Saved

Hey you guys. It's been a while, huh? Sorry about that. I've been kind of busy with graduation, moving into a new apartment, and just life as an adult. The past two weeks or so, however, I've had a lot on my plate with working a full time job, trying to balance friendships, relationships, and my family and being caught up with an array of illnesses (a cold, bronchitis, sinusitis, and walking pneumonia). Even with all this going on, I've had a lot on my mind and I would like to get it all out on here if possible. So, just bear with me for a moment.

(An updated selfie for you all)

A few weeks ago, I was talking to my boyfriend after a long day at work and I just broke down, admitting to him that I felt so alone. I explained to him that it felt like I didn't have any friends here and that all I did was stay of the apartment and go to work. I wanted to be able to go out and do things with people like I did while I was at Berry. I was tired of being so alone.

He tried to explain that we were saving money and that all I had to do was contact my friends to hang out with them. (However, I didn't explain to him the complicated relationships I had with many people still here in Auburn.) I shook my head and told him that it's very hard for me to be the first to say something because I don't want to be a bother and I feel like I'm annoying if I do so. He finally talked me into texting some friends from Berry and when they responded, I felt so much relief. All it took was one text, and then, we were connected again.

It's hard for me to go hang out with people especially when our off days don't line up or when I work till 11 every night. However, I do have fun at work with many friends, and I still enjoy keeping up with them via texts or pictures.

The main reason for this post isn't to talk about how I figured out the key to healthy relationships (it's communication if you were wondering)...it's to talk about how many of these people saved me from myself and how they continue to save me every day.

This week is National Suicide Prevention Week.

If you don't know me (which many of you may not), many years ago, while I was in high school, I became depressed and even subjected myself to self-harm on multiple occasions. During that time, there were a couple instances when I even thought that my life didn't matter and that killing myself would be the only way to end my pain.

(If you want to read more of my story, see it here: "Broken and Healed")

Suicide is a very touchy subject with me; however, I am more than willing to share my story and offer help to others. (By touchy, I mean I don't like to joke about it or hear others joke about it.)

I used to think that nobody cared about me...that no one cared if I was hurting myself on purpose or that I wasn't acting like myself. It took a lot of people to put their hands on me to convince me that I was worth it. It still takes a village to remind me that I matter every day. Here's a few of those people:

(My actual fam)

(my Chick-fil-a fam)

This doesn't even amass to my entire village. This probably only covers 5% of it. These people are my stronghold. Every day that I feel like I'm about to fall back into that hole, they are the ones who lift me out of it. My village expands from Auburn, AL to Rome, GA, from California to Washington D.C., and from Haiti to Africa. My village covers the world. And I am so thankful for them every day.

When I was placed on bed rest from contracting walking pneumonia and three other viruses, these people were the first ones to text, to call and to give hugs, making sure I was okay and taken care of. No matter how stubborn I was, they were the ones to drag me to Urgent Care, to supply me with soup and to send me home from work when I'm dead on my feet. 

I can't imagine a greater village to be a part of. 

Even after seven years, I still have 'dark' thoughts. It's a mental illness. I can't really stop it. I don't blame myself for them and I don't blame anyone else. The one thing I do tell myself, though, is that my village is always here for me. No matter what. 

And YOUR village is here for you too. Take a moment and look around. You have SO MANY people who care about and for you. I care about you. Please don't ever think that suicide is an option for you. You are on this earth for a reason. We all love you. At the end of this post, I am going to post numbers and websites that you can use if you are in that dark place and it seems like there is no way out.

First, I am going to share a song with you. This song is fairly new and it honestly means so much to me. And I hope it can share hope and life with you as well. 

Second, I want to thank my village for everything they've done for me. You may not realize you played a part, but you did and I will be forever grateful. I love you all so much. 

And finally, feel free to message me if you need to talk or vent about life. I may not know you and I don't have to. Sometimes all we need is someone to listen to us and not judge. And trust me, I'm far from judging anyone for anything. 

I love you all.

In His Name

Kaitlyn

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

TWLOHA: https://twloha.com

Free

Take a look at me.

I'm 20 years young, a junior in college, a photographer, a painter, a writer, et cetera, et cetera.

Now...really take a look at me....

Scars line my body. From the top of my head to the very tips of my toes, I have a spattering of scars. They are all over my arms, my chest, my waist, my legs....

Since I was in middle school, I have suffered from a disorder called dermatillomania (or, better known as chronic skin picking).

This disorder has disrupted my life in many ways.

It started as my head peeling from a recent sunburn. I started to pick at it, forming scabs that, fortunately, were hidden by my thick hair.

