Free

Take a look at me.

I'm 20 years young, a junior in college, a photographer, a painter, a writer, et cetera, et cetera.

Now...really take a look at me....

Scars line my body. From the top of my head to the very tips of my toes, I have a spattering of scars. They are all over my arms, my chest, my waist, my legs....

Since I was in middle school, I have suffered from a disorder called dermatillomania (or, better known as chronic skin picking).

This disorder has disrupted my life in many ways.

It started as my head peeling from a recent sunburn. I started to pick at it, forming scabs that, fortunately, were hidden by my thick hair.

This led to me developing a staph infection throughout my body. The staph soon went away (after some antibiotics) but my skin picking didn't stop. Basically, I was picking at acne, dry skin, fingernails, you name it.

For years and years I attempted to stop. Trust me. I tried everything. I tried ointments to get rid of scabs; I took antibiotics; I used face wash after face wash to get rid of acne. However, because this is an OCD disorder, medicine for the scabs and acne and everything else didn't and wouldn't ever fix anything. In order to heal, I should've worked to control my stress, anxiety, and negative emotions. (I did not know this at the time.

Over the years, it just became something that I did to cope. Even when I wasn't upset, I would start picking at whatever was on my body. I did it absentmindedly. It even got to the point where I was highly embarrassed of the scarring that was on my body. I couldn't control it.

The fact that I have an obsessive compulsive disorder that I have absolutely no control over is ironic but hardly poetic.

This disorder wrecked my emotionally and physically. I now have scars all over my body. I may not be self-conscious about them anymore, but they will always be a part of me. Emotionally, it took a lot to accept this as what was happening to me. I didn't want to admit to it. I just chose to ignore it. No matter the number of scars or the amount of comments I got, I just ignored it.

But, the reason I wanted to talk to you guys about this is because I wanted to officially share the big news I received about two weeks ago.

For the first time in about 8 years, I do not have an open wound on my body. I have not picked at anything on my body in almost 3 weeks. I'm on the road to healing.

I am FREE of this burden.

Now, I know this could come back, but I've also learned how to better control my stress and my emotions. I've worked hard to get to where I am now and I'm going to continue to work hard to keep this up.

I'm spending more time in my bible and even bought a new journalling bible to be able to keep track of my thoughts. God has really shown me a lot these past few weeks and this past summer as well.

I am free. I am free. I. Am. FREE. 

In His love.

Blessed

I want to admit something to you guys:

I am not perfect.

Whoa. What's that you say? I mean to tell you that I'm not the perfect Christian you think I am?

Let me tell you something even crazier:

I am no where near perfect.

I have flaws and imperfections just like everyone else. I sin just like everyone else. My life is filled with one mess up after another.

This past weekend, I wasn't necessarily having a good few days. My chemistry test stressed me out to the point of crying in the middle of the hallway after I left the exam. I felt as if I was sleep deprived to no end and all I wanted to do was sleep for hours upon hours without being disturbed. I was struggling with some drama going on between friends and boys and all I wanted to do was get away from it all.

Even throughout all of those hurdles and struggles in the past few days, I found a multitude of blessings.

After my chemistry exam, I walked out of the room trying to hold it together. I was frustrated and upset and I didn't want to break down in the middle of the hall. (tough luck with that.) I ended up starting to cry while walking through the halls and as I was turning a corner, a random guy saw me, stopped and immediately wrapped his arms around me. After the hug, he gave me a lopsided smile and told me that everything was gong to be okay and that I was going to be able to make it through the day. He unknowingly blessed my life and I was able to continue through the day with a smile on my face and my head held high.

As for the sleep deprived part...yes, I was tired. But I was tired because I spent the nights with my roommate and her sister watching movies, eating snacks and laughing about the most random things. I enjoy those times with my friends and even though I was exhausted the next day it was beyond worth it.

The drama doesn't necessarily have a happy ending or a blessing tied to it. Drama is drama. And while I wish I wasn't in the middle of it all, life happens and I had difficulty getting out of it.

This weekend, I also had a hard time with some self-esteem issues. Now, normally, I don't have many issues with it. I've learned to love who I am and to accept any and all flaws that I may have. God made me this way, so why complain about it?

