Glow Stick

As I sit here watching The Santa Claus and drinking hot chocolate from my favorite Christmas mug, I am filled with so much peace I can't even describe it. My Christmas tree is lit, the room smells like fir trees and chocolate, and I can't stop smiling at the antics of Tim Allen.

This mood is far different than the one I had a few nights ago.

That night, I wasn't happy, I wasn't peaceful and I wasn't feeling the Christmas cheer. I just wanted to lay in bed and sleep the darkness away.

I'm not going to lie...I have nights like that every other month or so. My brain mis-wires and I just shut down. Most of the time, my fiancé (yes! I am engaged! 💑) can't even be the one to comfort me. So, I end up locking myself in my own head until it all goes away.

Those nights are not fun. Not for me and especially not for him. I can't imagine what he feels like when there isn't anything he can do for me. And usually, I can't find anything to help myself either. It's an awful feeling..the helplessness...the darkness...all of it.

The morning after a night like that is usually much better. I'm in a better mood and I can feel things again. This particular morning, however, a Facebook post caught my eye...

And I lost it.

I wanted to run and hide and cry my eyes out because everything in that post was 100% true for me. The only problem? I couldn't hide from God.

This post talked about how we can shine as humans and how we must be broken in order to do so.

You see, we, as humans, are like glow sticks. We sit in our packaging, dark and uninteresting. We may be colorful, but those colors are dull, lifeless. Our potential is very low.

We aren't doing what we were created to do. 

But imagine this: God takes you--a dark, boring glow stick--and breaks you. He breaks you to your very core. To the point where you are bruised, battered and cracked. Then, something amazing happens...

You begin to shine. 

The light that has been hiding inside you all along begins to show. Starting from your core and spreading outward. You get brighter and brighter until all you do is shine.

Sometimes you have to break before you can shine.

God works in so many mysterious, but wondrous ways. He is always working. In you. Around you. For you. He is shaping and molding you into the person he created you to be. Don't push yourself away from Him. Allow Him to break you. Allow Him to place His hands on you so that you can live to your fullest potential.

You see, these dark nights in my life...those are just nights that I need to be broken again in order to shine. I just need to allow God to place His hands on me so that I can shine again.

My life has been a mess of highs and lows, but I am thankful for every single one of them.  Without those moments in my life, I wouldn't be where I am today. I thank God every day for my journey and for Him putting me on it.

So, remember, don't be afraid to break every once in a while. You have to do it in order to shine.

In His Name.

Hopeful

When I was a freshman in college, I wrote a letter to myself and tucked it away for when I was about to graduate as a senior. I forgot all about it. Today, I pulled it out and read it and cried. And cried. And cried. I was not aware of how much I needed this today. Sometimes the biggest blessings are the ones you don't see coming. I am going to share this letter with you, because I think it is something everyone needs to hear. Especially those who are graduating in a few days. Much love. 

Dear Kaitlyn, 

I am so proud of you. You’ve worked really hard to get where you are, and I want you to relax now. You have so many good things coming, you don’t have to work as hard as you think you do. Enjoy your life and watch things unfold, all in perfect time. Time to square your shoulders back, hold your head high, and keep moving through your life with grace and ease. And don’t forget to smile!

I can tell you that you will not remember all those little tasks, deadlines and emails you worry about. You’ve got the small stuff covered. You’ve accomplished every goal you’ve ever set and then some. I hope you are as proud of yourself as I am.

Amidst all the external definitions of success, please don’t forget to look inward.

A few reminders:

Take care of yourself. Eat well. Exercise. Get outside. Get plenty of sleep. Rest and remember to spend plenty of time alone. Put yourself first so that you can share your best gifts with the world.

Be nicer to yourself. Weighing ten pounds less does not make you a better or more interesting person. Weighing ten or twenty pounds more does not make you unloveable. For every day or every moment you criticize yourself, you are cheating yourself out of your fullest joy.

Face some hard truths. You will hit rough patches. You will have more “lowest moments of your life.” Again you will find yourself feeling dark and depressed. Again you will find yourself going to sleep fully clothed because you cannot muster the emotional energy to get undressed. These moments always turn out to be your best teachers. These are the moments that will help you serve others in new, extraordinary ways.

Let people in. You will know when the time is right. When it is, let go. Let yourself love with abandon. You don’t have to protect yourself so much. You will still be able to take care of yourself if and when these relationships end, and they will have given you new perspectives on life.

