Patient

I am definitely one of those people that says "patience is a virtue". I believe that everything will happen in its own time and that God has a plan for everything.

However, I feel that, at this time in our nation, we need to be practicing patience more than anything. Things are a little crazy and I'm finding it hard be patient. With the election happening today and with graduation less than six months away (OMG), I find myself getting more and more stressed and wanting to get it all over and done with.

So, let's talk about what it means to be patient in our lives.

Patience is not a personality trait…

Despite our great wish that it could be so simple to excuse it’s absence in us. It does not come naturally or easily to any us. It is a character trait. It must be developed, honed, grown, tried, tested, proven. We are, naturally, selfish creatures, desiring our own way in our own timing always. Conscious effort must be made to flourish Patience. And how is Patience grown? In trials of course! Trials breed Patience, patience keeps us safe in trials. It is a cycle of growth, with each struggle we become equipped to handle the next. With each one growing in strength of character until we are who we were made to be.

It's not laziness or "passive waiting"...

And it's not a hardship, no matter what we all believe...

 Yes, patience will carry us through hardship, but do not get the idea that in accepting the task of learning Patience that you are subjecting yourself to a dismal existence. No! Patience is the very force that enables us to be able to live gloriously though all around you be broken. For Patience sees through the present gloom into the future brightness. Patience doesn’t just smile bravely as hell breaks loose around you. Patience smiles with a secret that it knows, though no one else can see it. Living in Patience is like living in the week before Christmas. The present is still a mystery, yet there is that package under the tree; bright, shiny, making you smile with anticipation whenever you think of it. You cannot open the present today, but you know that it is prepared for you. And so you are happy. THAT is Patience.

One of my favorite verses is in James. It says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" (James 1:2-4).

STORY TIME!

About two weeks ago, I received a call from my mother. It was like any normal call except for the very end. Apparently, we were having some financial aid issues and we lost some grant money that we were supposed to receive to help pay for my education at Berry. There was miscommunication through everyone and for a little bit, I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to finish my senior year.

I didn't want to be patient about any of it. I wanted things to figure themselves out and I didn't want to worry about any of it! I mean, isn't that what anybody would be wishing for??

So, I had to go meet with my financial advisor and figure things out and eventually had to write an appeal letter to Berry to try and get grants or loans to help me and my family out. It was stressful and I was on the edge of my seat for about a week.

Fast forward to today.

I was laying in bed and watching a movie, not really doing much of anything. I heard my phone ring, notifying me of an email from someone at Berry. I opened it and saw an email from financial aid and immediately my heart started pounding. I didn't want to open it. I just assumed that it would be bad news. However, I built up the courage and opened the email... And you know what?

My appeal was approved! That's right, Berry granted me more financial aid to help with my education and I will still be able to graduate on time next May!

After opening that email, I began to sob. Literally sob in my bed. I was so overwhelmed with everything that I just broke down.

Guys...God is so so good. I felt so stupid for being stressed out about this thing in life. I really should've trusted God with the weight of those burdens. Yet, I took it all upon myself to carry those weights.

You see, that story can apply to the rest of life. Especially with this election going on right now.

We need to stop stressing and worrying about everything. Yes, this election is crazy and yes, there are awful things going on in this country. But, we need to cast all those burdens on the Lord.

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)

"Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken." (Psalm 55:22)

We need to come together and be patient. We should not fear anything that happens on this world. For we have a heavenly world waiting for us. The bible clearly says "do not fear" 365 times. That is enough for every day of the year. 

So, let us not fear the future. Let us not worry about whatever will happen with this election. Let's cast all our anxieties upon the Lord and trust that He has the perfect plan for us. 

And remember, Christ is King. He will not forsake us. 

In His Name.

Healing

Wow. It's pretty early, huh? Or pretty late, depending on which way you look at things. Haha. I woke up a few hours ago and just couldn't go back to sleep. So, instead, I picked up my Bible and began to read, hoping that I would be able to get tired enough to fall back asleep.