But for some reason, the past few days have been hard on me. I felt like I wasn't pretty enough or skinny enough or good enough for people to hang out with or want to get to know. I threw myself into this dark place for a few days where I thought that I wasn't worth it.

Many of you know by now, that in high school, I did go through a short period of depression and even began to self-harm. I did not go that far this weekend.

I am aware now that self-inflicted pain is not the answer and I know I would never do it again in my lifetime. It's not worth it. However, that's not to say that my thoughts didn't gravitate towards that. Because they did. And I understand that sometimes it just happens. It's a reflex thought. Even though I would never go down that far, I allowed those thoughts to cloud my judgement.

Then, last night, I received notification that a friend had tagged me in a photo on Instagram. Safe to say, I was a little confused by it. But when I clicked on the picture, my entire world was flipped right side up. He posted a picture along with these words:

"Just so you know: Your beauty is as infinite as the number of lives you'll touch with your gentle smile and know and accepting and acknowledging your imperfections does not make you less attractive, but makes you human, a very beautiful human. You are not a hair color, a dress size, a 1-10. You're a woman who is beautiful and deserves to be recognized for being you." (Blake Phillips)

As I read those words, I started to cry. And cry. And cry. He doesn't realize it but he definitely saved me from a lot of pain and heartache last night.

God knows immediately when we need to hear how beautiful we are. Last night was one of those times for me. And he sent me those words through one of my closest and dearest friends here at Berry.

So, like I said before, I'm not perfect. I have flaws and I sin and I have dark thoughts from time to time. But, you see, I wasn't called to perfection. I was called to live a life worthy of the One who created me and He is always willing to forgive me no matter how bad I've been. He loves me despite the fact that I fail Him every day.

I'm blessed by many people and many things in my life. It just takes a little nudge to see that sometimes.

In His Love.

Superhero

In my last post, I talked about the sin of comparison and of jealousy. I realized (with some help from a friend), a few days later, that I only discussed the evils of the sins. Now, inherently, all sins are evil. That's something that we cannot argue. However, for a little while, I want to discuss the differences between jealousy and admiration, between unhealthy comparisons and healthy comparisons, between idols and role models.

In order to move forward in our spiritual growth, we, as Christians, need to appreciate the value of a role model.

We are called to emulate others ("Dear brothers and sisters, pattern your lives after mine, and learn from those who follow our example." -Philippians 3:17), even as they sought to emulate Christ ("I am so glad that you always keep me in your thoughts, and that you are following the teachings I passed on to you." -1 Corinthians 11:1).

Now, you may be wondering why we are commanded to imitate others. It's probably because, as humans, we are natural imitators. As children, we pick up on our parents' mannerisms and begin to imitate them. As teenagers, we (whether good or bad) seek to imitate our peers and those celebrities we hold in high regard. Then, as Christians, we usually seem to imitate those people we hold in high regard (such as preachers or elders).

However, we should look at the value of role models, as we are supposed to be careful with whom we imitate.

We are supposed to look at good role models. These are people who:

1. By example, show us what is possible.

        An example of this is of John who, in the book of Mark, was called a son of thunder (Mark 3:17) and then, as time goes on, grows and matures into an apostle of love (1 John 4:7-8).

2. By example, each us how to reach the same goals. Goals such as:

         a. enjoying a relationship with God. ("Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me--everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you." -Philippians 4:9)
   
         b. remaining steadfast in the midst of trials. ("That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So, we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever." -2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

You see, there is a difference between being jealous of someone and admiring them.

Let's go back to my friend, Blake. He loves Eminem. Is he jealous of Eminem? No. Does he want to be Eminem? No. He says that he and Eminem "use the skill of rhyming in different ways and stand for different ideals. But I still compare myself to him because it makes me better".

Choose to imitate someone who makes you a better you. That's what makes for healthy comparisons.

I like to use the term superhero to describe my role models. They are my superheroes--the people I look up to for my faith, my relationships, and a lot of my life. They are people who, while I was in my depression, were the ones to encourage me and to lift me out of the dark hole I had dug myself in to.

