Willing

I'm sitting here, unable to sleep, watching CSI and musing over my current life.

Career-wise, I'm not at all where I want to be...where I dream to be.

Relationship-wise, I couldn't be happier. I'm getting to marry the man of my dreams in October.

Health-wise, I'm still working on this part...I'm back to working out and I'm eating healthier.

Faith-wise, I still struggle on a weekly basis.

Ever since I graduated college last year, I've been stuck. I've had a secure job for the past eight years of my life. I'm in a leadership position and make decent money. I live in a nice apartment and have enough money to pay rent, utilities, student loans and still be able to buy groceries and have some fun once in a while. Yes, there are times when money is a bit short and we are living off ramen and Easy-Mac, but it's not often. (We are open to being broker than usual because we are saving for a wedding.)

Yet, everyday, I get in bed feeling drained and a little bit overwhelmed with life. Honestly, it's taken me a little while to figure out just why that is.

And you know what I figured out?

I am so obsessed with my own will for my life that I become so stressed and anxious that I mentally and physically tire myself out every day. I tell myself that the job I have is a safety net and that I shouldn't venture out for new opportunities. I convince myself that jobs will come running to me rather than the other way around. I say, "Oh, it's okay, Kaitlyn. You make enough money to support yourself. You don't need anything else."

I am so focused on the exact job I want (something that I had to realize that I won't be able to get without experience first) that I ignore everything else going on around me. And then, I blame others for trying to push me out of my safety net.

This past Sunday, I sat down on my couch, opened up my laptop and realized that I've been handling life all wrong.

I shouldn't be focusing on how I want my life to go, but how God is working through my life.

God has a will for each of our lives. He has a plan that won't fail us. Yes, it is full of obstacles, but God never gives us more than we can handle.

God wants to challenge us--to shape us into the people He wills us to be. It is our choice, however, to follow HIs will or betray Him and follow our own.

I know that you hear this a lot, but I'm going to say it again: Everything works in God's timing. God's timing is always perfect.

It's hard to believe that sometimes. I still have some trouble believing it, but I do know that everything works out in His plan for my life. I'm currently working through a speed bump in life and I just have to get over it in order to move on.

I have been so stuck on staying in one spot, that I haven't opened myself up to possibilities that are all around me. I realized that I needed to be more open to relocating to a different city or even a different state in order to make my own dreams a reality.

I need to trust that God is working hard in my life to give me the best life He can. But, I also need to help Him out a little by stepping away from my "security blanket" and telling Him that I am ready to go...that I am ready to move to wherever He needs me to be. I must be willing to pursue my dreams with Him right by my side. If I don't get the first job I want, I might get the second. And I've got to put my faith in that's where God wants me to be at that current moment.

As an update to you all, I've starting putting myself out there more. I've started to apply for more jobs around the country and it is more than likely that I'll be moving from my hometown in order to pursue my dreams. My fiancé and family have been nothing but supportive and I pray that God will be right by my side throughout the entire process. I ask you all for prayers and good thoughts as I take the next steps towards my future career. And don't worry, you will all be updated as soon as I find something out and for now, I will remain in Auburn to work and stay close to my family.

In His Name.

Saved

Hey you guys. It's been a while, huh? Sorry about that. I've been kind of busy with graduation, moving into a new apartment, and just life as an adult. The past two weeks or so, however, I've had a lot on my plate with working a full time job, trying to balance friendships, relationships, and my family and being caught up with an array of illnesses (a cold, bronchitis, sinusitis, and walking pneumonia). Even with all this going on, I've had a lot on my mind and I would like to get it all out on here if possible. So, just bear with me for a moment.

(An updated selfie for you all)

A few weeks ago, I was talking to my boyfriend after a long day at work and I just broke down, admitting to him that I felt so alone. I explained to him that it felt like I didn't have any friends here and that all I did was stay of the apartment and go to work. I wanted to be able to go out and do things with people like I did while I was at Berry. I was tired of being so alone.

He tried to explain that we were saving money and that all I had to do was contact my friends to hang out with them. (However, I didn't explain to him the complicated relationships I had with many people still here in Auburn.) I shook my head and told him that it's very hard for me to be the first to say something because I don't want to be a bother and I feel like I'm annoying if I do so. He finally talked me into texting some friends from Berry and when they responded, I felt so much relief. All it took was one text, and then, we were connected again.

It's hard for me to go hang out with people especially when our off days don't line up or when I work till 11 every night. However, I do have fun at work with many friends, and I still enjoy keeping up with them via texts or pictures.

The main reason for this post isn't to talk about how I figured out the key to healthy relationships (it's communication if you were wondering)...it's to talk about how many of these people saved me from myself and how they continue to save me every day.

This week is National Suicide Prevention Week.

If you don't know me (which many of you may not), many years ago, while I was in high school, I became depressed and even subjected myself to self-harm on multiple occasions. During that time, there were a couple instances when I even thought that my life didn't matter and that killing myself would be the only way to end my pain.

(If you want to read more of my story, see it here: "Broken and Healed")

Suicide is a very touchy subject with me; however, I am more than willing to share my story and offer help to others. (By touchy, I mean I don't like to joke about it or hear others joke about it.)

I used to think that nobody cared about me...that no one cared if I was hurting myself on purpose or that I wasn't acting like myself. It took a lot of people to put their hands on me to convince me that I was worth it. It still takes a village to remind me that I matter every day. Here's a few of those people:

(My actual fam)

(my Chick-fil-a fam)

This doesn't even amass to my entire village. This probably only covers 5% of it. These people are my stronghold. Every day that I feel like I'm about to fall back into that hole, they are the ones who lift me out of it. My village expands from Auburn, AL to Rome, GA, from California to Washington D.C., and from Haiti to Africa. My village covers the world. And I am so thankful for them every day.