Forgive yourself. It’s time to stop carrying all that guilt. That you could have been nicer, more accommodating, more supportive, more generous, more selfless; that you could have given more time and attention – or even more love. The past is in the past, and you are doing the very best you can. The very best does not mean perfect. It is okay if you aren’t perfect — none of us are.

Live your life on your own terms. Stop looking for everyone’s approval. Stop living in fear that if you say or do the wrong thing, you will lose people forever. If that happens, it wasn’t meant to be. Stop auditioning for other people’s lives and embrace yourself, exactly as you are.

A note on judging others. It is so easy to do – we all do it. But be careful who you judge, what you turn your nose up to, and the opinions you rally behind without questioning. They almost always come back to teach you a lesson by giving you the very experience that you were so quick to judge. Treat others with respect, compassion and an open-mind at every possible moment.

You are capable of so much more than you even realize. We all are. You have infinite power at your fingertips and it’s just waiting for you to engage it. Take those risks you are afraid of taking. Trust yourself.

You’ve gotten yourself this far in your life — keep going. Even more greatness lies ahead if you can just take the leap, even in those moments where you can’t see the other side yet. Dream even bigger! Reach for the stars – they are waiting for you.

Soak it up, baby! Whew – this is heavy stuff. Remember not to take yourself too seriously! Lighten up, laugh, have fun, be young, sing and dance your heart out. Celebrate! Be thankful for all of your gifts and blessings. Honor them by letting yourself experience bliss at every opportunity. Let the bliss grow and expand. Sprinkle gold dust around everyone and everything you can see.

I know you know this, because you’ve said it before — you already have everything you need. 

Time to stop chasing and start embracing. I have no doubt you will do it with flying colors. You already have.

Oodles of love and cupcakes,
Kaitlyn (of 2013)

Happy

Hey guys! With Easter right around the corner (TOMORROW!!), I wanted to write a quick blog post about something I've been focusing on quite recently in my life.

As humans living in this world, we tend to get caught up in the negatives of our lives. We dwell on them and let them drown out everything else in our lives. Personally, my last few weeks have been filled with getting over a harsh break-up, stressing over tests and school work, wondering about the future (aka--senior year at college) and much much more. I was letting these events in my life overtake the happy things.

This past week, however, I took time to write out the things that make me happy. It's so easy to pick out things that make me unhappy, but until we truly think hard about it, those things overwhelm us. Trust me, there are a lot more things in life to be happy and to laugh about. So many more than we actually realize! Like I've said before, it's the little things in life that make us most happy.

So, here is a list of 50 things that make me happy. (What are yours?)

1. A warm cup of coffee in the morning
2. Freshly dried laundry
3. A warm, sunshiny day
4. The first blooms of Spring
5. Laughing to the point that your abs ache
6. Bible journaling
7. A long talk with an old friend
8. The smell of coffee shops (I love coffee--sue me)
9. The smell of an old book
10. Dates with my siblings
11. Baking cookies in the middle of the night
12. Sales at clothing stores
13. Shopping at thrift stores
14. Pancakes
15. Hammocking in a park
16. Running around with bare feet
17. Freshly mowed grass
18. Thunderstorms
19. Afternoon naps
20. Having butterflies in my stomach
21. Long, hot showers
22. Reading my Bible
23. Going to church on Sunday mornings
24. Cooking
25. And baking!
26. Sunrises
27. Sunsets
28. Driving with the top down in my car
29. Singing along to the radio
30. Dance parties
31. Looking at old photographs
32. Waking up in the middle of the night and realizing you can go back to sleep
33. Finding a verse that fits perfectly with your current situation
34. Worship music
35. Random acts of kindness
36. Surviving another school year
37. Heart to hearts with parents/grandparents
38. Long hugs
39. Forehead kisses
40. Realizing how blessed this life is
41. Knowing that God has a hold on me
42. Dressing up and going out
43. Feeling pretty
44. Wearing lipstick
45. The mornings that you can lay in the bed for hours
46. Finishing a good book
47. Netflix marathons
48. Working out
49. Feeling confident
50. Painting

So yeah, those are my top 50. I could write so many more. But, I'll spare you from reading all of that. Basically, whatever you are going through...whether it be a bad break-up (which is my case), an awful school year/semester, etc...take the time to write out what makes you happy. And by the time you get into it, you'll find yourself smiling more and more. 

Don't be afraid to be happy again if you're going through a rough patch. God wants us to be happy and wants us to realize that He has better things in store for us. All it takes is time. 

I like to go back to this verse whenever I'm struggling. I hope it encourages you as well:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." (James 1:2-3)

In His name. 

