Saved

Hey you guys. It's been a while, huh? Sorry about that. I've been kind of busy with graduation, moving into a new apartment, and just life as an adult. The past two weeks or so, however, I've had a lot on my plate with working a full time job, trying to balance friendships, relationships, and my family and being caught up with an array of illnesses (a cold, bronchitis, sinusitis, and walking pneumonia). Even with all this going on, I've had a lot on my mind and I would like to get it all out on here if possible. So, just bear with me for a moment.

(An updated selfie for you all)

A few weeks ago, I was talking to my boyfriend after a long day at work and I just broke down, admitting to him that I felt so alone. I explained to him that it felt like I didn't have any friends here and that all I did was stay of the apartment and go to work. I wanted to be able to go out and do things with people like I did while I was at Berry. I was tired of being so alone.

He tried to explain that we were saving money and that all I had to do was contact my friends to hang out with them. (However, I didn't explain to him the complicated relationships I had with many people still here in Auburn.) I shook my head and told him that it's very hard for me to be the first to say something because I don't want to be a bother and I feel like I'm annoying if I do so. He finally talked me into texting some friends from Berry and when they responded, I felt so much relief. All it took was one text, and then, we were connected again.

It's hard for me to go hang out with people especially when our off days don't line up or when I work till 11 every night. However, I do have fun at work with many friends, and I still enjoy keeping up with them via texts or pictures.

The main reason for this post isn't to talk about how I figured out the key to healthy relationships (it's communication if you were wondering)...it's to talk about how many of these people saved me from myself and how they continue to save me every day.

This week is National Suicide Prevention Week.

If you don't know me (which many of you may not), many years ago, while I was in high school, I became depressed and even subjected myself to self-harm on multiple occasions. During that time, there were a couple instances when I even thought that my life didn't matter and that killing myself would be the only way to end my pain.

(If you want to read more of my story, see it here: "Broken and Healed")

Suicide is a very touchy subject with me; however, I am more than willing to share my story and offer help to others. (By touchy, I mean I don't like to joke about it or hear others joke about it.)

I used to think that nobody cared about me...that no one cared if I was hurting myself on purpose or that I wasn't acting like myself. It took a lot of people to put their hands on me to convince me that I was worth it. It still takes a village to remind me that I matter every day. Here's a few of those people:

(My actual fam)

(my Chick-fil-a fam)

This doesn't even amass to my entire village. This probably only covers 5% of it. These people are my stronghold. Every day that I feel like I'm about to fall back into that hole, they are the ones who lift me out of it. My village expands from Auburn, AL to Rome, GA, from California to Washington D.C., and from Haiti to Africa. My village covers the world. And I am so thankful for them every day.

When I was placed on bed rest from contracting walking pneumonia and three other viruses, these people were the first ones to text, to call and to give hugs, making sure I was okay and taken care of. No matter how stubborn I was, they were the ones to drag me to Urgent Care, to supply me with soup and to send me home from work when I'm dead on my feet. 

I can't imagine a greater village to be a part of. 

Even after seven years, I still have 'dark' thoughts. It's a mental illness. I can't really stop it. I don't blame myself for them and I don't blame anyone else. The one thing I do tell myself, though, is that my village is always here for me. No matter what. 

And YOUR village is here for you too. Take a moment and look around. You have SO MANY people who care about and for you. I care about you. Please don't ever think that suicide is an option for you. You are on this earth for a reason. We all love you. At the end of this post, I am going to post numbers and websites that you can use if you are in that dark place and it seems like there is no way out.

First, I am going to share a song with you. This song is fairly new and it honestly means so much to me. And I hope it can share hope and life with you as well. 

Second, I want to thank my village for everything they've done for me. You may not realize you played a part, but you did and I will be forever grateful. I love you all so much. 

And finally, feel free to message me if you need to talk or vent about life. I may not know you and I don't have to. Sometimes all we need is someone to listen to us and not judge. And trust me, I'm far from judging anyone for anything. 