When I was placed on bed rest from contracting walking pneumonia and three other viruses, these people were the first ones to text, to call and to give hugs, making sure I was okay and taken care of. No matter how stubborn I was, they were the ones to drag me to Urgent Care, to supply me with soup and to send me home from work when I'm dead on my feet. 

I can't imagine a greater village to be a part of. 

Even after seven years, I still have 'dark' thoughts. It's a mental illness. I can't really stop it. I don't blame myself for them and I don't blame anyone else. The one thing I do tell myself, though, is that my village is always here for me. No matter what. 

And YOUR village is here for you too. Take a moment and look around. You have SO MANY people who care about and for you. I care about you. Please don't ever think that suicide is an option for you. You are on this earth for a reason. We all love you. At the end of this post, I am going to post numbers and websites that you can use if you are in that dark place and it seems like there is no way out.

First, I am going to share a song with you. This song is fairly new and it honestly means so much to me. And I hope it can share hope and life with you as well. 

Second, I want to thank my village for everything they've done for me. You may not realize you played a part, but you did and I will be forever grateful. I love you all so much. 

And finally, feel free to message me if you need to talk or vent about life. I may not know you and I don't have to. Sometimes all we need is someone to listen to us and not judge. And trust me, I'm far from judging anyone for anything. 

I love you all.

In His Name

Kaitlyn

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

TWLOHA: https://twloha.com

Patient

I am definitely one of those people that says "patience is a virtue". I believe that everything will happen in its own time and that God has a plan for everything.

However, I feel that, at this time in our nation, we need to be practicing patience more than anything. Things are a little crazy and I'm finding it hard be patient. With the election happening today and with graduation less than six months away (OMG), I find myself getting more and more stressed and wanting to get it all over and done with.

So, let's talk about what it means to be patient in our lives.

Patience is not a personality trait…

Despite our great wish that it could be so simple to excuse it’s absence in us. It does not come naturally or easily to any us. It is a character trait. It must be developed, honed, grown, tried, tested, proven. We are, naturally, selfish creatures, desiring our own way in our own timing always. Conscious effort must be made to flourish Patience. And how is Patience grown? In trials of course! Trials breed Patience, patience keeps us safe in trials. It is a cycle of growth, with each struggle we become equipped to handle the next. With each one growing in strength of character until we are who we were made to be.

It's not laziness or "passive waiting"...

And it's not a hardship, no matter what we all believe...

 Yes, patience will carry us through hardship, but do not get the idea that in accepting the task of learning Patience that you are subjecting yourself to a dismal existence. No! Patience is the very force that enables us to be able to live gloriously though all around you be broken. For Patience sees through the present gloom into the future brightness. Patience doesn’t just smile bravely as hell breaks loose around you. Patience smiles with a secret that it knows, though no one else can see it. Living in Patience is like living in the week before Christmas. The present is still a mystery, yet there is that package under the tree; bright, shiny, making you smile with anticipation whenever you think of it. You cannot open the present today, but you know that it is prepared for you. And so you are happy. THAT is Patience.

One of my favorite verses is in James. It says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" (James 1:2-4).

STORY TIME!

About two weeks ago, I received a call from my mother. It was like any normal call except for the very end. Apparently, we were having some financial aid issues and we lost some grant money that we were supposed to receive to help pay for my education at Berry. There was miscommunication through everyone and for a little bit, I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to finish my senior year.

I didn't want to be patient about any of it. I wanted things to figure themselves out and I didn't want to worry about any of it! I mean, isn't that what anybody would be wishing for??

So, I had to go meet with my financial advisor and figure things out and eventually had to write an appeal letter to Berry to try and get grants or loans to help me and my family out. It was stressful and I was on the edge of my seat for about a week.

Fast forward to today.

I was laying in bed and watching a movie, not really doing much of anything. I heard my phone ring, notifying me of an email from someone at Berry. I opened it and saw an email from financial aid and immediately my heart started pounding. I didn't want to open it. I just assumed that it would be bad news. However, I built up the courage and opened the email... And you know what?

My appeal was approved! That's right, Berry granted me more financial aid to help with my education and I will still be able to graduate on time next May!

After opening that email, I began to sob. Literally sob in my bed. I was so overwhelmed with everything that I just broke down.

Guys...God is so so good. I felt so stupid for being stressed out about this thing in life. I really should've trusted God with the weight of those burdens. Yet, I took it all upon myself to carry those weights.

You see, that story can apply to the rest of life. Especially with this election going on right now.

We need to stop stressing and worrying about everything. Yes, this election is crazy and yes, there are awful things going on in this country. But, we need to cast all those burdens on the Lord.

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)

"Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken." (Psalm 55:22)

We need to come together and be patient. We should not fear anything that happens on this world. For we have a heavenly world waiting for us. The bible clearly says "do not fear" 365 times. That is enough for every day of the year. 

So, let us not fear the future. Let us not worry about whatever will happen with this election. Let's cast all our anxieties upon the Lord and trust that He has the perfect plan for us. 

And remember, Christ is King. He will not forsake us. 

In His Name.

Hosanna

Let me be the first to say that I do not always ask for help when needed. I like to do things on my own and anytime I have to ask for help, I feel weak. I feel utterly and embarrassingly weak. So, I don't ask for help. I keep my problems to myself and don't let anyone else have access to them. Not even God.

I spent years not allowing myself to be vulnerable. I refused to let other people deal with my "problems". I mean, I was even told this past spring by someone who I thought was very close to me that I wasn't worth their time or patience...that my "problems" and "issues" were too much. I took those words very close to heart and began to pull away even more. That someone soon disappeared from my life, but their words never did.

This past April, I entered in to a relationship with a guy I met through a dating site. (Crazy, right?) We hit it off pretty well and it wasn't long until we were dating and seeing each other almost every day throughout the summer.

I swore that with this relationship, I was going to be more upfront about the things I deal with on a daily basis. However, I still found myself holding back. I didn't my "issues" to become his burdens. I had this skewed view of relationships, whether they were friendly or romantic, and I didn't want to cause anyone any trouble.