Blessed

I want to admit something to you guys:

I am not perfect.

Whoa. What's that you say? I mean to tell you that I'm not the perfect Christian you think I am?

Let me tell you something even crazier:

I am no where near perfect.

I have flaws and imperfections just like everyone else. I sin just like everyone else. My life is filled with one mess up after another.

This past weekend, I wasn't necessarily having a good few days. My chemistry test stressed me out to the point of crying in the middle of the hallway after I left the exam. I felt as if I was sleep deprived to no end and all I wanted to do was sleep for hours upon hours without being disturbed. I was struggling with some drama going on between friends and boys and all I wanted to do was get away from it all.

Even throughout all of those hurdles and struggles in the past few days, I found a multitude of blessings.

After my chemistry exam, I walked out of the room trying to hold it together. I was frustrated and upset and I didn't want to break down in the middle of the hall. (tough luck with that.) I ended up starting to cry while walking through the halls and as I was turning a corner, a random guy saw me, stopped and immediately wrapped his arms around me. After the hug, he gave me a lopsided smile and told me that everything was gong to be okay and that I was going to be able to make it through the day. He unknowingly blessed my life and I was able to continue through the day with a smile on my face and my head held high.

As for the sleep deprived part...yes, I was tired. But I was tired because I spent the nights with my roommate and her sister watching movies, eating snacks and laughing about the most random things. I enjoy those times with my friends and even though I was exhausted the next day it was beyond worth it.

The drama doesn't necessarily have a happy ending or a blessing tied to it. Drama is drama. And while I wish I wasn't in the middle of it all, life happens and I had difficulty getting out of it.

This weekend, I also had a hard time with some self-esteem issues. Now, normally, I don't have many issues with it. I've learned to love who I am and to accept any and all flaws that I may have. God made me this way, so why complain about it?

But for some reason, the past few days have been hard on me. I felt like I wasn't pretty enough or skinny enough or good enough for people to hang out with or want to get to know. I threw myself into this dark place for a few days where I thought that I wasn't worth it.

Many of you know by now, that in high school, I did go through a short period of depression and even began to self-harm. I did not go that far this weekend.

I am aware now that self-inflicted pain is not the answer and I know I would never do it again in my lifetime. It's not worth it. However, that's not to say that my thoughts didn't gravitate towards that. Because they did. And I understand that sometimes it just happens. It's a reflex thought. Even though I would never go down that far, I allowed those thoughts to cloud my judgement.

Then, last night, I received notification that a friend had tagged me in a photo on Instagram. Safe to say, I was a little confused by it. But when I clicked on the picture, my entire world was flipped right side up. He posted a picture along with these words:

"Just so you know: Your beauty is as infinite as the number of lives you'll touch with your gentle smile and know and accepting and acknowledging your imperfections does not make you less attractive, but makes you human, a very beautiful human. You are not a hair color, a dress size, a 1-10. You're a woman who is beautiful and deserves to be recognized for being you." (Blake Phillips)

As I read those words, I started to cry. And cry. And cry. He doesn't realize it but he definitely saved me from a lot of pain and heartache last night.

God knows immediately when we need to hear how beautiful we are. Last night was one of those times for me. And he sent me those words through one of my closest and dearest friends here at Berry.

So, like I said before, I'm not perfect. I have flaws and I sin and I have dark thoughts from time to time. But, you see, I wasn't called to perfection. I was called to live a life worthy of the One who created me and He is always willing to forgive me no matter how bad I've been. He loves me despite the fact that I fail Him every day.

I'm blessed by many people and many things in my life. It just takes a little nudge to see that sometimes.

In His Love.

Superhero

In my last post, I talked about the sin of comparison and of jealousy. I realized (with some help from a friend), a few days later, that I only discussed the evils of the sins. Now, inherently, all sins are evil. That's something that we cannot argue. However, for a little while, I want to discuss the differences between jealousy and admiration, between unhealthy comparisons and healthy comparisons, between idols and role models.

In order to move forward in our spiritual growth, we, as Christians, need to appreciate the value of a role model.

We are called to emulate others ("Dear brothers and sisters, pattern your lives after mine, and learn from those who follow our example." -Philippians 3:17), even as they sought to emulate Christ ("I am so glad that you always keep me in your thoughts, and that you are following the teachings I passed on to you." -1 Corinthians 11:1).

