Glow Stick

As I sit here watching The Santa Claus and drinking hot chocolate from my favorite Christmas mug, I am filled with so much peace I can't even describe it. My Christmas tree is lit, the room smells like fir trees and chocolate, and I can't stop smiling at the antics of Tim Allen.

This mood is far different than the one I had a few nights ago.

That night, I wasn't happy, I wasn't peaceful and I wasn't feeling the Christmas cheer. I just wanted to lay in bed and sleep the darkness away.

I'm not going to lie...I have nights like that every other month or so. My brain mis-wires and I just shut down. Most of the time, my fiancé (yes! I am engaged! 💑) can't even be the one to comfort me. So, I end up locking myself in my own head until it all goes away.

Those nights are not fun. Not for me and especially not for him. I can't imagine what he feels like when there isn't anything he can do for me. And usually, I can't find anything to help myself either. It's an awful feeling..the helplessness...the darkness...all of it.

The morning after a night like that is usually much better. I'm in a better mood and I can feel things again. This particular morning, however, a Facebook post caught my eye...

And I lost it.

I wanted to run and hide and cry my eyes out because everything in that post was 100% true for me. The only problem? I couldn't hide from God.

This post talked about how we can shine as humans and how we must be broken in order to do so.

You see, we, as humans, are like glow sticks. We sit in our packaging, dark and uninteresting. We may be colorful, but those colors are dull, lifeless. Our potential is very low.

We aren't doing what we were created to do. 

But imagine this: God takes you--a dark, boring glow stick--and breaks you. He breaks you to your very core. To the point where you are bruised, battered and cracked. Then, something amazing happens...

You begin to shine. 

The light that has been hiding inside you all along begins to show. Starting from your core and spreading outward. You get brighter and brighter until all you do is shine.

Sometimes you have to break before you can shine.

God works in so many mysterious, but wondrous ways. He is always working. In you. Around you. For you. He is shaping and molding you into the person he created you to be. Don't push yourself away from Him. Allow Him to break you. Allow Him to place His hands on you so that you can live to your fullest potential.

You see, these dark nights in my life...those are just nights that I need to be broken again in order to shine. I just need to allow God to place His hands on me so that I can shine again.

My life has been a mess of highs and lows, but I am thankful for every single one of them.  Without those moments in my life, I wouldn't be where I am today. I thank God every day for my journey and for Him putting me on it.

So, remember, don't be afraid to break every once in a while. You have to do it in order to shine.

In His Name.

Saved

Hey you guys. It's been a while, huh? Sorry about that. I've been kind of busy with graduation, moving into a new apartment, and just life as an adult. The past two weeks or so, however, I've had a lot on my plate with working a full time job, trying to balance friendships, relationships, and my family and being caught up with an array of illnesses (a cold, bronchitis, sinusitis, and walking pneumonia). Even with all this going on, I've had a lot on my mind and I would like to get it all out on here if possible. So, just bear with me for a moment.

(An updated selfie for you all)

A few weeks ago, I was talking to my boyfriend after a long day at work and I just broke down, admitting to him that I felt so alone. I explained to him that it felt like I didn't have any friends here and that all I did was stay of the apartment and go to work. I wanted to be able to go out and do things with people like I did while I was at Berry. I was tired of being so alone.

He tried to explain that we were saving money and that all I had to do was contact my friends to hang out with them. (However, I didn't explain to him the complicated relationships I had with many people still here in Auburn.) I shook my head and told him that it's very hard for me to be the first to say something because I don't want to be a bother and I feel like I'm annoying if I do so. He finally talked me into texting some friends from Berry and when they responded, I felt so much relief. All it took was one text, and then, we were connected again.

It's hard for me to go hang out with people especially when our off days don't line up or when I work till 11 every night. However, I do have fun at work with many friends, and I still enjoy keeping up with them via texts or pictures.

The main reason for this post isn't to talk about how I figured out the key to healthy relationships (it's communication if you were wondering)...it's to talk about how many of these people saved me from myself and how they continue to save me every day.

