Sinner

I want to be honest with you guys for a few minutes. I feel that I owe you all that much.

I, Kaitlyn, am a full blown sinner.

Yeah, I admit it. I'm a sinner.

I curse. I'm ashamed to say this, but I do. (Especially while driving and when somebody cuts me off or like to tailgate me). I'm not proud of it and I work hard not to and to exchange those words for something else, but sometimes, it slips and I can't do anything but apologize for it.

I get jealous. Boy, do I get jealous. I'm a girl, so I find myself wishing for a slimmer body, manageable hair, whiter teeth, etc. I want to look like those girls on the covers of magazines.

I'm prideful. I would love to say that I'm not and that I'm as humble as I can be, but that would be lying and I can't do that.

I'm greedy. I want things or myself and don't wish to share them with others.

I'm a glutton. I love food. (People who know me, know how much I love food.) And I understand the horrors of waste of food, but there are times when I'd rather feed myself than the poor and hungry.

I am sometimes a sloth. There are moments when I just want to reject the grace God has given to me.

I experience moments of wrath. I'm a naturally emotional person. I can get angry very easily and very quickly if the wrong thing is said to me or about me.

And last, but not least, I'm lustful. That may be a strange thing for a girl to admit, but we can't deny it. I may not lust after men for sex, but I do lust after relationships and for love.

You see, just like everyone else, I sin. Every week. Every day.

But, here's the thing: even though I sin, I'm forgiven by the grace of my God.

Easter is coming up this Sunday.

Holy week is something of a big deal for me in my journey with Christ. I spend the week doing devotionals and reading my Bible. I tend to listen to only worship and praise and work on focusing my free time, praying and journaling. I watch and re-watch Passion of the Christ and start posting bible verse all over my room.

Easter is the time to celebrate God's grace. He clothed Himself in flesh and came down to this earth all to be put on a cross to die for our sins. We are cleansed from our mistakes and are forgiven for our sins.

His grace means that all of our mistakes now serve a purpose instead of serving shame.

I get chills every time I think about that.

This past week, I went through a mid-college crisis and broke down one night. I cried and cried and couldn't stop. I wanted life to stop. I felt like I couldn't handle it anymore. It even came to the point where I almost picked up a knife. But I didn't.

I immediately texted a few friends about it and within ten minutes, I had people in my room, holding my hands, hugging me and making sure I was okay and sane enough to make it through the night. They dropped everything and came to me when I was in need.

I am so blessed by those relationships. The fact that they would put down whatever they were doing doing just to check on me and make sure I was safe means the world to me. Even though I sin and make mistake after mistake, they still care for me day after day.

(So thank you to those people--my people--who came to me that night. Thank you.)

So as Easter comes around the corner, let's remember a few things:

1. God loves us despite the fact that we fail Him everyday. He shows us this through His never ending grace. He sent His son to die for us. If that isn't everlasting and merciful love, I don't know what is.

2. God can transform a sin-stained soul into a masterpiece of grace. We are washed clean by His sacrifice and we are forgiven through His love. There is no greater thing in the word than this.

3. God loves us even in our darkest times (Romans 5:8).

4. Our sins are paid in full. Every day. Every hour. Every minute. We don't have to worry about our debt because Jesus paid it for us.

5. And most of all, death has been defeated by love.

Let me repeat that...

Death has been DEFEATED by love.

The darkness of the world...the worst thing that humans can experience has been vanquished and slain by God's everlasting love for us.

How amazing is that??

In His amazing, everlasting love.

Guardian

I know I post a lot about dating and boys and I would apologize for it, but I'm not going to. I feel that in my life and a lot of other girls' lives, boys are a main cause of heartache and drama. And that should so not be the case. 

I'm going to start this post by talking a little bit about myself. 

I'm 19 years old. I'm a sophomore in college. I'm single. I've never had a serious boyfriend. I've never even been kissed. 

Trust me, I've had my fair share of crushes and dates. I have. I just haven't found someone I would like to have a serious relationship with and whoever that will be hasn't found me either. 

Ever since I was old enough to understand boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, I've had a longing in my heart for something like that. I long for someone I can lean on, someone to tell my fears and wishes to, someone to love. And my longing for that isn't wrong. It isn't sinful in any aspect. I've talked about it before, and I will say it again: it is natural for us, as humans, to long for a relationship such as that. We aren't perfect; we want things. God knows this. And it is okay.

