Burdened

Well...it's finally here. The end of my sophomore year. My college career is half over.

It honestly doesn't feel real to me. I feel like I should still be coloring pictures for homework and drink out of tiny juice boxes.

I have one more week of final exams and then I get to return home for the summer. I cannot wait to be back in a nice, soft bed with a home-cooked meal and actual water pressure in my shower. I will get to return to my old job as well as getting to return to my friends in Auburn.

Like I said, I cannot wait.

So, why is it that I'm sitting here underneath the stars, sobbing uncontrollably because I have to leave in a week? 

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I've been struggling a lot with some things in my life and it wasn't until recently that I've realized that I let them slowly control my life and everything in it.

I've let these things consume me until it was all I thought and worried and stressed over.

Boys.

School.

Friends.

Family.

Money.

Jobs.

Those are just a few of the many things that have been swirling around in my head recently. Notice how I didn't mention God or my Bible or my faith. Yeah, I've been failing at that recently. I haven't been giving Him the time He needs from me on a day to day basis.

Instead, I've allowed drama to seep into my life and start to take over. Boy drama, friend drama, family drama; it's all there. And I am so, so ashamed of that.

I told myself that I wanted this semester to be drama free and that I would take a step back from everything and anything to do with drama. I guess that was a stupid promise to make on my part, because naturally, drama finds me (or I find it).

I guess part of it is because I don't have the courage to tell people how I really feel. I let it sit in me until eventually I burst and it al comes out in one heap. (And that is sooo not the way to tell people how you feel about them.)

I hate confrontation, so anything that has to do with me owning up to stuff in front of people is a no-no. This is why I told the guy I was crushing on that I liked him via text message. And why I refused to look my friend in the eye when I told her how upset I was with her for dumping me for other, "cooler" people. And also why I struggled with telling my mom how left out I felt in the family now that I don't live at home anymore and was missing everything that went on.

Today, I felt overwhelmed. So, naturally, I went on a midnight drive to do some stargazing and some deep thinking.

And here we are. With me still sobbing and you most likely thinking I'm a crazy person. (I'm not. I promise. I'm just emotional.)

Crying has helped relieve some stress from finals and everything. It has also helped me finally and clearly see the problems that have been in my life recently. Just a little while ago as I began to type this up, one of my favorite songs (Love Ran Red--Chris Tomlin) came on the radio and I just had to turn it all the way up and belt the song from the top of my lungs.

And when the song ended, I heard God speak to me. I closed my eyes and listened to Him whisper in my ear:

"Kaitlyn, my beautiful daughter, lean on Me. I am here for you. I will never forsake you. Let go of all these burdens and give them to Me. I will take them from you and put them on my back. Let Me carry these for you. Just hand them to Me.

"Remember, my love, that you are a beautiful creation of Mine. I wove you together from dust. You are perfectly imperfect in every single way and that is why I love you so. You are My daughter--My wonderful, beautiful, magnificent daughter--My Princess.

"My plan for you is so great. Don't ever forget that. I know you may want to lead your own life and I understand, but, my darling, let My will be done. I love you."

My God is so amazing. After tonight, I feel that I can make it through anything. With Him by my side every step of the way I know I can do anything I put my mind to. I'm thankful and so very blessed for a God such as this.

In His love.

Depressed

Now, before any of you go freaking out...no. I am not depressed. I am not suffering through depression. I am perfectly happy with my current life and want to keep on living it.

I just wanted to take a few minutes to discuss depression with you guys. The news about comedian Robin Williams is all over media and I felt it fitting to talk about what depression is and what it does to people around us.

I want to point our, first of all, the depression is not a sin. It isn't. Nor is it a choice. It isn't a character defect, a spiritual disorder, or an emotional dysfunction. Depression is a mental illness that should be taken very seriously. Viewing depression as a sin in and of itself ultimately prevents individuals from seeking treatment.

We are all human. We are of flesh. So, it is natural for us to feel upset and to feel sad. We cannot all be happy all the time.

I'm beyond willing to admit to you guys that I used to be depressed. Now, I never went to a doctor and was never given prescription medicines to combat my depression. However, I diagnosed myself.