This week is National Suicide Prevention Week.

If you don't know me (which many of you may not), many years ago, while I was in high school, I became depressed and even subjected myself to self-harm on multiple occasions. During that time, there were a couple instances when I even thought that my life didn't matter and that killing myself would be the only way to end my pain.

(If you want to read more of my story, see it here: "Broken and Healed")

Suicide is a very touchy subject with me; however, I am more than willing to share my story and offer help to others. (By touchy, I mean I don't like to joke about it or hear others joke about it.)

I used to think that nobody cared about me...that no one cared if I was hurting myself on purpose or that I wasn't acting like myself. It took a lot of people to put their hands on me to convince me that I was worth it. It still takes a village to remind me that I matter every day. Here's a few of those people:

(My actual fam)

(my Chick-fil-a fam)

This doesn't even amass to my entire village. This probably only covers 5% of it. These people are my stronghold. Every day that I feel like I'm about to fall back into that hole, they are the ones who lift me out of it. My village expands from Auburn, AL to Rome, GA, from California to Washington D.C., and from Haiti to Africa. My village covers the world. And I am so thankful for them every day.

When I was placed on bed rest from contracting walking pneumonia and three other viruses, these people were the first ones to text, to call and to give hugs, making sure I was okay and taken care of. No matter how stubborn I was, they were the ones to drag me to Urgent Care, to supply me with soup and to send me home from work when I'm dead on my feet. 

I can't imagine a greater village to be a part of. 

Even after seven years, I still have 'dark' thoughts. It's a mental illness. I can't really stop it. I don't blame myself for them and I don't blame anyone else. The one thing I do tell myself, though, is that my village is always here for me. No matter what. 

And YOUR village is here for you too. Take a moment and look around. You have SO MANY people who care about and for you. I care about you. Please don't ever think that suicide is an option for you. You are on this earth for a reason. We all love you. At the end of this post, I am going to post numbers and websites that you can use if you are in that dark place and it seems like there is no way out.

First, I am going to share a song with you. This song is fairly new and it honestly means so much to me. And I hope it can share hope and life with you as well. 

Second, I want to thank my village for everything they've done for me. You may not realize you played a part, but you did and I will be forever grateful. I love you all so much. 

And finally, feel free to message me if you need to talk or vent about life. I may not know you and I don't have to. Sometimes all we need is someone to listen to us and not judge. And trust me, I'm far from judging anyone for anything. 

I love you all.

In His Name

Kaitlyn

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

TWLOHA: https://twloha.com

Hopeful

When I was a freshman in college, I wrote a letter to myself and tucked it away for when I was about to graduate as a senior. I forgot all about it. Today, I pulled it out and read it and cried. And cried. And cried. I was not aware of how much I needed this today. Sometimes the biggest blessings are the ones you don't see coming. I am going to share this letter with you, because I think it is something everyone needs to hear. Especially those who are graduating in a few days. Much love. 

Dear Kaitlyn, 

I am so proud of you. You’ve worked really hard to get where you are, and I want you to relax now. You have so many good things coming, you don’t have to work as hard as you think you do. Enjoy your life and watch things unfold, all in perfect time. Time to square your shoulders back, hold your head high, and keep moving through your life with grace and ease. And don’t forget to smile!

I can tell you that you will not remember all those little tasks, deadlines and emails you worry about. You’ve got the small stuff covered. You’ve accomplished every goal you’ve ever set and then some. I hope you are as proud of yourself as I am.

Amidst all the external definitions of success, please don’t forget to look inward.

A few reminders:

Take care of yourself. Eat well. Exercise. Get outside. Get plenty of sleep. Rest and remember to spend plenty of time alone. Put yourself first so that you can share your best gifts with the world.

Be nicer to yourself. Weighing ten pounds less does not make you a better or more interesting person. Weighing ten or twenty pounds more does not make you unloveable. For every day or every moment you criticize yourself, you are cheating yourself out of your fullest joy.

