Wow. It's pretty early, huh? Or pretty late, depending on which way you look at things. Haha. I woke up a few hours ago and just couldn't go back to sleep. So, instead, I picked up my Bible and began to read, hoping that I would be able to get tired enough to fall back asleep.
While reading I came across this verse: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)
The past few weeks have honestly been quite hellish for me. On March 1st, I was admitted into the hospital for DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis). This basically means I wasn't taking care of my Type 1 Diabetes like I should've been doing and my blood sugars got too high and wouldn't come back down. I spent the rest of the week in the hospital trying to get better.
I then came home for my spring break to hopefully relax and get my health back in shape before the rest of the semester. However, little did I know that another blow would be waiting for me. Just yesterday morning, my boyfriend of six months called me over to his place and broke up with me. I won't go into details, but obviously, it hurt. A lot. I spent the rest of the day crying in bed and unwilling to motivate myself to do anything, really. So I assume that's why I couldn't really sleep tonight. With all of this on my mind, it makes it hard to relax enough to want to sleep.
It was right after I read that verse above that I felt God with me. I felt His presence near me as I cried while reading that verse over and over again. He placed His hand on my shoulder and whispered:
"Kaitlyn, my beautiful daughter, do not worry. Do not fear. I am with you every step of the way. I will not let you fall. Trust in me. Lean on me. Cast all your burdens on me and I will make you whole again. Do not worry or stress about what is to come. It is all in My hands. Let My will be done. I will never forsake you."
Those words He spoke over me soothed my soul. I know that healing my heart will take time. But I also know that I have a God on my side that will always be there for me no matter what.
So, I decided that I am going to take five specific steps in my life to make myself whole again.
1. I'm going to start living a healthier lifestyle.
There is no need for me to allow myself to wallow in self-pity or guilt and eat all the junk food I can manage. While I may indulge once or twice, I've decided to start working on becoming a healthier me. So, I'm going to start eating right and exercising more often. I honestly want to start running again and start training for 5ks, 10ks, and maybe even a half-marathon. This way, too, my diabetes will be better managed and I won't be feeling so run down anymore.
2. I'm going to spend time with friends.
I haven't done that much this semester (or even last semester) and I feel awful about that. I believe that healing myself will come more easily if I am surrounded by those whom I love and who love me back. So, I'm going to start going out with friends more, taking more adventures with them and just kicking back and having fun.
3. I'm going to dig into the Word.
This one is important. I feel that my spiritual health has also been declining recently and I am so ashamed of that. So, I'm going to start reading my Bible daily and start praying endlessly to God. He needs to become number one in my life again and I'm going to make sure that happens as soon as possible.
4. I'm going to forgive.
This one is also very important. I'm the type of person who can and will hold a grudge for a very long time. I need to learn how to undo that and control my feelings better. So, I'm going to start by forgiving myself. I can't blame myself for everything that has happened. It's not fair to me. And it just drags me down even more than I already am dragged down by current situations. I'm also going to forgive those who may have hurt me. There's no need for me to be angry at all these people all the time. It's not healthy. And if I do continue to be angry and hold a grudge, I won't be able to properly move on with my life.
5. I'm going to love myself.
We all have issues of self-worth. When my boyfriend broke up with me, all I could think was "I'm obviously not good enough. What's wrong with me? What happened? He deserves better than me." et cetera, et cetera. I was beating myself down. I told myself that I wasn't worthy of his (or anybody's) attention. That I didn't deserve to love and be loved in return. When, in reality, that is so not true. I deserve all of that and more. So, on this road to healing, I'm going to love myself. I'm going to work on boosting my self-confidence so that I can proclaim every minute of every hour of every day that "I am worth loving."
It's time for me to take a step back and start healing. And it may be time for some of you to do that as well. All I can say is: Kudos to you for taking that step. I know (I swear I do) that making that decision was a hard one. Sometimes, all we want to do is be upset and hurt and angry. But if we allow ourselves to do that, we will never move forward in life and will continue to hurt others along the way.
Be on the lookout for another post in the upcoming weeks about my progress to healing. These past few weeks were a wake up call for me. I'm ready to take on life and to make myself whole again, with friends, family, and most importantly, God, by my side every step of the way.
