Hopeful

When I was a freshman in college, I wrote a letter to myself and tucked it away for when I was about to graduate as a senior. I forgot all about it. Today, I pulled it out and read it and cried. And cried. And cried. I was not aware of how much I needed this today. Sometimes the biggest blessings are the ones you don't see coming. I am going to share this letter with you, because I think it is something everyone needs to hear. Especially those who are graduating in a few days. Much love. 

Dear Kaitlyn, 

I am so proud of you. You’ve worked really hard to get where you are, and I want you to relax now. You have so many good things coming, you don’t have to work as hard as you think you do. Enjoy your life and watch things unfold, all in perfect time. Time to square your shoulders back, hold your head high, and keep moving through your life with grace and ease. And don’t forget to smile!

I can tell you that you will not remember all those little tasks, deadlines and emails you worry about. You’ve got the small stuff covered. You’ve accomplished every goal you’ve ever set and then some. I hope you are as proud of yourself as I am.

Amidst all the external definitions of success, please don’t forget to look inward.

A few reminders:

Take care of yourself. Eat well. Exercise. Get outside. Get plenty of sleep. Rest and remember to spend plenty of time alone. Put yourself first so that you can share your best gifts with the world.

Be nicer to yourself. Weighing ten pounds less does not make you a better or more interesting person. Weighing ten or twenty pounds more does not make you unloveable. For every day or every moment you criticize yourself, you are cheating yourself out of your fullest joy.

Face some hard truths. You will hit rough patches. You will have more “lowest moments of your life.” Again you will find yourself feeling dark and depressed. Again you will find yourself going to sleep fully clothed because you cannot muster the emotional energy to get undressed. These moments always turn out to be your best teachers. These are the moments that will help you serve others in new, extraordinary ways.

Let people in. You will know when the time is right. When it is, let go. Let yourself love with abandon. You don’t have to protect yourself so much. You will still be able to take care of yourself if and when these relationships end, and they will have given you new perspectives on life.

Forgive yourself. It’s time to stop carrying all that guilt. That you could have been nicer, more accommodating, more supportive, more generous, more selfless; that you could have given more time and attention – or even more love. The past is in the past, and you are doing the very best you can. The very best does not mean perfect. It is okay if you aren’t perfect — none of us are.

Live your life on your own terms. Stop looking for everyone’s approval. Stop living in fear that if you say or do the wrong thing, you will lose people forever. If that happens, it wasn’t meant to be. Stop auditioning for other people’s lives and embrace yourself, exactly as you are.

A note on judging others. It is so easy to do – we all do it. But be careful who you judge, what you turn your nose up to, and the opinions you rally behind without questioning. They almost always come back to teach you a lesson by giving you the very experience that you were so quick to judge. Treat others with respect, compassion and an open-mind at every possible moment.

You are capable of so much more than you even realize. We all are. You have infinite power at your fingertips and it’s just waiting for you to engage it. Take those risks you are afraid of taking. Trust yourself.

You’ve gotten yourself this far in your life — keep going. Even more greatness lies ahead if you can just take the leap, even in those moments where you can’t see the other side yet. Dream even bigger! Reach for the stars – they are waiting for you.

Soak it up, baby! Whew – this is heavy stuff. Remember not to take yourself too seriously! Lighten up, laugh, have fun, be young, sing and dance your heart out. Celebrate! Be thankful for all of your gifts and blessings. Honor them by letting yourself experience bliss at every opportunity. Let the bliss grow and expand. Sprinkle gold dust around everyone and everything you can see.

I know you know this, because you’ve said it before — you already have everything you need. 

Time to stop chasing and start embracing. I have no doubt you will do it with flying colors. You already have.

Oodles of love and cupcakes,
Kaitlyn (of 2013)

Healing

Wow. It's pretty early, huh? Or pretty late, depending on which way you look at things. Haha. I woke up a few hours ago and just couldn't go back to sleep. So, instead, I picked up my Bible and began to read, hoping that I would be able to get tired enough to fall back asleep.

While reading I came across this verse: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my  righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)

The past few weeks have honestly been quite hellish for me. On March 1st, I was admitted into the hospital for DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis). This basically means I wasn't taking care of my Type 1 Diabetes like I should've been doing and my blood sugars got too high and wouldn't come back down. I spent the rest of the week in the hospital trying to get better.

I then came home for my spring break to hopefully relax and get my health back in shape before the rest of the semester. However, little did I know that another blow would be waiting for me. Just yesterday morning, my boyfriend of six months called me over to his place and broke up with me. I won't go into details, but obviously, it hurt. A lot. I spent the rest of the day crying in bed and unwilling to motivate myself to do anything, really. So I assume that's why I couldn't really sleep tonight. With all of this on my mind, it makes it hard to relax enough to want to sleep.

