Thankful

So, it's my first Friday night back at school and I'm sitting in my room by myself. Down the road, there's a back-to-school dance going on; there's a huge volleyball match right outside my window; people were baking cookies earlier in the kitchen. There's a lot of stuff going on tonight, but I decided to stay in. Part of the reason is because I have an awful headache and a fever, so I don't feel so well. And the other part is because I wanted to spend time in the Word. I haven't done that a lot recently, and I felt like tonight was a perfect night to do so.

So here I am. With my mug full of hot tea, my Bible opened, my praise music on, and my new devotional already covered in my handwriting.

I started my time with my Father by opening my journal and working on my Thankful List.

Now, many of you may be wondering what a Thankful List is and I'm happy to explain.

About a year ago, one of my very best friends told me about this list she had been keeping where she wrote down everything she is thankful for. Obviously, I was intrigued. She told me that whenever something that she took for granted or just was happy about, she would write it on the list. The challenge was to find 1000 things to be thankful for. Yes, you can repeat things. (You're allowed to be thankful for something more than once in your life.)

So, the next day, I found a journal that I was going to discard because I honestly didn't want to look at it anymore. (Note: I'm about to go into a side-tracked story for you to understand why I wanted to get rid of the journal.) 

On the front of it was the logo for Winshape, the Christian program at my school. You have to apply to be in this program and I did so. I even got as far as the interview process. I got to spend two days at this wonderful place where college students spent their days with each other praising God and having fun. 

To put it plainly, I fell in love with Winshape and the people there. I wanted to be a part of it. I wanted it like nothing I've ever wanted before.

After the interview process, they told us that we would be contacted in a few months for whether we got in or not. I anxiously waited for that letter. I checked the mail obsessively for weeks. I got a care package from them which contained a sticker for my car and this journal, among other little things. I was so optimistic that I went ahead and put the sticker on my car's back windshield.

Then the letter came. It was too thin. I knew without even opening it that I hadn't made it. I could barely even open it because I was shaking so badly. Once I finally opened it and read those heartbreaking few sentences, I broke down. I cried and cried and cried. I felt betrayed by God. I thought He had wanted me there. I thought that He pushed me that far because He wanted me to be a part of Winshape. 

That rejection hurt. A lot. I didn't want to look at anything to do with Winshape for a few weeks. It hurt to tell those friends I made while at the interview process that I didn't make it. I couldn't talk to any of them without breaking down and crying.

I threw away the letters from Winshape, and most of the stuff they had sent me save for a devotional, that car sticker and the journal.

It wasn't until that day that I found the journal, that I realized how thankful I was for the opportunity to interview with Winshape. Not many people get that far and I did. Obviously, God didn't want me there at that time, and I realized last year, that Winshape wasn't meant for me at all. God has bigger and better plans for me and my life, so I put my trust in Him that He knows what they are.

But anyway, after realizing that, I opened this journal and started my 1000 Things to be Thankful For list. And let me say, it's something that I treasure. I will admit that it's hard sometimes. It's been a year and I'm only halfway through the list. Somedays, I feel like I don't have something to be thankful for. But I try to write at least one thing per day no matter what.

And the cool thing is that this list can include everything from serious things to downright silly things. For example (as you can see from my pictures), I wrote down things from Subway to life in general, from my roommate to One Direction, from my faith to bubble baths. We have so so much to give thanks to.

I wrote about 15 things tonight and I'll probably write more after this post. But, my devotional tonight actually dealt with being thankful. I read so many verses about thankfulness and I am so happy that I live in a world under a God who has given me so much to be thankful for.

Take a look at these 20 verses on thankfulness:

1 Thessalonians 5:18

Psalm 107:1

Ephesians 5:20

Colossians 3:15-17

James 1:17

Philippians 4:6

2 Corinthians 9:15

Psalm 106:1

Psalm 105:1

Colossians 4:2

Psalm 118:1-18

Psalm 20:4

Psalm 30:12

Colossians 3:17

Romans 1:21

Psalm 100:4

Isaiah 12:4-5

1 Chronicles 29:13

Philemon 1:4

That is twenty (TWENTY) verse about being thankful. And I'm sure there are many many more. The ability to be thankful and to express thanks to our Lord is pretty cool and I want to be able to remember to do it every day. I want to wake up each morning and tell God thanks for just giving me another day to live. I want to go to bed every night and tell Him thanks for everything that happened that day. And I plan on doing both those things everyday now.