My newfound relationship was way different than the one I had been in before and I found myself comparing the two at the beginning. I wondered for a week or two if I had rushed into things. But I knew in my heart, that I wasn't doing that and that this guy was in my life for a reason.

Even though I left my old, toxic relationship with my ex behind, I still refused to listen to any of the music we listened to together, refused to watch movies we had seen, didn't play the video games we used to play and didn't even want to step foot in the places we had been. I would tell my boyfriend to take me somewhere else, would change the radio station and would convince him to watch a different movie.

It took me a couple months to realize that this wasn't healthy. That my new relationship wouldn't thrive if I kept holding back. So, I began to open up a little more. I became more myself. I found myself being able to watch those movies and go to those places. The one thing I was still struggling with was "that song".

You know which song I'm talking about. Every relationship has one. That song that you both listen to all the time. Whether it be the first song you both heard together, or the first song you kissed/danced/sang along to. It's "your song". (My current boyfriend and I have one-- "H.O.L.Y" by Florida Georgia Line. We listen to it in the car all the time and always end up singing it to each other. It was a song that connected us.)

Well, at risk of sounding silly, my ex and I loved the "I Lava You" song from that Pixar short before Inside Out. You know, the one with the talking volcanoes? (Here's the link!) Well, after he and I broke up, any part of that song would kill me. I couldn't bear to listen to it. And I buried the memories deep deep inside of me.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. This song began to play on my phone and a friend told me to turn it up as she loved this song. Instead of doing as she asked, I quickly skipped the song as it still brought back bad memories. She questioned my motives and I dodged the question and burning look in her eyes and told her that I was just tired of hearing it all the time on my playlist. She dropped it.

Then today. I was sitting in the office at work and a co worker was playing throwback Disney songs as I studied. Soon he said my name and when I looked up, he told me that the next song was going to hit me in my feels. I was confused but smiled anyways. He skipped to that song. (He had no idea what that song meant to me.) I tensed up at first, but soon he was singing along to the song and I quickly joined in. The frozen smile on my face thawed and grew. I began to laugh as we sang to this silly Disney song and I realized that for the first time in a very long time, I felt free and at peace with my life.

I also realized that if I had just been honest in the first place and asked for help in getting over that ex and transitioning into a new relationship, things would've been much smoother sailing for me.

I've also realized in the past few months that I shouldn't be scared to ask for help. To be honest with you guys, I've started seeing a therapist. Berry offers free counseling services to students and my parents and I thought it would be very helpful to me and the people in my life if I began to talk to someone. And, to my utter disbelief, it did help.

The ability to talk to someone for a hour nonstop can be quite scary. At first, I didn't think I wanted to go. I didn't want to be weak and ask for help. But, I came to discover that talking to someone who isn't directly involved in your life can be very uplifting and liberating. All the burdens on my shoulders began to disappear and I haven't felt this light in years.

There are two songs I've been listening to for the past week nonstop. And they speak everything to me. The first is "It is Well With My Soul" (the Matt Redman version). This song is proclaims endless joy. Contrary to popular belief, these lyrics aren't shouting out that everything is okay. Because we all know it isn't. However, our God is still in control. Those words are saying that the old will is gone and the new will has come! It is a reminder that, while we don't understand the hurt we go through, we can always turn to a God that does understand and who will comfort us in all times.

The other song is "Hosanna" by Hillsong. This is such a favorite of mine. The word 'hosanna' means an expression of adoration or joy. This is how I've felt the past few months. The joy that I have in my life (after realizing that it's okay to ask for help sometimes) is the greatest it's ever been. This song speaks so much truth in my heart and I want to shout this song from the rooftops.

So, while I'm the first to tell you that I don't like to ask for help, I will also be the first to tell you that asking for help is the best thing you could ever do to help your physical, mental, AND spiritual health. It definitely did that for me. Even if you start out by asking God for help, it's a step in the right direction.

"Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, And He brought them out of their distresses. He caused the storm to be still, So that the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad because they were quiet, So He guided them to their desired haven." (Psalm 107:28-30)

"This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests which we have asked from Him." (1 John 5:14-15)

In His Name.

Don't Settle: An Open Letter to Girls Who Deserve Better

Dear You,

I’ve heard that you’re struggling. With a lot. Boys, friendships, family, and just plain old life. I’ve heard that there are days when you just want to give up on everything. Days when you lay in bed and wonder if it’s worth getting up for the day. Days when everything just seems to go wrong. 

Trust me, sweet girl, I’ve been there. I really have. 

This letter is for all the girls out there who feel like they aren’t worthy of love. It’s for the girls who are in love, yet doubt anyways. It’s for the ones who are broken-hearted. It’s for those girls who are still wishing for their Prince Charming. It’s for the hopeless romantics. It’s for the hopeful romantics. It’s even for those who are happy. And, sweetheart? This letter…it’s specifically for you.

Let’s be honest here, girls. We love to fall in love. We want to be desired by someone else. And I’m not just talking about girls here. And I’m also not just talking about women. I am talking about the human population as a whole. We love to love. And even more, we love to be loved. But you know what our problem is? We are settling. That’s right, we, girls, are settling. We are settling for that guy who hold doors behind them rather than in front of them. We are settling for “surface relationships” when we should be looking for deeper moments and deeper conversations. We are settling for “talking” to a guy when we should have a “let’s do something about this” kind of mindset. We are settling for having a “thing” when we should have a “I’ll be on my way” mindset. We are texting. We are snapchatting. We are stalking Instagram posts. How about we not settle for social media flirting? If a guy really likes you (and I mean, really likes you), he will like the real you more than the social media you. We, as humans on this world, are settling for that 21st century relationship when what we really should be searching for in an everlasting love. 