Now, you may be wondering why we are commanded to imitate others. It's probably because, as humans, we are natural imitators. As children, we pick up on our parents' mannerisms and begin to imitate them. As teenagers, we (whether good or bad) seek to imitate our peers and those celebrities we hold in high regard. Then, as Christians, we usually seem to imitate those people we hold in high regard (such as preachers or elders).

However, we should look at the value of role models, as we are supposed to be careful with whom we imitate.

We are supposed to look at good role models. These are people who:

1. By example, show us what is possible.

        An example of this is of John who, in the book of Mark, was called a son of thunder (Mark 3:17) and then, as time goes on, grows and matures into an apostle of love (1 John 4:7-8).

2. By example, each us how to reach the same goals. Goals such as:

         a. enjoying a relationship with God. ("Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me--everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you." -Philippians 4:9)
   
         b. remaining steadfast in the midst of trials. ("That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So, we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever." -2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

You see, there is a difference between being jealous of someone and admiring them.

Let's go back to my friend, Blake. He loves Eminem. Is he jealous of Eminem? No. Does he want to be Eminem? No. He says that he and Eminem "use the skill of rhyming in different ways and stand for different ideals. But I still compare myself to him because it makes me better".

Choose to imitate someone who makes you a better you. That's what makes for healthy comparisons.

I like to use the term superhero to describe my role models. They are my superheroes--the people I look up to for my faith, my relationships, and a lot of my life. They are people who, while I was in my depression, were the ones to encourage me and to lift me out of the dark hole I had dug myself in to.

So, whether you are a "superhero" to someone else or you find a "superhero" in someone else, just remember:

Admiration is productive. Jealousy is destructive. 

Choose love. Choose life. Choose positivity.

In His Love.

Jealous

"I wish I could have her hair. It's so straight and perfect."

"Why can't my body look like hers?"

"He gets all the girls. Why can't I be more like him?"

"His car is so cool. I wish I had a car like that."

Did you know that a sin is a sin is a sin? We often forget that, in the eyes of God, sins are equal no matter what. We, as humans, put them into "smaller" and "greater" categories, with jealousy and comparison falling into the former while murder, theft, and adultery fall into the latter.

However, we must remember that all sin separates us from God. We don't want that. So, all sin needs to be taken seriously, no matter how severe or less severe we seem to find it.

I recently met up with my friend, Blake, at Starbucks to talk about my blog and his spoken word that he does. We wanted to find a way to incorporate a spoken word piece he wrote into one of my blog posts. We ended up talking a little about the sin of comparison and how rampant and rooted it is in our lives today.

After, going through some of the things that I did in the past, I came out with a lot more self-confidence than I used to have. I'm not so worried about who I am or what I do. However, the sin of comparison is definitely still in my life. Thinking about it after the talk Blake and I had, I realized how guilty I am of comparison, or envy and jealousy.

I may be secure in my looks and in my personality, but I will find myself comparing myself to others in the classroom. I ask myself why the girl who sits beside me in class got a better grade than me when she barely studied while I spent an entire week studying. I find myself comparing myself to others in the gym. How can he spend 45 minutes running at a steady pace when I have to take a breather every 30 minutes? No matter how much self-confidence you may have, I believe that we all fall victim to comparison and jealousy.

This sin of comparison is killing us.

That's right. Killing us.

We use comparison like a measuring stick. We assess our own worthiness to others' victories and/or failures. We beat ourselves and others down with it.

I recently discovered a way to describe comparison: It's a thug. It robs your joy. But it's more than that. It makes you a thug who beats down somebody--or your own soul.

The thing about measuring sticks is that we use it to rank people as either big or small. Truth is: we aren't sizes. We are souls. We are God-made souls and because of that, we defy measurements from others and from ourselves. There is no bigger soul nor is there a smaller soul. So there is no point in trying to compare ourselves to others or others to ourselves.

When we walk through life with this measuring stick, our eyes get so small that we can no longer see God.

Here's something to remember:

You were created with intention. Those flaws that we see in ourselves? Those little imperfections that we wish to fix? Yeah....they aren't flaws to God.

When we continuously berate ourselves and pick at our flaws and others' flaws, we are missing the opportunity to bring glory to God by lifting others up.

I also read some advice about defeating the sin of comparison:

Whenever you find yourself comparing your flaws to others, go right up to that person and compliment them on the very thing you are jealous of. Tell them congrats on getting an A on the test. Tell them that you love their hair. Tell them that it's awesome with what they do in the gym.

When we turn comparisons into ways to build people up, the devil loses and God wins.