This led to me developing a staph infection throughout my body. The staph soon went away (after some antibiotics) but my skin picking didn't stop. Basically, I was picking at acne, dry skin, fingernails, you name it.

For years and years I attempted to stop. Trust me. I tried everything. I tried ointments to get rid of scabs; I took antibiotics; I used face wash after face wash to get rid of acne. However, because this is an OCD disorder, medicine for the scabs and acne and everything else didn't and wouldn't ever fix anything. In order to heal, I should've worked to control my stress, anxiety, and negative emotions. (I did not know this at the time.

Over the years, it just became something that I did to cope. Even when I wasn't upset, I would start picking at whatever was on my body. I did it absentmindedly. It even got to the point where I was highly embarrassed of the scarring that was on my body. I couldn't control it.

The fact that I have an obsessive compulsive disorder that I have absolutely no control over is ironic but hardly poetic.

This disorder wrecked my emotionally and physically. I now have scars all over my body. I may not be self-conscious about them anymore, but they will always be a part of me. Emotionally, it took a lot to accept this as what was happening to me. I didn't want to admit to it. I just chose to ignore it. No matter the number of scars or the amount of comments I got, I just ignored it.

But, the reason I wanted to talk to you guys about this is because I wanted to officially share the big news I received about two weeks ago.

For the first time in about 8 years, I do not have an open wound on my body. I have not picked at anything on my body in almost 3 weeks. I'm on the road to healing.

I am FREE of this burden.

Now, I know this could come back, but I've also learned how to better control my stress and my emotions. I've worked hard to get to where I am now and I'm going to continue to work hard to keep this up.

I'm spending more time in my bible and even bought a new journalling bible to be able to keep track of my thoughts. God has really shown me a lot these past few weeks and this past summer as well.

I am free. I am free. I. Am. FREE. 

In His love.

Depressed

Now, before any of you go freaking out...no. I am not depressed. I am not suffering through depression. I am perfectly happy with my current life and want to keep on living it.

I just wanted to take a few minutes to discuss depression with you guys. The news about comedian Robin Williams is all over media and I felt it fitting to talk about what depression is and what it does to people around us.

I want to point our, first of all, the depression is not a sin. It isn't. Nor is it a choice. It isn't a character defect, a spiritual disorder, or an emotional dysfunction. Depression is a mental illness that should be taken very seriously. Viewing depression as a sin in and of itself ultimately prevents individuals from seeking treatment.

We are all human. We are of flesh. So, it is natural for us to feel upset and to feel sad. We cannot all be happy all the time.

I'm beyond willing to admit to you guys that I used to be depressed. Now, I never went to a doctor and was never given prescription medicines to combat my depression. However, I diagnosed myself.

You guys know my story. It was in high school that I began to stray from God and everything I used to know. I didn't want to go out anymore. I didn't want to hang out with my friends. I didn't want to go to church. I didn't want to attend youth group or any social gathering for that matter. I just wanted to stay in bed and be antisocial.

I wasn't happy anymore. Yeah, I would smile in front of others, but it was a fake smile. I was lying through my smiles and forced laughs. And the thing is that, I thought that nobody was paying attention. That they didn't care enough to be able to tell that everything I was saying was a lie.

That just caused me to sink further into myself and into that dark hole. Dark thoughts clouded my head every day.

If people don't care, why should I?

Why does everything hurt so much?

People wouldn't care if I was gone, right?

I want this pain to end.

What if I ended it?

What if I ended me?

Yes, it did get that far. I began to self-harm. I had suicidal thoughts weekly. I was not well.

Luckily, I was able to get help. From family. From friends. From people who loved and cared for me.

And here I am today. Alive and healthy. I still have scars lining my arms, but they tell my story. I am not ashamed of them because I defeated death and depression. I won.

Please understand though, I still have some thoughts like that. They aren't often, but I do have them. When I get upset to the point of where I don't think I can handle life anymore, I begin to wonder about slipping into my old ways. But I don't. I start to pray and have God take everything from me.

So, yes. I am a Christian and I had depression. There are some people who believe that Christians can't have depression. Just because we have an amazing God, doesn't mean that we don't get upset at times. Like I said before, depression isn't a choice. It's a serious mental illness.

"Often, we ignore the fact that our spiritual condition and psychological state of mind are highly affected by what is happening to us physically. Sometimes depression is simply the result of exhaustion. In 1 Kings 19, we read how the prophet Elijah, worn out from his struggles to defeat Jezebel and her prophets of the pagan deity Baal, is so depressed that he cries out to God to end his life. In response, God tells Elijah to eat a good meal and go to bed, and that he will feel differently in the morning. For those of us who are depressed because we’re not getting enough sleep (and most Americans don’t), it is a great comfort that we can take our burdens to Christ, and He will give us rest.