(However, this type of longing is different--very different--from a longing such as lust.)

What I really wanted to focus on, though, is the Bible verse, Proverbs 4:23: 

"Above all else, guard your hearts, for everything you do flows from it."

I spent my entire teenage years (from middle school to now) pouring myself into devotionals and self-help books for dating, sex, single-life, etc. They all taught young girls how to be safe when dating, about purity, about kissing, about courting over dating, about abstinence,  about flirting, about everything and anything that had to do with relationships with the opposite sex.

I have always had trouble when it comes to boys that I like. I give too much of myself way too quickly. This mostly is an affect from my longing of a relationship. I have a hard time holding myself back and I definitely have a very hard time being a challenge to get. 

I used to blame all the guys for them not wanting to date me or for me not wanting to date them. Everything was put on them when, in reality, everything should be put on me. It wasn't always the guy's fault that he wasn't right for me. I'm too trusting. I give pieces of my heart out to everybody without a second thought to what could possibly happen. 

Because of this, I end up getting hurt a lot. People take my heart, crumble it up and throw it right back at me. You would think I would learn from it all, right? Well, I haven't. Not yet anyway.

So what does it really mean to "guard your heart"?

I found this article that gave a great description on guarding your heart. I'll let you read part of it:

Examine his intentions and yours — communicate clearly

It’s been said that in every relationship involving a single man and woman there comes a moment when one or both individuals raise the question, “Could we be more than friends?”

How you handle this question may determine if you can even survive as friends. If you’re developing feelings for one of your male friends, begin to look for clues about how he feels for you. Does he treat you differently than other women? Does he talk to you about his interest in other women? What is his history with women? Does he tend to ask women out on dates or is he more shy and reserved? Also, ask a trustworthy friend about her thoughts. Then, pray. At some point you may want to confess your feelings for him, but don’t place your entire heart before him. You may want to suggest your feelings in a guarded way such as, “Sometimes when I’m with you, I can’t help but feel attracted to you, but I really appreciate our friendship and wouldn’t want to jeopardize that. What do you think?” Place the ball in his court.

On the flip side, if you sense he is the one having feelings, be intentional about guarding his heart if you’re not interested in him. Don’t string him along. While the attention, adoration, and compliments are enjoyable, you’re not being fair to him. You may want to try the “clue in” method. Talk about how much his friendship means to you. Talk to him about other men you’re interested in. Don’t make yourself readily available 24/7. You may need to make emotional distance, by scheduling fewer activities or spending less time with him overall.

Set limitations

It’s great to get to know someone new, but avoid making the person the center of your life. You have no idea whether this person is in your life for a short season or the long haul, so know your boundaries. You may want to set limitations on the amount of time and activities you do together. These don’t have to be spoken; they can simply be a conscious decision on your part.

If there isn’t a romantic interest on his part, you may want to consider avoiding too many one-on-one activities. Try to avoid romantic situations that will tug on your heartstrings even more. Watching sunsets over the mountains, staring at the stars under a blanket at night or viewing a movie when all his roommates are gone may feel good at the time, but they may not be the best activities for your heart. Only you can determine what you can handle, but use wisdom! Proverbs 4:6 says, “Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you.”

Remember to guard your mind

Don’t let your mind run free and play the big “what if” game. Don’t begin rearranging your life around a feeling or hunch. Don’t plan the wedding and honeymoon before he’s even asked you on the second date. Keep your thought life balanced. If you find yourself thinking about him too much, turn the thoughts into prayers. Pray for him, and continue to seek God’s best for both of you. Don’t let your heart or mind go much further than his.

Honor your future spouse when weighing actions and behavior

This applies to the physical and emotional realm. When considering how far you should go with a person of the opposite sex emotionally or physically, keep your future spouse in mind. What would dishonor him? What do you want to reserve just for him? In your body, soul and being? This will help you draw lines early and avoid compromise. I Timothy 4: 12 says, “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.”

Remember that your life choices are creating a living testimony. Live a story that you can tell your children without having to edit. You may want to ask a friend to hold you accountable to your actions and decisions.