Blake talks in his spoken word ("Just Be Yourself"--click to watch the video!), about how there's a wish to go back to a time when comparisons didn't happen. When innocence was running rampant and we didn't care who owned what or who had the best hair or eyes or clothes or cars.

One of my favorite verses from his spoken word is: "We should celebrate the fact that we're all so uniquely diverse and actually start to converse; so we can learn about each other as well as learn from one another and celebrate our differences."

He hits it right on the mark. We should celebrate our differences.

My battle cry for this week will be the same thing morning, noon and night:

Boys and girls RIVAL each other. Men and women REVIVE each another. 
Boys and girls EMPALE each another. Men and women EMPOWER each other.
Boys and girls COMPARE each other. Men and women CHAMPION each other. 

Let's not be people who compare each other; let's be people who champion each other.

Like Blake says:

"It's your story. It's the life you've been given. So, celebrate every day, enjoy every second your liven'...We need to be happy by being ourselves...to be cool, simply, just be yourself."

[A big thank you to Blake, who sat down with me to help get rid of my writer's block and to talk about life. Go check out his other cool spoken words on his YouTube Channel: AsToldByGingerSnap.]

In His Love.

Faithful

In my life, I have had a lot of challenges growing up at a devout Christian. People were always ready to tear me down; ready to berate me for my beliefs. Those people were part of the causes that led to my depression and rebelliousness against the Christian beliefs while I was in high school. I had never realized how much opposition there was towards the Christian faith until then.

Since then, I've grown much stronger in my faith. That's not to say that I don't have struggles anymore. Cause I do. I still encounter people who want to challenge my beliefs and who want to tear me down till I'm nothing but dust.

What I want to talk about, today, however, is how I've been able to keep my faith in Christ as strong as it is and what it's like being one of Christ's disciples. Let me tell you, though, it isn't easy. It takes a lot of dedication and willpower.

College is a completely new adventure. We, as students, must learn new time-management skills, face new challenges, make brand new friends (all the while trying to keep up with the old ones), and make good grades. Those things are all very important and necessary in a college career. (It personally took me a lot of time and a couple of mistakes to realize that those things, while important, are not the biggest priority.

I had to learn how to stand up for what I believe it...even when that meant I was standing alone. Now, I am not ashamed of the gospel or for what I believe in, but in a society where being "cool" and "wild" is in style, keeping the faith in college can be a real mudslide of fear and intimidation.

So, let me share some things to help you (and me!) keep up our faith in college and beyond.

Journaling

"Show me Your ways, O Lord; Teach me Your paths. Lead me in Your truth and teach me, For You are the God of my salvation; On You I wait all the day." (Psalms 25:4-5)

Second semester of my freshman year, I found that keeping a journal helped me keep a firm stance in my beliefs. It keeps me in touch with my emotions and helps me remain in touch with God at all times.

When journaling, it doesn't matter what you write in, whether it be a fancy, moleskin notebook, a spiral notebook, or a notes app on your phone. Just make it an easily accessible way to write down your thoughts at any time in any place. (I also use my blog as a way to keep in touch with everything. You can use this idea or even make a private blog that only you can read!)

Now, I always find myself reaching for my journal when something is weighing on my mind. When I am able to write this burden onto paper, I feel that it has been partially released from me and my shoulders begin to feel lighter. It doesn't act permanently, but it allows me to focus on other things, such as homework or work, rather than letting it control my thoughts, ultimately distracting me from anything else that is of importance.

When we write, we are usually more engaged and more focused on whatever it is we are doing. We tend to be able to finish our thoughts when writing rather that leaving it mid thought. This is also just a time set apart for God and for God only. None of it has to be formal or fancy or eloquent. It just needs to capture what's on your heart at that moment in time.

(It's also pretty cool to look back at past journals and see how God was working in and through your heart and life!)

"Jesus Time"

"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him and he with me." (Revelation 3:20)

As college students, we have very busy lives. Our days are filled with sports, classes, homework, meals, clubs, intramurals, etc. In the midst of this chaos, it can be hard to find time to spend with Christ. I mean, do you set apart time for praying, reading, praising, or in fellowship with others during the day, night, the weekend, weekday or everyday?

Being in a relationship with Christ takes time and effort. He is always available for us to come talk to Him, but as humans, we are agents of free will and it is up to us to accept or decline that invitation on a daily basis.

Here are some examples of ways to set apart your own "Jesus Time":

• Start a bible study with a group of friends
• When working out, instead of listening to music, listen to church sermons.
• Set apart a set time that is dedicated only to reading your Bible and spending time in prayer. 
• Find time to meet with (or Skype) with friends to talk about God and other things going on in your heart. 
• Create a Pinterest board that is dedicated to Bible verses and other Christian thoughts for those days when you just need a faith boost.

