I didn't feel like doing any homework, and hoped that I could sleep off this feeling of heartbreak.

I will go ahead and say that I woke up in a much better mood this morning. Those feelings are gone now and I know I was being stupid yesterday for feeling those things.

So, I know I just bored you with a story about my Valentine's Day, but I wanted to let you guys in on a little secret:

No matter if you are in a relationship, if you are single, if it's just complicated, Valentine's Day doesn't have to be a crappy holiday. Make plans with your friends or just go treat yourself! You deserve it all and more.

I'll say it again, real love cannot be measured. In Psalms, it is said: "Your steadfast love, O LORD, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds" (Psalms 3:19). God's love for us is immeasurable. It goes far beyond our comprehension. It stretches into forever, towards eternity future.

His love is one that holds no bars. He gives us everything, to the point of sacrificing His own son. At the cross, the perfect love of the triune God was shown most vividly as the Son bore each of our sins for us. This is unquantifiable, immeasurable love.

We are enough. We are more than enough. We may be broken as humans of this earth, but you see...we are sweetly broken and wholly surrendered. 

God loves us no matter what; No matter our pasts; No matter our presents; And no matter our futures. He loves us unconditionally and that's what we need to tell ourselves every single day, not just on Valentine's Day. 

Let's proclaim to society that we are MORE than enough. We are the sons and daughters of a King who "made everything beautiful in its time" (Ecclesiastes 3:11). We were made special and with a unique purpose.

As soon as I woke up this morning, I proclaimed that I am loved by a perfect God and that I am enough for this world. 

I may not have been able to spend Valentine's Day with my boyfriend and I may have not gotten flowers or candy or any presents on that day, but I know I don't have to worry about that with him. He makes me feel special and loved every other day of the week and I know he has fun plans for us this weekend. 

So ladies (and fellas), do not worry about Valentine's Day. Find that one person that makes you feel loved every day of the year not just on the day they are supposed to. And if that person does not exist for you yet, know that God loves you anyways and always. So, trust in that.

In His Name,

Don't Settle: An Open Letter to Girls Who Deserve Better

Dear You,

I’ve heard that you’re struggling. With a lot. Boys, friendships, family, and just plain old life. I’ve heard that there are days when you just want to give up on everything. Days when you lay in bed and wonder if it’s worth getting up for the day. Days when everything just seems to go wrong. 

Trust me, sweet girl, I’ve been there. I really have. 

This letter is for all the girls out there who feel like they aren’t worthy of love. It’s for the girls who are in love, yet doubt anyways. It’s for the ones who are broken-hearted. It’s for those girls who are still wishing for their Prince Charming. It’s for the hopeless romantics. It’s for the hopeful romantics. It’s even for those who are happy. And, sweetheart? This letter…it’s specifically for you.

Let’s be honest here, girls. We love to fall in love. We want to be desired by someone else. And I’m not just talking about girls here. And I’m also not just talking about women. I am talking about the human population as a whole. We love to love. And even more, we love to be loved. But you know what our problem is? We are settling. That’s right, we, girls, are settling. We are settling for that guy who hold doors behind them rather than in front of them. We are settling for “surface relationships” when we should be looking for deeper moments and deeper conversations. We are settling for “talking” to a guy when we should have a “let’s do something about this” kind of mindset. We are settling for having a “thing” when we should have a “I’ll be on my way” mindset. We are texting. We are snapchatting. We are stalking Instagram posts. How about we not settle for social media flirting? If a guy really likes you (and I mean, really likes you), he will like the real you more than the social media you. We, as humans on this world, are settling for that 21st century relationship when what we really should be searching for in an everlasting love. 

Baby girl, love is a two way street. Treat others as you want to be treated. We should be treated by guys how we have desired to be treated for the longest time and we should also be willing to return this treatment back to them. You can’t go around expecting a breathtaking love story if he in the only contributor to it. And he shouldn’t expect that either if you are the only one writing in that story. Don’t believe the lies that the world and Satan tries to tell you. Don’t believe them when they tell you how unrealistic a Christ-like man is. Just because you crave a more meaningful relationship than most of the world, doesn’t mean that you are living in a fantasy. Don’t believe those awful lies. See, the thing is, you just have higher standards. And that’s okay. One day, you will see those high standards turn into a high-valued relationship. 

Here’s another painful truth: relationships end. They end, darling. And there isn’t a thing we can do to change that. You can’t be looking towards a full life while also hoping for no heartbreak. Without heartbreak, there can be no lessons learned for us. Relationships end; you cry; you hurt; you move forwards. Relationships end because God did not have them in His will for you. Maybe your sense of humor doesn’t match their’s. Not your fault. Maybe you’re too extroverted. Not your fault. When you settle in a relationship, you are saying that you are too scared that no one else will love you like they do. You are staying out of fear. When you settle, your emptiness and your absence of fulfillment isn’t his problem. It’s yours. Yes, I’m going to be blunt about that: it’s yours. We can blame others. We can totally blame it on their mistakes and their lack of love. But when you settle—oh, when you settle—you are only hurting yourself that much more. 

Let me tell you…you do not deserve a 21st century relationship. I’m going to repeat it. You. Do not. Deserve a 21st century relationship. You don’t deserve those “read receipts” or those “likes” on Twitter or Instagram. You know what you deserve? You deserve a love-centered relationship—one centered on something greater than both of you combined! You don’t deserve to be cheated on. Under any circumstances. Ever. You deserve a guy who would never think of leaving you. I’m serious. You deserve to be appreciated and loved for who you are; not judged by your compassion, intelligence, or beauty. You do not deserve to feel like the only one in the relationship. You deserve to feel like there is someone else putting in the effort. Putting in 100% on the other side. You definitely do not deserve a car honk or a text saying “here”. You deserve a doorbell ring. You do not deserve to be treated “less than” anything. You deserve to be treated like the most important person in the world. No matter what. 

Sweetie, there will be someone who will do what he won’t. If he isn’t kind to waiters at a restaurant, there is someone who is. If he doesn’t shake hands and make good eye contact with your parents, there will be someone who does. It he doesn’t bother to pull the chair out for you, someone else will make sure to do it. If he is someone who cancels on you quite often, there will be someone who will always show up ten minutes early. If he doesn’t walk you to the door because it’s too old-fashioned, there will be someone who believes the opposite. If he doesn’t remember those small details (like the way you take you coffee or your favorite Skittle flavor), just know that there will be a guy in whom you’ll be so surprised because they know so much about you. If this guy doesn’t go out of his way for you, just know that there is someone else who will make it his priority to go out of his way just for you.

