Sweetly Broken

Happy Discounted Chocolate Day!

(This is actually one of my favorite days of the year. That, and the day after Halloween.)

I should also probably say a late Happy Valentine's Day to all of you. It was only yesterday but, to me, it honestly feels like much longer.

I didn't post a Valentine's post last year, but the two years before last, I made sure to post on Valentine's Day about being enough and it being okay to be single of the most "romantic" holiday of the year. I didn't post last year because I was dating someone and I didn't really feel the need to post anything. However, this year, I want to talk just a little about some things that have been on my heart.

Yes, I am dating someone currently and yes, it is someone different than a year ago and someone different than a few months ago. I won't go in to much detail about our relationship, mostly because I want to keep it between us, but also because my relationship is not the subject of this post. I will share a few tidbits throughout this post, but don't expect much else. (If you really want to know, come and ask me or my boyfriend.)

So...Valentine's Day, huh?

A few years ago, I would've laughed and called it "Singles Awareness Day" or "Discounted Chocolate Eve". I would've made extensive plans with my friends and we would've made a night out of it eating chocolate, ice cream and laughing about boys. I would've struggled a bit throughout the day knowing I was single and that the day was meant for couples. I would've cried that night because I would've felt that nobody found me good enough to date.

However, this year, while partly the same, was also different. I have a boyfriend. So, I really should have someone to celebrate this day with, right? Wrong.

My boyfriend lives in Auburn. I live in Rome. We live a (long but short) 140 miles away from each other. He works full time. I attend school full time. We each have busy lives and we really can't see each other during the weekdays and have to settle for short weekend visits. Even then, sometimes we are too busy anyways and won't see each other for weeks at a time. It's hard being in a long distance relationship. And it's really crappy when Valentine's Day falls on the middle of the week.

(Please understand that I'm not complaining about having to be long distance. In fact, I think the long distance makes our relationship grow stronger. Our trust in each other grows every day. And I love the anticipation of seeing him after a long week or two without him.)

So, Valentine's Day was a Tuesday this year. I wasn't very happy about it because I couldn't see my boyfriend to celebrate with him and have a date night. We had already planned on having a date night this weekend when we saw each other again. We made plans to stay in, make homemade pizza and watch movies all night. It was going to be okay.

Except, for me, it wasn't.

I woke up feeling fine, but going throughout my day, I just kept feeling more and more upset about the holiday. I kept seeing girls with roses and boxes of candy and balloons and stuffed animals walking around campus. I saw couples holding hands and eating lunch together. I saw posts ALL OVER social media about couples and presents and their Valentine's date nights. (I mean, I posted a Valentine's Instagram pic too, but it was a throwback pic--most of the ones I was seeing were from that very day.) I was struggling to keep my composure throughout the day.

There was a part of my heart wishing the my boyfriend would surprise me at Berry with flowers and a hug and a date night. I mean, he had the day off and he could surprise me after I got out of class, right? I spent the entire day yesterday wishing and hoping that he would surprise me. That's the kind of person he is anyways. He surprises me with amazing gestures and in my heart, something like driving up to surprise me on Valentine's Day would be no different.

I knew I was being stupid to hope for so much. So in last minute efforts, I decided to get dinner with friends and hang out with them that night. I told my boyfriend and he was excited for me and told me, "go have fun, baby. You deserve it." That's when my heart kind of broke in two. I knew for sure that he wasn't going to surprise me up here. I shouldn't have been as upset as I was and I knew I was being irrational.

But I went and had fun with my friends. We ate dinner, got Starbucks and went to play with puppies for the rest of the night. I laughed; I smiled; I had a genuinely good time with them. Yet, when I got home and got in bed, I was still feeling a little heartbroken. I was purposefully being short with my boyfriend, though he never really asked what was wrong. I went to bed early (earlier than usual), as I didn't feel like doing any homework, and hoped that I could sleep off this feeling of heartbreak.

I will go ahead and say that I woke up in a much better mood this morning. Those feelings are gone now and I know I was being stupid yesterday for feeling those things.

So, I know I just bored you with a story about my Valentine's Day, but I wanted to let you guys in on a little secret:

No matter if you are in a relationship, if you are single, if it's just complicated, Valentine's Day doesn't have to be a crappy holiday. Make plans with your friends or just go treat yourself! You deserve it all and more.

I'll say it again, real love cannot be measured. In Psalms, it is said: "Your steadfast love, O LORD, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds" (Psalms 3:19). God's love for us is immeasurable. It goes far beyond our comprehension. It stretches into forever, towards eternity future.

His love is one that holds no bars. He gives us everything, to the point of sacrificing His own son. At the cross, the perfect love of the triune God was shown most vividly as the Son bore each of our sins for us. This is unquantifiable, immeasurable love.

We are enough. We are more than enough. We may be broken as humans of this earth, but you see...we are sweetly broken and wholly surrendered. 

God loves us no matter what; No matter our pasts; No matter our presents; And no matter our futures. He loves us unconditionally and that's what we need to tell ourselves every single day, not just on Valentine's Day. 

Let's proclaim to society that we are MORE than enough. We are the sons and daughters of a King who "made everything beautiful in its time" (Ecclesiastes 3:11). We were made special and with a unique purpose.

As soon as I woke up this morning, I proclaimed that I am loved by a perfect God and that I am enough for this world. 

I may not have been able to spend Valentine's Day with my boyfriend and I may have not gotten flowers or candy or any presents on that day, but I know I don't have to worry about that with him. He makes me feel special and loved every other day of the week and I know he has fun plans for us this weekend. 

So ladies (and fellas), do not worry about Valentine's Day. Find that one person that makes you feel loved every day of the year not just on the day they are supposed to. And if that person does not exist for you yet, know that God loves you anyways and always. So, trust in that.