Trust me, every one of you reading this is on my Thankful List. I love you guys immensely and I thank you for letting me vent or just express my feelings or thoughts towards you guys. Y'all really are great.

Be thankful for what and who you have in your life. Don't take anything for granted. And live a full life.

In His love,

Kaitlyn

Pure

(ANNOUNCEMENT: The following conversation was real. And, yes, it was between me and a guy [who wanted to ask me out] I had met a few weeks earlier. It won't be verbatim, but it'll be close to the real conversation we had.)


HIM: So, what are your views on sex?

ME: Oh, well, since I'm Christian, I believe that premarital sex is wrong.

HIM: So, you're a virgin?

ME: Uhhhh....yeah. I am.

HIM: But, you're like 19 years old. And in college.

ME: And?

HIM: You shouldn't be a virgin at 19. That's unheard of in these times. Even I'm not a virgin and I'm still a Christian.

ME: Okay...well, I'm a virgin. Deal with it.


Really? REALLY? So, apparently, we live in a society where it's unheard of to be a virgin in college. Why is that? Why do I have to have sex in order to be accepted by others?

Obviously, that conversation died after that and I just told him that I wanted to be friends only and what not. It's not that I wouldn't date him because he wasn't a virgin. It was the fact that he believed that sex before marriage is okay while I don't believe that. 

But, let's take some time to talk about this. About sex and Christianity. 

Let me start by saying that sex is good. (Yes. I just said that.) Sex is good. God created it to be good. He created it for husband and wife to express their love for one another.

Genesis 1: 27-28 – “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number;” (NIV)

Genesis 2:24 – “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” (NIV)

Proverbs 5:18-19 – “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer — may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.” (NIV)

Song of Songs 7:6 – “How beautiful you are and how pleasing, O love, with your delights!” (NIV)

1 Corinthians 6:13 – “The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.” (NIV)

With that said, the Bible/God also says that while sex is good, premarital sex is not good. Society focuses a lot of things on and around sex. Sex is in just about every magazine, newspaper, television show, and movie. It is the point of a lot of music. Our world has gotten lax about sex, making it seem like premarital sex is okay because it feels good, but the Bible does not agree. God calls us all to control our passions and wait for marriage.

1 Corinthians 7:2-3 – “But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.” (NIV)

Hebrews 13:4 – “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” (NIV)

1 Thessalonians 4:3-4 – “It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable” (NIV)

I will be glad to admit that staying pure is difficult in a world such as ours. Propositions can be made and when in college, it can be much easier to find that one night stand or to find someone to have sex with. I have not yet been tempted to have sex while in college. I know it is a possibility, and I will deal with it when it gets to that point. However, at this point in time, I'm not worried about it. 

I'm a single girl in college. I don't have any love interests or anybody I'm "talking" to at the moment. At this point, it is easy to remain pure. When I have a boyfriend, it'll get harder, I'm sure. But I'm happy at this moment in my life. 

Temptation is hard. I know. But we have to trust the God has a better plan for us and that He is right and good all the time. So, if you find yourself tempted, turn to Him. Trust Him. Lean on Him. Send your worries and burdens to Him. He will take them from you gladly.

He is good all the time. All the time, He is good.

Have faith.

In His love.

Believer

(PSA: This post will not be a rant on why you should believe in God. Nor will it be one where I tell you over and over again that your beliefs are wrong.)

Today, my family rented the movie God's Not Dead. Let me just say, while this is a good movie, it is by no means the best. I feel that the movie only focuses on the Christian side of the argument while completely ignoring or overshadowing the atheist's view.