Baby girl, love is a two way street. Treat others as you want to be treated. We should be treated by guys how we have desired to be treated for the longest time and we should also be willing to return this treatment back to them. You can’t go around expecting a breathtaking love story if he in the only contributor to it. And he shouldn’t expect that either if you are the only one writing in that story. Don’t believe the lies that the world and Satan tries to tell you. Don’t believe them when they tell you how unrealistic a Christ-like man is. Just because you crave a more meaningful relationship than most of the world, doesn’t mean that you are living in a fantasy. Don’t believe those awful lies. See, the thing is, you just have higher standards. And that’s okay. One day, you will see those high standards turn into a high-valued relationship. 

Here’s another painful truth: relationships end. They end, darling. And there isn’t a thing we can do to change that. You can’t be looking towards a full life while also hoping for no heartbreak. Without heartbreak, there can be no lessons learned for us. Relationships end; you cry; you hurt; you move forwards. Relationships end because God did not have them in His will for you. Maybe your sense of humor doesn’t match their’s. Not your fault. Maybe you’re too extroverted. Not your fault. When you settle in a relationship, you are saying that you are too scared that no one else will love you like they do. You are staying out of fear. When you settle, your emptiness and your absence of fulfillment isn’t his problem. It’s yours. Yes, I’m going to be blunt about that: it’s yours. We can blame others. We can totally blame it on their mistakes and their lack of love. But when you settle—oh, when you settle—you are only hurting yourself that much more. 

Let me tell you…you do not deserve a 21st century relationship. I’m going to repeat it. You. Do not. Deserve a 21st century relationship. You don’t deserve those “read receipts” or those “likes” on Twitter or Instagram. You know what you deserve? You deserve a love-centered relationship—one centered on something greater than both of you combined! You don’t deserve to be cheated on. Under any circumstances. Ever. You deserve a guy who would never think of leaving you. I’m serious. You deserve to be appreciated and loved for who you are; not judged by your compassion, intelligence, or beauty. You do not deserve to feel like the only one in the relationship. You deserve to feel like there is someone else putting in the effort. Putting in 100% on the other side. You definitely do not deserve a car honk or a text saying “here”. You deserve a doorbell ring. You do not deserve to be treated “less than” anything. You deserve to be treated like the most important person in the world. No matter what. 

Sweetie, there will be someone who will do what he won’t. If he isn’t kind to waiters at a restaurant, there is someone who is. If he doesn’t shake hands and make good eye contact with your parents, there will be someone who does. It he doesn’t bother to pull the chair out for you, someone else will make sure to do it. If he is someone who cancels on you quite often, there will be someone who will always show up ten minutes early. If he doesn’t walk you to the door because it’s too old-fashioned, there will be someone who believes the opposite. If he doesn’t remember those small details (like the way you take you coffee or your favorite Skittle flavor), just know that there will be a guy in whom you’ll be so surprised because they know so much about you. If this guy doesn’t go out of his way for you, just know that there is someone else who will make it his priority to go out of his way just for you.

Here’s my advice to you: If you wouldn’t marry them, don’t date them. If you look at him and you wouldn’t want to wake up to their…personality, every day, of every week, for the rest of your life, please don’t waste your time now. If you look at him and wouldn’t want your future kids to be just like him, don’t waste your time now. Darling, just wait. Wait for someone that you would never associate the word “settle” with. Wait. Wait instead of settling for the wrong guy. Wait, because out there, there is someone who will look at you in a way that you never knew was possible. Wait, because there is bound to be something greater, a relationship between true loves, and not those “love to be loved” type of people. Wait, because there is someone out there who would never (NEVER) allow you to settle. Wait. Because if he won’t, then you can be sure that someone else will. 

Love,    

Someone who has been in your shoes

Happy

Hey guys! With Easter right around the corner (TOMORROW!!), I wanted to write a quick blog post about something I've been focusing on quite recently in my life.

As humans living in this world, we tend to get caught up in the negatives of our lives. We dwell on them and let them drown out everything else in our lives. Personally, my last few weeks have been filled with getting over a harsh break-up, stressing over tests and school work, wondering about the future (aka--senior year at college) and much much more. I was letting these events in my life overtake the happy things.

This past week, however, I took time to write out the things that make me happy. It's so easy to pick out things that make me unhappy, but until we truly think hard about it, those things overwhelm us. Trust me, there are a lot more things in life to be happy and to laugh about. So many more than we actually realize! Like I've said before, it's the little things in life that make us most happy.

So, here is a list of 50 things that make me happy. (What are yours?)

1. A warm cup of coffee in the morning
2. Freshly dried laundry
3. A warm, sunshiny day
4. The first blooms of Spring
5. Laughing to the point that your abs ache
6. Bible journaling
7. A long talk with an old friend
8. The smell of coffee shops (I love coffee--sue me)
9. The smell of an old book
10. Dates with my siblings
11. Baking cookies in the middle of the night
12. Sales at clothing stores
13. Shopping at thrift stores
14. Pancakes
15. Hammocking in a park
16. Running around with bare feet
17. Freshly mowed grass
18. Thunderstorms
19. Afternoon naps
20. Having butterflies in my stomach
21. Long, hot showers
22. Reading my Bible
23. Going to church on Sunday mornings
24. Cooking
25. And baking!
26. Sunrises
27. Sunsets
28. Driving with the top down in my car
29. Singing along to the radio
30. Dance parties
31. Looking at old photographs
32. Waking up in the middle of the night and realizing you can go back to sleep
33. Finding a verse that fits perfectly with your current situation
34. Worship music
35. Random acts of kindness
36. Surviving another school year
37. Heart to hearts with parents/grandparents
38. Long hugs
39. Forehead kisses
40. Realizing how blessed this life is
41. Knowing that God has a hold on me
42. Dressing up and going out
43. Feeling pretty
44. Wearing lipstick
45. The mornings that you can lay in the bed for hours
46. Finishing a good book
47. Netflix marathons
48. Working out
49. Feeling confident
50. Painting

So yeah, those are my top 50. I could write so many more. But, I'll spare you from reading all of that. Basically, whatever you are going through...whether it be a bad break-up (which is my case), an awful school year/semester, etc...take the time to write out what makes you happy. And by the time you get into it, you'll find yourself smiling more and more. 