Here’s my advice to you: If you wouldn’t marry them, don’t date them. If you look at him and you wouldn’t want to wake up to their…personality, every day, of every week, for the rest of your life, please don’t waste your time now. If you look at him and wouldn’t want your future kids to be just like him, don’t waste your time now. Darling, just wait. Wait for someone that you would never associate the word “settle” with. Wait. Wait instead of settling for the wrong guy. Wait, because out there, there is someone who will look at you in a way that you never knew was possible. Wait, because there is bound to be something greater, a relationship between true loves, and not those “love to be loved” type of people. Wait, because there is someone out there who would never (NEVER) allow you to settle. Wait. Because if he won’t, then you can be sure that someone else will. 

Love,    

Someone who has been in your shoes

Happy

Hey guys! With Easter right around the corner (TOMORROW!!), I wanted to write a quick blog post about something I've been focusing on quite recently in my life.

As humans living in this world, we tend to get caught up in the negatives of our lives. We dwell on them and let them drown out everything else in our lives. Personally, my last few weeks have been filled with getting over a harsh break-up, stressing over tests and school work, wondering about the future (aka--senior year at college) and much much more. I was letting these events in my life overtake the happy things.

This past week, however, I took time to write out the things that make me happy. It's so easy to pick out things that make me unhappy, but until we truly think hard about it, those things overwhelm us. Trust me, there are a lot more things in life to be happy and to laugh about. So many more than we actually realize! Like I've said before, it's the little things in life that make us most happy.

So, here is a list of 50 things that make me happy. (What are yours?)

1. A warm cup of coffee in the morning
2. Freshly dried laundry
3. A warm, sunshiny day
4. The first blooms of Spring
5. Laughing to the point that your abs ache
6. Bible journaling
7. A long talk with an old friend
8. The smell of coffee shops (I love coffee--sue me)
9. The smell of an old book
10. Dates with my siblings
11. Baking cookies in the middle of the night
12. Sales at clothing stores
13. Shopping at thrift stores
14. Pancakes
15. Hammocking in a park
16. Running around with bare feet
17. Freshly mowed grass
18. Thunderstorms
19. Afternoon naps
20. Having butterflies in my stomach
21. Long, hot showers
22. Reading my Bible
23. Going to church on Sunday mornings
24. Cooking
25. And baking!
26. Sunrises
27. Sunsets
28. Driving with the top down in my car
29. Singing along to the radio
30. Dance parties
31. Looking at old photographs
32. Waking up in the middle of the night and realizing you can go back to sleep
33. Finding a verse that fits perfectly with your current situation
34. Worship music
35. Random acts of kindness
36. Surviving another school year
37. Heart to hearts with parents/grandparents
38. Long hugs
39. Forehead kisses
40. Realizing how blessed this life is
41. Knowing that God has a hold on me
42. Dressing up and going out
43. Feeling pretty
44. Wearing lipstick
45. The mornings that you can lay in the bed for hours
46. Finishing a good book
47. Netflix marathons
48. Working out
49. Feeling confident
50. Painting

So yeah, those are my top 50. I could write so many more. But, I'll spare you from reading all of that. Basically, whatever you are going through...whether it be a bad break-up (which is my case), an awful school year/semester, etc...take the time to write out what makes you happy. And by the time you get into it, you'll find yourself smiling more and more. 

Don't be afraid to be happy again if you're going through a rough patch. God wants us to be happy and wants us to realize that He has better things in store for us. All it takes is time. 

I like to go back to this verse whenever I'm struggling. I hope it encourages you as well:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." (James 1:2-3)

In His name. 

Redeemed

"Yet, O Lord, You are our Father. We are the clay, You are the potter; we are all the work of Your hand." (Isaiah 64:8)

We are a broken people.

We live in a broken world.

As humans, we all are broken and shattered and no where near perfect.

But see, that's not the end of our lives.

Our lives are not our own stories. It is not---it was never--about us and us alone. This life, this wonderful, glorious life that we live is all about Him and about us coming to be a part of His story. 

The verse that I started this post off with is a verse that has been on my mind for a few weeks now. If you go to church on a regular basis or have been a Christian for a few years or more, I'm sure you've heard this verse a lot. A verse that likens us to clay and God to the potter. 

God took us from an image in His mind and he created us. He formed us all uniquely and all for Him. We were created to serve Him and all He does for us. 

I just love the idea of us being clay in His hands. Before He touches us, we are formless. We are void of life, of soul. The moment that He begins His work in us, we become full of life, of love. We are beautiful creations--works--of His own hand. 

But, the thing about clay is that it is continually worked and reshaped to the potter's likings. The potter does not rest until he is satisfied with his work. This also means that the clay must be willing to be reformed into something new.

As the clay of His hands, we, as God's sons and daughters must be yielded and still. We have to allow God to shape us with his hands. There are three things that I see that we must be able to do and go through in order for God to shape us:

1. Patience--In order for God to be able to mold us into people He would like for us to be, we must have patience. We cannot and must not be impatient as that does not do anything for us. Impatience causes stress and unhappiness. Patience, on the other hand, fills us with life and with happiness.

2. We must be willing to be destroyed. Sometimes, the potter needs to start all over again. To do so, the old pottery must be destroyed so that a new one can take its place. It's hard to be willing to be destroyed. We love our lives and sometimes we don't want to change. Change is hard. But God promises to bring joy with the change. When old doors close, new ones open and that's what we know to be true. God's promises never break.

3. Allow God to treat us with tenderness. Just as clay is slowly and tenderly formed into a pot, God places His hands softly on us to form us. He is never rough nor does he rip and tear at us. His love washes over us and He holds us carefully in His arms. 

We need to stop taking our heart out of His hands. He knows what is best for us and we need to let Him hold our hearts. That's what I mean when I say that we must be yielded and still. We need to let Him form us. 

There's an old saying that goes: "My life in Your hands; my ways for Your plans".

One more thing I wanted to mention about this is that when you look at a potter, what do you see? What are they covered in?

Clay.

They are covered from head to toe in the clay that they have been working with.

This is another image that I'm in love with. God, our potter, is covered in clay. He is covered in us. So that we may be covered and clothed in righteousness. God became flesh and put on our clay and was hung on that cross. 

He wore it so we didn't have to. He became dirty and muddy and downright filthy so that we can become beautiful and priceless in His image. 

How amazing is that?

As I leave this with you guys today, I just want say, surrender yourselves to the Potter. Because through Him, we are redeemed. 

In His love.

Full

Today, I went on a drive in the rain.

For those of you who know me, I go on a drive about once a week to take a step back from everything and to jam out in the confines of my car. I like to get away from all the drama and stresses of life to just relax and take some deep breaths.

I haven't been on a drive in a few weeks, and I felt that I needed one today, so I packed up my stuff and set out.