In His Name,

Silent

My breath was taken away tonight. I got to witness and be a part of one of the most amazing nights of my life so far.

Tonight was "Silent Night" at the Berry College chapel. For those who don't know what "Silent Night" is, I will explain it in just a bit. 

A group known as Imprinted Blog set this all up and I honestly was a bit unsure of it at first. I mean, I'm a busy college student. I don't have time to go to a two hour event in the evening. Then, a friend texted me last week if I was going as she didn't want to go alone, and I told her that I was. So, tonight, I picked up my bible and my coffee mug and set off to the chapel with her to see what this night was going to hold for me.

And boy, was I pleasantly surprised. 

These people had set up a table with treats and free coffee. (I KNOW. I was too excited about free food and coffee.)

Anyway, there were also stations set up around the chapel. And the goal was to follow them around the chapel in a counter-clockwise fashion. So, armed with coffee and a clear mind, we set off on a journey of reflection. 

These stations were mesmerizing and so, so eye-opening. From handling balls of clay and focusing in on what it means to be moldable in the Potter's hands to writing letters to friends and family and those who need it. Every station was its own kind of revelation in myself and who I was in God. I was able to dig deep into the Word and focus on what He was telling me. I was able to hear Him in the silence. 

Out of all the stations, there was one that was my absolute favorite. We were asked to go into a room and focus on the names God gives us. Immediately, I thought back to my blog. Obviously, as you guys know, my blog is titled "Hello, My Name Is..." and every post is a different name I am given by God. I couldn't write all of those names down and they were all swirling in my head.

We were told that once we figure out a name, we should write it on the mirror in the room. Already, the mirror had names liked "lovely", "son", and "friend" on it. As soon as my eyes landed on the mirror, I knew what name God wanted me to write. And thus, I wrote "DIVINE". 

(Later on during the night, I would go on to write the phrase "broken but beloved" on a color swatch an stick it to another board.)

Divine means so many things to me and while I haven't written a blog post about it yet, I'm sure I will do so in the future. God calls me divine and I couldn't be happier.

I spent the last half hour in the chapel focusing on what God was saying to me. I was brought to my knees in the pews and poured out my heart to God. I released my burdens and placed my anxious heart into His hands. I opened my Bible to the cover page and saw another thing that I don't place much thought into. The cover page of my Bible is covered in verses of some of my favorite worship songs. I would write them down after hearing a song I particularly like. I don't think much about it until I looked at it tonight and the words "Come as you are" stared back at me. 

I once again broke down in tears. For so many weeks I would go to church as someone I'm not. I want to please a certain crowd. I dress the part and play the part of a good Christian. I bury my sins deep down and act like they never happened. Those words in my Bible reminded me that I don't need to hide myself from Christ. He knows my innermost thoughts. There's no hiding from him. 

God is so good to me when I don't deserve it. He speaks to me in the silence and all I need to do is shut up and listen. Tonight was one of those moments when I realized that and more. I think we all need a little silence in our lives. It allows us to truly hear God and to reflect on everything happening in our lives.

In His Name.

Patient

I am definitely one of those people that says "patience is a virtue". I believe that everything will happen in its own time and that God has a plan for everything.

However, I feel that, at this time in our nation, we need to be practicing patience more than anything. Things are a little crazy and I'm finding it hard be patient. With the election happening today and with graduation less than six months away (OMG), I find myself getting more and more stressed and wanting to get it all over and done with.

So, let's talk about what it means to be patient in our lives.

Patience is not a personality trait…

Despite our great wish that it could be so simple to excuse it’s absence in us. It does not come naturally or easily to any us. It is a character trait. It must be developed, honed, grown, tried, tested, proven. We are, naturally, selfish creatures, desiring our own way in our own timing always. Conscious effort must be made to flourish Patience. And how is Patience grown? In trials of course! Trials breed Patience, patience keeps us safe in trials. It is a cycle of growth, with each struggle we become equipped to handle the next. With each one growing in strength of character until we are who we were made to be.

It's not laziness or "passive waiting"...

And it's not a hardship, no matter what we all believe...

 Yes, patience will carry us through hardship, but do not get the idea that in accepting the task of learning Patience that you are subjecting yourself to a dismal existence. No! Patience is the very force that enables us to be able to live gloriously though all around you be broken. For Patience sees through the present gloom into the future brightness. Patience doesn’t just smile bravely as hell breaks loose around you. Patience smiles with a secret that it knows, though no one else can see it. Living in Patience is like living in the week before Christmas. The present is still a mystery, yet there is that package under the tree; bright, shiny, making you smile with anticipation whenever you think of it. You cannot open the present today, but you know that it is prepared for you. And so you are happy. THAT is Patience.

One of my favorite verses is in James. It says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" (James 1:2-4).

STORY TIME!

About two weeks ago, I received a call from my mother. It was like any normal call except for the very end. Apparently, we were having some financial aid issues and we lost some grant money that we were supposed to receive to help pay for my education at Berry. There was miscommunication through everyone and for a little bit, I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to finish my senior year.

I didn't want to be patient about any of it. I wanted things to figure themselves out and I didn't want to worry about any of it! I mean, isn't that what anybody would be wishing for??

So, I had to go meet with my financial advisor and figure things out and eventually had to write an appeal letter to Berry to try and get grants or loans to help me and my family out. It was stressful and I was on the edge of my seat for about a week.

Fast forward to today.

I was laying in bed and watching a movie, not really doing much of anything. I heard my phone ring, notifying me of an email from someone at Berry. I opened it and saw an email from financial aid and immediately my heart started pounding. I didn't want to open it. I just assumed that it would be bad news. However, I built up the courage and opened the email... And you know what?

My appeal was approved! That's right, Berry granted me more financial aid to help with my education and I will still be able to graduate on time next May!

After opening that email, I began to sob. Literally sob in my bed. I was so overwhelmed with everything that I just broke down.

