Glow Stick

As I sit here watching The Santa Claus and drinking hot chocolate from my favorite Christmas mug, I am filled with so much peace I can't even describe it. My Christmas tree is lit, the room smells like fir trees and chocolate, and I can't stop smiling at the antics of Tim Allen.

This mood is far different than the one I had a few nights ago.

That night, I wasn't happy, I wasn't peaceful and I wasn't feeling the Christmas cheer. I just wanted to lay in bed and sleep the darkness away.

I'm not going to lie...I have nights like that every other month or so. My brain mis-wires and I just shut down. Most of the time, my fiancé (yes! I am engaged! 💑) can't even be the one to comfort me. So, I end up locking myself in my own head until it all goes away.

Those nights are not fun. Not for me and especially not for him. I can't imagine what he feels like when there isn't anything he can do for me. And usually, I can't find anything to help myself either. It's an awful feeling..the helplessness...the darkness...all of it.

The morning after a night like that is usually much better. I'm in a better mood and I can feel things again. This particular morning, however, a Facebook post caught my eye...

And I lost it.

I wanted to run and hide and cry my eyes out because everything in that post was 100% true for me. The only problem? I couldn't hide from God.

This post talked about how we can shine as humans and how we must be broken in order to do so.

You see, we, as humans, are like glow sticks. We sit in our packaging, dark and uninteresting. We may be colorful, but those colors are dull, lifeless. Our potential is very low.

We aren't doing what we were created to do. 

But imagine this: God takes you--a dark, boring glow stick--and breaks you. He breaks you to your very core. To the point where you are bruised, battered and cracked. Then, something amazing happens...

You begin to shine. 

The light that has been hiding inside you all along begins to show. Starting from your core and spreading outward. You get brighter and brighter until all you do is shine.

Sometimes you have to break before you can shine.

God works in so many mysterious, but wondrous ways. He is always working. In you. Around you. For you. He is shaping and molding you into the person he created you to be. Don't push yourself away from Him. Allow Him to break you. Allow Him to place His hands on you so that you can live to your fullest potential.

You see, these dark nights in my life...those are just nights that I need to be broken again in order to shine. I just need to allow God to place His hands on me so that I can shine again.

My life has been a mess of highs and lows, but I am thankful for every single one of them.  Without those moments in my life, I wouldn't be where I am today. I thank God every day for my journey and for Him putting me on it.

So, remember, don't be afraid to break every once in a while. You have to do it in order to shine.

In His Name.

Sweetly Broken

Happy Discounted Chocolate Day!

(This is actually one of my favorite days of the year. That, and the day after Halloween.)

I should also probably say a late Happy Valentine's Day to all of you. It was only yesterday but, to me, it honestly feels like much longer.

I didn't post a Valentine's post last year, but the two years before last, I made sure to post on Valentine's Day about being enough and it being okay to be single of the most "romantic" holiday of the year. I didn't post last year because I was dating someone and I didn't really feel the need to post anything. However, this year, I want to talk just a little about some things that have been on my heart.

Yes, I am dating someone currently and yes, it is someone different than a year ago and someone different than a few months ago. I won't go in to much detail about our relationship, mostly because I want to keep it between us, but also because my relationship is not the subject of this post. I will share a few tidbits throughout this post, but don't expect much else. (If you really want to know, come and ask me or my boyfriend.)

So...Valentine's Day, huh?

A few years ago, I would've laughed and called it "Singles Awareness Day" or "Discounted Chocolate Eve". I would've made extensive plans with my friends and we would've made a night out of it eating chocolate, ice cream and laughing about boys. I would've struggled a bit throughout the day knowing I was single and that the day was meant for couples. I would've cried that night because I would've felt that nobody found me good enough to date.

However, this year, while partly the same, was also different. I have a boyfriend. So, I really should have someone to celebrate this day with, right? Wrong.

My boyfriend lives in Auburn. I live in Rome. We live a (long but short) 140 miles away from each other. He works full time. I attend school full time. We each have busy lives and we really can't see each other during the weekdays and have to settle for short weekend visits. Even then, sometimes we are too busy anyways and won't see each other for weeks at a time. It's hard being in a long distance relationship. And it's really crappy when Valentine's Day falls on the middle of the week.