While reading I came across this verse: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my  righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)

The past few weeks have honestly been quite hellish for me. On March 1st, I was admitted into the hospital for DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis). This basically means I wasn't taking care of my Type 1 Diabetes like I should've been doing and my blood sugars got too high and wouldn't come back down. I spent the rest of the week in the hospital trying to get better.

I then came home for my spring break to hopefully relax and get my health back in shape before the rest of the semester. However, little did I know that another blow would be waiting for me. Just yesterday morning, my boyfriend of six months called me over to his place and broke up with me. I won't go into details, but obviously, it hurt. A lot. I spent the rest of the day crying in bed and unwilling to motivate myself to do anything, really. So I assume that's why I couldn't really sleep tonight. With all of this on my mind, it makes it hard to relax enough to want to sleep.

It was right after I read that verse above that I felt God with me. I felt His presence near me as I cried while reading that verse over and over again. He placed His hand on my shoulder and whispered:

"Kaitlyn, my beautiful daughter, do not worry. Do not fear. I am with you every step of the way. I will not let you fall. Trust in me. Lean on me. Cast all your burdens on me and I will make you whole again. Do not worry or stress about what is to come. It is all in My hands. Let My will be done. I will never forsake you."

Those words He spoke over me soothed my soul. I know that healing my heart will take time. But I also know that I have a God on my side that will always be there for me no matter what.

So, I decided that I am going to take five specific steps in my life to make myself whole again.

1. I'm going to start living a healthier lifestyle.

There is no need for me to allow myself to wallow in self-pity or guilt and eat all the junk food I can manage. While I may indulge once or twice, I've decided to start working on becoming a healthier me. So, I'm going to start eating right and exercising more often. I honestly want to start running again and start training for 5ks, 10ks, and maybe even a half-marathon. This way, too, my diabetes will be better managed and I won't be feeling so run down anymore.

2. I'm going to spend time with friends.

I haven't done that much this semester (or even last semester) and I feel awful about that. I believe that healing myself will come more easily if I am surrounded by those whom I love and who love me back. So, I'm going to start going out with friends more, taking more adventures with them and just kicking back and having fun.

3. I'm going to dig into the Word.

This one is important. I feel that my spiritual health has also been declining recently and I am so ashamed of that. So, I'm going to start reading my Bible daily and start praying endlessly to God. He needs to become number one in my life again and I'm going to make sure that happens as soon as possible.

4. I'm going to forgive.

This one is also very important. I'm the type of person who can and will hold a grudge for a very long time. I need to learn how to undo that and control my feelings better. So, I'm going to start by forgiving myself. I can't blame myself for everything that has happened. It's not fair to me. And it just drags me down even more than I already am dragged down by current situations. I'm also going to forgive those who may have hurt me. There's no need for me to be angry at all these people all the time. It's not healthy. And if I do continue to be angry and hold a grudge, I won't be able to properly move on with my life.

5. I'm going to love myself.

We all have issues of self-worth. When my boyfriend broke up with me, all I could think was "I'm obviously not good enough. What's wrong with me? What happened? He deserves better than me." et cetera, et cetera. I was beating myself down. I told myself that I wasn't worthy of his (or anybody's) attention. That I didn't deserve to love and be loved in return. When, in reality, that is so not true. I deserve all of that and more. So, on this road to healing, I'm going to love myself. I'm going to work on boosting my self-confidence so that I can proclaim every minute of every hour of every day that "I am worth loving."

It's time for me to take a step back and start healing. And it may be time for some of you to do that as well. All I can say is: Kudos to you for taking that step. I know (I swear I do) that making that decision was a hard one. Sometimes, all we want to do is be upset and hurt and angry. But if we allow ourselves to do that, we will never move forward in life and will continue to hurt others along the way.

Be on the lookout for another post in the upcoming weeks about my progress to healing. These past few weeks were a wake up call for me. I'm ready to take on life and to make myself whole again, with friends, family, and most importantly, God, by my side every step of the way.

Needy and Free

Yes, you read that right.

I, Kaitlyn, am needy.

I am so needy, actually, that's it's quite embarrassing to some people.