Devotionals

"So then, faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God." (Romans 10:17)

The amount of devotionals I have done in the past year is crazy. I have found so many different ones that relate to so many different topics that help me in my faith. In fact, I'm working on three different ones right now. There's a daily one that I sit down at night and complete (it takes me about 5-10 minutes); a weekly one right now called "The Disciple--A Journey with God" that I do every Tuesday night (it can take anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour); and then a monthly one called "Seven" (I read a little bit from this one every other day or so). And after I finish those, I have another one ready to go called "If Jesus Were a Sophomore--Discipleship for College Students". 

Devotionals are a great way to keep your faith strong. Once you find a devotional you want to work through, take about thirty minutes a day to sit down with your bible and that book and focus on what it's telling you. Some devotionals may by daily, some may be weekly, some monthly. It doesn't matter what it is, as long as you take time to sit down and really meditate on His Word. 

Keeping the faith in college is definitely a challenge. You have to leap through many different obstacles in order to stay strong. You also must be willing to stand up for your beliefs even when nobody is willing to stand up with you. To keep your faith, you must maintain good habits and sustain yourself in His presence and His words. 

At the end of the day, your heart will remain in His peace.

In His Love.

Broken and Healed

Hey friends.

I know that it's been a while since I've posted and I apologize. I've been busy. It is summer, after all. (That's not really an excuse, but I'm going to use it anyways.)

Before I get into what I want to talk about today, I wanted to update you guys with what's going on in my life. First things first, I got a promotion at work so you are now looking at a new assistant manager (WOOO!). I also got to move out of my parents' home into another house because we had friends from my church need a house sitter for two months. It's been great. I'm living with a good friend of mine and it's honestly been nice to not live with my parents this summer.

Other than those two things, though, nothing much has changed. I'm still a college student; I still work on my photography and writing books. However, because of working full time, I can't find much time to do things.

But, don't fret. I was able to get next week off to go on a road trip with my best friend for my birthday week. I am beyond excited. We are heading up to the mountains of North Carolina and then headed to the coastline. It will be good to get out of this city and to explore the country a bit. I'm so ready for it, that I've already packed up all of my stuff! Haha.

Anyway, the reason I am writing this post today is because I wanted to talk about something that's been on my mind for a few weeks. It will get a bit personal, but I feel like God is asking me to share this with you guys.

First off, I wanted to talk a bit about my testimony. Some of you may know what happened to me a few years ago and some of you may not. For those who do not know, let me give you a shortened version. (If we ever meet in person, I'd love to tell you the entire story.)


When I entered high school, I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to keep my faith. I had so many people spread rumors about me and ridicule me for my beliefs. I began to stray away from God because of all of it. I started to hang out with the wrong crowd and became more and more distraught and distant from everybody who used to hang out with me. 

I didn't want to believe there was a God. I began to curse and to rebel against everything I used to believe in. (No, I did not start drinking or smoking. I still didn't like people who did that.) Don't get me wrong. I was pressured into drinking and smoking. The people I hung out with were the ones who partied every weekend and who used sex as a means out of their troubles. I may not have been into this, but there were times when I seriously considered it. 

It was in tenth grade that everything came to a screeching halt. I argued with my parents all the time and there was morning when it got so bad that I told my mother that I hated her. It was that morning that I began to cut myself to feel relief from the pain I was in. It was that morning that my life just felt like it was going down the drain.


Now, obviously, I'm still here today. I am alive and healthy. I don't cut or harm myself anymore. I've healed from that even though I still have scars lining my body. I was never sent to a doctor and was never medically claimed depressed. I diagnosed myself. It wasn't until the summer after tenth grade that I began to work towards my healing.

The reason I want to talk about this is because it has been three years since this has happened. It has been three years since I last placed a knife to my skin. It has been three years since I last thought I wasn't worth anything. It has been three years since I last wanted to end my life. It has been three years since I was reborn in my Savior's arms.

I'm not telling you guys this because I want you guys to feel sorry for me or to make it seem like I've gotten it all together since then. I still stumble. There are times when I get so frustrated or so upset with my life that I want to go back to my old ways. But, I don't. I take a deep breath and go spend time with my Creator instead.

I now realize that I can end the pain with healthier options. I don't have to resort to self-harm to get through something that is difficult in my life.