You guys know my story. It was in high school that I began to stray from God and everything I used to know. I didn't want to go out anymore. I didn't want to hang out with my friends. I didn't want to go to church. I didn't want to attend youth group or any social gathering for that matter. I just wanted to stay in bed and be antisocial.

I wasn't happy anymore. Yeah, I would smile in front of others, but it was a fake smile. I was lying through my smiles and forced laughs. And the thing is that, I thought that nobody was paying attention. That they didn't care enough to be able to tell that everything I was saying was a lie.

That just caused me to sink further into myself and into that dark hole. Dark thoughts clouded my head every day.

If people don't care, why should I?

Why does everything hurt so much?

People wouldn't care if I was gone, right?

I want this pain to end.

What if I ended it?

What if I ended me?

Yes, it did get that far. I began to self-harm. I had suicidal thoughts weekly. I was not well.

Luckily, I was able to get help. From family. From friends. From people who loved and cared for me.

And here I am today. Alive and healthy. I still have scars lining my arms, but they tell my story. I am not ashamed of them because I defeated death and depression. I won.

Please understand though, I still have some thoughts like that. They aren't often, but I do have them. When I get upset to the point of where I don't think I can handle life anymore, I begin to wonder about slipping into my old ways. But I don't. I start to pray and have God take everything from me.

So, yes. I am a Christian and I had depression. There are some people who believe that Christians can't have depression. Just because we have an amazing God, doesn't mean that we don't get upset at times. Like I said before, depression isn't a choice. It's a serious mental illness.

"Often, we ignore the fact that our spiritual condition and psychological state of mind are highly affected by what is happening to us physically. Sometimes depression is simply the result of exhaustion. In 1 Kings 19, we read how the prophet Elijah, worn out from his struggles to defeat Jezebel and her prophets of the pagan deity Baal, is so depressed that he cries out to God to end his life. In response, God tells Elijah to eat a good meal and go to bed, and that he will feel differently in the morning. For those of us who are depressed because we’re not getting enough sleep (and most Americans don’t), it is a great comfort that we can take our burdens to Christ, and He will give us rest.

Diet and exercise also figure into our emotional and spiritual conditions. The Bible tells us that the body is “the temple of God” (1 Corinthians 6:19), and it is sad how badly most of us treat our bodies. How many of us would feel more spiritually alive and joyful if only we exercised and stopped dumping junk food into God’s temple? Big doses of chocolate bars can put us on a high, but we'll experience a spiritual and psychological downtime a short time later.

Depression can also be brought on by chemical imbalances in the body. A person’s DNA can trigger chemical reactions that put him or her into an intensive funk. For women, the bodily changes that accompany menopause can bring on extreme depression. With prayer, “all things are possible,” but escaping from depression that is due to a chemical imbalance in the body through prayer alone is not probable. Those who try to dissuade religious people from getting medical help for clinical depression, claiming that faith alone is the cure, can do devastating harm. In many cases, a severe depression that lasts more than a few days is bio-physically based and requires medical treatment. This is certainly true for any who suffer from a bipolar condition. A psychiatrist is trained to diagnose both medical and mental causes of depression. To seek such treatment does not denote a lack of faith, but rather evidence of a willingness to take advantage of what God has made available to us through modern science."


     [[Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Health/Emotional-Health/Christians-Take-Depression-Seriously.aspx?p=2#6QJV448hLcdaxBOG.99]]

I also just wanted to say please don't joke around about depression. You don't know who's suffering through it at this present moment. I personally take offense when people joke about going to kill themselves or say (kind of snottily) that my band aids make it look like I cut myself. 

Just be mindful of what you say to others. It can really hurt even if you don't mean it to. 

Also, if you are feeling anything like I've been describing, please go talk to someone. It can be a parent, friend, doctor, relative, anybody. Don't let yourself get to that low point where you are self harming for release. There are hotlines and websites to help out with anything and everything. Don't be scared to reach out.

For now, that's all I have to say. If anybody needs someone to talk to, I am always available. Text me. Call me. Stop by my house. Write me a letter. Shoot me an email. I'm always willing to talk.

Stay cool. Radiate positive vibes.

Kaitlyn

Broken and Healed

Hey friends.