Diet and exercise also figure into our emotional and spiritual conditions. The Bible tells us that the body is “the temple of God” (1 Corinthians 6:19), and it is sad how badly most of us treat our bodies. How many of us would feel more spiritually alive and joyful if only we exercised and stopped dumping junk food into God’s temple? Big doses of chocolate bars can put us on a high, but we'll experience a spiritual and psychological downtime a short time later.

Depression can also be brought on by chemical imbalances in the body. A person’s DNA can trigger chemical reactions that put him or her into an intensive funk. For women, the bodily changes that accompany menopause can bring on extreme depression. With prayer, “all things are possible,” but escaping from depression that is due to a chemical imbalance in the body through prayer alone is not probable. Those who try to dissuade religious people from getting medical help for clinical depression, claiming that faith alone is the cure, can do devastating harm. In many cases, a severe depression that lasts more than a few days is bio-physically based and requires medical treatment. This is certainly true for any who suffer from a bipolar condition. A psychiatrist is trained to diagnose both medical and mental causes of depression. To seek such treatment does not denote a lack of faith, but rather evidence of a willingness to take advantage of what God has made available to us through modern science."


     [[Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Health/Emotional-Health/Christians-Take-Depression-Seriously.aspx?p=2#6QJV448hLcdaxBOG.99]]

I also just wanted to say please don't joke around about depression. You don't know who's suffering through it at this present moment. I personally take offense when people joke about going to kill themselves or say (kind of snottily) that my band aids make it look like I cut myself. 

Just be mindful of what you say to others. It can really hurt even if you don't mean it to. 

Also, if you are feeling anything like I've been describing, please go talk to someone. It can be a parent, friend, doctor, relative, anybody. Don't let yourself get to that low point where you are self harming for release. There are hotlines and websites to help out with anything and everything. Don't be scared to reach out.

For now, that's all I have to say. If anybody needs someone to talk to, I am always available. Text me. Call me. Stop by my house. Write me a letter. Shoot me an email. I'm always willing to talk.

Stay cool. Radiate positive vibes.

Kaitlyn

Broken and Healed

Hey friends.

I know that it's been a while since I've posted and I apologize. I've been busy. It is summer, after all. (That's not really an excuse, but I'm going to use it anyways.)

Before I get into what I want to talk about today, I wanted to update you guys with what's going on in my life. First things first, I got a promotion at work so you are now looking at a new assistant manager (WOOO!). I also got to move out of my parents' home into another house because we had friends from my church need a house sitter for two months. It's been great. I'm living with a good friend of mine and it's honestly been nice to not live with my parents this summer.

Other than those two things, though, nothing much has changed. I'm still a college student; I still work on my photography and writing books. However, because of working full time, I can't find much time to do things.

But, don't fret. I was able to get next week off to go on a road trip with my best friend for my birthday week. I am beyond excited. We are heading up to the mountains of North Carolina and then headed to the coastline. It will be good to get out of this city and to explore the country a bit. I'm so ready for it, that I've already packed up all of my stuff! Haha.

Anyway, the reason I am writing this post today is because I wanted to talk about something that's been on my mind for a few weeks. It will get a bit personal, but I feel like God is asking me to share this with you guys.

First off, I wanted to talk a bit about my testimony. Some of you may know what happened to me a few years ago and some of you may not. For those who do not know, let me give you a shortened version. (If we ever meet in person, I'd love to tell you the entire story.)


When I entered high school, I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to keep my faith. I had so many people spread rumors about me and ridicule me for my beliefs. I began to stray away from God because of all of it. I started to hang out with the wrong crowd and became more and more distraught and distant from everybody who used to hang out with me. 

I didn't want to believe there was a God. I began to curse and to rebel against everything I used to believe in. (No, I did not start drinking or smoking. I still didn't like people who did that.) Don't get me wrong. I was pressured into drinking and smoking. The people I hung out with were the ones who partied every weekend and who used sex as a means out of their troubles. I may not have been into this, but there were times when I seriously considered it. 

It was in tenth grade that everything came to a screeching halt. I argued with my parents all the time and there was morning when it got so bad that I told my mother that I hated her. It was that morning that I began to cut myself to feel relief from the pain I was in. It was that morning that my life just felt like it was going down the drain.