I drove all over the place. I went to the edges of the city of Rome and then back to Berry and up to Mountain Campus. Once up there, I parked by Swan Lake and settled in. Then, I did something that honestly surprised me.

I cried.

I cried and I cried and I cried.

I cried until I had no tears left. I sat in a car by a lake (while it poured outside) with absolutely nobody else around and sobbed my heart out.

Why?

Well, to be quite frank with you all, I was overwhelmed with life...with everything that was going on around me. So many different things were pressing onto my shoulders--burden after burden came crashing down--so that when I finally stepped away from it all, the waterworks started.

But here's the thing, I also cried because I remembered that while I have so much stress on me and while there are burdens coming at me from all angles, I have people--fabulous relationships--in my life who make it so much easier to live.

So, I wanted to talk about the relationships in our lives and what it means to have a Godly relationship with someone.

I have learned through past experiences--through betrayal, slander, back-stabbing, and gossip--that some relationships with people just aren't meant to last. They are what we call seasonal friendships and God only sets them there for a little while and takes them away again. We weren't meant to have those people in our lives. Yes, it hurts when they go away or when they do something against you, but God doesn't want you to be friends or have relationships with people who are a detriment to your growth and enrichment.

It's also not enough that we should only want someone who is trustworthy, loyal, and kind. It is so very important that we also strive to be that type of person to someone else. That's what feeds healthy relationships: that connection when both persons are loyal and kind to one another.

It is such a blessing to have people in my life who can tell when I've had a rough day or week. These people can immediately read my mood and will work to make me smile or laugh. They will pray for me when I need it or even when I don't need it. In fact, to have someone who prays for me daily with no motive or reason in mind is absolutely stunning. Not people who talk about me behind my back or judge me for how I act, but people who pray for me without ceasing.

It's not an easy journey--making and leaving friends. God essentially knows what you need and has an exact plan set out for you and for the people who will be in your life. He will quickly weed out those who do not fit in with His plan and when He does, it's easy to rebuke Him. But un-Godly friendships and relationships are detrimental to us. They feed us wrongful thoughts and lead us into temptations that take us further from God.

However, those Godly relationships that we have, build us up. The purpose of these friendships is to help one another in their walk with God. Proverbs 2:17 says: "As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend. This friendship is not a crutch for one person to lean on because each person is founded on God and not on one another. It is bonded by their love for God and for their obedience to His Word. It gives without expecting anything in return. That is what a Godly relationship is.

Earlier this week, I was having a rough time with life. I was stressed from the amount of tests I had and wasn't getting enough sleep at nights. I was exhausted and cranky and just didn't want to hang out with anybody.

Then, I got a text from one of my closest friends here at school. He wrote to me about how I am such a blessing to him and just wanted to let me know that he loves me and is always praying for me no matter what.

Obviously, that made me tear up because, unknowingly, I desperately needed to hear those words from someone.

That next day, I had the chance to sit with a friend and just talk about life. We didn't talk about anything specific, just pondered about life and what it holds for us and what God is doing in our lives. She didn't realize this, but I absolutely cherished those moments with her. I was able to get away from everything for a minute and talk about life with someone I care for very deeply. She is one of my best friends and I am beyond blessed to be able to come to her to talk about struggles and accomplishments.

That being said, I know I have friends who will always be there for me, who will never leave me and who will talk to me and with me about anything and everything.

Before I close out, I want to say something to my friends out there:

Thank you. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for believing in me and for accepting me; for praying without ceasing for me; for aiding me in my walk with Christ. I have no idea where I would be without any of you guys in my life and I can't thank my God enough for placing you in my life to begin with. I love you guys dearly and would not trade you for the world. 

Think about those relationships in your life. Who do you really count on when times get tough? Who is God telling you to move towards or away from?

In His love.

Needy and Free

Yes, you read that right.

I, Kaitlyn, am needy.

I am so needy, actually, that's it's quite embarrassing to some people.

But, you see, the things that I'm needy for, aren't the things that other people are needy for.

What I'm needy for is:

Friendship.

Quiet time.

My Bible.

Family.

Life.

And most importantly, I'm needy for God.

Yep. God. I find myself in constant need of Him in my life. I cannot go a day without Him. He is my rock and my refuge.

See, some people believe that they do not need God to live their lives. They believe that if they have a great career, a good home, a fantastic family, then there in no need for a higher power in their individual lives. But, without God, they lack something vitally important.

The something is a desire for a purpose for life or a lasting significance.

Without God, there is no purpose for life whatsoever. Which basically means that we are accidents in this world.

But we're not. We are not accidents. We were designed. And since we were designed, we now have purpose for living.

To find your purpose in life is quite difficult sometimes. Trust me. There are days when I go around wondering what I am doing with my life. And then there are days in which I know exactly what I am doing, where I am going and who I am.

There are days when I just want to stay in bed because I feel like there's no point in taking on the day. And then there are days when I jump out of bed with a smile on my face, ready to get things done.

But there is one thing that stays the same: my purpose for God.

You see, we were put on this earth to serve Him. He created us. He sent His one and only Son to die for us. He deserves something in return. He deserves our praise and our devotion to Him.

My purpose for God is to go out and spread His word. I am called to make disciples in His name. Jesus called all of us to make disciples. In Matthew 28:19 He says: "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit".

That is my purpose in life.

To serve God and by doing so, bringing others to Him.

That is why I need God. I need Him because without Him, I would not have a purpose in my life. I would be without desire to live. I wouldn't want to be on this world without Him.

Today at church, this whole idea of needing God in my life was brought home by one song. Matt Maher's "Lord, I Need You". (Great title, huh?)

Click here to listen to the song. One verse particularly sticks out to me:

"And where You are, Lord I am free
Holiness, is Christ in me."

Those two lines are everything to me. Everything.

I am free in Christ. I am holy because Christ is in me. I am not chained down by my sins or my transgressions. No matter what I go through in life, I have Christ and Christ lives in me.

I AM FREE BECAUSE OF CHRIST.

I am going to shout it from the rooftops.

I. AM. FREE. BECAUSE. CHRIST. DIED. FOR. ME.

And you! You are free because Christ died for you!

Basically, that's what this life is all about. We live because He died.

So....LIVE.

In His love.

Blessed

I want to admit something to you guys:

I am not perfect.

Whoa. What's that you say? I mean to tell you that I'm not the perfect Christian you think I am?

Let me tell you something even crazier:

I am no where near perfect.

I have flaws and imperfections just like everyone else. I sin just like everyone else. My life is filled with one mess up after another.

This past weekend, I wasn't necessarily having a good few days. My chemistry test stressed me out to the point of crying in the middle of the hallway after I left the exam. I felt as if I was sleep deprived to no end and all I wanted to do was sleep for hours upon hours without being disturbed. I was struggling with some drama going on between friends and boys and all I wanted to do was get away from it all.