Be wary of unhealthy relationships

Women often have deep compassion and caring wells. They have an innate ability to nurture others and a desire not just to be loved, but to love. I often fall into the trap of helping the bird with the broken wing. Most of us have experienced it. A bird flies into your glass window and is knocked unconscious. You find it still breathing and take it in your home. You prepare an old cardboard box with rags and linens. You keep it safe and warm and try to feed it until it is well. When you release it back into the wild, seeing it fly away brings joy and pain. Joy, because you’ve accomplished your mission. Pain, because your heart has become involved. Recognize that everyone who comes into your life isn’t your responsibility to help or nurture.

Take some time to reflect on the men that attract you. Are there any unhealthy patterns? Do you fall for controlling, manipulating or unmotivated men? Have you been involved in emotionally or physically abusive relationships? If so, it’s time to break the cycle and begin guarding your heart. Make a conscious decision to pursue healthy relationships.

Look for love in all the right places

Ephesians 3:17-18 says, “And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge — that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” Your true value and identity are found only in God.

(From "A Single Woman's Guide to Guarding Her Heart")

Reading that helped me in focusing on God and God's will for me. I am more willing than ever to guard my heart. 

I mean, perhaps the best way to guard our hearts is to abandon them to Jesus. 

Just remember, God has a bigger and better plan for you than you can ever imagine. So let Him be the one to lead you.

In His love,

Kaitlyn

Pure

(ANNOUNCEMENT: The following conversation was real. And, yes, it was between me and a guy [who wanted to ask me out] I had met a few weeks earlier. It won't be verbatim, but it'll be close to the real conversation we had.)


HIM: So, what are your views on sex?

ME: Oh, well, since I'm Christian, I believe that premarital sex is wrong.

HIM: So, you're a virgin?

ME: Uhhhh....yeah. I am.

HIM: But, you're like 19 years old. And in college.

ME: And?

HIM: You shouldn't be a virgin at 19. That's unheard of in these times. Even I'm not a virgin and I'm still a Christian.

ME: Okay...well, I'm a virgin. Deal with it.


Really? REALLY? So, apparently, we live in a society where it's unheard of to be a virgin in college. Why is that? Why do I have to have sex in order to be accepted by others?

Obviously, that conversation died after that and I just told him that I wanted to be friends only and what not. It's not that I wouldn't date him because he wasn't a virgin. It was the fact that he believed that sex before marriage is okay while I don't believe that. 

But, let's take some time to talk about this. About sex and Christianity. 

Let me start by saying that sex is good. (Yes. I just said that.) Sex is good. God created it to be good. He created it for husband and wife to express their love for one another.

Genesis 1: 27-28 – “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number;” (NIV)

Genesis 2:24 – “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” (NIV)

Proverbs 5:18-19 – “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer — may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.” (NIV)

Song of Songs 7:6 – “How beautiful you are and how pleasing, O love, with your delights!” (NIV)

1 Corinthians 6:13 – “The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.” (NIV)

With that said, the Bible/God also says that while sex is good, premarital sex is not good. Society focuses a lot of things on and around sex. Sex is in just about every magazine, newspaper, television show, and movie. It is the point of a lot of music. Our world has gotten lax about sex, making it seem like premarital sex is okay because it feels good, but the Bible does not agree. God calls us all to control our passions and wait for marriage.

1 Corinthians 7:2-3 – “But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.” (NIV)

Hebrews 13:4 – “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” (NIV)

1 Thessalonians 4:3-4 – “It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable” (NIV)

I will be glad to admit that staying pure is difficult in a world such as ours. Propositions can be made and when in college, it can be much easier to find that one night stand or to find someone to have sex with. I have not yet been tempted to have sex while in college. I know it is a possibility, and I will deal with it when it gets to that point. However, at this point in time, I'm not worried about it. 

I'm a single girl in college. I don't have any love interests or anybody I'm "talking" to at the moment. At this point, it is easy to remain pure. When I have a boyfriend, it'll get harder, I'm sure. But I'm happy at this moment in my life. 

Temptation is hard. I know. But we have to trust the God has a better plan for us and that He is right and good all the time. So, if you find yourself tempted, turn to Him. Trust Him. Lean on Him. Send your worries and burdens to Him. He will take them from you gladly.

He is good all the time. All the time, He is good.

Have faith.

In His love.