I love you all.

In His Name

Kaitlyn

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

TWLOHA: https://twloha.com

Free

Take a look at me.

I'm 20 years young, a junior in college, a photographer, a painter, a writer, et cetera, et cetera.

Now...really take a look at me....

Scars line my body. From the top of my head to the very tips of my toes, I have a spattering of scars. They are all over my arms, my chest, my waist, my legs....

Since I was in middle school, I have suffered from a disorder called dermatillomania (or, better known as chronic skin picking).

This disorder has disrupted my life in many ways.

It started as my head peeling from a recent sunburn. I started to pick at it, forming scabs that, fortunately, were hidden by my thick hair.

This led to me developing a staph infection throughout my body. The staph soon went away (after some antibiotics) but my skin picking didn't stop. Basically, I was picking at acne, dry skin, fingernails, you name it.

For years and years I attempted to stop. Trust me. I tried everything. I tried ointments to get rid of scabs; I took antibiotics; I used face wash after face wash to get rid of acne. However, because this is an OCD disorder, medicine for the scabs and acne and everything else didn't and wouldn't ever fix anything. In order to heal, I should've worked to control my stress, anxiety, and negative emotions. (I did not know this at the time.

Over the years, it just became something that I did to cope. Even when I wasn't upset, I would start picking at whatever was on my body. I did it absentmindedly. It even got to the point where I was highly embarrassed of the scarring that was on my body. I couldn't control it.

The fact that I have an obsessive compulsive disorder that I have absolutely no control over is ironic but hardly poetic.

This disorder wrecked my emotionally and physically. I now have scars all over my body. I may not be self-conscious about them anymore, but they will always be a part of me. Emotionally, it took a lot to accept this as what was happening to me. I didn't want to admit to it. I just chose to ignore it. No matter the number of scars or the amount of comments I got, I just ignored it.

But, the reason I wanted to talk to you guys about this is because I wanted to officially share the big news I received about two weeks ago.

For the first time in about 8 years, I do not have an open wound on my body. I have not picked at anything on my body in almost 3 weeks. I'm on the road to healing.

I am FREE of this burden.

Now, I know this could come back, but I've also learned how to better control my stress and my emotions. I've worked hard to get to where I am now and I'm going to continue to work hard to keep this up.

I'm spending more time in my bible and even bought a new journalling bible to be able to keep track of my thoughts. God has really shown me a lot these past few weeks and this past summer as well.

I am free. I am free. I. Am. FREE. 

In His love.

Burdened

Well...it's finally here. The end of my sophomore year. My college career is half over.

It honestly doesn't feel real to me. I feel like I should still be coloring pictures for homework and drink out of tiny juice boxes.

I have one more week of final exams and then I get to return home for the summer. I cannot wait to be back in a nice, soft bed with a home-cooked meal and actual water pressure in my shower. I will get to return to my old job as well as getting to return to my friends in Auburn.

Like I said, I cannot wait.

So, why is it that I'm sitting here underneath the stars, sobbing uncontrollably because I have to leave in a week? 

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I've been struggling a lot with some things in my life and it wasn't until recently that I've realized that I let them slowly control my life and everything in it.

I've let these things consume me until it was all I thought and worried and stressed over.

Boys.

School.

Friends.

Family.

Money.

Jobs.

Those are just a few of the many things that have been swirling around in my head recently. Notice how I didn't mention God or my Bible or my faith. Yeah, I've been failing at that recently. I haven't been giving Him the time He needs from me on a day to day basis.

Instead, I've allowed drama to seep into my life and start to take over. Boy drama, friend drama, family drama; it's all there. And I am so, so ashamed of that.

I told myself that I wanted this semester to be drama free and that I would take a step back from everything and anything to do with drama. I guess that was a stupid promise to make on my part, because naturally, drama finds me (or I find it).