Even throughout all of those hurdles and struggles in the past few days, I found a multitude of blessings.

After my chemistry exam, I walked out of the room trying to hold it together. I was frustrated and upset and I didn't want to break down in the middle of the hall. (tough luck with that.) I ended up starting to cry while walking through the halls and as I was turning a corner, a random guy saw me, stopped and immediately wrapped his arms around me. After the hug, he gave me a lopsided smile and told me that everything was gong to be okay and that I was going to be able to make it through the day. He unknowingly blessed my life and I was able to continue through the day with a smile on my face and my head held high.

As for the sleep deprived part...yes, I was tired. But I was tired because I spent the nights with my roommate and her sister watching movies, eating snacks and laughing about the most random things. I enjoy those times with my friends and even though I was exhausted the next day it was beyond worth it.

The drama doesn't necessarily have a happy ending or a blessing tied to it. Drama is drama. And while I wish I wasn't in the middle of it all, life happens and I had difficulty getting out of it.

This weekend, I also had a hard time with some self-esteem issues. Now, normally, I don't have many issues with it. I've learned to love who I am and to accept any and all flaws that I may have. God made me this way, so why complain about it?

But for some reason, the past few days have been hard on me. I felt like I wasn't pretty enough or skinny enough or good enough for people to hang out with or want to get to know. I threw myself into this dark place for a few days where I thought that I wasn't worth it.

Many of you know by now, that in high school, I did go through a short period of depression and even began to self-harm. I did not go that far this weekend.

I am aware now that self-inflicted pain is not the answer and I know I would never do it again in my lifetime. It's not worth it. However, that's not to say that my thoughts didn't gravitate towards that. Because they did. And I understand that sometimes it just happens. It's a reflex thought. Even though I would never go down that far, I allowed those thoughts to cloud my judgement.

Then, last night, I received notification that a friend had tagged me in a photo on Instagram. Safe to say, I was a little confused by it. But when I clicked on the picture, my entire world was flipped right side up. He posted a picture along with these words:

"Just so you know: Your beauty is as infinite as the number of lives you'll touch with your gentle smile and know and accepting and acknowledging your imperfections does not make you less attractive, but makes you human, a very beautiful human. You are not a hair color, a dress size, a 1-10. You're a woman who is beautiful and deserves to be recognized for being you." (Blake Phillips)

As I read those words, I started to cry. And cry. And cry. He doesn't realize it but he definitely saved me from a lot of pain and heartache last night.

God knows immediately when we need to hear how beautiful we are. Last night was one of those times for me. And he sent me those words through one of my closest and dearest friends here at Berry.

So, like I said before, I'm not perfect. I have flaws and I sin and I have dark thoughts from time to time. But, you see, I wasn't called to perfection. I was called to live a life worthy of the One who created me and He is always willing to forgive me no matter how bad I've been. He loves me despite the fact that I fail Him every day.

I'm blessed by many people and many things in my life. It just takes a little nudge to see that sometimes.

In His Love.

Surrenderer

"Nothing is impossible.
Every chain is breakable.
With You, we are victorious."

I am in awe.

Let me repeat that...

I. Am. In. Awe.

This past Thursday night, Berry had another concert on campus. Now, I love me a good Berry concert. It's free, fun and an all out party most of the time. This past Thursday was all that and more.

Rend Collective came to Berry. That's right...the most amazing Irish Christian band was on our campus. I've loved Rend Collective for the past year or so after discovering their music on Spotify. To hear that they were coming to Berry put me in all kinds of hysterics. I was beyond excited.

Now, Berry hyped up this event. They put up posters, sent out e-vites on Facebook and sent out emails. The entire campus was buzzing about this concert. I had made up my mind to get there early to get good seats as it was by general seating only on a first come, first serve basis.

Boy, was that a fabulous idea.

My group and I were able to get front row seats. Talk about a perfect night!

The concert was simply breathtaking. I got to experience God blow up in the college chapel that night. He was all over that room and I saw Him blow through each student present at that concert.

Which leads me to what I really wanted to talk about: Surrendering yourself to God.

Rend Collective allowed me to pour out everything I was feeling and to give it to the hands of my Savior. Their lyrics aren't just normal, cliche Christian lyrics. They really do speak to you in a way you never knew before. One of my favorite songs by them is their song "More than Conquerors".

It honestly just powers me up and just puts a fire in my heart and soul for my God. (To listen to this song click here.) I could listen to it all day long.

This song resonates deep in me and I willingly surrender everything to Him.

Their music hypes me up and you can listen to their album Art of Celebration here.

That's really all I wanted to say. I am overwhelmed by the new mercies God hands me everyday and so very thankful for each day of this life that I live. Thanks Berry, for giving me the experience of a lifetime!

In His love.

Alive

Take a deep breathe in. Now breathe out.

God is active in your life.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

God is active in your life.

In. Out.

God is active.

Every single breath you take is a gift from God--a deliberate act of God's will to give you one more breath of life...and another...and another.

God's not done with you yet.

Look all around you! Look at the life existing throughout our world! Marvel at the mountains, embrace the beauty of the trees, and look at the people. See the people? Oh my gosh, there are so many people. Children and elderly; black and white; singles and couples. There's life and there's beauty--diversity and unity. (And you know, what?) It's ALL good!! And, all good things come from God!

Breathe In. Breathe Out.

God's goodness is all over the world we live in. But, the sad thing is that, through the cracks, evil is allowed to seep through. Dark clouds rise over the world. The darkness rules these places and as a result, our visions start to blur. It can even get to the point when we are having trouble seeing the light--the magnificent, marvelous light of God.

Bad things happen in this world.

Depression. Abuse. Death. Divorce. Betrayal. Rejection. Grief.

Suffering is a part of our lives. As human beings, we a forced to experience such things because, sadly, we do not live in a perfect world.

Trust me, life gets rough. It gets hard to push through it sometimes. Some days I just want to escape from it all, but I can't. I just can't run away from life. It doesn't work like that. I have to push through it and keep on living my life.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

There it is: another gift from God.

Now, we know all good things come from God, but for some reason, God allows all those bad things to happen (even though He never starts it). I mean, we can go ahead and shake our fists at Him and ask Him why He would do such a thing to us, but honestly, that would accomplish nothing. However, there's another option: we can submit ourselves to His glory and hold on tight to His promises of goodness and love.

One day (when the time is just right), He will penetrate this awful darkness and His light will shine upon our weak and fallen bodies. And we will realize that every pain and every struggle we encountered in the dark abyss of the world was NOTHING compared to the glory we will experience with God.

We're human. We're going to experience intense struggle. There's no doubt about that. But, we should remember that every single excruciating moment is stuffed full of meaning. We are alive and God is working in us. We can't ever forget that.