Don't be afraid to be happy again if you're going through a rough patch. God wants us to be happy and wants us to realize that He has better things in store for us. All it takes is time. 

I like to go back to this verse whenever I'm struggling. I hope it encourages you as well:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." (James 1:2-3)

In His name. 

Recovering

I told you guys I'd be back with an update. ;)

I know it's only been about a week, but I have something to share with you all. Something that's really important for everyone to understand and to know.

On Tuesday, I was able to make it through the day without having a legit emotional breakdown. I smiled, laughed, and ultimately forgot about things that happened only a few days ago. It felt good. And I know that I'll still have hard days. Break ups are hard. They aren't meant to be easy. God didn't design us for this type of misery in our lives--He created dating and marriage for our happiness. But, I am prepared for this. I know that tough days are coming, but I also know that good days are coming and even greater days will be here soon.

So, what I wanted to share with you guys tonight is a list. A list of the fourteen things you should do/think about/participate in after a break up. This list is one that I wrote down on a sheet of paper last night and placed in my planner to see every day for the next few weeks. And honestly, some of these things can help out with life in general as well.

So, here we go: "Kaitlyn's Fourteen Lessons To Help Get You Through a Break-Up"


1. Take deep breaths

Just breathe. I know it hurts. I know that it feels like your chest in being compressed so tightly that it feels like you're drowning. But trust me, and take in deep breaths and let them out. Do it as slow as you can bear it. Count to five for each in and out breath. It'll help relax your body. It begins the process of healing. 

2. Release tensions/energy

Go running. Take a kick boxing class. Go to a shooting range. Do something to let all that anger and hurt and confusion out. It will allow you to think more clearly and you will be able to breathe a bit more easily. Letting out anger will show you that you really aren't angry--you're just hurt and don't know what to do about it. Personally, I have started running again. When I'm upset and "angry" I take it out on the treadmill and the track and sometimes I even beat a personal record. 

3. Start a new hobby or restart an old one

Learn a new language. Start painting or drawing. Take a photography class. Start writing poetry or fiction or even non fiction. Do something that will occupy your time. This way, you won't be dwelling on the break up all day. Look for something that you love to do and that will help you forget and move on. 

I went back to painting and to journaling in my Bible. They relieve a lot of stress from my shoulders and I definitely feel much happier when doing them. 

4. Pray

This is SO important. If you ever find yourself unable to cope with life/reality or if you find yourself curled up, sobbing and unable to breathe correctly, cast everything to God. He has His hands open to you, waiting for you to make that choice. Tell him your fears, your doubts, your anger, your confusion, your hopes, everything.

5. Love yourself

This is also VERY important. You cannot blame yourself. You can't beat yourself up and you cannot start believing that you aren't worthy of love. Because you are worthy. You are so worthy. Darling, it is unbelievable how worthy you are.

Tell yourself how worthy you are every morning while getting ready. Look at yourself in the mirror and say "You are a beautiful and strong human and you are worthy of love".

6. Let Go

This one will be hard. So freaking hard. Especially if you are currently getting out of a long-term relationship. You'll want to hang on to every memory, every trinket, every picture. And you are allowed to do that...for a short period of time. But eventually, you'll have to start letting go. You'll have to throw out those pictures and maybe even some trinkets and memories. Only when you start letting go and stop holding on, will you be able to start moving on with your life. 

With this, you have to learn to forgive and love your ex. (Love them as your brother/sister in Christ.) Another hard one. I've told you, I love to hold grudges. It makes me feel in control of the situation. But, holding on to grudges is not healthy for getting over a break up. We need to learn forgiveness. How can we stay angry at someone God loves? It's almost impossible. God has already forgiven them, now it's just your term. You don't have to do it right away, but eventually, you will need to do it. 

7. Don't move on too quickly

One of the worst mistakes someone can make right after a break up is moving on to somebody else without letting their self fully heal. With this new age of online dating and social media, it's very very easy to find that rebound (trust me, I know all too well). Affection is addicting. This, I know all too well, too. We love the idea of dates, flowers, attention, holding hands, kissing, letter/notes, etc. So, with this addiction, we find it easy to want to move on right away. However, if we truly care about God, witnesses, our ex (go back to the previous lesson on forgiving and loving and letting go) and eventually, our future significant other, we should wait and pray. God will provide the right guy at the right time. We just have to trust in Him and His plan for us. 

8. Spend a lot of time outside

Get some fresh air. It clears your head and gives you time to think and process things. Trust me. It works. So well.

9. Surround yourself with others who love you

Don't always hole up in your room by yourself. You need others with you. You need support through this tough time. Let others love on you. If your friend wants to bring you a donut and coffee, let them. If they just want to sit in your room with you while you cry and get angry, let them. Don't shut others out. Let those who love you, be there for you. Lean on them. (But not too much so that you're unable to get by without them. You will need to be able to walk by yourself again at some point.)

10. Allow yourself to feel (cry, get angry, etc)

Cry. Please, please, just cry. Sob. Do whatever. Don't hold it in. It's a normal human emotion. You are allowed to spend a few days or a week just riding that emotional roller coaster. Cry; get angry; be hurt; be confused. But after those few days, focus on your happiness. Don't dwell on those negative emotions. Those are just signs of Satan trying to drag you down. Don't let Satan win. Choose joy. 

And if you aren't hurting after a break-up, maybe you should. As humans, we don't go in and out of romances such as this without causing some pain for ourselves. Now, that's not to say that you should be devastated after every break-up, but there should most likely be a sense that the break up wasn't right or that it's not how everything is supposed to go in life. Our hearts were not meant to be borrowed and sometimes, God needs to show us the devastation of failed relationships to show the negative suggestions about Him and the church. 