Guys...God is so so good. I felt so stupid for being stressed out about this thing in life. I really should've trusted God with the weight of those burdens. Yet, I took it all upon myself to carry those weights.

You see, that story can apply to the rest of life. Especially with this election going on right now.

We need to stop stressing and worrying about everything. Yes, this election is crazy and yes, there are awful things going on in this country. But, we need to cast all those burdens on the Lord.

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)

"Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken." (Psalm 55:22)

We need to come together and be patient. We should not fear anything that happens on this world. For we have a heavenly world waiting for us. The bible clearly says "do not fear" 365 times. That is enough for every day of the year. 

So, let us not fear the future. Let us not worry about whatever will happen with this election. Let's cast all our anxieties upon the Lord and trust that He has the perfect plan for us. 

And remember, Christ is King. He will not forsake us. 

In His Name.

Don't Settle: An Open Letter to Girls Who Deserve Better

Dear You,

I’ve heard that you’re struggling. With a lot. Boys, friendships, family, and just plain old life. I’ve heard that there are days when you just want to give up on everything. Days when you lay in bed and wonder if it’s worth getting up for the day. Days when everything just seems to go wrong. 

Trust me, sweet girl, I’ve been there. I really have. 

This letter is for all the girls out there who feel like they aren’t worthy of love. It’s for the girls who are in love, yet doubt anyways. It’s for the ones who are broken-hearted. It’s for those girls who are still wishing for their Prince Charming. It’s for the hopeless romantics. It’s for the hopeful romantics. It’s even for those who are happy. And, sweetheart? This letter…it’s specifically for you.

Let’s be honest here, girls. We love to fall in love. We want to be desired by someone else. And I’m not just talking about girls here. And I’m also not just talking about women. I am talking about the human population as a whole. We love to love. And even more, we love to be loved. But you know what our problem is? We are settling. That’s right, we, girls, are settling. We are settling for that guy who hold doors behind them rather than in front of them. We are settling for “surface relationships” when we should be looking for deeper moments and deeper conversations. We are settling for “talking” to a guy when we should have a “let’s do something about this” kind of mindset. We are settling for having a “thing” when we should have a “I’ll be on my way” mindset. We are texting. We are snapchatting. We are stalking Instagram posts. How about we not settle for social media flirting? If a guy really likes you (and I mean, really likes you), he will like the real you more than the social media you. We, as humans on this world, are settling for that 21st century relationship when what we really should be searching for in an everlasting love. 

Baby girl, love is a two way street. Treat others as you want to be treated. We should be treated by guys how we have desired to be treated for the longest time and we should also be willing to return this treatment back to them. You can’t go around expecting a breathtaking love story if he in the only contributor to it. And he shouldn’t expect that either if you are the only one writing in that story. Don’t believe the lies that the world and Satan tries to tell you. Don’t believe them when they tell you how unrealistic a Christ-like man is. Just because you crave a more meaningful relationship than most of the world, doesn’t mean that you are living in a fantasy. Don’t believe those awful lies. See, the thing is, you just have higher standards. And that’s okay. One day, you will see those high standards turn into a high-valued relationship. 

Here’s another painful truth: relationships end. They end, darling. And there isn’t a thing we can do to change that. You can’t be looking towards a full life while also hoping for no heartbreak. Without heartbreak, there can be no lessons learned for us. Relationships end; you cry; you hurt; you move forwards. Relationships end because God did not have them in His will for you. Maybe your sense of humor doesn’t match their’s. Not your fault. Maybe you’re too extroverted. Not your fault. When you settle in a relationship, you are saying that you are too scared that no one else will love you like they do. You are staying out of fear. When you settle, your emptiness and your absence of fulfillment isn’t his problem. It’s yours. Yes, I’m going to be blunt about that: it’s yours. We can blame others. We can totally blame it on their mistakes and their lack of love. But when you settle—oh, when you settle—you are only hurting yourself that much more. 

Let me tell you…you do not deserve a 21st century relationship. I’m going to repeat it. You. Do not. Deserve a 21st century relationship. You don’t deserve those “read receipts” or those “likes” on Twitter or Instagram. You know what you deserve? You deserve a love-centered relationship—one centered on something greater than both of you combined! You don’t deserve to be cheated on. Under any circumstances. Ever. You deserve a guy who would never think of leaving you. I’m serious. You deserve to be appreciated and loved for who you are; not judged by your compassion, intelligence, or beauty. You do not deserve to feel like the only one in the relationship. You deserve to feel like there is someone else putting in the effort. Putting in 100% on the other side. You definitely do not deserve a car honk or a text saying “here”. You deserve a doorbell ring. You do not deserve to be treated “less than” anything. You deserve to be treated like the most important person in the world. No matter what. 

Sweetie, there will be someone who will do what he won’t. If he isn’t kind to waiters at a restaurant, there is someone who is. If he doesn’t shake hands and make good eye contact with your parents, there will be someone who does. It he doesn’t bother to pull the chair out for you, someone else will make sure to do it. If he is someone who cancels on you quite often, there will be someone who will always show up ten minutes early. If he doesn’t walk you to the door because it’s too old-fashioned, there will be someone who believes the opposite. If he doesn’t remember those small details (like the way you take you coffee or your favorite Skittle flavor), just know that there will be a guy in whom you’ll be so surprised because they know so much about you. If this guy doesn’t go out of his way for you, just know that there is someone else who will make it his priority to go out of his way just for you.

Here’s my advice to you: If you wouldn’t marry them, don’t date them. If you look at him and you wouldn’t want to wake up to their…personality, every day, of every week, for the rest of your life, please don’t waste your time now. If you look at him and wouldn’t want your future kids to be just like him, don’t waste your time now. Darling, just wait. Wait for someone that you would never associate the word “settle” with. Wait. Wait instead of settling for the wrong guy. Wait, because out there, there is someone who will look at you in a way that you never knew was possible. Wait, because there is bound to be something greater, a relationship between true loves, and not those “love to be loved” type of people. Wait, because there is someone out there who would never (NEVER) allow you to settle. Wait. Because if he won’t, then you can be sure that someone else will. 