So, whether you are a "superhero" to someone else or you find a "superhero" in someone else, just remember:

Admiration is productive. Jealousy is destructive. 

Choose love. Choose life. Choose positivity.

In His Love.

Jealous

"I wish I could have her hair. It's so straight and perfect."

"Why can't my body look like hers?"

"He gets all the girls. Why can't I be more like him?"

"His car is so cool. I wish I had a car like that."

Did you know that a sin is a sin is a sin? We often forget that, in the eyes of God, sins are equal no matter what. We, as humans, put them into "smaller" and "greater" categories, with jealousy and comparison falling into the former while murder, theft, and adultery fall into the latter.

However, we must remember that all sin separates us from God. We don't want that. So, all sin needs to be taken seriously, no matter how severe or less severe we seem to find it.

I recently met up with my friend, Blake, at Starbucks to talk about my blog and his spoken word that he does. We wanted to find a way to incorporate a spoken word piece he wrote into one of my blog posts. We ended up talking a little about the sin of comparison and how rampant and rooted it is in our lives today.

After, going through some of the things that I did in the past, I came out with a lot more self-confidence than I used to have. I'm not so worried about who I am or what I do. However, the sin of comparison is definitely still in my life. Thinking about it after the talk Blake and I had, I realized how guilty I am of comparison, or envy and jealousy.

I may be secure in my looks and in my personality, but I will find myself comparing myself to others in the classroom. I ask myself why the girl who sits beside me in class got a better grade than me when she barely studied while I spent an entire week studying. I find myself comparing myself to others in the gym. How can he spend 45 minutes running at a steady pace when I have to take a breather every 30 minutes? No matter how much self-confidence you may have, I believe that we all fall victim to comparison and jealousy.

This sin of comparison is killing us.

That's right. Killing us.

We use comparison like a measuring stick. We assess our own worthiness to others' victories and/or failures. We beat ourselves and others down with it.

I recently discovered a way to describe comparison: It's a thug. It robs your joy. But it's more than that. It makes you a thug who beats down somebody--or your own soul.

The thing about measuring sticks is that we use it to rank people as either big or small. Truth is: we aren't sizes. We are souls. We are God-made souls and because of that, we defy measurements from others and from ourselves. There is no bigger soul nor is there a smaller soul. So there is no point in trying to compare ourselves to others or others to ourselves.

When we walk through life with this measuring stick, our eyes get so small that we can no longer see God.

Here's something to remember:

You were created with intention. Those flaws that we see in ourselves? Those little imperfections that we wish to fix? Yeah....they aren't flaws to God.

When we continuously berate ourselves and pick at our flaws and others' flaws, we are missing the opportunity to bring glory to God by lifting others up.

I also read some advice about defeating the sin of comparison:

Whenever you find yourself comparing your flaws to others, go right up to that person and compliment them on the very thing you are jealous of. Tell them congrats on getting an A on the test. Tell them that you love their hair. Tell them that it's awesome with what they do in the gym.

When we turn comparisons into ways to build people up, the devil loses and God wins.

Blake talks in his spoken word ("Just Be Yourself"--click to watch the video!), about how there's a wish to go back to a time when comparisons didn't happen. When innocence was running rampant and we didn't care who owned what or who had the best hair or eyes or clothes or cars.

One of my favorite verses from his spoken word is: "We should celebrate the fact that we're all so uniquely diverse and actually start to converse; so we can learn about each other as well as learn from one another and celebrate our differences."

He hits it right on the mark. We should celebrate our differences.

My battle cry for this week will be the same thing morning, noon and night:

Boys and girls RIVAL each other. Men and women REVIVE each another. 
Boys and girls EMPALE each another. Men and women EMPOWER each other.
Boys and girls COMPARE each other. Men and women CHAMPION each other. 

Let's not be people who compare each other; let's be people who champion each other.

Like Blake says:

"It's your story. It's the life you've been given. So, celebrate every day, enjoy every second your liven'...We need to be happy by being ourselves...to be cool, simply, just be yourself."

[A big thank you to Blake, who sat down with me to help get rid of my writer's block and to talk about life. Go check out his other cool spoken words on his YouTube Channel: AsToldByGingerSnap.]

In His Love.