"Let everything that has breath..."

Breathe in.

"Praise the Lord."

Breathe out.

Jealous

"I wish I could have her hair. It's so straight and perfect."

"Why can't my body look like hers?"

"He gets all the girls. Why can't I be more like him?"

"His car is so cool. I wish I had a car like that."

Did you know that a sin is a sin is a sin? We often forget that, in the eyes of God, sins are equal no matter what. We, as humans, put them into "smaller" and "greater" categories, with jealousy and comparison falling into the former while murder, theft, and adultery fall into the latter.

However, we must remember that all sin separates us from God. We don't want that. So, all sin needs to be taken seriously, no matter how severe or less severe we seem to find it.

I recently met up with my friend, Blake, at Starbucks to talk about my blog and his spoken word that he does. We wanted to find a way to incorporate a spoken word piece he wrote into one of my blog posts. We ended up talking a little about the sin of comparison and how rampant and rooted it is in our lives today.

After, going through some of the things that I did in the past, I came out with a lot more self-confidence than I used to have. I'm not so worried about who I am or what I do. However, the sin of comparison is definitely still in my life. Thinking about it after the talk Blake and I had, I realized how guilty I am of comparison, or envy and jealousy.

I may be secure in my looks and in my personality, but I will find myself comparing myself to others in the classroom. I ask myself why the girl who sits beside me in class got a better grade than me when she barely studied while I spent an entire week studying. I find myself comparing myself to others in the gym. How can he spend 45 minutes running at a steady pace when I have to take a breather every 30 minutes? No matter how much self-confidence you may have, I believe that we all fall victim to comparison and jealousy.

This sin of comparison is killing us.

That's right. Killing us.

We use comparison like a measuring stick. We assess our own worthiness to others' victories and/or failures. We beat ourselves and others down with it.

I recently discovered a way to describe comparison: It's a thug. It robs your joy. But it's more than that. It makes you a thug who beats down somebody--or your own soul.

The thing about measuring sticks is that we use it to rank people as either big or small. Truth is: we aren't sizes. We are souls. We are God-made souls and because of that, we defy measurements from others and from ourselves. There is no bigger soul nor is there a smaller soul. So there is no point in trying to compare ourselves to others or others to ourselves.

When we walk through life with this measuring stick, our eyes get so small that we can no longer see God.

Here's something to remember:

You were created with intention. Those flaws that we see in ourselves? Those little imperfections that we wish to fix? Yeah....they aren't flaws to God.

When we continuously berate ourselves and pick at our flaws and others' flaws, we are missing the opportunity to bring glory to God by lifting others up.

I also read some advice about defeating the sin of comparison:

Whenever you find yourself comparing your flaws to others, go right up to that person and compliment them on the very thing you are jealous of. Tell them congrats on getting an A on the test. Tell them that you love their hair. Tell them that it's awesome with what they do in the gym.

When we turn comparisons into ways to build people up, the devil loses and God wins.

Blake talks in his spoken word ("Just Be Yourself"--click to watch the video!), about how there's a wish to go back to a time when comparisons didn't happen. When innocence was running rampant and we didn't care who owned what or who had the best hair or eyes or clothes or cars.

One of my favorite verses from his spoken word is: "We should celebrate the fact that we're all so uniquely diverse and actually start to converse; so we can learn about each other as well as learn from one another and celebrate our differences."

He hits it right on the mark. We should celebrate our differences.

My battle cry for this week will be the same thing morning, noon and night:

Boys and girls RIVAL each other. Men and women REVIVE each another. 
Boys and girls EMPALE each another. Men and women EMPOWER each other.
Boys and girls COMPARE each other. Men and women CHAMPION each other. 

Let's not be people who compare each other; let's be people who champion each other.

Like Blake says:

"It's your story. It's the life you've been given. So, celebrate every day, enjoy every second your liven'...We need to be happy by being ourselves...to be cool, simply, just be yourself."

[A big thank you to Blake, who sat down with me to help get rid of my writer's block and to talk about life. Go check out his other cool spoken words on his YouTube Channel: AsToldByGingerSnap.]

In His Love.

Friend

Let me start off by saying that this past weekend has been one for the history books. My college won our first game EVER. That's right. Second official season with a football team and we finally win a game in overtime.

This weekend was also the biggest weekend of the year at my school. It was our founder, Martha Berry's birthday and Berry College celebrates it BIG. We have Olympic games between all of the dorms and housings, we have talent shows, sports games, a Grand March up on Mountain Campus, picnics, and a carnival we like to call Marthapalooza. All in all, it was a fantastic weekend. I woke up this morning with no voice and a headache like no other, but it was definitely worth it.

What I wanted to talk about tonight, though, is something that has been on my mind for a while. I haven't found a time when I really wanted to post about it, because other stuff ended up coming before it, but I feel that tonight is as good a time as any.

So, let's talk about friendships.

Yeah, I know it's a strange thing to talk about on a blog, but trust me, it's way more important than you realize.

Being a girl in college, I know that friendships are very important to keep and maintain. These people will most likely by your life long friends--people who will be there for your wedding, your children, everything that happens after college. I feel that I have definitely met some of those people while at Berry.

But I want to talk about what it means to be a Christian and how that plays into your friendships with others.

I have a good number of friends who are either atheist or part of another religion. And I'm completely cool with that. Those people are my friends and I wouldn't trade them for the world. I can talk to them about my problems and they can talk to me about theirs.

The trick is to not spout my beliefs on them every chance I get. I don't want to force people into Christianity. That's not what we're supposed to do. Jesus told us to love one another as we love ourselves. So, that's what I do.

I love on my friends. I support them, encourage them, listen to them, talk to them. I don't spite them for their beliefs. That would just make me a hypocrite and a liar. And I don't want to be either.

My pastor from back in my home town put in a great perspective. We don't have to love the sin, but we do have to love the person. I may not be particularly happy or supportive of my friends' beliefs in atheism or gay rights, but I do love on them and show them Christ's love through my friendship with them.

I'm not saying that all friendships will be easy going, though. I have people who have dropped me as their friend because of my beliefs before. And, yes, it hurts. A lot. But God carries me through the storms.

I've also had Christian friends drop me because of other reasons. Especially this summer, I had a few people who unfriended me on Facebook and Twitter and everything else. These were people whom I considered to be some of my very best friends throughout junior high and high school. It broke me to find out that they didn't want to be friends with me anymore, but obviously, God had reasoning behind it, so I let it happen.

No, I don't know what's going on with these people now. I don't see them and don't talk to them anymore. It hurts sometimes, yes. Somedays I find myself remembering all of the fun times we used to have in high school, and then I would realize that we just grew apart and didn't walk in the same circles anymore.