I know that it's been a while since I've posted and I apologize. I've been busy. It is summer, after all. (That's not really an excuse, but I'm going to use it anyways.)

Before I get into what I want to talk about today, I wanted to update you guys with what's going on in my life. First things first, I got a promotion at work so you are now looking at a new assistant manager (WOOO!). I also got to move out of my parents' home into another house because we had friends from my church need a house sitter for two months. It's been great. I'm living with a good friend of mine and it's honestly been nice to not live with my parents this summer.

Other than those two things, though, nothing much has changed. I'm still a college student; I still work on my photography and writing books. However, because of working full time, I can't find much time to do things.

But, don't fret. I was able to get next week off to go on a road trip with my best friend for my birthday week. I am beyond excited. We are heading up to the mountains of North Carolina and then headed to the coastline. It will be good to get out of this city and to explore the country a bit. I'm so ready for it, that I've already packed up all of my stuff! Haha.

Anyway, the reason I am writing this post today is because I wanted to talk about something that's been on my mind for a few weeks. It will get a bit personal, but I feel like God is asking me to share this with you guys.

First off, I wanted to talk a bit about my testimony. Some of you may know what happened to me a few years ago and some of you may not. For those who do not know, let me give you a shortened version. (If we ever meet in person, I'd love to tell you the entire story.)


When I entered high school, I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to keep my faith. I had so many people spread rumors about me and ridicule me for my beliefs. I began to stray away from God because of all of it. I started to hang out with the wrong crowd and became more and more distraught and distant from everybody who used to hang out with me. 

I didn't want to believe there was a God. I began to curse and to rebel against everything I used to believe in. (No, I did not start drinking or smoking. I still didn't like people who did that.) Don't get me wrong. I was pressured into drinking and smoking. The people I hung out with were the ones who partied every weekend and who used sex as a means out of their troubles. I may not have been into this, but there were times when I seriously considered it. 

It was in tenth grade that everything came to a screeching halt. I argued with my parents all the time and there was morning when it got so bad that I told my mother that I hated her. It was that morning that I began to cut myself to feel relief from the pain I was in. It was that morning that my life just felt like it was going down the drain.


Now, obviously, I'm still here today. I am alive and healthy. I don't cut or harm myself anymore. I've healed from that even though I still have scars lining my body. I was never sent to a doctor and was never medically claimed depressed. I diagnosed myself. It wasn't until the summer after tenth grade that I began to work towards my healing.

The reason I want to talk about this is because it has been three years since this has happened. It has been three years since I last placed a knife to my skin. It has been three years since I last thought I wasn't worth anything. It has been three years since I last wanted to end my life. It has been three years since I was reborn in my Savior's arms.

I'm not telling you guys this because I want you guys to feel sorry for me or to make it seem like I've gotten it all together since then. I still stumble. There are times when I get so frustrated or so upset with my life that I want to go back to my old ways. But, I don't. I take a deep breath and go spend time with my Creator instead.

I now realize that I can end the pain with healthier options. I don't have to resort to self-harm to get through something that is difficult in my life.

When you see/meet me, you will notice the scars. They are etched into my skin. They are noticeable. They are there and I am aware of it. Yes, it is hard sometimes to tell the story of my few months spent in a dark abyss called depression. Especially to people I've know for years and years. I've gotten better at it, but it's still hard. However, I trust that the Lord will provide me with the words I need.

With my "dark" past, I used to think that people were a little intimidated by me. I used to think that because I had these scars, other people wouldn't know what to do with me. I was terrified to think that people wouldn't want to try to understand what happened to me. I know that some people are just scared to deal with others who have done the things I have.

Things are quite different, actually. In the past year, after going to college, I have found so many people that support me. They have listened to my story and still love me for who I am. They don't shy away at mention of my scars and are always there for me when I need a shoulder to lean on. They love me for who I am. I am so blessed by them.

I also want to reach out a hand to anybody who feels like they have been dealing with what I dealt with. You are not alone. You are loved. You are amazing. Don't let anybody tell you anything different. Be you and know that there are people out there who love you for you. I want to leave you guys with a letter. I have this letter framed for my dorm room at school and always look back on it in times of struggle. Feel free to do the same.