11. Do not over analyze everything.

Please, please, PLEASE. Do not do this! It is detrimental to your overall mental health. Don't sit in your bed and go over every detail of your relationship wondering how it got to this point and wondering what went wrong. It won't do you any good and it will make you miserable. You can think about it, yes, but don't over-analyze. 

12. Stay off social media/your phone/etc.

--Delete them off Facebook. Unfollow them on Twitter and Instagram. You need time to heal. And seeing their name on every social media site you get on won’t help that healing process. And if you do get online, don’t “stalk” them. It’ll only make the hurt worse. 

--Don’t text them. Delete their old messages. Don’t call them just so you can hear their voice one last time. You need to move forward. Resist the urge and temptation to contact them. You need time. They need time. Later on, you can text them or re-friend them, if you know that you are completely over them, but only then. Never before.

13. Take it one day at a time

Honestly, this is really all you can do. Days will turn into weeks which will turn into months which will turn into years. Time will move on. You will love again. You just have to take it a day at a time. Take it step by step. Don't rush into anything and don't try to take life too fast. You won't heal in one day. You need time. Healing takes time. 

14. Trust God

I know you're probably struggling with this right now. You're probably wondering why God is doing this to you. I mean, you thought that this guy or girl was it for you. He/She was the love of your life. Why did this break up happen?!

The thing is that God knows your needs. And He is never too slow to provide that for you. He will end up revealing things to you about those things you thought needed. He even may reveal to you that it is Him you need more than anything else. He loves you. He knows what's best for you. And for whatever reason--this relationship was not what was best for you anymore. It was probably good for you at a time, but it's time to move on and God is telling you exactly that. 

God has everything in control. Again, He knows what is best for you. God will never close a door without having another one open for you. You just have to lean on Him and trust Him with your whole heart. Continue to praise Him even while making your way from one door to the next. He has bigger things planned for you. He will see you through this. Just you wait.

Healing

Wow. It's pretty early, huh? Or pretty late, depending on which way you look at things. Haha. I woke up a few hours ago and just couldn't go back to sleep. So, instead, I picked up my Bible and began to read, hoping that I would be able to get tired enough to fall back asleep.

While reading I came across this verse: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my  righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)

The past few weeks have honestly been quite hellish for me. On March 1st, I was admitted into the hospital for DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis). This basically means I wasn't taking care of my Type 1 Diabetes like I should've been doing and my blood sugars got too high and wouldn't come back down. I spent the rest of the week in the hospital trying to get better.

I then came home for my spring break to hopefully relax and get my health back in shape before the rest of the semester. However, little did I know that another blow would be waiting for me. Just yesterday morning, my boyfriend of six months called me over to his place and broke up with me. I won't go into details, but obviously, it hurt. A lot. I spent the rest of the day crying in bed and unwilling to motivate myself to do anything, really. So I assume that's why I couldn't really sleep tonight. With all of this on my mind, it makes it hard to relax enough to want to sleep.

It was right after I read that verse above that I felt God with me. I felt His presence near me as I cried while reading that verse over and over again. He placed His hand on my shoulder and whispered:

"Kaitlyn, my beautiful daughter, do not worry. Do not fear. I am with you every step of the way. I will not let you fall. Trust in me. Lean on me. Cast all your burdens on me and I will make you whole again. Do not worry or stress about what is to come. It is all in My hands. Let My will be done. I will never forsake you."

Those words He spoke over me soothed my soul. I know that healing my heart will take time. But I also know that I have a God on my side that will always be there for me no matter what.

So, I decided that I am going to take five specific steps in my life to make myself whole again.

1. I'm going to start living a healthier lifestyle.

There is no need for me to allow myself to wallow in self-pity or guilt and eat all the junk food I can manage. While I may indulge once or twice, I've decided to start working on becoming a healthier me. So, I'm going to start eating right and exercising more often. I honestly want to start running again and start training for 5ks, 10ks, and maybe even a half-marathon. This way, too, my diabetes will be better managed and I won't be feeling so run down anymore.

2. I'm going to spend time with friends.

I haven't done that much this semester (or even last semester) and I feel awful about that. I believe that healing myself will come more easily if I am surrounded by those whom I love and who love me back. So, I'm going to start going out with friends more, taking more adventures with them and just kicking back and having fun.

3. I'm going to dig into the Word.

This one is important. I feel that my spiritual health has also been declining recently and I am so ashamed of that. So, I'm going to start reading my Bible daily and start praying endlessly to God. He needs to become number one in my life again and I'm going to make sure that happens as soon as possible.

4. I'm going to forgive.

This one is also very important. I'm the type of person who can and will hold a grudge for a very long time. I need to learn how to undo that and control my feelings better. So, I'm going to start by forgiving myself. I can't blame myself for everything that has happened. It's not fair to me. And it just drags me down even more than I already am dragged down by current situations. I'm also going to forgive those who may have hurt me. There's no need for me to be angry at all these people all the time. It's not healthy. And if I do continue to be angry and hold a grudge, I won't be able to properly move on with my life.

5. I'm going to love myself.

We all have issues of self-worth. When my boyfriend broke up with me, all I could think was "I'm obviously not good enough. What's wrong with me? What happened? He deserves better than me." et cetera, et cetera. I was beating myself down. I told myself that I wasn't worthy of his (or anybody's) attention. That I didn't deserve to love and be loved in return. When, in reality, that is so not true. I deserve all of that and more. So, on this road to healing, I'm going to love myself. I'm going to work on boosting my self-confidence so that I can proclaim every minute of every hour of every day that "I am worth loving."

It's time for me to take a step back and start healing. And it may be time for some of you to do that as well. All I can say is: Kudos to you for taking that step. I know (I swear I do) that making that decision was a hard one. Sometimes, all we want to do is be upset and hurt and angry. But if we allow ourselves to do that, we will never move forward in life and will continue to hurt others along the way.