(Please understand that I'm not complaining about having to be long distance. In fact, I think the long distance makes our relationship grow stronger. Our trust in each other grows every day. And I love the anticipation of seeing him after a long week or two without him.)

So, Valentine's Day was a Tuesday this year. I wasn't very happy about it because I couldn't see my boyfriend to celebrate with him and have a date night. We had already planned on having a date night this weekend when we saw each other again. We made plans to stay in, make homemade pizza and watch movies all night. It was going to be okay.

Except, for me, it wasn't.

I woke up feeling fine, but going throughout my day, I just kept feeling more and more upset about the holiday. I kept seeing girls with roses and boxes of candy and balloons and stuffed animals walking around campus. I saw couples holding hands and eating lunch together. I saw posts ALL OVER social media about couples and presents and their Valentine's date nights. (I mean, I posted a Valentine's Instagram pic too, but it was a throwback pic--most of the ones I was seeing were from that very day.) I was struggling to keep my composure throughout the day.

There was a part of my heart wishing the my boyfriend would surprise me at Berry with flowers and a hug and a date night. I mean, he had the day off and he could surprise me after I got out of class, right? I spent the entire day yesterday wishing and hoping that he would surprise me. That's the kind of person he is anyways. He surprises me with amazing gestures and in my heart, something like driving up to surprise me on Valentine's Day would be no different.

I knew I was being stupid to hope for so much. So in last minute efforts, I decided to get dinner with friends and hang out with them that night. I told my boyfriend and he was excited for me and told me, "go have fun, baby. You deserve it." That's when my heart kind of broke in two. I knew for sure that he wasn't going to surprise me up here. I shouldn't have been as upset as I was and I knew I was being irrational.

But I went and had fun with my friends. We ate dinner, got Starbucks and went to play with puppies for the rest of the night. I laughed; I smiled; I had a genuinely good time with them. Yet, when I got home and got in bed, I was still feeling a little heartbroken. I was purposefully being short with my boyfriend, though he never really asked what was wrong. I went to bed early (earlier than usual), as I didn't feel like doing any homework, and hoped that I could sleep off this feeling of heartbreak.

I will go ahead and say that I woke up in a much better mood this morning. Those feelings are gone now and I know I was being stupid yesterday for feeling those things.

So, I know I just bored you with a story about my Valentine's Day, but I wanted to let you guys in on a little secret:

No matter if you are in a relationship, if you are single, if it's just complicated, Valentine's Day doesn't have to be a crappy holiday. Make plans with your friends or just go treat yourself! You deserve it all and more.

I'll say it again, real love cannot be measured. In Psalms, it is said: "Your steadfast love, O LORD, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds" (Psalms 3:19). God's love for us is immeasurable. It goes far beyond our comprehension. It stretches into forever, towards eternity future.

His love is one that holds no bars. He gives us everything, to the point of sacrificing His own son. At the cross, the perfect love of the triune God was shown most vividly as the Son bore each of our sins for us. This is unquantifiable, immeasurable love.

We are enough. We are more than enough. We may be broken as humans of this earth, but you see...we are sweetly broken and wholly surrendered. 

God loves us no matter what; No matter our pasts; No matter our presents; And no matter our futures. He loves us unconditionally and that's what we need to tell ourselves every single day, not just on Valentine's Day. 

Let's proclaim to society that we are MORE than enough. We are the sons and daughters of a King who "made everything beautiful in its time" (Ecclesiastes 3:11). We were made special and with a unique purpose.

As soon as I woke up this morning, I proclaimed that I am loved by a perfect God and that I am enough for this world. 

I may not have been able to spend Valentine's Day with my boyfriend and I may have not gotten flowers or candy or any presents on that day, but I know I don't have to worry about that with him. He makes me feel special and loved every other day of the week and I know he has fun plans for us this weekend. 

So ladies (and fellas), do not worry about Valentine's Day. Find that one person that makes you feel loved every day of the year not just on the day they are supposed to. And if that person does not exist for you yet, know that God loves you anyways and always. So, trust in that.

In His Name,

Anxious

When I woke up this morning, that feeling was back. That looming feeling of dread.