What I'm trying to say, is that friends will leave you. They will. But, God has a plan for all of us. He puts people in out lives for a reason and He takes them out for a reason. We may never know what that reason my be, but we do know that God's got this under control.

I also want to point out that while we love our friends, we must love our enemies as well. In Matthew, chapter 5, Christ tells us: "But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you."

I have people who I would love to hate. Literally, would love to hate. And sometimes I let myself hate them. But then, I start to thaw out and realize that God would not want me to hate them. And I can't hate them.

I need to show people the love of Christ and to do that, I must love my enemies even when they do not love me.

I have a friend who, recently, I haven't been a good friend to. He and I ended up at odds against one another and the whole thing blew up. I found out he lied about a lot of things and I wasn't a very nice person to him about it. I shouldn't have said certain things to/about him, as I said them in anger, hurt and retaliation. He had told me he was struggling spiritually and I wasn't being thoughtful towards him about that. We aren't talking anymore, and as we used to be very good friends, it hurts me to have him dropped from my life like that.

Christ also tells us in Ephesians 4:26: "In your anger do not sin: do not let the sun go down while you are still angry."

Do not let anger cloud your judgement when in arguments with friends or enemies. Take a deep breath and think about what God would want you to do. Go back to the old school saying: WWJD. (What Would Jesus Do?)

Friendships are important to us as human beings. We are social creatures. We like to interact with others. As humans, we are built for other human contact.

So make friends. Enjoy life. Just remember that "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hat your enemy,' But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you." (Matthew 5:43-44).

In His love.

Imperfect

Life sucks sometimes.

Sorry for those of you who are enjoying your life and believe it's all you could ever imagine. I'm not trying to bring you down or anything. I'm just trying to be completely honest. And to do that, I must say that sometimes, life really does suck.

Being back at school, I thought everything would be great. I would be able to be with my friends again; we would be able to go on crazy, college adventures; I would be at my home away from home. I thought life would be perfect.

That was my first mistake.

Perfection does not exist in our world. Let me repeat that:

PERFECTION DOES NOT EXIST IN OUR WORLD.

This past week has reminded me of that. The first few weeks of school were great. I got reunited with friends; I met new friends; I was happy with how my life was. This week, though has been tough on me. I had my first chemistry exam and I was stressing way too much about it. (Like, stressing to the point where I wasn't sleeping at night.) I also got my nose pierced a week ago and I tried to hide it from my parents. Obviously, that didn't go over well and I didn't speak to them all week, putting more stress and guilt on my shoulders. Then, I received a life-changing message from someone who I believed to be one of my best friends. Basically they told me that our entire friendship was a lie and he/she (not saying who) lied to me and played games on me throughout the entire relationship between us. And that I was the fault that this other person they were "involved with" broke up with them. Safe to say, I was devastated and because I wasn't speaking to my parents, I didn't feel I could go to them with my troubles. So, I let it consume me.

I know I shouldn't let things like that consume me, but I did. I cried myself to sleep the past few nights and let rage and revenge take over my thoughts. I wanted them to hurt like I was hurting.

Stupid. I know.

But everything that happened this week has reminded me that life is not perfect. It is nowhere near perfect. No matter how much we want it to be.

We live in a broken and fallen world. Because of Adam and Eve, we were condemned to a world of hatred, loathing and rage. Satan wants us to give into all of that. He wants us to stumble and fall into his grasp.

However, God wants more for us. So much more. He has put us in this world to spread His Word and to give Him the glory. This is so that when we die, we will go to a perfect life: Heaven. Heaven is very real and very perfect. No sickness and no sadness. A place to rejoice in the Lord always.

We must get through the troubles of this world as well as confessing Christ as Lord, in order to receive the ultimate salvation: an eternity in Heaven with our Lord.

We have the choice: Heaven or Hell. To rise above the troubles or to stumble and let Satan win. If I'm being honest with you, I'd rather Satan not win anything.

This past week has taught me so much in trusting the Lord with the struggles in my life. I just need to hand everything over to Him and let Him handle it. Besides, its His will, not mine that should be done.

So just, remember, even though life may not be perfect, we have a Father in Heaven who is perfect and who sent His son to die for us so that we may live forever in Heaven with Him.

Take a listen to the following songs. These sum up everything I've been feeling and everything that I've learned in the past few days. Most of them brought me to tears as I realized how true they are:

"Perfect People" -Natalie Grant
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFDl-KWu-XQ

"Yahweh" -Chris Tomlin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2tNglkYWGg

"How He Loves" -David Crowder Band (this is my favorite version of the song. Brings me to tears every time.)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCunuL58odQ

"Happy Day" -Fee
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMQt3XlNroQ


Go out. Live your life. Be disciples.

In His love.

Guardian

I know I post a lot about dating and boys and I would apologize for it, but I'm not going to. I feel that in my life and a lot of other girls' lives, boys are a main cause of heartache and drama. And that should so not be the case. 

I'm going to start this post by talking a little bit about myself. 

I'm 19 years old. I'm a sophomore in college. I'm single. I've never had a serious boyfriend. I've never even been kissed. 

Trust me, I've had my fair share of crushes and dates. I have. I just haven't found someone I would like to have a serious relationship with and whoever that will be hasn't found me either. 

Ever since I was old enough to understand boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, I've had a longing in my heart for something like that. I long for someone I can lean on, someone to tell my fears and wishes to, someone to love. And my longing for that isn't wrong. It isn't sinful in any aspect. I've talked about it before, and I will say it again: it is natural for us, as humans, to long for a relationship such as that. We aren't perfect; we want things. God knows this. And it is okay.

(However, this type of longing is different--very different--from a longing such as lust.)

What I really wanted to focus on, though, is the Bible verse, Proverbs 4:23: 

"Above all else, guard your hearts, for everything you do flows from it."

I spent my entire teenage years (from middle school to now) pouring myself into devotionals and self-help books for dating, sex, single-life, etc. They all taught young girls how to be safe when dating, about purity, about kissing, about courting over dating, about abstinence,  about flirting, about everything and anything that had to do with relationships with the opposite sex.

I have always had trouble when it comes to boys that I like. I give too much of myself way too quickly. This mostly is an affect from my longing of a relationship. I have a hard time holding myself back and I definitely have a very hard time being a challenge to get. 

I used to blame all the guys for them not wanting to date me or for me not wanting to date them. Everything was put on them when, in reality, everything should be put on me. It wasn't always the guy's fault that he wasn't right for me. I'm too trusting. I give pieces of my heart out to everybody without a second thought to what could possibly happen. 

Because of this, I end up getting hurt a lot. People take my heart, crumble it up and throw it right back at me. You would think I would learn from it all, right? Well, I haven't. Not yet anyway.