When you see/meet me, you will notice the scars. They are etched into my skin. They are noticeable. They are there and I am aware of it. Yes, it is hard sometimes to tell the story of my few months spent in a dark abyss called depression. Especially to people I've know for years and years. I've gotten better at it, but it's still hard. However, I trust that the Lord will provide me with the words I need.

With my "dark" past, I used to think that people were a little intimidated by me. I used to think that because I had these scars, other people wouldn't know what to do with me. I was terrified to think that people wouldn't want to try to understand what happened to me. I know that some people are just scared to deal with others who have done the things I have.

Things are quite different, actually. In the past year, after going to college, I have found so many people that support me. They have listened to my story and still love me for who I am. They don't shy away at mention of my scars and are always there for me when I need a shoulder to lean on. They love me for who I am. I am so blessed by them.

I also want to reach out a hand to anybody who feels like they have been dealing with what I dealt with. You are not alone. You are loved. You are amazing. Don't let anybody tell you anything different. Be you and know that there are people out there who love you for you. I want to leave you guys with a letter. I have this letter framed for my dorm room at school and always look back on it in times of struggle. Feel free to do the same.




Dear Sons and Daughters,

I want to remind you today that you are beautiful.  As you know there is a father of lies who will try to deceive you.  He will tell you that you aren’t attractive enough, good enough or smart enough.  He will tempt you to doubt Me and then, after you do, he will accuse you of being a failure. He will also tell you that you have broken too many promises, lived one too many lies, and fallen one too many times.  He will try to discourage you and tell you you’ve been going in the wrong direction and that it is pointless to turn  back now. “You,” he hisses, “Are unimportant to God.”
Guess what?  You do not belong to him. He is not your father.  I AM.  I am your King.  You are born of my thought! Every part of you I carefully put together by My hands.  You have my thumbprint on your life. You are my workmanship! You are My creation! You are my joy! My very own sons and daughters!

You not loved because you are precious.  You are precious because you are loved…by Me your KING!  There is nothing that can separate you from my love.  There is no ocean too deep. There is no mountain too high.  Yes, sin did change my perfect creation. Yes, you live in a broken, fallen world.  Every human being is born in sin because of Adam and Eve’s disobedience.  However, I could not turn my back on them.  I will not turn my back on you.  I robed myself in flesh and came to earth to pay for you with my own blood.  I am your redeemer and you are covered with My grace.  I have done everything  there is to do and given all there is to give–for you!  Your life is precious because I created it and redeemed it!  My love for you is everlasting, unfailing and eternal.

The father of lies may whisper in your ear; “Did God really say…?” He ignites flames of doubts.  But I am unchangeable.  My Word is truth.  I desire to spend time with you, every moment of every day.  My love for you never grows cold.  My promises are never broken.  My character never changes.  You, my child, have been made in my image.  You are beautiful.  You have purpose.  You have destiny. You have hope in every situation, because of Me.
I love you unconditionally, dearly and completely.  I know your emotions.  I see your tears.  I see your thoughts.  When you don’t know what to pray, My Spirit prays for you with words deeper than any sigh. I know all about you.  I know your secrets, fears, weaknesses and failures.  None of this changes my love for you.  My faithfulness is eternal.  Learn of Me! Believe Me! Trust Me! Find order in the midst of your chaos with Me.  Begin each day with me. Calm your nights with Me.  Entrust your heart to Me, I hold it close to my own.

Forever & faithfully yours,

Your Heavenly Father/Your King




If you ever want to ask more about my story, feel free to ask me. I can explain more about my depression and what was happening in my head. All you have to do is ask.

And remember: YOU are loved by the Creator of the earth, by the One who placed the stars in the sky, by the King of kings.

Love and be loved.

My testimony on YouTube.

Priceless

I know... It's been a while since I have posted and I am sorry. I've had a lot of things on my plate for the past few weeks and I had to push my blog to the side so I could get those things completed. During these past weeks, though, I've been feeling a little down. I'm have good grades, a great job, great friends, etc. So, why is it that I've been going to sleep at night feeling a little empty and drained (emotionally, physically, spiritually)?

I really didn't know what was going on with me. I mean, yes, I've had a little bit of drama and confusion going on in my life. I have a friend who I am helping through depression and I have a friend, who, all of a sudden, just stopped speaking to me. (I mean, we go from talking every single day to barely speaking at all if any.) It hurts. I know that when helping others through depression, I have to be careful and keep myself happy and healthy. And I have been doing just that. So, I couldn't place a finger on the problem that I was having....