Sunday, March 13, 2016
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
Strong and Brave
Let me start off this post by asking a simple question:
What comes to your mind when you think of someone you personally know (be it a friend, family member, loved one, etc.) telling you that they see a therapist on a regular basis?
You are probably thinking that this person (that you know pretty closely) has some serious problems that you weren't aware of. You may think that they're crazy or weird or just plain old weak.
That's right. Weak.
That's what I thought every time I thought about anyone going to see a therapist. Even myself.
I viewed therapy as weak. If you couldn't take care of yourself by yourself then what were you doing with yourself. I believed that we have the ability to take care of ourselves without any outside help.
Which is why I avoided therapy for the longest time. I made excuses not to go and would weasel my way out of it every single time.
That is, until I got to college.
Here at Berry, counseling is free to every student. There is a counseling center on campus and all you have to do is call in to make an appointment and you're all set. Sessions are set to one hour each and the counselors are there to listen and talk you through things.
For the past two years, I still told myself that counseling was weak. That it was embarrassing. Which is why I still never went or made an appointment. I was scared of what others would think of me.
However, a couple months ago, I made a decision that would change my life for the better. I made an appointment for a counseling session. I didn't tell anyone I was doing this--not even my parents. I still wanted to keep it a secret and wanted to see for myself how it went before letting anyone else in on the notion of me attending therapy.
And you know what?
It made me strong. And brave.
Therapy is not weak. It was never weak to begin with.
It is strong. It is courageous.
Society now rarely sees this as a healthy thing--as something that helps us. It is an overwhelming experience; we feel burnt out from it. Therapy is designed (by society) to make us feel vulnerable...exposed...as if there is a gaping wound in us that we cannot seem to close. And in the end, we start to beat ourselves up, believing that we can solve all of our problems by ourselves. We think we don't need professional help and when we realize we can't fix it on our own, we beat ourselves up even more. What's wrong with me?!?!
The first thing my counselor told me when I sat down for my first session a few months ago was "Good for you. You are doing something great for you and for others around you. Kudos. Be proud of yourself. You are brave. You. Are. Strong."
Seeking help is strong. And healthy. I read somewhere that "it takes courage to face our issues and to make a commitment to address them consciously, and move through them to the best of our ability".
We are human. Simply human. To ask for help only reassures the fact that WE ARE HUMAN. We are not perfect. It is impossible for us to be able to fix ourselves by ourselves. We aren't God. Nor are we robots. It is a natural experience to want or need others around us. To need help from others.
God created us for a purpose. And that purpose is not to self-destruct. To avoid help when you need it is to destroy, not only yourself, but others around you that you love and who love you. God would not want us to pull ourselves into a downward spiral. He would want us to seek help when we need it.
To seek for counseling means that you are healing. You are putting the work into yourself to help you heal, whether that be from a mental health issue or an event that put your life on hold. You are healing. You are being proactive. You are doing the work that is necessary for a healthy life. You are not being passive whatsoever. You. Are. Strong.
I currently go to a session about every other week. Today was my first session since the beginning of December. And it was so good to be back. I can already feel weights being lifted off my shoulders bit by bit. I can breathe a bit easier and I feel myself walking with my head a bit higher.
If you or anyone you know has been thinking about seeking professional help, please don't hesitate to make an appointment somewhere. These counselors are here to help you. If you don't want them to talk, they don't have to. If you don't want to talk, that's fine too. For my first session, it took my a good half hour to finally open up to this stranger. And when I did, it felt like I couldn't stop. So, don't worry, it may take some time to feel comfortable talking to a complete stranger, but it will get easier as time goes on. Trust me.
And if you are currently seeing a therapist or counselor, may I say kudos to you! Bravo! You are grabbing on to that tool that helps us pursue a healthy life!
And to all those nasty things the enemy may throw at us, be it abuse, loss, grief, depression, suffering, pain, etc., may I say: BRING IT ON.
I am not going to take any of this without putting up a fight of my own. And I hope you won't either. Fight on. Win. Show the enemy that he cannot control us.
In His Name.
What comes to your mind when you think of someone you personally know (be it a friend, family member, loved one, etc.) telling you that they see a therapist on a regular basis?
You are probably thinking that this person (that you know pretty closely) has some serious problems that you weren't aware of. You may think that they're crazy or weird or just plain old weak.