Face some hard truths. You will hit rough patches. You will have more “lowest moments of your life.” Again you will find yourself feeling dark and depressed. Again you will find yourself going to sleep fully clothed because you cannot muster the emotional energy to get undressed. These moments always turn out to be your best teachers. These are the moments that will help you serve others in new, extraordinary ways.

Let people in. You will know when the time is right. When it is, let go. Let yourself love with abandon. You don’t have to protect yourself so much. You will still be able to take care of yourself if and when these relationships end, and they will have given you new perspectives on life.

Forgive yourself. It’s time to stop carrying all that guilt. That you could have been nicer, more accommodating, more supportive, more generous, more selfless; that you could have given more time and attention – or even more love. The past is in the past, and you are doing the very best you can. The very best does not mean perfect. It is okay if you aren’t perfect — none of us are.

Live your life on your own terms. Stop looking for everyone’s approval. Stop living in fear that if you say or do the wrong thing, you will lose people forever. If that happens, it wasn’t meant to be. Stop auditioning for other people’s lives and embrace yourself, exactly as you are.

A note on judging others. It is so easy to do – we all do it. But be careful who you judge, what you turn your nose up to, and the opinions you rally behind without questioning. They almost always come back to teach you a lesson by giving you the very experience that you were so quick to judge. Treat others with respect, compassion and an open-mind at every possible moment.

You are capable of so much more than you even realize. We all are. You have infinite power at your fingertips and it’s just waiting for you to engage it. Take those risks you are afraid of taking. Trust yourself.

You’ve gotten yourself this far in your life — keep going. Even more greatness lies ahead if you can just take the leap, even in those moments where you can’t see the other side yet. Dream even bigger! Reach for the stars – they are waiting for you.

Soak it up, baby! Whew – this is heavy stuff. Remember not to take yourself too seriously! Lighten up, laugh, have fun, be young, sing and dance your heart out. Celebrate! Be thankful for all of your gifts and blessings. Honor them by letting yourself experience bliss at every opportunity. Let the bliss grow and expand. Sprinkle gold dust around everyone and everything you can see.

I know you know this, because you’ve said it before — you already have everything you need. 

Time to stop chasing and start embracing. I have no doubt you will do it with flying colors. You already have.

Oodles of love and cupcakes,
Kaitlyn (of 2013)

Sweetly Broken

Happy Discounted Chocolate Day!

(This is actually one of my favorite days of the year. That, and the day after Halloween.)

I should also probably say a late Happy Valentine's Day to all of you. It was only yesterday but, to me, it honestly feels like much longer.

I didn't post a Valentine's post last year, but the two years before last, I made sure to post on Valentine's Day about being enough and it being okay to be single of the most "romantic" holiday of the year. I didn't post last year because I was dating someone and I didn't really feel the need to post anything. However, this year, I want to talk just a little about some things that have been on my heart.

Yes, I am dating someone currently and yes, it is someone different than a year ago and someone different than a few months ago. I won't go in to much detail about our relationship, mostly because I want to keep it between us, but also because my relationship is not the subject of this post. I will share a few tidbits throughout this post, but don't expect much else. (If you really want to know, come and ask me or my boyfriend.)

So...Valentine's Day, huh?

A few years ago, I would've laughed and called it "Singles Awareness Day" or "Discounted Chocolate Eve". I would've made extensive plans with my friends and we would've made a night out of it eating chocolate, ice cream and laughing about boys. I would've struggled a bit throughout the day knowing I was single and that the day was meant for couples. I would've cried that night because I would've felt that nobody found me good enough to date.

However, this year, while partly the same, was also different. I have a boyfriend. So, I really should have someone to celebrate this day with, right? Wrong.

My boyfriend lives in Auburn. I live in Rome. We live a (long but short) 140 miles away from each other. He works full time. I attend school full time. We each have busy lives and we really can't see each other during the weekdays and have to settle for short weekend visits. Even then, sometimes we are too busy anyways and won't see each other for weeks at a time. It's hard being in a long distance relationship. And it's really crappy when Valentine's Day falls on the middle of the week.