But, you see, the things that I'm needy for, aren't the things that other people are needy for.

What I'm needy for is:

Friendship.

Quiet time.

My Bible.

Family.

Life.

And most importantly, I'm needy for God.

Yep. God. I find myself in constant need of Him in my life. I cannot go a day without Him. He is my rock and my refuge.

See, some people believe that they do not need God to live their lives. They believe that if they have a great career, a good home, a fantastic family, then there in no need for a higher power in their individual lives. But, without God, they lack something vitally important.

The something is a desire for a purpose for life or a lasting significance.

Without God, there is no purpose for life whatsoever. Which basically means that we are accidents in this world.

But we're not. We are not accidents. We were designed. And since we were designed, we now have purpose for living.

To find your purpose in life is quite difficult sometimes. Trust me. There are days when I go around wondering what I am doing with my life. And then there are days in which I know exactly what I am doing, where I am going and who I am.

There are days when I just want to stay in bed because I feel like there's no point in taking on the day. And then there are days when I jump out of bed with a smile on my face, ready to get things done.

But there is one thing that stays the same: my purpose for God.

You see, we were put on this earth to serve Him. He created us. He sent His one and only Son to die for us. He deserves something in return. He deserves our praise and our devotion to Him.

My purpose for God is to go out and spread His word. I am called to make disciples in His name. Jesus called all of us to make disciples. In Matthew 28:19 He says: "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit".

That is my purpose in life.

To serve God and by doing so, bringing others to Him.

That is why I need God. I need Him because without Him, I would not have a purpose in my life. I would be without desire to live. I wouldn't want to be on this world without Him.

Today at church, this whole idea of needing God in my life was brought home by one song. Matt Maher's "Lord, I Need You". (Great title, huh?)

Click here to listen to the song. One verse particularly sticks out to me:

"And where You are, Lord I am free
Holiness, is Christ in me."

Those two lines are everything to me. Everything.

I am free in Christ. I am holy because Christ is in me. I am not chained down by my sins or my transgressions. No matter what I go through in life, I have Christ and Christ lives in me.

I AM FREE BECAUSE OF CHRIST.

I am going to shout it from the rooftops.

I. AM. FREE. BECAUSE. CHRIST. DIED. FOR. ME.

And you! You are free because Christ died for you!

Basically, that's what this life is all about. We live because He died.

So....LIVE.

In His love.

Enough

Do you remember in elementary school when we would decorate shoeboxes so that on Valentine's Day our classmates would be able to drop in little cards or candies for us?

I do.

I remember loving the day when I would get to give out my Valentine's cards to my classmates and in return they would give one back to me. We were required to make a card for everyone in the class so that no one would ever feel left out. It was the perfect way to love on each other no matter what was going on.

Then comes middle school, junior high and high school. We weren't required to make cards for everyone anymore. You only got a Valentine from your closest friends or your boyfriend/girlfriend. Valentine's Day ended up being a way to measure your worth--an unspoken contest to see who would get the most cards from people.

However, these days, we don't need shoeboxes for that. We have social media. We count the number of likes we get on an Instagram picture; we count the number of retweets, the number of repins, the number of followers we have. Everything boils down to numbers. We base our relationships on numbers and the idea of quid pro quo-- "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours". We only give as much as we receive. We like to keep the scales balanced. Our memories are long--thus we know what we are owed and what we owe.

But see, here's the thing:

Real love, it cannot be measured.

In Psalms, it is said: "Your steadfast love, O LORD, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds" (Psalms 3:19). God's love for us is immeasurable. It goes far beyond our comprehension. It stretches into forever, towards eternity future.

His love is one that holds no bars. He gives us everything, to the point of sacrificing His own son. At the cross, the perfect love of the triune God was shown most vividly as the Son bore each of our sins for us. This is unquantifiable, immeasurable love.

Our love for others comes from God. There is a passage in 1 John that I absolutely love and turn to every time that I need encouragement or need to feel loved.