It was right after I read that verse above that I felt God with me. I felt His presence near me as I cried while reading that verse over and over again. He placed His hand on my shoulder and whispered:

"Kaitlyn, my beautiful daughter, do not worry. Do not fear. I am with you every step of the way. I will not let you fall. Trust in me. Lean on me. Cast all your burdens on me and I will make you whole again. Do not worry or stress about what is to come. It is all in My hands. Let My will be done. I will never forsake you."

Those words He spoke over me soothed my soul. I know that healing my heart will take time. But I also know that I have a God on my side that will always be there for me no matter what.

So, I decided that I am going to take five specific steps in my life to make myself whole again.

1. I'm going to start living a healthier lifestyle.

There is no need for me to allow myself to wallow in self-pity or guilt and eat all the junk food I can manage. While I may indulge once or twice, I've decided to start working on becoming a healthier me. So, I'm going to start eating right and exercising more often. I honestly want to start running again and start training for 5ks, 10ks, and maybe even a half-marathon. This way, too, my diabetes will be better managed and I won't be feeling so run down anymore.

2. I'm going to spend time with friends.

I haven't done that much this semester (or even last semester) and I feel awful about that. I believe that healing myself will come more easily if I am surrounded by those whom I love and who love me back. So, I'm going to start going out with friends more, taking more adventures with them and just kicking back and having fun.

3. I'm going to dig into the Word.

This one is important. I feel that my spiritual health has also been declining recently and I am so ashamed of that. So, I'm going to start reading my Bible daily and start praying endlessly to God. He needs to become number one in my life again and I'm going to make sure that happens as soon as possible.

4. I'm going to forgive.

This one is also very important. I'm the type of person who can and will hold a grudge for a very long time. I need to learn how to undo that and control my feelings better. So, I'm going to start by forgiving myself. I can't blame myself for everything that has happened. It's not fair to me. And it just drags me down even more than I already am dragged down by current situations. I'm also going to forgive those who may have hurt me. There's no need for me to be angry at all these people all the time. It's not healthy. And if I do continue to be angry and hold a grudge, I won't be able to properly move on with my life.

5. I'm going to love myself.

We all have issues of self-worth. When my boyfriend broke up with me, all I could think was "I'm obviously not good enough. What's wrong with me? What happened? He deserves better than me." et cetera, et cetera. I was beating myself down. I told myself that I wasn't worthy of his (or anybody's) attention. That I didn't deserve to love and be loved in return. When, in reality, that is so not true. I deserve all of that and more. So, on this road to healing, I'm going to love myself. I'm going to work on boosting my self-confidence so that I can proclaim every minute of every hour of every day that "I am worth loving."

It's time for me to take a step back and start healing. And it may be time for some of you to do that as well. All I can say is: Kudos to you for taking that step. I know (I swear I do) that making that decision was a hard one. Sometimes, all we want to do is be upset and hurt and angry. But if we allow ourselves to do that, we will never move forward in life and will continue to hurt others along the way.

Be on the lookout for another post in the upcoming weeks about my progress to healing. These past few weeks were a wake up call for me. I'm ready to take on life and to make myself whole again, with friends, family, and most importantly, God, by my side every step of the way.

Strong and Brave

Let me start off this post by asking a simple question:

What comes to your mind when you think of someone you personally know (be it a friend, family member, loved one, etc.) telling you that they see a therapist on a regular basis?

You are probably thinking that this person (that you know pretty closely) has some serious problems that you weren't aware of. You may think that they're crazy or weird or just plain old weak.

That's right. Weak.

That's what I thought every time I thought about anyone going to see a therapist. Even myself.

I viewed therapy as weak. If you couldn't take care of yourself by yourself then what were you doing with yourself. I believed that we have the ability to take care of ourselves without any outside help.

Which is why I avoided therapy for the longest time. I made excuses not to go and would weasel my way out of it every single time.

That is, until I got to college.

Here at Berry, counseling is free to every student. There is a counseling center on campus and all you have to do is call in to make an appointment and you're all set. Sessions are set to one hour each and the counselors are there to listen and talk you through things.

For the past two years, I still told myself that counseling was weak. That it was embarrassing. Which is why I still never went or made an appointment. I was scared of what others would think of me.

However, a couple months ago, I made a decision that would change my life for the better. I made an appointment for a counseling session. I didn't tell anyone I was doing this--not even my parents. I still wanted to keep it a secret and wanted to see for myself how it went before letting anyone else in on the notion of me attending therapy.

And you know what?

It made me strong. And brave.

Therapy is not weak. It was never weak to begin with.

It is strong. It is courageous.

 

Society now rarely sees this as a healthy thing--as something that helps us. It is an overwhelming experience; we feel burnt out from it. Therapy is designed (by society) to make us feel vulnerable...exposed...as if there is a gaping wound in us that we cannot seem to close. And in the end, we start to beat ourselves up, believing that we can solve all of our problems by ourselves. We think we don't need professional help and when we realize we can't fix it on our own, we beat ourselves up even more. What's wrong with me?!?!