Love,    

Someone who has been in your shoes

Happy

Hey guys! With Easter right around the corner (TOMORROW!!), I wanted to write a quick blog post about something I've been focusing on quite recently in my life.

As humans living in this world, we tend to get caught up in the negatives of our lives. We dwell on them and let them drown out everything else in our lives. Personally, my last few weeks have been filled with getting over a harsh break-up, stressing over tests and school work, wondering about the future (aka--senior year at college) and much much more. I was letting these events in my life overtake the happy things.

This past week, however, I took time to write out the things that make me happy. It's so easy to pick out things that make me unhappy, but until we truly think hard about it, those things overwhelm us. Trust me, there are a lot more things in life to be happy and to laugh about. So many more than we actually realize! Like I've said before, it's the little things in life that make us most happy.

So, here is a list of 50 things that make me happy. (What are yours?)

1. A warm cup of coffee in the morning
2. Freshly dried laundry
3. A warm, sunshiny day
4. The first blooms of Spring
5. Laughing to the point that your abs ache
6. Bible journaling
7. A long talk with an old friend
8. The smell of coffee shops (I love coffee--sue me)
9. The smell of an old book
10. Dates with my siblings
11. Baking cookies in the middle of the night
12. Sales at clothing stores
13. Shopping at thrift stores
14. Pancakes
15. Hammocking in a park
16. Running around with bare feet
17. Freshly mowed grass
18. Thunderstorms
19. Afternoon naps
20. Having butterflies in my stomach
21. Long, hot showers
22. Reading my Bible
23. Going to church on Sunday mornings
24. Cooking
25. And baking!
26. Sunrises
27. Sunsets
28. Driving with the top down in my car
29. Singing along to the radio
30. Dance parties
31. Looking at old photographs
32. Waking up in the middle of the night and realizing you can go back to sleep
33. Finding a verse that fits perfectly with your current situation
34. Worship music
35. Random acts of kindness
36. Surviving another school year
37. Heart to hearts with parents/grandparents
38. Long hugs
39. Forehead kisses
40. Realizing how blessed this life is
41. Knowing that God has a hold on me
42. Dressing up and going out
43. Feeling pretty
44. Wearing lipstick
45. The mornings that you can lay in the bed for hours
46. Finishing a good book
47. Netflix marathons
48. Working out
49. Feeling confident
50. Painting

So yeah, those are my top 50. I could write so many more. But, I'll spare you from reading all of that. Basically, whatever you are going through...whether it be a bad break-up (which is my case), an awful school year/semester, etc...take the time to write out what makes you happy. And by the time you get into it, you'll find yourself smiling more and more. 

Don't be afraid to be happy again if you're going through a rough patch. God wants us to be happy and wants us to realize that He has better things in store for us. All it takes is time. 

I like to go back to this verse whenever I'm struggling. I hope it encourages you as well:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." (James 1:2-3)

In His name. 

Recovering

I told you guys I'd be back with an update. ;)

I know it's only been about a week, but I have something to share with you all. Something that's really important for everyone to understand and to know.

On Tuesday, I was able to make it through the day without having a legit emotional breakdown. I smiled, laughed, and ultimately forgot about things that happened only a few days ago. It felt good. And I know that I'll still have hard days. Break ups are hard. They aren't meant to be easy. God didn't design us for this type of misery in our lives--He created dating and marriage for our happiness. But, I am prepared for this. I know that tough days are coming, but I also know that good days are coming and even greater days will be here soon.

So, what I wanted to share with you guys tonight is a list. A list of the fourteen things you should do/think about/participate in after a break up. This list is one that I wrote down on a sheet of paper last night and placed in my planner to see every day for the next few weeks. And honestly, some of these things can help out with life in general as well.

So, here we go: "Kaitlyn's Fourteen Lessons To Help Get You Through a Break-Up"


1. Take deep breaths

Just breathe. I know it hurts. I know that it feels like your chest in being compressed so tightly that it feels like you're drowning. But trust me, and take in deep breaths and let them out. Do it as slow as you can bear it. Count to five for each in and out breath. It'll help relax your body. It begins the process of healing. 

2. Release tensions/energy

Go running. Take a kick boxing class. Go to a shooting range. Do something to let all that anger and hurt and confusion out. It will allow you to think more clearly and you will be able to breathe a bit more easily. Letting out anger will show you that you really aren't angry--you're just hurt and don't know what to do about it. Personally, I have started running again. When I'm upset and "angry" I take it out on the treadmill and the track and sometimes I even beat a personal record. 

3. Start a new hobby or restart an old one

Learn a new language. Start painting or drawing. Take a photography class. Start writing poetry or fiction or even non fiction. Do something that will occupy your time. This way, you won't be dwelling on the break up all day. Look for something that you love to do and that will help you forget and move on. 

I went back to painting and to journaling in my Bible. They relieve a lot of stress from my shoulders and I definitely feel much happier when doing them. 

4. Pray

This is SO important. If you ever find yourself unable to cope with life/reality or if you find yourself curled up, sobbing and unable to breathe correctly, cast everything to God. He has His hands open to you, waiting for you to make that choice. Tell him your fears, your doubts, your anger, your confusion, your hopes, everything.

5. Love yourself

This is also VERY important. You cannot blame yourself. You can't beat yourself up and you cannot start believing that you aren't worthy of love. Because you are worthy. You are so worthy. Darling, it is unbelievable how worthy you are.

Tell yourself how worthy you are every morning while getting ready. Look at yourself in the mirror and say "You are a beautiful and strong human and you are worthy of love".