Be on the lookout for another post in the upcoming weeks about my progress to healing. These past few weeks were a wake up call for me. I'm ready to take on life and to make myself whole again, with friends, family, and most importantly, God, by my side every step of the way.

Strong and Brave

Let me start off this post by asking a simple question:

What comes to your mind when you think of someone you personally know (be it a friend, family member, loved one, etc.) telling you that they see a therapist on a regular basis?

You are probably thinking that this person (that you know pretty closely) has some serious problems that you weren't aware of. You may think that they're crazy or weird or just plain old weak.

That's right. Weak.

That's what I thought every time I thought about anyone going to see a therapist. Even myself.

I viewed therapy as weak. If you couldn't take care of yourself by yourself then what were you doing with yourself. I believed that we have the ability to take care of ourselves without any outside help.

Which is why I avoided therapy for the longest time. I made excuses not to go and would weasel my way out of it every single time.

That is, until I got to college.

Here at Berry, counseling is free to every student. There is a counseling center on campus and all you have to do is call in to make an appointment and you're all set. Sessions are set to one hour each and the counselors are there to listen and talk you through things.

For the past two years, I still told myself that counseling was weak. That it was embarrassing. Which is why I still never went or made an appointment. I was scared of what others would think of me.

However, a couple months ago, I made a decision that would change my life for the better. I made an appointment for a counseling session. I didn't tell anyone I was doing this--not even my parents. I still wanted to keep it a secret and wanted to see for myself how it went before letting anyone else in on the notion of me attending therapy.

And you know what?

It made me strong. And brave.

Therapy is not weak. It was never weak to begin with.

It is strong. It is courageous.

 

Society now rarely sees this as a healthy thing--as something that helps us. It is an overwhelming experience; we feel burnt out from it. Therapy is designed (by society) to make us feel vulnerable...exposed...as if there is a gaping wound in us that we cannot seem to close. And in the end, we start to beat ourselves up, believing that we can solve all of our problems by ourselves. We think we don't need professional help and when we realize we can't fix it on our own, we beat ourselves up even more. What's wrong with me?!?!

The first thing my counselor told me when I sat down for my first session a few months ago was "Good for you. You are doing something great for you and for others around you. Kudos. Be proud of yourself. You are brave. You. Are. Strong."

Seeking help is strong. And healthy. I read somewhere that "it takes courage to face our issues and to make a commitment to address them consciously, and move through them to the best of our ability".

We are human. Simply human. To ask for help only reassures the fact that WE ARE HUMAN. We are not perfect. It is impossible for us to be able to fix ourselves by ourselves. We aren't God. Nor are we robots. It is a natural experience to want or need others around us. To need help from others.

God created us for a purpose. And that purpose is not to self-destruct. To avoid help when you need it is to destroy, not only yourself, but others around you that you love and who love you. God would not want us to pull ourselves into a downward spiral. He would want us to seek help when we need it.

To seek for counseling means that you are healing. You are putting the work into yourself to help you heal, whether that be from a mental health issue or an event that put your life on hold. You are healing. You are being proactive. You are doing the work that is necessary for a healthy life. You are not being passive whatsoever. You. Are. Strong.

I currently go to a session about every other week. Today was my first session since the beginning of December. And it was so good to be back. I can already feel weights being lifted off my shoulders bit by bit. I can breathe a bit easier and I feel myself walking with my head a bit higher.

If you or anyone you know has been thinking about seeking professional help, please don't hesitate to make an appointment somewhere. These counselors are here to help you. If you don't want them to talk, they don't have to. If you don't want to talk, that's fine too. For my first session, it took my a good half hour to finally open up to this stranger. And when I did, it felt like I couldn't stop. So, don't worry, it may take some time to feel comfortable talking to a complete stranger, but it will get easier as time goes on. Trust me.

And if you are currently seeing a therapist or counselor, may I say kudos to you! Bravo! You are grabbing on to that tool that helps us pursue a healthy life!

And to all those nasty things the enemy may throw at us, be it abuse, loss, grief, depression, suffering, pain, etc., may I say: BRING IT ON.

I am not going to take any of this without putting up a fight of my own. And I hope you won't either. Fight on. Win. Show the enemy that he cannot control us.

In His Name.

New Year, Happier Me

Happy New Year!

I hope all of you have had wonderful holiday seasons (I know I did!) and that you are pumped for this new year! Things have been crazy in my life and I'm sorry that I haven't been able to post much, but I'm happy with being as busy as I am. However, now that it's a new semester and I have a bit more free time, I'm going to try and post some more!

Today, I really just wanted to tell you guys about my New Year resolutions. I only have a few and obviously, some of them are very cliche.

1. Be healthier.

    This is so cliche, I know. But I really want to work on this. Obviously, I am a college student, so it'll be difficult to be super healthy. But I can make a start on it and I already have. I've been eating more salads and been putting leaner protein in my diet. I went grocery shopping today and was very proud of myself for buying more fruits/veggies/yogurt/etc. I also plan on starting a new workout plan. Now, I don't plan on going every single day, but I do want to go at least 4-5 times a week. I would love to start running again and training for 5ks/10ks/half-marathons and maybe even a marathon. I love the freedom and determination that running gives me, so let's hope that I can get back into it without any problems! Hopefully, I will be able to keep this up and continue being healthy for months to come. Determination and perseverance is key.

2. Work harder in school.

    So far, I've been able to get by in school by being average. I don't get stellar grades, but I don't fail either. But, I want this to change. Especially since I only have a few semesters left in college. (YIKES!) But, I have a lot of support for this resolution, so I'm sure it won't be too hard to accomplish.

3. Plan more.

    If you know me, I'm not great at organizing my life. I like for things to happen spontaneously and hate any type of specific plan. However, I want this to change. So, I went out and bought a nice planner and some colored pens and spent a lot of time looking over all of my schedules and planning out the semester. I wrote down specific events and scheduled weekends to return home to visit family/friends/boyfriend. I marked down when papers are due and when exams are. And even began to give myself certain deadlines for internship applications and other things. I'm hoping that this will allow me to stress less about life and enjoy it more.