Dear Sons and Daughters,

I want to remind you today that you are beautiful.  As you know there is a father of lies who will try to deceive you.  He will tell you that you aren’t attractive enough, good enough or smart enough.  He will tempt you to doubt Me and then, after you do, he will accuse you of being a failure. He will also tell you that you have broken too many promises, lived one too many lies, and fallen one too many times.  He will try to discourage you and tell you you’ve been going in the wrong direction and that it is pointless to turn  back now. “You,” he hisses, “Are unimportant to God.”
Guess what?  You do not belong to him. He is not your father.  I AM.  I am your King.  You are born of my thought! Every part of you I carefully put together by My hands.  You have my thumbprint on your life. You are my workmanship! You are My creation! You are my joy! My very own sons and daughters!

You not loved because you are precious.  You are precious because you are loved…by Me your KING!  There is nothing that can separate you from my love.  There is no ocean too deep. There is no mountain too high.  Yes, sin did change my perfect creation. Yes, you live in a broken, fallen world.  Every human being is born in sin because of Adam and Eve’s disobedience.  However, I could not turn my back on them.  I will not turn my back on you.  I robed myself in flesh and came to earth to pay for you with my own blood.  I am your redeemer and you are covered with My grace.  I have done everything  there is to do and given all there is to give–for you!  Your life is precious because I created it and redeemed it!  My love for you is everlasting, unfailing and eternal.

The father of lies may whisper in your ear; “Did God really say…?” He ignites flames of doubts.  But I am unchangeable.  My Word is truth.  I desire to spend time with you, every moment of every day.  My love for you never grows cold.  My promises are never broken.  My character never changes.  You, my child, have been made in my image.  You are beautiful.  You have purpose.  You have destiny. You have hope in every situation, because of Me.
I love you unconditionally, dearly and completely.  I know your emotions.  I see your tears.  I see your thoughts.  When you don’t know what to pray, My Spirit prays for you with words deeper than any sigh. I know all about you.  I know your secrets, fears, weaknesses and failures.  None of this changes my love for you.  My faithfulness is eternal.  Learn of Me! Believe Me! Trust Me! Find order in the midst of your chaos with Me.  Begin each day with me. Calm your nights with Me.  Entrust your heart to Me, I hold it close to my own.

Forever & faithfully yours,

Your Heavenly Father/Your King




If you ever want to ask more about my story, feel free to ask me. I can explain more about my depression and what was happening in my head. All you have to do is ask.

And remember: YOU are loved by the Creator of the earth, by the One who placed the stars in the sky, by the King of kings.

Love and be loved.

My testimony on YouTube.

#firstworldproblem

Hello, again.

I apologize for not posting in a while. It got really busy last semester and then Christmas break came around. Really, all I wanted to do is spend it with my family. I don't feel guilty about not posting though. I think I needed a break to gather my thoughts and to really think about what I wanted this blog to do with the people around me. However, I am back and I am very excited to continue sharing the thoughts that God has put in my head.

Just a few days ago, I sat down with one of my best friends here at college. We grabbed a coffee and were trying to catch up since we hadn't seen each other in a few weeks. What was going to be maybe a 30 minute conversation turned into almost a few hours. I bet you're wondering how that could happen. Well, it isn't because we're girls.

The conversation that started with stories of being home and crazy Christmas tales turned into a discussion about a topic that we are both very passionate about: missions.

You see, my friend has traveled to Haiti a couple of times as she was in high school. And, as you guys know, I've been to Uganda. We've had conversations about missions before, but this one in particular was very special and close to my heart.

Do you guys remember the first world problems hashtag and meme from a few years ago? Maybe this will help out a bit:

Does that seem familiar now? How about the Skeptical Third World Kid meme? 

We use the First World Problem hashtag as a way to complain about our country. We just slap it on the end of a tweet and we believe that we are being funny. And I'll be the first to admit that I have used this hashtag. Maybe not on tweets, but I have definitely said it whether it be referring to having to walk to class or referring to the fact that my dining hall doesn't have anything good to eat for dinner. 

And you know what?

I am so ashamed of this hashtag. So ashamed. 