6. Let Go

This one will be hard. So freaking hard. Especially if you are currently getting out of a long-term relationship. You'll want to hang on to every memory, every trinket, every picture. And you are allowed to do that...for a short period of time. But eventually, you'll have to start letting go. You'll have to throw out those pictures and maybe even some trinkets and memories. Only when you start letting go and stop holding on, will you be able to start moving on with your life. 

With this, you have to learn to forgive and love your ex. (Love them as your brother/sister in Christ.) Another hard one. I've told you, I love to hold grudges. It makes me feel in control of the situation. But, holding on to grudges is not healthy for getting over a break up. We need to learn forgiveness. How can we stay angry at someone God loves? It's almost impossible. God has already forgiven them, now it's just your term. You don't have to do it right away, but eventually, you will need to do it. 

7. Don't move on too quickly

One of the worst mistakes someone can make right after a break up is moving on to somebody else without letting their self fully heal. With this new age of online dating and social media, it's very very easy to find that rebound (trust me, I know all too well). Affection is addicting. This, I know all too well, too. We love the idea of dates, flowers, attention, holding hands, kissing, letter/notes, etc. So, with this addiction, we find it easy to want to move on right away. However, if we truly care about God, witnesses, our ex (go back to the previous lesson on forgiving and loving and letting go) and eventually, our future significant other, we should wait and pray. God will provide the right guy at the right time. We just have to trust in Him and His plan for us. 

8. Spend a lot of time outside

Get some fresh air. It clears your head and gives you time to think and process things. Trust me. It works. So well.

9. Surround yourself with others who love you

Don't always hole up in your room by yourself. You need others with you. You need support through this tough time. Let others love on you. If your friend wants to bring you a donut and coffee, let them. If they just want to sit in your room with you while you cry and get angry, let them. Don't shut others out. Let those who love you, be there for you. Lean on them. (But not too much so that you're unable to get by without them. You will need to be able to walk by yourself again at some point.)

10. Allow yourself to feel (cry, get angry, etc)

Cry. Please, please, just cry. Sob. Do whatever. Don't hold it in. It's a normal human emotion. You are allowed to spend a few days or a week just riding that emotional roller coaster. Cry; get angry; be hurt; be confused. But after those few days, focus on your happiness. Don't dwell on those negative emotions. Those are just signs of Satan trying to drag you down. Don't let Satan win. Choose joy. 

And if you aren't hurting after a break-up, maybe you should. As humans, we don't go in and out of romances such as this without causing some pain for ourselves. Now, that's not to say that you should be devastated after every break-up, but there should most likely be a sense that the break up wasn't right or that it's not how everything is supposed to go in life. Our hearts were not meant to be borrowed and sometimes, God needs to show us the devastation of failed relationships to show the negative suggestions about Him and the church. 

11. Do not over analyze everything.

Please, please, PLEASE. Do not do this! It is detrimental to your overall mental health. Don't sit in your bed and go over every detail of your relationship wondering how it got to this point and wondering what went wrong. It won't do you any good and it will make you miserable. You can think about it, yes, but don't over-analyze. 

12. Stay off social media/your phone/etc.

--Delete them off Facebook. Unfollow them on Twitter and Instagram. You need time to heal. And seeing their name on every social media site you get on won’t help that healing process. And if you do get online, don’t “stalk” them. It’ll only make the hurt worse. 

--Don’t text them. Delete their old messages. Don’t call them just so you can hear their voice one last time. You need to move forward. Resist the urge and temptation to contact them. You need time. They need time. Later on, you can text them or re-friend them, if you know that you are completely over them, but only then. Never before.

13. Take it one day at a time

Honestly, this is really all you can do. Days will turn into weeks which will turn into months which will turn into years. Time will move on. You will love again. You just have to take it a day at a time. Take it step by step. Don't rush into anything and don't try to take life too fast. You won't heal in one day. You need time. Healing takes time. 

14. Trust God

I know you're probably struggling with this right now. You're probably wondering why God is doing this to you. I mean, you thought that this guy or girl was it for you. He/She was the love of your life. Why did this break up happen?!

The thing is that God knows your needs. And He is never too slow to provide that for you. He will end up revealing things to you about those things you thought needed. He even may reveal to you that it is Him you need more than anything else. He loves you. He knows what's best for you. And for whatever reason--this relationship was not what was best for you anymore. It was probably good for you at a time, but it's time to move on and God is telling you exactly that. 

God has everything in control. Again, He knows what is best for you. God will never close a door without having another one open for you. You just have to lean on Him and trust Him with your whole heart. Continue to praise Him even while making your way from one door to the next. He has bigger things planned for you. He will see you through this. Just you wait.

Healing

Wow. It's pretty early, huh? Or pretty late, depending on which way you look at things. Haha. I woke up a few hours ago and just couldn't go back to sleep. So, instead, I picked up my Bible and began to read, hoping that I would be able to get tired enough to fall back asleep.

While reading I came across this verse: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my  righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)

The past few weeks have honestly been quite hellish for me. On March 1st, I was admitted into the hospital for DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis). This basically means I wasn't taking care of my Type 1 Diabetes like I should've been doing and my blood sugars got too high and wouldn't come back down. I spent the rest of the week in the hospital trying to get better.

I then came home for my spring break to hopefully relax and get my health back in shape before the rest of the semester. However, little did I know that another blow would be waiting for me. Just yesterday morning, my boyfriend of six months called me over to his place and broke up with me. I won't go into details, but obviously, it hurt. A lot. I spent the rest of the day crying in bed and unwilling to motivate myself to do anything, really. So I assume that's why I couldn't really sleep tonight. With all of this on my mind, it makes it hard to relax enough to want to sleep.