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God...This is love: not that we loved God but that he loved us...God is love...We love because he first loved us." (1 John 4:7-21)

We cannot truly love apart from Him. Only when we live and abide in His love may we begin to love others.

Which brings me to my next point:

We are enough for God.

We. Are. ENOUGH.

We spend our human lives wanting to be enough for people...for our peers. We want to be skinny enough, pretty enough, tall enough, funny enough, etc. We base our self-worth on being "pretty enough".

Here's the catch:

You are NOT defined by those six letters.

One of my favorite singers, Britt Nicole, says this: "We get so worried about being pretty. Let's be pretty kind. Pretty funny. Pretty smart. Pretty strong."

We need to stop focusing on the idea of being enough for humans and for society and we need to start focusing on realizing that we are enough for God.

He tells us in Song of Solomon: "You are altogether beautiful, my love. There is no flaw in you." (4:7)

God made us in His image. When we hate ourselves, we are ultimately rejecting Him and His creation.

The word pretty is unworthy of everything that you will become. It is unworthy of everything that you are right at this moment.

Darling, you are:

pretty intelligent

pretty creative

pretty freakin' amazing

So, let's stop asking: Am I pretty enough?

Let's proclaim to society that we are MORE than enough. We are the sons and daughters of a King who "made everything beautiful in its time" (Ecclesiastes 3:11). We were made special and with a unique purpose.

My friend Blake posted a new spoken word this week which I think everyone needs to hear. You can find it by clicking HERE.

But, for this Valentine's Day, as society around us keeps tally of love, let us not forget that God's love for us is greater than we can ever imagine. It is more than the stars in the sky. It's immeasurable, steadfast and permanent. God's love for us keeps no record, because in Jesus, our debts have been marked: "paid in full".

In His Love.

Chaser

Let me officially say, welcome to a new year.

I know that it has been a while since I posted last and I would vehemently apologize for it, but the thing is, I enjoyed some time off from this blog. I got to spend it with family and friends and was able to enjoy myself for a month or two.

But, I am back now, and I cannot wait to start posting more!

So, what better way to start off this new year then by talking about what it means to move forward in life rather than being stuck in a moment.

Let's talk about what it means to be "chasing daylight".

This morning, I woke up super early (like 6 am early...and it's a holiday!!) so I could sit outside on my porch and watch the sunrise. I grabbed my cup of coffee, my bible and my journal and settled in for a good, long talk with my Creator. Little did I know, that my life and goals were about to change for the better.

One of my New Years resolutions was to (once again) read the bible from start to finish. I've done it once before about 4-5 years ago and thought why not do it again, now that I have a better understand of who God is in my life.

So I started off in the book of Deuteronomy, in chapter 30. (This is where I had left off the other night while reading.) I got to a particular passage in this chapter and let me just say, I was blown away. Here is the passage:

"See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction. For I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in His ways, and to keep His commands, decrees and laws; then you will live and increase, and the Lord your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess. 

"But if your heart turns away and you are not obedient, and if you are drawn away to bow down to other gods and worship them, I declare to you this day that you will certainly be destroyed. You will not live long....

"...Now choose life, so that you and your children may live...For the Lord is your life..." (Deuteronomy 30: 15-20)

In this passage, God is pointing to two different paths. One will be a journey that parts ways from Him and the other leads to a journey in which He will part the way. One points to death, the other points to life.

There are three words I would like to focus on, though. Three words that are passed on from God to us, His people: "Now choose life".

Those words are life-changing to me. God isn't just telling me to live a life focused on Him and His word. He is telling me:

"Kaitlyn, you were born to live a great adventure; you were created with a divine destiny; You are called to fulfill a great mission. You were designed, by Me, for a unique purpose. Now, you are called to live it out."

In those words from before, God is telling us that right now, in this moment, put away the baggage from the past, shake ourselves free from the fear of the future unknown. Right now, choose life--seize divine moments.

To relive the past is to relinquish the future. If you are willing to let go of the past, then you are ready to step into the future. When you choose to remain stuck in a moment, you become incapable of seizing divine moments.