4. Be happy.

   This is a big one for me. Now, I'm not saying that I wasn't happy before. Cause, I was. I've been very happy for a while now. But, I feel that there are certain things in life that I need to worry less about and take on with a smile. So, in order to do this, I created a Happiness Jar.

   Happiness Jar? What is that, you may ask? This is a Happiness Jar:

   The Happiness Jar is exactly what it sounds like. The goal is for me to write down events in my life that make me happy. I will write it down on a slip of paper and then fold up the paper and put it in the jar. Then, at the end of this year, I will empty the jar and re-read the things in 2016 that made me smile. As you can see, there are already a few events in there and it's only been a week in the new year! I cannot wait to see how full this thing is by December 31!

So, those are my resolutions for the new year. I'm super excited about what this year has in store for me and cannot wait to see where God leads me. I hope you guys have a fantastic second week of January!

In His name.

Free

Take a look at me.

I'm 20 years young, a junior in college, a photographer, a painter, a writer, et cetera, et cetera.

Now...really take a look at me....

Scars line my body. From the top of my head to the very tips of my toes, I have a spattering of scars. They are all over my arms, my chest, my waist, my legs....

Since I was in middle school, I have suffered from a disorder called dermatillomania (or, better known as chronic skin picking).

This disorder has disrupted my life in many ways.

It started as my head peeling from a recent sunburn. I started to pick at it, forming scabs that, fortunately, were hidden by my thick hair.

This led to me developing a staph infection throughout my body. The staph soon went away (after some antibiotics) but my skin picking didn't stop. Basically, I was picking at acne, dry skin, fingernails, you name it.

For years and years I attempted to stop. Trust me. I tried everything. I tried ointments to get rid of scabs; I took antibiotics; I used face wash after face wash to get rid of acne. However, because this is an OCD disorder, medicine for the scabs and acne and everything else didn't and wouldn't ever fix anything. In order to heal, I should've worked to control my stress, anxiety, and negative emotions. (I did not know this at the time.

Over the years, it just became something that I did to cope. Even when I wasn't upset, I would start picking at whatever was on my body. I did it absentmindedly. It even got to the point where I was highly embarrassed of the scarring that was on my body. I couldn't control it.

The fact that I have an obsessive compulsive disorder that I have absolutely no control over is ironic but hardly poetic.

This disorder wrecked my emotionally and physically. I now have scars all over my body. I may not be self-conscious about them anymore, but they will always be a part of me. Emotionally, it took a lot to accept this as what was happening to me. I didn't want to admit to it. I just chose to ignore it. No matter the number of scars or the amount of comments I got, I just ignored it.

But, the reason I wanted to talk to you guys about this is because I wanted to officially share the big news I received about two weeks ago.

For the first time in about 8 years, I do not have an open wound on my body. I have not picked at anything on my body in almost 3 weeks. I'm on the road to healing.

I am FREE of this burden.

Now, I know this could come back, but I've also learned how to better control my stress and my emotions. I've worked hard to get to where I am now and I'm going to continue to work hard to keep this up.

I'm spending more time in my bible and even bought a new journalling bible to be able to keep track of my thoughts. God has really shown me a lot these past few weeks and this past summer as well.

I am free. I am free. I. Am. FREE. 

In His love.

Unconditional

Hey guys! Its been a few weeks since I've posted anything but I've had a few things I wanted to share with you today. After returning home from school for the summer, I had a wedding photography job lined up for two close friends of mine. So, on Mothers Day, I took off for a beautiful afternoon of taking pictures.

And let me tell you...these pictures turned out so so well!! The amount of love between this couple was so raw and so photogenic that I bawled (a couple of times)! Here are a few of the pictures:

As you can see, these two love each other so, very much. I have watched their love grow from just starting to date to fiancées to now a married couple. To be quite honest, their love is the love I want with my future husband.

This brings me to my topic of the day: love.

I have told you guys before that ever since I was a little girl, I have wanted a love to rival the greatest loves of all time. I'm a true romantic at heart. I want someone to hold me, someone I can tell my fears and doubts to, someone to love me for who I truly am. I want that so much, that I let it consume me sometimes.

But I've already talked about myself in this category before, so let me talk about someone(s) else for a change.

You see, when I think of my future husband/relationship, all I see are my parents. That's right. My parents are my true inspiration for my relationships.

My parents, I feel, are the true definition of a Christ-like love. They love each other unconditionally...no matter how many times my dad annoys my mom or how crazy my mom seems to make my dad.

These guys have been married for 15+ years and their love continues to grow stronger and stronger with each passing year. I've witnessed firsthand all the ups and downs of their relationship.

They definitely have had their fights. I have been there for meltdowns, blow-ups, and just the general yelling. (And I may have even been the cause for some of those. Haha!)

But here's the thing...they forgive each other. No matter what. They don't let their fights define their relationship. They go back to each other and make up. No matter who is at fault or who "threw the first punch" (figuratively of course).

That's love, you guys.

I cannot begin to explain to you guys how inspired I am by these two. Throughout my life, they have taught me what true, real, raw love looks like. They have shown me that you must love God first before letting anybody else into your heart. Through them, I've seen that you must place God in the center of your relationship if you want it to go anywhere.

These two beautiful human beings have shown me all there is to know about love. I couldn't ask for two better role models for myself or my siblings.

Just as 1 Corinthians says, "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things".

Remember, we all love because He first loved all of us. (1 John 4:19)

So, thank you, mom and dad, for showing me Who to turn to when times get tough and for being who you guys are. Thank you for showing me what true, Christ-centered love looks like and for inspiring me in my own relationships with others. I love you two so very much and couldn't ask for two better parents.

In His love.