It was right after I read that verse above that I felt God with me. I felt His presence near me as I cried while reading that verse over and over again. He placed His hand on my shoulder and whispered:

"Kaitlyn, my beautiful daughter, do not worry. Do not fear. I am with you every step of the way. I will not let you fall. Trust in me. Lean on me. Cast all your burdens on me and I will make you whole again. Do not worry or stress about what is to come. It is all in My hands. Let My will be done. I will never forsake you."

Those words He spoke over me soothed my soul. I know that healing my heart will take time. But I also know that I have a God on my side that will always be there for me no matter what.

So, I decided that I am going to take five specific steps in my life to make myself whole again.

1. I'm going to start living a healthier lifestyle.

There is no need for me to allow myself to wallow in self-pity or guilt and eat all the junk food I can manage. While I may indulge once or twice, I've decided to start working on becoming a healthier me. So, I'm going to start eating right and exercising more often. I honestly want to start running again and start training for 5ks, 10ks, and maybe even a half-marathon. This way, too, my diabetes will be better managed and I won't be feeling so run down anymore.

2. I'm going to spend time with friends.

I haven't done that much this semester (or even last semester) and I feel awful about that. I believe that healing myself will come more easily if I am surrounded by those whom I love and who love me back. So, I'm going to start going out with friends more, taking more adventures with them and just kicking back and having fun.

3. I'm going to dig into the Word.

This one is important. I feel that my spiritual health has also been declining recently and I am so ashamed of that. So, I'm going to start reading my Bible daily and start praying endlessly to God. He needs to become number one in my life again and I'm going to make sure that happens as soon as possible.

4. I'm going to forgive.

This one is also very important. I'm the type of person who can and will hold a grudge for a very long time. I need to learn how to undo that and control my feelings better. So, I'm going to start by forgiving myself. I can't blame myself for everything that has happened. It's not fair to me. And it just drags me down even more than I already am dragged down by current situations. I'm also going to forgive those who may have hurt me. There's no need for me to be angry at all these people all the time. It's not healthy. And if I do continue to be angry and hold a grudge, I won't be able to properly move on with my life.

5. I'm going to love myself.

We all have issues of self-worth. When my boyfriend broke up with me, all I could think was "I'm obviously not good enough. What's wrong with me? What happened? He deserves better than me." et cetera, et cetera. I was beating myself down. I told myself that I wasn't worthy of his (or anybody's) attention. That I didn't deserve to love and be loved in return. When, in reality, that is so not true. I deserve all of that and more. So, on this road to healing, I'm going to love myself. I'm going to work on boosting my self-confidence so that I can proclaim every minute of every hour of every day that "I am worth loving."

It's time for me to take a step back and start healing. And it may be time for some of you to do that as well. All I can say is: Kudos to you for taking that step. I know (I swear I do) that making that decision was a hard one. Sometimes, all we want to do is be upset and hurt and angry. But if we allow ourselves to do that, we will never move forward in life and will continue to hurt others along the way.

Be on the lookout for another post in the upcoming weeks about my progress to healing. These past few weeks were a wake up call for me. I'm ready to take on life and to make myself whole again, with friends, family, and most importantly, God, by my side every step of the way.

Strong and Brave

Let me start off this post by asking a simple question:

What comes to your mind when you think of someone you personally know (be it a friend, family member, loved one, etc.) telling you that they see a therapist on a regular basis?

You are probably thinking that this person (that you know pretty closely) has some serious problems that you weren't aware of. You may think that they're crazy or weird or just plain old weak.

That's right. Weak.

That's what I thought every time I thought about anyone going to see a therapist. Even myself.

I viewed therapy as weak. If you couldn't take care of yourself by yourself then what were you doing with yourself. I believed that we have the ability to take care of ourselves without any outside help.

Which is why I avoided therapy for the longest time. I made excuses not to go and would weasel my way out of it every single time.

That is, until I got to college.

Here at Berry, counseling is free to every student. There is a counseling center on campus and all you have to do is call in to make an appointment and you're all set. Sessions are set to one hour each and the counselors are there to listen and talk you through things.

For the past two years, I still told myself that counseling was weak. That it was embarrassing. Which is why I still never went or made an appointment. I was scared of what others would think of me.

However, a couple months ago, I made a decision that would change my life for the better. I made an appointment for a counseling session. I didn't tell anyone I was doing this--not even my parents. I still wanted to keep it a secret and wanted to see for myself how it went before letting anyone else in on the notion of me attending therapy.

And you know what?

It made me strong. And brave.

Therapy is not weak. It was never weak to begin with.

It is strong. It is courageous.

 

Society now rarely sees this as a healthy thing--as something that helps us. It is an overwhelming experience; we feel burnt out from it. Therapy is designed (by society) to make us feel vulnerable...exposed...as if there is a gaping wound in us that we cannot seem to close. And in the end, we start to beat ourselves up, believing that we can solve all of our problems by ourselves. We think we don't need professional help and when we realize we can't fix it on our own, we beat ourselves up even more. What's wrong with me?!?!

The first thing my counselor told me when I sat down for my first session a few months ago was "Good for you. You are doing something great for you and for others around you. Kudos. Be proud of yourself. You are brave. You. Are. Strong."

Seeking help is strong. And healthy. I read somewhere that "it takes courage to face our issues and to make a commitment to address them consciously, and move through them to the best of our ability".

We are human. Simply human. To ask for help only reassures the fact that WE ARE HUMAN. We are not perfect. It is impossible for us to be able to fix ourselves by ourselves. We aren't God. Nor are we robots. It is a natural experience to want or need others around us. To need help from others.

God created us for a purpose. And that purpose is not to self-destruct. To avoid help when you need it is to destroy, not only yourself, but others around you that you love and who love you. God would not want us to pull ourselves into a downward spiral. He would want us to seek help when we need it.