This morning, during my quiet time with God, I found that I want to stop living in the past. I want to stop reliving moments over and over again, wondering what I could have done differently to avoid some regretful actions and decisions. I want to move forward. I want to dare to look into the future. And if the future scares me, then I'll just take it one moment at a time. 

We were designed to move forwards in time, never to move backwards, nor to stay stuck in a moment. We were designed to chase the daylight--to chase our futures and to chase our dreams. 

I want to be a chaser.

So, here's a question for you:

In your moment of truth, what will you choose? Will you choose the wilderness or the adventure? Have you confused the blessing of God with wealth, comfort, and security? Have you considered that God's greatest gift to you is that He calls you to be a pioneer, explorer, and even creator?

There are things God does for you and things that God waits for you to do. The journey begins when you choose. Stop wasting daylight. Choose a life of meaningful adventure. When you do, you will live in the epicenter of God's activity.

In His love.

Superhero

In my last post, I talked about the sin of comparison and of jealousy. I realized (with some help from a friend), a few days later, that I only discussed the evils of the sins. Now, inherently, all sins are evil. That's something that we cannot argue. However, for a little while, I want to discuss the differences between jealousy and admiration, between unhealthy comparisons and healthy comparisons, between idols and role models.

In order to move forward in our spiritual growth, we, as Christians, need to appreciate the value of a role model.

We are called to emulate others ("Dear brothers and sisters, pattern your lives after mine, and learn from those who follow our example." -Philippians 3:17), even as they sought to emulate Christ ("I am so glad that you always keep me in your thoughts, and that you are following the teachings I passed on to you." -1 Corinthians 11:1).

Now, you may be wondering why we are commanded to imitate others. It's probably because, as humans, we are natural imitators. As children, we pick up on our parents' mannerisms and begin to imitate them. As teenagers, we (whether good or bad) seek to imitate our peers and those celebrities we hold in high regard. Then, as Christians, we usually seem to imitate those people we hold in high regard (such as preachers or elders).

However, we should look at the value of role models, as we are supposed to be careful with whom we imitate.

We are supposed to look at good role models. These are people who:

1. By example, show us what is possible.

        An example of this is of John who, in the book of Mark, was called a son of thunder (Mark 3:17) and then, as time goes on, grows and matures into an apostle of love (1 John 4:7-8).

2. By example, each us how to reach the same goals. Goals such as:

         a. enjoying a relationship with God. ("Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me--everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you." -Philippians 4:9)
   
         b. remaining steadfast in the midst of trials. ("That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So, we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever." -2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

You see, there is a difference between being jealous of someone and admiring them.

Let's go back to my friend, Blake. He loves Eminem. Is he jealous of Eminem? No. Does he want to be Eminem? No. He says that he and Eminem "use the skill of rhyming in different ways and stand for different ideals. But I still compare myself to him because it makes me better".

Choose to imitate someone who makes you a better you. That's what makes for healthy comparisons.

I like to use the term superhero to describe my role models. They are my superheroes--the people I look up to for my faith, my relationships, and a lot of my life. They are people who, while I was in my depression, were the ones to encourage me and to lift me out of the dark hole I had dug myself in to.

So, whether you are a "superhero" to someone else or you find a "superhero" in someone else, just remember:

Admiration is productive. Jealousy is destructive. 

Choose love. Choose life. Choose positivity.

In His Love.

Thankful

So, it's my first Friday night back at school and I'm sitting in my room by myself. Down the road, there's a back-to-school dance going on; there's a huge volleyball match right outside my window; people were baking cookies earlier in the kitchen. There's a lot of stuff going on tonight, but I decided to stay in. Part of the reason is because I have an awful headache and a fever, so I don't feel so well. And the other part is because I wanted to spend time in the Word. I haven't done that a lot recently, and I felt like tonight was a perfect night to do so.

So here I am. With my mug full of hot tea, my Bible opened, my praise music on, and my new devotional already covered in my handwriting.

I started my time with my Father by opening my journal and working on my Thankful List.

Now, many of you may be wondering what a Thankful List is and I'm happy to explain.