I guess part of it is because I don't have the courage to tell people how I really feel. I let it sit in me until eventually I burst and it al comes out in one heap. (And that is sooo not the way to tell people how you feel about them.)

I hate confrontation, so anything that has to do with me owning up to stuff in front of people is a no-no. This is why I told the guy I was crushing on that I liked him via text message. And why I refused to look my friend in the eye when I told her how upset I was with her for dumping me for other, "cooler" people. And also why I struggled with telling my mom how left out I felt in the family now that I don't live at home anymore and was missing everything that went on.

Today, I felt overwhelmed. So, naturally, I went on a midnight drive to do some stargazing and some deep thinking.

And here we are. With me still sobbing and you most likely thinking I'm a crazy person. (I'm not. I promise. I'm just emotional.)

Crying has helped relieve some stress from finals and everything. It has also helped me finally and clearly see the problems that have been in my life recently. Just a little while ago as I began to type this up, one of my favorite songs (Love Ran Red--Chris Tomlin) came on the radio and I just had to turn it all the way up and belt the song from the top of my lungs.

And when the song ended, I heard God speak to me. I closed my eyes and listened to Him whisper in my ear:

"Kaitlyn, my beautiful daughter, lean on Me. I am here for you. I will never forsake you. Let go of all these burdens and give them to Me. I will take them from you and put them on my back. Let Me carry these for you. Just hand them to Me.

"Remember, my love, that you are a beautiful creation of Mine. I wove you together from dust. You are perfectly imperfect in every single way and that is why I love you so. You are My daughter--My wonderful, beautiful, magnificent daughter--My Princess.

"My plan for you is so great. Don't ever forget that. I know you may want to lead your own life and I understand, but, my darling, let My will be done. I love you."

My God is so amazing. After tonight, I feel that I can make it through anything. With Him by my side every step of the way I know I can do anything I put my mind to. I'm thankful and so very blessed for a God such as this.

In His love.

Sinner

I want to be honest with you guys for a few minutes. I feel that I owe you all that much.

I, Kaitlyn, am a full blown sinner.

Yeah, I admit it. I'm a sinner.

I curse. I'm ashamed to say this, but I do. (Especially while driving and when somebody cuts me off or like to tailgate me). I'm not proud of it and I work hard not to and to exchange those words for something else, but sometimes, it slips and I can't do anything but apologize for it.

I get jealous. Boy, do I get jealous. I'm a girl, so I find myself wishing for a slimmer body, manageable hair, whiter teeth, etc. I want to look like those girls on the covers of magazines.

I'm prideful. I would love to say that I'm not and that I'm as humble as I can be, but that would be lying and I can't do that.

I'm greedy. I want things or myself and don't wish to share them with others.

I'm a glutton. I love food. (People who know me, know how much I love food.) And I understand the horrors of waste of food, but there are times when I'd rather feed myself than the poor and hungry.

I am sometimes a sloth. There are moments when I just want to reject the grace God has given to me.

I experience moments of wrath. I'm a naturally emotional person. I can get angry very easily and very quickly if the wrong thing is said to me or about me.

And last, but not least, I'm lustful. That may be a strange thing for a girl to admit, but we can't deny it. I may not lust after men for sex, but I do lust after relationships and for love.

You see, just like everyone else, I sin. Every week. Every day.

But, here's the thing: even though I sin, I'm forgiven by the grace of my God.

Easter is coming up this Sunday.

Holy week is something of a big deal for me in my journey with Christ. I spend the week doing devotionals and reading my Bible. I tend to listen to only worship and praise and work on focusing my free time, praying and journaling. I watch and re-watch Passion of the Christ and start posting bible verse all over my room.

Easter is the time to celebrate God's grace. He clothed Himself in flesh and came down to this earth all to be put on a cross to die for our sins. We are cleansed from our mistakes and are forgiven for our sins.

His grace means that all of our mistakes now serve a purpose instead of serving shame.

I get chills every time I think about that.