The first thing my counselor told me when I sat down for my first session a few months ago was "Good for you. You are doing something great for you and for others around you. Kudos. Be proud of yourself. You are brave. You. Are. Strong."

Seeking help is strong. And healthy. I read somewhere that "it takes courage to face our issues and to make a commitment to address them consciously, and move through them to the best of our ability".

We are human. Simply human. To ask for help only reassures the fact that WE ARE HUMAN. We are not perfect. It is impossible for us to be able to fix ourselves by ourselves. We aren't God. Nor are we robots. It is a natural experience to want or need others around us. To need help from others.

God created us for a purpose. And that purpose is not to self-destruct. To avoid help when you need it is to destroy, not only yourself, but others around you that you love and who love you. God would not want us to pull ourselves into a downward spiral. He would want us to seek help when we need it.

To seek for counseling means that you are healing. You are putting the work into yourself to help you heal, whether that be from a mental health issue or an event that put your life on hold. You are healing. You are being proactive. You are doing the work that is necessary for a healthy life. You are not being passive whatsoever. You. Are. Strong.

I currently go to a session about every other week. Today was my first session since the beginning of December. And it was so good to be back. I can already feel weights being lifted off my shoulders bit by bit. I can breathe a bit easier and I feel myself walking with my head a bit higher.

If you or anyone you know has been thinking about seeking professional help, please don't hesitate to make an appointment somewhere. These counselors are here to help you. If you don't want them to talk, they don't have to. If you don't want to talk, that's fine too. For my first session, it took my a good half hour to finally open up to this stranger. And when I did, it felt like I couldn't stop. So, don't worry, it may take some time to feel comfortable talking to a complete stranger, but it will get easier as time goes on. Trust me.

And if you are currently seeing a therapist or counselor, may I say kudos to you! Bravo! You are grabbing on to that tool that helps us pursue a healthy life!

And to all those nasty things the enemy may throw at us, be it abuse, loss, grief, depression, suffering, pain, etc., may I say: BRING IT ON.

I am not going to take any of this without putting up a fight of my own. And I hope you won't either. Fight on. Win. Show the enemy that he cannot control us.

In His Name.

New Year, Happier Me

Happy New Year!

I hope all of you have had wonderful holiday seasons (I know I did!) and that you are pumped for this new year! Things have been crazy in my life and I'm sorry that I haven't been able to post much, but I'm happy with being as busy as I am. However, now that it's a new semester and I have a bit more free time, I'm going to try and post some more!

Today, I really just wanted to tell you guys about my New Year resolutions. I only have a few and obviously, some of them are very cliche.

1. Be healthier.

    This is so cliche, I know. But I really want to work on this. Obviously, I am a college student, so it'll be difficult to be super healthy. But I can make a start on it and I already have. I've been eating more salads and been putting leaner protein in my diet. I went grocery shopping today and was very proud of myself for buying more fruits/veggies/yogurt/etc. I also plan on starting a new workout plan. Now, I don't plan on going every single day, but I do want to go at least 4-5 times a week. I would love to start running again and training for 5ks/10ks/half-marathons and maybe even a marathon. I love the freedom and determination that running gives me, so let's hope that I can get back into it without any problems! Hopefully, I will be able to keep this up and continue being healthy for months to come. Determination and perseverance is key.

2. Work harder in school.

    So far, I've been able to get by in school by being average. I don't get stellar grades, but I don't fail either. But, I want this to change. Especially since I only have a few semesters left in college. (YIKES!) But, I have a lot of support for this resolution, so I'm sure it won't be too hard to accomplish.

3. Plan more.

    If you know me, I'm not great at organizing my life. I like for things to happen spontaneously and hate any type of specific plan. However, I want this to change. So, I went out and bought a nice planner and some colored pens and spent a lot of time looking over all of my schedules and planning out the semester. I wrote down specific events and scheduled weekends to return home to visit family/friends/boyfriend. I marked down when papers are due and when exams are. And even began to give myself certain deadlines for internship applications and other things. I'm hoping that this will allow me to stress less about life and enjoy it more.

4. Be happy.

   This is a big one for me. Now, I'm not saying that I wasn't happy before. Cause, I was. I've been very happy for a while now. But, I feel that there are certain things in life that I need to worry less about and take on with a smile. So, in order to do this, I created a Happiness Jar.

   Happiness Jar? What is that, you may ask? This is a Happiness Jar:

   The Happiness Jar is exactly what it sounds like. The goal is for me to write down events in my life that make me happy. I will write it down on a slip of paper and then fold up the paper and put it in the jar. Then, at the end of this year, I will empty the jar and re-read the things in 2016 that made me smile. As you can see, there are already a few events in there and it's only been a week in the new year! I cannot wait to see how full this thing is by December 31!

So, those are my resolutions for the new year. I'm super excited about what this year has in store for me and cannot wait to see where God leads me. I hope you guys have a fantastic second week of January!

In His name.