So what does it really mean to "guard your heart"?

I found this article that gave a great description on guarding your heart. I'll let you read part of it:

Examine his intentions and yours — communicate clearly

It’s been said that in every relationship involving a single man and woman there comes a moment when one or both individuals raise the question, “Could we be more than friends?”

How you handle this question may determine if you can even survive as friends. If you’re developing feelings for one of your male friends, begin to look for clues about how he feels for you. Does he treat you differently than other women? Does he talk to you about his interest in other women? What is his history with women? Does he tend to ask women out on dates or is he more shy and reserved? Also, ask a trustworthy friend about her thoughts. Then, pray. At some point you may want to confess your feelings for him, but don’t place your entire heart before him. You may want to suggest your feelings in a guarded way such as, “Sometimes when I’m with you, I can’t help but feel attracted to you, but I really appreciate our friendship and wouldn’t want to jeopardize that. What do you think?” Place the ball in his court.

On the flip side, if you sense he is the one having feelings, be intentional about guarding his heart if you’re not interested in him. Don’t string him along. While the attention, adoration, and compliments are enjoyable, you’re not being fair to him. You may want to try the “clue in” method. Talk about how much his friendship means to you. Talk to him about other men you’re interested in. Don’t make yourself readily available 24/7. You may need to make emotional distance, by scheduling fewer activities or spending less time with him overall.

Set limitations

It’s great to get to know someone new, but avoid making the person the center of your life. You have no idea whether this person is in your life for a short season or the long haul, so know your boundaries. You may want to set limitations on the amount of time and activities you do together. These don’t have to be spoken; they can simply be a conscious decision on your part.

If there isn’t a romantic interest on his part, you may want to consider avoiding too many one-on-one activities. Try to avoid romantic situations that will tug on your heartstrings even more. Watching sunsets over the mountains, staring at the stars under a blanket at night or viewing a movie when all his roommates are gone may feel good at the time, but they may not be the best activities for your heart. Only you can determine what you can handle, but use wisdom! Proverbs 4:6 says, “Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you.”

Remember to guard your mind

Don’t let your mind run free and play the big “what if” game. Don’t begin rearranging your life around a feeling or hunch. Don’t plan the wedding and honeymoon before he’s even asked you on the second date. Keep your thought life balanced. If you find yourself thinking about him too much, turn the thoughts into prayers. Pray for him, and continue to seek God’s best for both of you. Don’t let your heart or mind go much further than his.

Honor your future spouse when weighing actions and behavior

This applies to the physical and emotional realm. When considering how far you should go with a person of the opposite sex emotionally or physically, keep your future spouse in mind. What would dishonor him? What do you want to reserve just for him? In your body, soul and being? This will help you draw lines early and avoid compromise. I Timothy 4: 12 says, “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.”

Remember that your life choices are creating a living testimony. Live a story that you can tell your children without having to edit. You may want to ask a friend to hold you accountable to your actions and decisions.

Be wary of unhealthy relationships

Women often have deep compassion and caring wells. They have an innate ability to nurture others and a desire not just to be loved, but to love. I often fall into the trap of helping the bird with the broken wing. Most of us have experienced it. A bird flies into your glass window and is knocked unconscious. You find it still breathing and take it in your home. You prepare an old cardboard box with rags and linens. You keep it safe and warm and try to feed it until it is well. When you release it back into the wild, seeing it fly away brings joy and pain. Joy, because you’ve accomplished your mission. Pain, because your heart has become involved. Recognize that everyone who comes into your life isn’t your responsibility to help or nurture.

Take some time to reflect on the men that attract you. Are there any unhealthy patterns? Do you fall for controlling, manipulating or unmotivated men? Have you been involved in emotionally or physically abusive relationships? If so, it’s time to break the cycle and begin guarding your heart. Make a conscious decision to pursue healthy relationships.

Look for love in all the right places

Ephesians 3:17-18 says, “And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge — that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” Your true value and identity are found only in God.

(From "A Single Woman's Guide to Guarding Her Heart")

Reading that helped me in focusing on God and God's will for me. I am more willing than ever to guard my heart. 

I mean, perhaps the best way to guard our hearts is to abandon them to Jesus. 

Just remember, God has a bigger and better plan for you than you can ever imagine. So let Him be the one to lead you.

In His love,

Kaitlyn

Believer

(PSA: This post will not be a rant on why you should believe in God. Nor will it be one where I tell you over and over again that your beliefs are wrong.)

Today, my family rented the movie God's Not Dead. Let me just say, while this is a good movie, it is by no means the best. I feel that the movie only focuses on the Christian side of the argument while completely ignoring or overshadowing the atheist's view.

But, I don't want to delve into the details of the movie. Watch it and decide for yourselves.

However, this movie has inspired me to write this post. I want to put something out there:

If you couldn't tell, I'm a Christian.

Shocking. I know.

I believe in an all powerful, all knowing God.

Being a Christian in this world is hard. People want to tear you down. Society wants to tear you down. The Devil wants to tear you down. It's easy to get lost in a world such as this.

Here's the catch.

This God that I believe in...you know, the all powerful, all knowing one? Yeah...He also forgives you for everything that you do. Any sin? It's forgiven. You are washed clean. God sent His son, Jesus Christ to this earth to forgive us from all sins. He sent His ONE and ONLY son to die. For us. (John 3:16)

How amazing is that??

I mean...death has been defeated by Love. His Love.

God wants us to have an everlasting life with Him in heaven. This is why we are forgiven. When we confess our sins and confess that Jesus is Lord, we are saved and we are freed for the pain and aguish of this world. (Romans 10:9)

Now, I'm not going to sit here and claim that I don't sin and that I'm a perfect Christian. I'm not. I fail my Father every day. I'm not faithful to Him like I should be. I cheat and lie and don't listen to His word. I don't necessarily believe in a perfect Christian. Perfection doesn't exist in our world. Perfection is left up to God and His plans for us.

So, that's really all I wanted to say. God is pretty awesome and He does pretty awesome things.

I'm a believer and proud of it.

In His love.

Selfish

I am filled with the Holy Spirit tonight.

Today had been rough. I got up early to take a biology exam, and then was in class until five. I then worked on homework and papers and studied for tests until 8:30, even forgetting to eat dinner because I was so busy.

I was overwhelmed. I was hungry. I just wanted to go to sleep. I was done with the day.

My plan was to eat something real quick and then go to bed.

Well...plans change.

I decided to run down to the food court to grab something to eat and when I got outside, my breath was taken away. I looked up to the sky and found that it was a beautiful, clear night. The stars and moon were out and there wasn't a cloud to be seen.

