It honestly doesn't feel real to me. I feel like I should still be coloring pictures for homework and drink out of tiny juice boxes.
I have one more week of final exams and then I get to return home for the summer. I cannot wait to be back in a nice, soft bed with a home-cooked meal and actual water pressure in my shower. I will get to return to my old job as well as getting to return to my friends in Auburn.
Like I said, I cannot wait.
So, why is it that I'm sitting here underneath the stars, sobbing uncontrollably because I have to leave in a week?
The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I've been struggling a lot with some things in my life and it wasn't until recently that I've realized that I let them slowly control my life and everything in it.
I've let these things consume me until it was all I thought and worried and stressed over.
Boys.
School.
Friends.
Family.
Money.
Jobs.
Those are just a few of the many things that have been swirling around in my head recently. Notice how I didn't mention God or my Bible or my faith. Yeah, I've been failing at that recently. I haven't been giving Him the time He needs from me on a day to day basis.
Instead, I've allowed drama to seep into my life and start to take over. Boy drama, friend drama, family drama; it's all there. And I am so, so ashamed of that.
I told myself that I wanted this semester to be drama free and that I would take a step back from everything and anything to do with drama. I guess that was a stupid promise to make on my part, because naturally, drama finds me (or I find it).
I guess part of it is because I don't have the courage to tell people how I really feel. I let it sit in me until eventually I burst and it al comes out in one heap. (And that is sooo not the way to tell people how you feel about them.)
I hate confrontation, so anything that has to do with me owning up to stuff in front of people is a no-no. This is why I told the guy I was crushing on that I liked him via text message. And why I refused to look my friend in the eye when I told her how upset I was with her for dumping me for other, "cooler" people. And also why I struggled with telling my mom how left out I felt in the family now that I don't live at home anymore and was missing everything that went on.
Today, I felt overwhelmed. So, naturally, I went on a midnight drive to do some stargazing and some deep thinking.
And here we are. With me still sobbing and you most likely thinking I'm a crazy person. (I'm not. I promise. I'm just emotional.)
Crying has helped relieve some stress from finals and everything. It has also helped me finally and clearly see the problems that have been in my life recently. Just a little while ago as I began to type this up, one of my favorite songs (Love Ran Red--Chris Tomlin) came on the radio and I just had to turn it all the way up and belt the song from the top of my lungs.
And when the song ended, I heard God speak to me. I closed my eyes and listened to Him whisper in my ear:
"Kaitlyn, my beautiful daughter, lean on Me. I am here for you. I will never forsake you. Let go of all these burdens and give them to Me. I will take them from you and put them on my back. Let Me carry these for you. Just hand them to Me.
"Remember, my love, that you are a beautiful creation of Mine. I wove you together from dust. You are perfectly imperfect in every single way and that is why I love you so. You are My daughter--My wonderful, beautiful, magnificent daughter--My Princess.
"My plan for you is so great. Don't ever forget that. I know you may want to lead your own life and I understand, but, my darling, let My will be done. I love you."
My God is so amazing. After tonight, I feel that I can make it through anything. With Him by my side every step of the way I know I can do anything I put my mind to. I'm thankful and so very blessed for a God such as this.
In His love.