Now, obviously, I'm still here today. I am alive and healthy. I don't cut or harm myself anymore. I've healed from that even though I still have scars lining my body. I was never sent to a doctor and was never medically claimed depressed. I diagnosed myself. It wasn't until the summer after tenth grade that I began to work towards my healing.

The reason I want to talk about this is because it has been three years since this has happened. It has been three years since I last placed a knife to my skin. It has been three years since I last thought I wasn't worth anything. It has been three years since I last wanted to end my life. It has been three years since I was reborn in my Savior's arms.

I'm not telling you guys this because I want you guys to feel sorry for me or to make it seem like I've gotten it all together since then. I still stumble. There are times when I get so frustrated or so upset with my life that I want to go back to my old ways. But, I don't. I take a deep breath and go spend time with my Creator instead.

I now realize that I can end the pain with healthier options. I don't have to resort to self-harm to get through something that is difficult in my life.

When you see/meet me, you will notice the scars. They are etched into my skin. They are noticeable. They are there and I am aware of it. Yes, it is hard sometimes to tell the story of my few months spent in a dark abyss called depression. Especially to people I've know for years and years. I've gotten better at it, but it's still hard. However, I trust that the Lord will provide me with the words I need.

With my "dark" past, I used to think that people were a little intimidated by me. I used to think that because I had these scars, other people wouldn't know what to do with me. I was terrified to think that people wouldn't want to try to understand what happened to me. I know that some people are just scared to deal with others who have done the things I have.

Things are quite different, actually. In the past year, after going to college, I have found so many people that support me. They have listened to my story and still love me for who I am. They don't shy away at mention of my scars and are always there for me when I need a shoulder to lean on. They love me for who I am. I am so blessed by them.

I also want to reach out a hand to anybody who feels like they have been dealing with what I dealt with. You are not alone. You are loved. You are amazing. Don't let anybody tell you anything different. Be you and know that there are people out there who love you for you. I want to leave you guys with a letter. I have this letter framed for my dorm room at school and always look back on it in times of struggle. Feel free to do the same.




Dear Sons and Daughters,

I want to remind you today that you are beautiful.  As you know there is a father of lies who will try to deceive you.  He will tell you that you aren’t attractive enough, good enough or smart enough.  He will tempt you to doubt Me and then, after you do, he will accuse you of being a failure. He will also tell you that you have broken too many promises, lived one too many lies, and fallen one too many times.  He will try to discourage you and tell you you’ve been going in the wrong direction and that it is pointless to turn  back now. “You,” he hisses, “Are unimportant to God.”
Guess what?  You do not belong to him. He is not your father.  I AM.  I am your King.  You are born of my thought! Every part of you I carefully put together by My hands.  You have my thumbprint on your life. You are my workmanship! You are My creation! You are my joy! My very own sons and daughters!

You not loved because you are precious.  You are precious because you are loved…by Me your KING!  There is nothing that can separate you from my love.  There is no ocean too deep. There is no mountain too high.  Yes, sin did change my perfect creation. Yes, you live in a broken, fallen world.  Every human being is born in sin because of Adam and Eve’s disobedience.  However, I could not turn my back on them.  I will not turn my back on you.  I robed myself in flesh and came to earth to pay for you with my own blood.  I am your redeemer and you are covered with My grace.  I have done everything  there is to do and given all there is to give–for you!  Your life is precious because I created it and redeemed it!  My love for you is everlasting, unfailing and eternal.

The father of lies may whisper in your ear; “Did God really say…?” He ignites flames of doubts.  But I am unchangeable.  My Word is truth.  I desire to spend time with you, every moment of every day.  My love for you never grows cold.  My promises are never broken.  My character never changes.  You, my child, have been made in my image.  You are beautiful.  You have purpose.  You have destiny. You have hope in every situation, because of Me.
I love you unconditionally, dearly and completely.  I know your emotions.  I see your tears.  I see your thoughts.  When you don’t know what to pray, My Spirit prays for you with words deeper than any sigh. I know all about you.  I know your secrets, fears, weaknesses and failures.  None of this changes my love for you.  My faithfulness is eternal.  Learn of Me! Believe Me! Trust Me! Find order in the midst of your chaos with Me.  Begin each day with me. Calm your nights with Me.  Entrust your heart to Me, I hold it close to my own.

Forever & faithfully yours,

Your Heavenly Father/Your King




If you ever want to ask more about my story, feel free to ask me. I can explain more about my depression and what was happening in my head. All you have to do is ask.

And remember: YOU are loved by the Creator of the earth, by the One who placed the stars in the sky, by the King of kings.

Love and be loved.

My testimony on YouTube.