To seek for counseling means that you are healing. You are putting the work into yourself to help you heal, whether that be from a mental health issue or an event that put your life on hold. You are healing. You are being proactive. You are doing the work that is necessary for a healthy life. You are not being passive whatsoever. You. Are. Strong.

I currently go to a session about every other week. Today was my first session since the beginning of December. And it was so good to be back. I can already feel weights being lifted off my shoulders bit by bit. I can breathe a bit easier and I feel myself walking with my head a bit higher.

If you or anyone you know has been thinking about seeking professional help, please don't hesitate to make an appointment somewhere. These counselors are here to help you. If you don't want them to talk, they don't have to. If you don't want to talk, that's fine too. For my first session, it took my a good half hour to finally open up to this stranger. And when I did, it felt like I couldn't stop. So, don't worry, it may take some time to feel comfortable talking to a complete stranger, but it will get easier as time goes on. Trust me.

And if you are currently seeing a therapist or counselor, may I say kudos to you! Bravo! You are grabbing on to that tool that helps us pursue a healthy life!

And to all those nasty things the enemy may throw at us, be it abuse, loss, grief, depression, suffering, pain, etc., may I say: BRING IT ON.

I am not going to take any of this without putting up a fight of my own. And I hope you won't either. Fight on. Win. Show the enemy that he cannot control us.

In His Name.

New Year, Happier Me

Happy New Year!

I hope all of you have had wonderful holiday seasons (I know I did!) and that you are pumped for this new year! Things have been crazy in my life and I'm sorry that I haven't been able to post much, but I'm happy with being as busy as I am. However, now that it's a new semester and I have a bit more free time, I'm going to try and post some more!

Today, I really just wanted to tell you guys about my New Year resolutions. I only have a few and obviously, some of them are very cliche.

1. Be healthier.

    This is so cliche, I know. But I really want to work on this. Obviously, I am a college student, so it'll be difficult to be super healthy. But I can make a start on it and I already have. I've been eating more salads and been putting leaner protein in my diet. I went grocery shopping today and was very proud of myself for buying more fruits/veggies/yogurt/etc. I also plan on starting a new workout plan. Now, I don't plan on going every single day, but I do want to go at least 4-5 times a week. I would love to start running again and training for 5ks/10ks/half-marathons and maybe even a marathon. I love the freedom and determination that running gives me, so let's hope that I can get back into it without any problems! Hopefully, I will be able to keep this up and continue being healthy for months to come. Determination and perseverance is key.

2. Work harder in school.

    So far, I've been able to get by in school by being average. I don't get stellar grades, but I don't fail either. But, I want this to change. Especially since I only have a few semesters left in college. (YIKES!) But, I have a lot of support for this resolution, so I'm sure it won't be too hard to accomplish.

3. Plan more.

    If you know me, I'm not great at organizing my life. I like for things to happen spontaneously and hate any type of specific plan. However, I want this to change. So, I went out and bought a nice planner and some colored pens and spent a lot of time looking over all of my schedules and planning out the semester. I wrote down specific events and scheduled weekends to return home to visit family/friends/boyfriend. I marked down when papers are due and when exams are. And even began to give myself certain deadlines for internship applications and other things. I'm hoping that this will allow me to stress less about life and enjoy it more.

4. Be happy.

   This is a big one for me. Now, I'm not saying that I wasn't happy before. Cause, I was. I've been very happy for a while now. But, I feel that there are certain things in life that I need to worry less about and take on with a smile. So, in order to do this, I created a Happiness Jar.

   Happiness Jar? What is that, you may ask? This is a Happiness Jar:

   The Happiness Jar is exactly what it sounds like. The goal is for me to write down events in my life that make me happy. I will write it down on a slip of paper and then fold up the paper and put it in the jar. Then, at the end of this year, I will empty the jar and re-read the things in 2016 that made me smile. As you can see, there are already a few events in there and it's only been a week in the new year! I cannot wait to see how full this thing is by December 31!

So, those are my resolutions for the new year. I'm super excited about what this year has in store for me and cannot wait to see where God leads me. I hope you guys have a fantastic second week of January!

In His name.

More Than Enough

Hey guys. It's been a while, huh?

A lot has happened since I last spoke with you all. I'm now a junior in college with only 3 1/2 more semesters to go before graduation (WHOA!), I am currently dating someone (someone that I like very much), my hair has grown out a bit, and much more. But rather that catch you up with all the boring details of my life, I'd like to talk about a something that has been on my heart for the past few days.

I think I'll start off with a story.

-----------------

I told you guys that I recently started dating someone. Well, a few weeks ago, we were hanging out at his place. We were teasing each other and jokingly, I told him that I was leaving and he couldn't make me stay. I stood up and began gathering my things, still teasing him. He wasn't saying much, just watching me. When I finally looked up at him and looked into his eyes, my heart stopped beating.

I had never seen someone look at me with as much emotion as he was at that moment. I felt tingly all over from his look and I was instantly overwhelmed. With life, with emotion, with everything. So I did what I do best. I left. I booked it out of there as fast as I could. I told him everything was fine and that I was just tired and that I would see him in the morning. He let me go.

On the way home, I sobbed. I couldn't get a handle on any of my emotions. I got home, put on sweatpants and a t-shirt and got in bed. And sobbed. And sobbed. And sobbed. My sister eventually came home from the high school football game and got in bed with me and talked through everything with me.

Skip to the next night. 

I was laying on his bed with him next to me. He asked me what happened last night. And I told him. With tears rolling down my cheeks I told him that I for a long time, I felt that I was never good enough for anybody to like...to even love. After two years of getting into so much drama and stress with guys, I just decided that I would never be good enough. And you know what he told me?

He said, "Kaitlyn, you are enough. You are beautiful in every way. There is nothing about you which I do not like. You're smart and funny and all around an amazing person. You are so enough. Don't ever believe that you aren't."