(Please understand that I'm not complaining about having to be long distance. In fact, I think the long distance makes our relationship grow stronger. Our trust in each other grows every day. And I love the anticipation of seeing him after a long week or two without him.)

So, Valentine's Day was a Tuesday this year. I wasn't very happy about it because I couldn't see my boyfriend to celebrate with him and have a date night. We had already planned on having a date night this weekend when we saw each other again. We made plans to stay in, make homemade pizza and watch movies all night. It was going to be okay.

Except, for me, it wasn't.

I woke up feeling fine, but going throughout my day, I just kept feeling more and more upset about the holiday. I kept seeing girls with roses and boxes of candy and balloons and stuffed animals walking around campus. I saw couples holding hands and eating lunch together. I saw posts ALL OVER social media about couples and presents and their Valentine's date nights. (I mean, I posted a Valentine's Instagram pic too, but it was a throwback pic--most of the ones I was seeing were from that very day.) I was struggling to keep my composure throughout the day.

There was a part of my heart wishing the my boyfriend would surprise me at Berry with flowers and a hug and a date night. I mean, he had the day off and he could surprise me after I got out of class, right? I spent the entire day yesterday wishing and hoping that he would surprise me. That's the kind of person he is anyways. He surprises me with amazing gestures and in my heart, something like driving up to surprise me on Valentine's Day would be no different.

I knew I was being stupid to hope for so much. So in last minute efforts, I decided to get dinner with friends and hang out with them that night. I told my boyfriend and he was excited for me and told me, "go have fun, baby. You deserve it." That's when my heart kind of broke in two. I knew for sure that he wasn't going to surprise me up here. I shouldn't have been as upset as I was and I knew I was being irrational.

But I went and had fun with my friends. We ate dinner, got Starbucks and went to play with puppies for the rest of the night. I laughed; I smiled; I had a genuinely good time with them. Yet, when I got home and got in bed, I was still feeling a little heartbroken. I was purposefully being short with my boyfriend, though he never really asked what was wrong. I went to bed early (earlier than usual), as I didn't feel like doing any homework, and hoped that I could sleep off this feeling of heartbreak.

I will go ahead and say that I woke up in a much better mood this morning. Those feelings are gone now and I know I was being stupid yesterday for feeling those things.

So, I know I just bored you with a story about my Valentine's Day, but I wanted to let you guys in on a little secret:

No matter if you are in a relationship, if you are single, if it's just complicated, Valentine's Day doesn't have to be a crappy holiday. Make plans with your friends or just go treat yourself! You deserve it all and more.

I'll say it again, real love cannot be measured. In Psalms, it is said: "Your steadfast love, O LORD, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds" (Psalms 3:19). God's love for us is immeasurable. It goes far beyond our comprehension. It stretches into forever, towards eternity future.

His love is one that holds no bars. He gives us everything, to the point of sacrificing His own son. At the cross, the perfect love of the triune God was shown most vividly as the Son bore each of our sins for us. This is unquantifiable, immeasurable love.

We are enough. We are more than enough. We may be broken as humans of this earth, but you see...we are sweetly broken and wholly surrendered. 

God loves us no matter what; No matter our pasts; No matter our presents; And no matter our futures. He loves us unconditionally and that's what we need to tell ourselves every single day, not just on Valentine's Day. 

Let's proclaim to society that we are MORE than enough. We are the sons and daughters of a King who "made everything beautiful in its time" (Ecclesiastes 3:11). We were made special and with a unique purpose.

As soon as I woke up this morning, I proclaimed that I am loved by a perfect God and that I am enough for this world. 

I may not have been able to spend Valentine's Day with my boyfriend and I may have not gotten flowers or candy or any presents on that day, but I know I don't have to worry about that with him. He makes me feel special and loved every other day of the week and I know he has fun plans for us this weekend. 

So ladies (and fellas), do not worry about Valentine's Day. Find that one person that makes you feel loved every day of the year not just on the day they are supposed to. And if that person does not exist for you yet, know that God loves you anyways and always. So, trust in that.

In His Name,