About a year ago, one of my very best friends told me about this list she had been keeping where she wrote down everything she is thankful for. Obviously, I was intrigued. She told me that whenever something that she took for granted or just was happy about, she would write it on the list. The challenge was to find 1000 things to be thankful for. Yes, you can repeat things. (You're allowed to be thankful for something more than once in your life.)

So, the next day, I found a journal that I was going to discard because I honestly didn't want to look at it anymore. (Note: I'm about to go into a side-tracked story for you to understand why I wanted to get rid of the journal.) 

On the front of it was the logo for Winshape, the Christian program at my school. You have to apply to be in this program and I did so. I even got as far as the interview process. I got to spend two days at this wonderful place where college students spent their days with each other praising God and having fun. 

To put it plainly, I fell in love with Winshape and the people there. I wanted to be a part of it. I wanted it like nothing I've ever wanted before.

After the interview process, they told us that we would be contacted in a few months for whether we got in or not. I anxiously waited for that letter. I checked the mail obsessively for weeks. I got a care package from them which contained a sticker for my car and this journal, among other little things. I was so optimistic that I went ahead and put the sticker on my car's back windshield.

Then the letter came. It was too thin. I knew without even opening it that I hadn't made it. I could barely even open it because I was shaking so badly. Once I finally opened it and read those heartbreaking few sentences, I broke down. I cried and cried and cried. I felt betrayed by God. I thought He had wanted me there. I thought that He pushed me that far because He wanted me to be a part of Winshape. 

That rejection hurt. A lot. I didn't want to look at anything to do with Winshape for a few weeks. It hurt to tell those friends I made while at the interview process that I didn't make it. I couldn't talk to any of them without breaking down and crying.

I threw away the letters from Winshape, and most of the stuff they had sent me save for a devotional, that car sticker and the journal.

It wasn't until that day that I found the journal, that I realized how thankful I was for the opportunity to interview with Winshape. Not many people get that far and I did. Obviously, God didn't want me there at that time, and I realized last year, that Winshape wasn't meant for me at all. God has bigger and better plans for me and my life, so I put my trust in Him that He knows what they are.

But anyway, after realizing that, I opened this journal and started my 1000 Things to be Thankful For list. And let me say, it's something that I treasure. I will admit that it's hard sometimes. It's been a year and I'm only halfway through the list. Somedays, I feel like I don't have something to be thankful for. But I try to write at least one thing per day no matter what.

And the cool thing is that this list can include everything from serious things to downright silly things. For example (as you can see from my pictures), I wrote down things from Subway to life in general, from my roommate to One Direction, from my faith to bubble baths. We have so so much to give thanks to.

I wrote about 15 things tonight and I'll probably write more after this post. But, my devotional tonight actually dealt with being thankful. I read so many verses about thankfulness and I am so happy that I live in a world under a God who has given me so much to be thankful for.

Take a look at these 20 verses on thankfulness:

1 Thessalonians 5:18

Psalm 107:1

Ephesians 5:20

Colossians 3:15-17

James 1:17

Philippians 4:6

2 Corinthians 9:15

Psalm 106:1

Psalm 105:1

Colossians 4:2

Psalm 118:1-18

Psalm 20:4

Psalm 30:12

Colossians 3:17

Romans 1:21

Psalm 100:4

Isaiah 12:4-5

1 Chronicles 29:13

Philemon 1:4

That is twenty (TWENTY) verse about being thankful. And I'm sure there are many many more. The ability to be thankful and to express thanks to our Lord is pretty cool and I want to be able to remember to do it every day. I want to wake up each morning and tell God thanks for just giving me another day to live. I want to go to bed every night and tell Him thanks for everything that happened that day. And I plan on doing both those things everyday now.

Trust me, every one of you reading this is on my Thankful List. I love you guys immensely and I thank you for letting me vent or just express my feelings or thoughts towards you guys. Y'all really are great.

Be thankful for what and who you have in your life. Don't take anything for granted. And live a full life.

In His love,

Kaitlyn