I didn't think anything of it and continued to the food court to get dinner. There, I grabbed a decaf coffee, a granola bar and a bottle of water. I went back outside to my car and was once again floored at the beauty of the night.

That's when the plans changed.

I got into my car, put my top down and drove up to Mountain Campus. I blasted my Passion CD the way up there (I gave up worldly music for Lent) and tried to find some peace.

Once up there, I pulled into a dark parking lot, grabbed my star gazing pillow and blanket from the trunk and sat in the back of my car. I turned on Oceans by Hillsong and put it on repeat. Then, sat back, drank my coffee and watched the sky.

After about the third time the song head played, I began to feel lighter. Everything seemed to be clearer and I was even able to smile a bit. Warmth radiated throughout my body and I wasn't cold anymore.

By the fifth repeat, I began to cry.

God is immeasurably good to me. I don't know how to put into words how blessed I am by the Father. Recently, I've forgotten to pray to God in my times of trouble and to praise Him in the good times. I have been selfish and underserving of His love. And yet, He loves me still.

While I was sitting under the stars, so many verses and quotes came to mind.

"God is in the midst of her; she should not be moved." (Psalm 46:5)

"Be strong and courageous for the Lord you God goes with you."

"Be patient. God isn't finished with you yet." (Philippians 1:6)

"God will provide." (Philippians 4:19)

One in particular stayed with me while I sat up there:

"God's love is meteoric. His loyalty is astronomic; His purpose titanic; His verdicts oceanic. Yet, in His largeness, nothing gets lost; not a man, not a mouse slips through the cracks." (Psalm 36:10)

That verse is one of my new favorites. It captures everything that I felt tonight. I had been overwhelmed with the world and not concerned at all about my God. But here's the thing. God still loves me. You hear that?

God. Still. Loves. Me.

STILL.

How amazing is that? No matter what happens, God is and always will be there for me. His love is unconditional. I am breathless at the thought.

I can't iterate enough how blessed I am to have this life. God is so, so good to me. And He is so, so good to all of you. Let me leave you with a few sentences that I will tell myself every night.

May you find a moment of peace and quiet tonight to thank God for all that is right in your world. May you have the presence of mind to release your cares and worries to Him. May you have the gritty faith to grab a firmer grip on His promises to you. And may you wake up in the morning knowing that you've gained ground even during your sleeping hours because God is always moving on your behalf. As you entrust your whole self to Him today, He'll get you where you need to go tomorrow. Sleep well tonight.

He is faithful. Always. 

Single and Loved

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! (Or is it "Happy Singles Awareness Day"?) Personally, I prefer "Happy Discounted-Chocolate Eve".

As this day had come closer and closer I began to find that many people are complaining. Either it's the single people complaining about the couples or the the couples complaining about the single people. No matter which way it is, it's pretty annoying. I mean, I will admit that I have complained about being single. (Who hasn't?) I have made fun of the in-love couples around campus and even rolled my eyes at a lot of them.

But, let's get one thing straight. I am in no way anti-Valentine's Day. I'm not. It gets tough being single when this day comes around, but I know in my heart and mind that if I did have someone to spend it with, then I would enjoy the holiday.

In this society, however, this holiday reinforces that feeling of being single and being surrounded by couples. Walking in to a convenience store, I am bombarded with flowers and balloons and cards and candy. All of these come with signs proclaiming how they are the "perfect gift for that special someone". Um, excuse me?

Why does society force the idea of being in a relationship on us? Why am I looked at with pity when I am buying ice cream and chocolates (for a girl's night tonight, by the way)? Why is it so hard for society to realize that some of us are perfectly happy being single?

If you remember from my "Unwanted" post (click on the link to read it), I talk about how it is hard to be single in college. And that still holds true to this day. It's hard to watch couples walk around holding hands or kissing outside the buildings. I have those days when I absolutely loathe being single.

I have friends who are either in a relationship or they have someone they're "talking to". Whenever I'm around these friends, it gets very easy to feel left out or like the third wheel. I become too easily aware of my singleness.

It's during those times that I (stupidly, of course) begin to question God. I ask Him, "Why? Why haven't You placed someone in my life? Why am I the one who is single? Where is my 'Prince Charming'? Is it because I don't dress cute all the time? Maybe I should lose some weight first. Am I not sweet enough? not charming enough? not pretty enough? not funny enough?"

The list of questions and doubts goes on and on. It goes until I am on my knees, crying...cursing at God. "Why am I alone? Why have You left me alone?"

It was only a few days ago when I heard a quiet answer:

"My Daughter, I have never left you alone. I have always been here. However, you were never looking for Me. You...your eyes have been searching for that 'Mr. Right'. You have become blind to My presence. Do you not realize what this life--your life--has been about? Let me show you...."

I look back over my life. I remember reading every fairy tale imaginable. I had always imagined growing up and finding my own Prince Charming. He would sweep me off my feet, carry me off on a white horse and we would live happily ever after. It seemed like the perfect life to grow up in to.

Today, I look back on those fairy tales and realize that I had become too focused on the idea of Prince Charming as the real hero. What I didn't know is that he is just a reflection--an ideal manifestation--of the true Prince.

These stories were never the whole picture. They just pointed me to the ultimate love story; one where a Man gave up His life for mine (and everybody else's) on a cross more than 2000 years ago just to show me (and the world) what true love really is.

Okay, here's the thing. I'm single. I'm 18 years old, never been kissed, never had a real boyfriend and am a freshman in college. And you know what? I'm content in that. I used to think that I wasn't, but really, I am.

The reason for this is because I have the unwavering, unconditional love of my God to sustain me for the rest of my days. Whether God places a man in my life or not, I will be content. It isn't my will to be done, but His.

Today, I have had my Contemporary Christian Pandora station on all hours. During this time, I've heard a few songs that perfectly describe my love for God and His love for me.

"I love you more than the sun

And the stars that I taught how to shine.

You are mine, and you shine for me too.

I love you yesterday and today

And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again

I love you more."

("More" Matthew West)

"At the cross, You beckon me

You draw me gently to my knees

And I am lost for words, so lost in love

I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered"

("Sweetly Broken" Jeremy Riddle)

"Step out on the edge

Don't be afraid of it

And when you feel the rain

Call His name

He'll find you in the hurricane.

"Don't back down from the fight

He'll shelter you tonight

Just hold on for the change

Call His name

He'll find you in the hurricane"

("Hurricane" Natalie Grant)

"I'm the street light thats guide you home

I'll be the GPS when you've lost your phone

I'll be the song that's rockin' in your headphones

I'll show you the signs

To let you know

You'll never be alone."

("You'll Never Be Alone" Capitol Kings)

I am so loved. And the One who loves me? I love Him, too. I know that He will never let me go. I can trust in Him to have my life planned out for me. And, now, I will never doubt Him again.