This seems so cliche, but we shouldn't be complaining for this life that we live. Complaining about the water and food we have easy access to doesn't do us any good. We come off as petty and conceited. As if the United States doesn't already seem that way to others, we have to add this complaint to push it even farther. 

You see, my friend and I were sharing stories about being in Haiti and Uganda. Specifically, we were discussing how awful we as first world people seem to third world societies. I remember telling my friend a couple of specific stories about Uganda when I was so ridden with guilt and shame of my country.

In Uganda, the people there have to travel to a well in order to get water for their homes. This "well" could be only a few yards from their house or it could be well over 3 miles (there and back). While visiting a school there, we got to experience the journey (about half a mile give or take a bit) to the well. The terrain was rough; roots and rocks stuck up everywhere. It was easy to trip and fall. (At the time, I had on a knee brace from a dislocation earlier in the summer, so it was a more difficult trek for me.) I remember our youth leader having the opportunity to help a man put containers of water on his bike. As they walked together, the man asked our leader how far we had to walk to get our water for our homes. 

I don't know if any of you understand, but it was probably one of the most difficult things to tell this man that we only have to walk a few feet in our homes and water is instantly available. This caused me to think about all of the times I had complained about not having hot water for a shower, about how the filter hadn't been changed in our fridge, and about when the water pressure was to low for my "standards". So much shame weighed upon me in that moment. 

Then there was another time when a little girl asked how we got to school (i.e. how far we had to walk). That was another difficult conversation. We had to explain to this little girl (who was maybe 6-8 years old) that we each had our own car that we drove to school in the morning and it only took us about five minutes to get there. 

Those children walk miles upon miles to get an education. Some of them even walking five miles there and five miles back to there homes. And not all of them get to attend. Only a select few. 

How many times have I taken my car for granted? Answer: too many to count. 

I don't want to use the cliche and say that we need to understand that others have it worse than we do. And I don't want to blame anybody or try and make anybody feel guilty. We just need to recognize who remarkably blessed we are with our lives. We are so blessed that our complaints sound petty compared to the threatening challenges of clean water, accessible food sources and devastating medical challenges faced by the Third World populations. 

Even Christianity has its own First World Problems. We can see these in 2 Timothy 2. In this chapter, Paul repeatedly tells Timothy not to get involved in foolish or petty arguments. He tells Timothy to remind people to stop fighting over words. Today, it's easy to spot Believers when they get sidetracked by the Christian equivalent of First World Problems. 

Feel free to insert your choice of words here:

• The music at church is too…(loud, quiet, traditional, contemporary, inauthentic, unprofessional).

• The preacher at my church preaches…(too long, too short, too deep, too shallow, without enough meat, without enough application, without enough stories, with too many stories).

• I could never share the gospel with them they…(would be offended, might think I’m weird, would never believe that really matters to me, would hold me to a higher standard).

• I’m switching churches because my kids…(don’t connect here, like the program over there, need more personal attention, need a larger group with more activities).

• I’m thinking about going somewhere else because my church changed…(locations, Sunday School, Small Groups, Sunday night services, visitation, the free coffee they serve on Sunday morning).

If we are being completely honest here, none of the ideas or thoughts above are wicked or sinful. We're human, we are going to have these thoughts. However, we, as followers of Christ, have a responsibility to carefully consider the group of people God intends for us to grow with. We need to be accountable with them and partner with them in ministry. We need to be committed to making sure that our practice of faith and the principles of Scripture closely align. 

With that being said, there are those comfortable problems that are debated by those that are privileged. And by privileged, I mean to say that they have the time, energy and resources to argue about one preference over another. 

These problems can lead to broke relationships, declining influence of the church and the breakage of the strength of the body of Christ. 

2 Timothy 2:10 says, "So I am willing to endure anything if it will bring salvation and eternal glory in Christ Jesus to those God has chosen."

Let's just remember how blessed we are to have the life that God has given us. There is no sense in comparing us to others. For some of them believe, too, they are blessed with the life that God has given them. 

The First World Problem hashtag/meme will always be dislike by me. However, the usage of it does remind me of how blessed I am to be living this life. I just need to remember to thank my Father every day for the opportunities I have been given and not to take anything for granted.