Until this morning...

This morning started as any other. I woke up, took a quick shower and then got back in bed to study a little and relax. It was a Saturday, after all. I was laying in my bed, looking through some notes for my Animal Science class when I got a text from my mom. I thought it was a little weird because it is a Saturday and it was about 9 o'clock in the morning where she is. Well, of course, I opened the text, not really expecting much. What I got, left me speechless and with tears in my eyes.

Because this text was personal and between me and my mom, I won't share it word for word, but I will say that I was finally able to figure out what was going on with me.

You see, for the past few weeks, I was, in lack of better words, putting a price on myself. I was walking around my campus proclaiming that I was to be bought at a price and that you had to prove that you could "buy me", per say. I was degrading myself and others around me. I wasn't being the person that God wants me to be. I wasn't being me.

I was allowing these other people define who I was. That guy who kind of broke my heart? He told me that I wasn't worth the time. The girl who snickered at me in class? She told me that I was a loser. Those students who stared and gossiped as I curled up in a chair by myself with a thick book? They told me that I was a loner and a nerd.

I listened to them. I listened and took it all in until I was believing those things myself. I was beginning to get self conscious as I walked around campus with my books and my geeky clothes and my weird music. I was letting people (some of them who I didn't even know) determine who I was.

And now? Now, I am done with being that girl that everybody thinks I am. I just want to be me; to be the me that God made with His own hands. And you know who that is?

GEEKY.

SMART.

BEAUTIFUL.

CONFIDENT.

COMPASSIONATE

CARING.

OPTIMISTIC.

HARD WORKING.

SENSITIVE.

IMPERFECT.

BRAVE.

IMPORTANT.

PRICELESS.

I. AM. PRICELESS.

I have a value...but, here's the catch: my value is greater than that of the entire world's. God sees me as a treasure. He says, "That is a precious piece and I am willing to pay ANY AMOUNT to acquire it!" How amazing is that? The creator of the Earth said that about me! And He says that about each and every one of you!

I know, now, that it is so important to recognize the value that God gives us. We should never forget it.

After reading that text from my mom, I was so overwhelmed by the love flowing from the Father. I began reading through my Bible and journal, looking at the words Christ has spoken to and through me. Peace immediately began settling through me and I began feeling so much better. I felt stronger, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

So, my words to you are: Don't forget what you are worth. Your Father in Heaven created you with a purpose and He knows exactly what He's doing. He sees you as a priceless treasure and that is how you should see yourself as well. Don't let others determine who you are in life.

This song came over my playlist today and I feel that it perfectly with what I was feeling. The song is "Gold" by Britt Nicole. I love her so much and all of her songs can always make me instantly feel better. If you click here, you can watch the music video. These lyrics speak so much truth, though. You are worth much more than gold. Don't let others decide who you are. BE YOU.

"Gold"

Britt Nicole

Oh, oh, oh, oh

Oh, oh, oh, oh

You were walking on the moon, now you're feeling low

What they said wasn't true, you're beautiful

Sticks and stones break your bones, I know what you're feeling

Words like those won't steal your glow, you're one in a million

This, this is for all the girls, boys all over the world

Whatever you've been told, you're worth more than gold

So hold your head up high, it's your time to shine

From the inside out it shows, you're worth more than gold

(Gold gold, you're gold)

You're worth more than gold

(Gold gold, you're gold)

Well everybody keeps score, afraid you're gonna lose

Just ignore they don't know the real you

All the rain in the sky can't put out your fire

Of all the stars out tonight, you shine brighter

This, this is for all the girls, boys all over the world

Whatever you've been told, you're worth more than gold

So hold your head up high, it's your time to shine

From the inside out it shows, you're worth more than gold

(Gold gold, you're gold)

You're worth more than gold

(Gold gold, you're gold)

So don't let anybody tell you that you're not loved

And don't let anybody tell you that you're not enough

Yeah there are days that we all feel like we're messed up

But the truth is that we're all diamonds in the rough

So don't be ashamed to wear your crown

You're a king you're a queen inside and out

You glow like the moon, you shine like the stars

This is for you, wherever you are

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, oh, oh,

You're gold

This, this is for all the girls, boys all over the world

Whatever you've been told, you're worth more than gold

(So hold your head) So hold your head up high,

It's your time to shine

From the inside out it shows, you're worth more than gold

(gold gold, you're gold)

You're worth more than gold

(gold gold you're gold)

So don't be ashamed to wear your crown

You're a king you're a queen inside and out