This past week, I went through a mid-college crisis and broke down one night. I cried and cried and couldn't stop. I wanted life to stop. I felt like I couldn't handle it anymore. It even came to the point where I almost picked up a knife. But I didn't.

I immediately texted a few friends about it and within ten minutes, I had people in my room, holding my hands, hugging me and making sure I was okay and sane enough to make it through the night. They dropped everything and came to me when I was in need.

I am so blessed by those relationships. The fact that they would put down whatever they were doing doing just to check on me and make sure I was safe means the world to me. Even though I sin and make mistake after mistake, they still care for me day after day.

(So thank you to those people--my people--who came to me that night. Thank you.)

So as Easter comes around the corner, let's remember a few things:

1. God loves us despite the fact that we fail Him everyday. He shows us this through His never ending grace. He sent His son to die for us. If that isn't everlasting and merciful love, I don't know what is.

2. God can transform a sin-stained soul into a masterpiece of grace. We are washed clean by His sacrifice and we are forgiven through His love. There is no greater thing in the word than this.

3. God loves us even in our darkest times (Romans 5:8).

4. Our sins are paid in full. Every day. Every hour. Every minute. We don't have to worry about our debt because Jesus paid it for us.

5. And most of all, death has been defeated by love.

Let me repeat that...

Death has been DEFEATED by love.

The darkness of the world...the worst thing that humans can experience has been vanquished and slain by God's everlasting love for us.

How amazing is that??

In His amazing, everlasting love.

Needy and Free

Yes, you read that right.

I, Kaitlyn, am needy.

I am so needy, actually, that's it's quite embarrassing to some people.

But, you see, the things that I'm needy for, aren't the things that other people are needy for.

What I'm needy for is:

Friendship.

Quiet time.

My Bible.

Family.

Life.

And most importantly, I'm needy for God.

Yep. God. I find myself in constant need of Him in my life. I cannot go a day without Him. He is my rock and my refuge.

See, some people believe that they do not need God to live their lives. They believe that if they have a great career, a good home, a fantastic family, then there in no need for a higher power in their individual lives. But, without God, they lack something vitally important.

The something is a desire for a purpose for life or a lasting significance.

Without God, there is no purpose for life whatsoever. Which basically means that we are accidents in this world.

But we're not. We are not accidents. We were designed. And since we were designed, we now have purpose for living.

To find your purpose in life is quite difficult sometimes. Trust me. There are days when I go around wondering what I am doing with my life. And then there are days in which I know exactly what I am doing, where I am going and who I am.

There are days when I just want to stay in bed because I feel like there's no point in taking on the day. And then there are days when I jump out of bed with a smile on my face, ready to get things done.

But there is one thing that stays the same: my purpose for God.

You see, we were put on this earth to serve Him. He created us. He sent His one and only Son to die for us. He deserves something in return. He deserves our praise and our devotion to Him.

My purpose for God is to go out and spread His word. I am called to make disciples in His name. Jesus called all of us to make disciples. In Matthew 28:19 He says: "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit".

That is my purpose in life.

To serve God and by doing so, bringing others to Him.

That is why I need God. I need Him because without Him, I would not have a purpose in my life. I would be without desire to live. I wouldn't want to be on this world without Him.

Today at church, this whole idea of needing God in my life was brought home by one song. Matt Maher's "Lord, I Need You". (Great title, huh?)

Click here to listen to the song. One verse particularly sticks out to me:

"And where You are, Lord I am free
Holiness, is Christ in me."

Those two lines are everything to me. Everything.

I am free in Christ. I am holy because Christ is in me. I am not chained down by my sins or my transgressions. No matter what I go through in life, I have Christ and Christ lives in me.

I AM FREE BECAUSE OF CHRIST.

I am going to shout it from the rooftops.

I. AM. FREE. BECAUSE. CHRIST. DIED. FOR. ME.

And you! You are free because Christ died for you!

Basically, that's what this life is all about. We live because He died.

So....LIVE.

In His love.