--------------------


His words have stuck with me since that night. And for the past few days they have resonated even stronger with me.

I look around me today and see girls who were like me. Who believe with every ounce of their being that they aren't enough for a guy to like them. It's all over social media and even out of it.

Why do we believe this? It is only Satan trying to pull us over to the dark side. But we don't want that. We want to be good. We want to stay by Christ and have His protection.

It's so easy to see ourselves as unworthy. As unloved. As not enough.

The thing is though, is that God believed and still believes that we are worthy of so much more than we think. He even believed it enough that He sent His only son to the cross to die for us and our sins.

If that doesn't show how much we are worth to Him, I don't know what does.

You see, we are enough. We are more than enough. We are so enough that Christ died for us.

So, please, don't ever think that you are unworthy or unloved. Because the truth is that you are worth more than you could ever imagine and you are loved beyond compare. 

"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:6-8)

"For God so loved the world that He gave his only son, that whoever shall believe in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

(John 3:16)

YOU ARE ENOUGH.

YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH.

Listen to this song. It speaks so much truth.

In His love. 

Free

Take a look at me.

I'm 20 years young, a junior in college, a photographer, a painter, a writer, et cetera, et cetera.

Now...really take a look at me....

Scars line my body. From the top of my head to the very tips of my toes, I have a spattering of scars. They are all over my arms, my chest, my waist, my legs....

Since I was in middle school, I have suffered from a disorder called dermatillomania (or, better known as chronic skin picking).

This disorder has disrupted my life in many ways.

It started as my head peeling from a recent sunburn. I started to pick at it, forming scabs that, fortunately, were hidden by my thick hair.

This led to me developing a staph infection throughout my body. The staph soon went away (after some antibiotics) but my skin picking didn't stop. Basically, I was picking at acne, dry skin, fingernails, you name it.

For years and years I attempted to stop. Trust me. I tried everything. I tried ointments to get rid of scabs; I took antibiotics; I used face wash after face wash to get rid of acne. However, because this is an OCD disorder, medicine for the scabs and acne and everything else didn't and wouldn't ever fix anything. In order to heal, I should've worked to control my stress, anxiety, and negative emotions. (I did not know this at the time.

Over the years, it just became something that I did to cope. Even when I wasn't upset, I would start picking at whatever was on my body. I did it absentmindedly. It even got to the point where I was highly embarrassed of the scarring that was on my body. I couldn't control it.

The fact that I have an obsessive compulsive disorder that I have absolutely no control over is ironic but hardly poetic.

This disorder wrecked my emotionally and physically. I now have scars all over my body. I may not be self-conscious about them anymore, but they will always be a part of me. Emotionally, it took a lot to accept this as what was happening to me. I didn't want to admit to it. I just chose to ignore it. No matter the number of scars or the amount of comments I got, I just ignored it.

But, the reason I wanted to talk to you guys about this is because I wanted to officially share the big news I received about two weeks ago.

For the first time in about 8 years, I do not have an open wound on my body. I have not picked at anything on my body in almost 3 weeks. I'm on the road to healing.

I am FREE of this burden.

Now, I know this could come back, but I've also learned how to better control my stress and my emotions. I've worked hard to get to where I am now and I'm going to continue to work hard to keep this up.

I'm spending more time in my bible and even bought a new journalling bible to be able to keep track of my thoughts. God has really shown me a lot these past few weeks and this past summer as well.

I am free. I am free. I. Am. FREE. 

In His love.

Unconditional

Hey guys! Its been a few weeks since I've posted anything but I've had a few things I wanted to share with you today. After returning home from school for the summer, I had a wedding photography job lined up for two close friends of mine. So, on Mothers Day, I took off for a beautiful afternoon of taking pictures.

And let me tell you...these pictures turned out so so well!! The amount of love between this couple was so raw and so photogenic that I bawled (a couple of times)! Here are a few of the pictures:

As you can see, these two love each other so, very much. I have watched their love grow from just starting to date to fiancées to now a married couple. To be quite honest, their love is the love I want with my future husband.

This brings me to my topic of the day: love.

I have told you guys before that ever since I was a little girl, I have wanted a love to rival the greatest loves of all time. I'm a true romantic at heart. I want someone to hold me, someone I can tell my fears and doubts to, someone to love me for who I truly am. I want that so much, that I let it consume me sometimes.

But I've already talked about myself in this category before, so let me talk about someone(s) else for a change.

You see, when I think of my future husband/relationship, all I see are my parents. That's right. My parents are my true inspiration for my relationships.

My parents, I feel, are the true definition of a Christ-like love. They love each other unconditionally...no matter how many times my dad annoys my mom or how crazy my mom seems to make my dad.

These guys have been married for 15+ years and their love continues to grow stronger and stronger with each passing year. I've witnessed firsthand all the ups and downs of their relationship.

They definitely have had their fights. I have been there for meltdowns, blow-ups, and just the general yelling. (And I may have even been the cause for some of those. Haha!)

But here's the thing...they forgive each other. No matter what. They don't let their fights define their relationship. They go back to each other and make up. No matter who is at fault or who "threw the first punch" (figuratively of course).

That's love, you guys.

I cannot begin to explain to you guys how inspired I am by these two. Throughout my life, they have taught me what true, real, raw love looks like. They have shown me that you must love God first before letting anybody else into your heart. Through them, I've seen that you must place God in the center of your relationship if you want it to go anywhere.

These two beautiful human beings have shown me all there is to know about love. I couldn't ask for two better role models for myself or my siblings.

Just as 1 Corinthians says, "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things".

Remember, we all love because He first loved all of us. (1 John 4:19)

So, thank you, mom and dad, for showing me Who to turn to when times get tough and for being who you guys are. Thank you for showing me what true, Christ-centered love looks like and for inspiring me in my own relationships with others. I love you two so very much and couldn't ask for two better parents.

In His love.