But, I don't want to delve into the details of the movie. Watch it and decide for yourselves.

However, this movie has inspired me to write this post. I want to put something out there:

If you couldn't tell, I'm a Christian.

Shocking. I know.

I believe in an all powerful, all knowing God.

Being a Christian in this world is hard. People want to tear you down. Society wants to tear you down. The Devil wants to tear you down. It's easy to get lost in a world such as this.

Here's the catch.

This God that I believe in...you know, the all powerful, all knowing one? Yeah...He also forgives you for everything that you do. Any sin? It's forgiven. You are washed clean. God sent His son, Jesus Christ to this earth to forgive us from all sins. He sent His ONE and ONLY son to die. For us. (John 3:16)

How amazing is that??

I mean...death has been defeated by Love. His Love.

God wants us to have an everlasting life with Him in heaven. This is why we are forgiven. When we confess our sins and confess that Jesus is Lord, we are saved and we are freed for the pain and aguish of this world. (Romans 10:9)

Now, I'm not going to sit here and claim that I don't sin and that I'm a perfect Christian. I'm not. I fail my Father every day. I'm not faithful to Him like I should be. I cheat and lie and don't listen to His word. I don't necessarily believe in a perfect Christian. Perfection doesn't exist in our world. Perfection is left up to God and His plans for us.

So, that's really all I wanted to say. God is pretty awesome and He does pretty awesome things.

I'm a believer and proud of it.

In His love.

Depressed

Now, before any of you go freaking out...no. I am not depressed. I am not suffering through depression. I am perfectly happy with my current life and want to keep on living it.

I just wanted to take a few minutes to discuss depression with you guys. The news about comedian Robin Williams is all over media and I felt it fitting to talk about what depression is and what it does to people around us.

I want to point our, first of all, the depression is not a sin. It isn't. Nor is it a choice. It isn't a character defect, a spiritual disorder, or an emotional dysfunction. Depression is a mental illness that should be taken very seriously. Viewing depression as a sin in and of itself ultimately prevents individuals from seeking treatment.

We are all human. We are of flesh. So, it is natural for us to feel upset and to feel sad. We cannot all be happy all the time.

I'm beyond willing to admit to you guys that I used to be depressed. Now, I never went to a doctor and was never given prescription medicines to combat my depression. However, I diagnosed myself.

You guys know my story. It was in high school that I began to stray from God and everything I used to know. I didn't want to go out anymore. I didn't want to hang out with my friends. I didn't want to go to church. I didn't want to attend youth group or any social gathering for that matter. I just wanted to stay in bed and be antisocial.

I wasn't happy anymore. Yeah, I would smile in front of others, but it was a fake smile. I was lying through my smiles and forced laughs. And the thing is that, I thought that nobody was paying attention. That they didn't care enough to be able to tell that everything I was saying was a lie.

That just caused me to sink further into myself and into that dark hole. Dark thoughts clouded my head every day.

If people don't care, why should I?

Why does everything hurt so much?

People wouldn't care if I was gone, right?

I want this pain to end.

What if I ended it?

What if I ended me?

Yes, it did get that far. I began to self-harm. I had suicidal thoughts weekly. I was not well.

Luckily, I was able to get help. From family. From friends. From people who loved and cared for me.

And here I am today. Alive and healthy. I still have scars lining my arms, but they tell my story. I am not ashamed of them because I defeated death and depression. I won.

Please understand though, I still have some thoughts like that. They aren't often, but I do have them. When I get upset to the point of where I don't think I can handle life anymore, I begin to wonder about slipping into my old ways. But I don't. I start to pray and have God take everything from me.

So, yes. I am a Christian and I had depression. There are some people who believe that Christians can't have depression. Just because we have an amazing God, doesn't mean that we don't get upset at times. Like I said before, depression isn't a choice. It's a serious mental illness.