It was 8am and my heart was racing. Not the racing you get when you're talking to your crush. No. It was an entire-body type of rhythm that caused my entire body to shake. For just a millisecond, it feels like excitement. It feels like something good is going to happen any minute now. Then...the feeling changes. The awful swarm of bees (it's not butterflies when it's not a good feeling) start in my stomach; I feel my face heat from the neck up; my head starts pounding and I feel slightly nauseous; I want to welcome the blanket of darkness that is beginning to cover me. I can't catch my breath. I begin sweating for unknown reasons. I feel like I can't get control of my own body.

Years ago, I wouldn't have had any clue what was going on. I would've thought I was absolutely crazy. I would've thought that the feelings had something to do with the amount of coffee I drank the night before. I would've never guessed that I was having an anxiety attack.

Anxiety is hard to explain to people that don't know what it is or what its symptoms look like. It's hard to explain when all you're told is "Calm down. It'll be okay."

No. It won't.

Anxiety isn't something that you can magically make disappear. It is something that people live with and is quite hard to explain when even you have no idea what is going on inside your mind.

I thought for a while (throughout my college career) that I was just depressed and that there has just a black hole in my mind. Now, after speaking with a counselor about my issues and life, I found that I'm not necessarily depressed, but anxious. And while I don't have prescribed medicine for my anxiety, I do have things that I do on a daily basis to fight the monster that is anxiety.

Anxiety looks like a normal day. It is good and yet, it is bad. It tells me that it's okay to stay in bed and sleep all day...I need the rest. It tells me that I shouldn't go out at night so I can get to class in the morning and then turns around and tells me that I am such a loser for staying in my room by myself and then says there isn't a point in going to class.

Anxiety suffocates me. It tells me I am worthless. It tells me that nobody cares about me and yet anxiety is my best friend because it tricks me.

Anxiety tells me to make a list of things to do for the day and then tells me to throw it out because there is simply too much to do. It tells me to take my time and then chastises me for making myself late. It tells me that it's too much to walk to get dinner from the dining hall. It tells me that there are people there that I don't want to see.

Anxiety soothes me and tells me that I am blessed to have found a major that I love and that I am rare and lucky to have not changed majors at all. Then it tells me that animal science isn't a real career without vet school and that I will never find a job I truly love.

It tells me not to make a scene by throwing away trash during class. It tells me that I shouldn't go to the bathroom during a meeting because everyone will stare at me. It tells me not to answer that phone call and to let the voicemail pick it up. Then, tells me that I shouldn't listen to the voicemail because it's probably just bad news.

It is going to the store and not being able to choose what you really want. It is making you feel like you have to buy everything there and then berates you for spending money. It is going to the self-checkout line so you won't have to converse with anybody.

Anxiety makes me feel overwhelmed about stopping for gas when the light comes on. It makes me want to do new things to my hair and makeup, but then tells me there is no use because it won't change me.

Anxiety is making plans with friends and then canceling because you don't want to go out.

It is a fake smile. It is sweaty palms and a dizzy head. It is a furrowed brow and a rapidly beating heart. It is lonely. It is evil. It is a shadow of darkness covering me when I am alone. It even covers me when I am with a group of people.

Anxiety is misunderstood.

But, let me tell you something. It is not always in control. Yes, it is envious and doesn't want to share me with anyone else. But, I know people are struggling, just like me, and so I share myself anyways.

I'm here to tell you that you are not alone in this. Should I repeat that?

YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE.

You don't have to fight this alone. There are people all around who are struggling with this. I only found out this year that people who are close to me are struggling with this as much as I am.

The minute I realized I was having an attack this morning, I texted a close friend and made plans for dinner. They are a person who won't judge me for anything and someone that I know I can open up to no matter what. I also told my boyfriend how I was feeling and he sent comforting and encouraging words to me. He helped calm my heart and gave me the strength to get up and get ready for the day. I even called to make an appointment with my counselor. I knew that I needed to talk through my feelings and a therapist is a great way to do that. So, find people like that--people who will always be there for you no matter what. Trust me, it makes a huge difference in your life.

Anxiety isn't something to take lightly. It is serious and it is out there. People with anxiety don't want to share their experience. That's a part of being constantly anxious. But, anxiety is not always in control. It isn't. You are. So speak up. Fight. And remember, we are here for you.

If you ever need someone to talk to, I am always available to listen. You can message me on here, or, if I know you, text me. Message me on Facebook. I am here for you. You don't have to do this alone. Much love to you and everyone who is struggling with this.

In His Name.