"Often, we ignore the fact that our spiritual condition and psychological state of mind are highly affected by what is happening to us physically. Sometimes depression is simply the result of exhaustion. In 1 Kings 19, we read how the prophet Elijah, worn out from his struggles to defeat Jezebel and her prophets of the pagan deity Baal, is so depressed that he cries out to God to end his life. In response, God tells Elijah to eat a good meal and go to bed, and that he will feel differently in the morning. For those of us who are depressed because we’re not getting enough sleep (and most Americans don’t), it is a great comfort that we can take our burdens to Christ, and He will give us rest.

Diet and exercise also figure into our emotional and spiritual conditions. The Bible tells us that the body is “the temple of God” (1 Corinthians 6:19), and it is sad how badly most of us treat our bodies. How many of us would feel more spiritually alive and joyful if only we exercised and stopped dumping junk food into God’s temple? Big doses of chocolate bars can put us on a high, but we'll experience a spiritual and psychological downtime a short time later.

Depression can also be brought on by chemical imbalances in the body. A person’s DNA can trigger chemical reactions that put him or her into an intensive funk. For women, the bodily changes that accompany menopause can bring on extreme depression. With prayer, “all things are possible,” but escaping from depression that is due to a chemical imbalance in the body through prayer alone is not probable. Those who try to dissuade religious people from getting medical help for clinical depression, claiming that faith alone is the cure, can do devastating harm. In many cases, a severe depression that lasts more than a few days is bio-physically based and requires medical treatment. This is certainly true for any who suffer from a bipolar condition. A psychiatrist is trained to diagnose both medical and mental causes of depression. To seek such treatment does not denote a lack of faith, but rather evidence of a willingness to take advantage of what God has made available to us through modern science."


     [[Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Health/Emotional-Health/Christians-Take-Depression-Seriously.aspx?p=2#6QJV448hLcdaxBOG.99]]

I also just wanted to say please don't joke around about depression. You don't know who's suffering through it at this present moment. I personally take offense when people joke about going to kill themselves or say (kind of snottily) that my band aids make it look like I cut myself. 

Just be mindful of what you say to others. It can really hurt even if you don't mean it to. 

Also, if you are feeling anything like I've been describing, please go talk to someone. It can be a parent, friend, doctor, relative, anybody. Don't let yourself get to that low point where you are self harming for release. There are hotlines and websites to help out with anything and everything. Don't be scared to reach out.

For now, that's all I have to say. If anybody needs someone to talk to, I am always available. Text me. Call me. Stop by my house. Write me a letter. Shoot me an email. I'm always willing to talk.

Stay cool. Radiate positive vibes.

Kaitlyn

Emotional Wreck

Hey guys.

Have you ever had one of those days when it seems like the weight of the world is on your shoulders? One when all you want to do is just take a break from society and hole up in your room? One when you just want to cry for five hours straight for no particular reason?

Today was one of those days.

Now, at the moment, I don't feel stressed by any means. It's the end of summer, and I'm just focused on hanging out with friends, working, and trying to get that last bit a tanning time in.

But, for some reason, today just felt like a day that I needed to let everything out. So, I did. And by everything, I mean everything.

I started by blasting music and dancing around the house. That helped get rid of all the pent up energy I had the past few weeks.

Next, I watched a funny movie because I needed to have a good laugh.

Then was taking a Nerf Gun and aiming it at cans lined up on the ground. That got out a lot of frustrations.

And finally, at this point, I just want to sit down and cry for about five hours straight. I feel the tears coming as I write this. They are just waiting to spill over onto my cheeks. And I'm ready for them.

I don't have a particular reason to cry. I just need to. I'm a girl. I keep some emotions inside of me during the day/week/month. And sometimes I just need to let it all out at once. So, I picked today to do so.

Now, don't fret over me. I have a box of tissues by my side, along with a glass of water, some good crying music, and my dragon pillow pet. (Although, I do wish I had my dog to hold or a person to hold me while I cried, but I can't be too picky here.)

Anyway, I just wanted to drop by and say it is more than okay to have days like these. I usually have one about once a month. We all need a little time to ourselves to get our emotions in check. So feel free to take a day for yourself. You deserve it.

With His Love,

Kaitlyn