That's right. Weak.
That's what I thought every time I thought about anyone going to see a therapist. Even myself.
I viewed therapy as weak. If you couldn't take care of yourself by yourself then what were you doing with yourself. I believed that we have the ability to take care of ourselves without any outside help.
Which is why I avoided therapy for the longest time. I made excuses not to go and would weasel my way out of it every single time.
That is, until I got to college.
Here at Berry, counseling is free to every student. There is a counseling center on campus and all you have to do is call in to make an appointment and you're all set. Sessions are set to one hour each and the counselors are there to listen and talk you through things.
For the past two years, I still told myself that counseling was weak. That it was embarrassing. Which is why I still never went or made an appointment. I was scared of what others would think of me.
However, a couple months ago, I made a decision that would change my life for the better. I made an appointment for a counseling session. I didn't tell anyone I was doing this--not even my parents. I still wanted to keep it a secret and wanted to see for myself how it went before letting anyone else in on the notion of me attending therapy.
And you know what?
It made me strong. And brave.
Therapy is not weak. It was never weak to begin with.
It is strong. It is courageous.
Society now rarely sees this as a healthy thing--as something that helps us. It is an overwhelming experience; we feel burnt out from it. Therapy is designed (by society) to make us feel vulnerable...exposed...as if there is a gaping wound in us that we cannot seem to close. And in the end, we start to beat ourselves up, believing that we can solve all of our problems by ourselves. We think we don't need professional help and when we realize we can't fix it on our own, we beat ourselves up even more. What's wrong with me?!?!
The first thing my counselor told me when I sat down for my first session a few months ago was "Good for you. You are doing something great for you and for others around you. Kudos. Be proud of yourself. You are brave. You. Are. Strong."
Seeking help is strong. And healthy. I read somewhere that "it takes courage to face our issues and to make a commitment to address them consciously, and move through them to the best of our ability".
We are human. Simply human. To ask for help only reassures the fact that WE ARE HUMAN. We are not perfect. It is impossible for us to be able to fix ourselves by ourselves. We aren't God. Nor are we robots. It is a natural experience to want or need others around us. To need help from others.
God created us for a purpose. And that purpose is not to self-destruct. To avoid help when you need it is to destroy, not only yourself, but others around you that you love and who love you. God would not want us to pull ourselves into a downward spiral. He would want us to seek help when we need it.
To seek for counseling means that you are healing. You are putting the work into yourself to help you heal, whether that be from a mental health issue or an event that put your life on hold. You are healing. You are being proactive. You are doing the work that is necessary for a healthy life. You are not being passive whatsoever. You. Are. Strong.
I currently go to a session about every other week. Today was my first session since the beginning of December. And it was so good to be back. I can already feel weights being lifted off my shoulders bit by bit. I can breathe a bit easier and I feel myself walking with my head a bit higher.
If you or anyone you know has been thinking about seeking professional help, please don't hesitate to make an appointment somewhere. These counselors are here to help you. If you don't want them to talk, they don't have to. If you don't want to talk, that's fine too. For my first session, it took my a good half hour to finally open up to this stranger. And when I did, it felt like I couldn't stop. So, don't worry, it may take some time to feel comfortable talking to a complete stranger, but it will get easier as time goes on. Trust me.
And if you are currently seeing a therapist or counselor, may I say kudos to you! Bravo! You are grabbing on to that tool that helps us pursue a healthy life!
And to all those nasty things the enemy may throw at us, be it abuse, loss, grief, depression, suffering, pain, etc., may I say: BRING IT ON.
I am not going to take any of this without putting up a fight of my own. And I hope you won't either. Fight on. Win. Show the enemy that he cannot control us.
In His Name.
Monday, January 11, 2016
New Year, Happier Me
Happy New Year!
I hope all of you have had wonderful holiday seasons (I know I did!) and that you are pumped for this new year! Things have been crazy in my life and I'm sorry that I haven't been able to post much, but I'm happy with being as busy as I am. However, now that it's a new semester and I have a bit more free time, I'm going to try and post some more!
Today, I really just wanted to tell you guys about my New Year resolutions. I only have a few and obviously, some of them are very cliche.
1. Be healthier.
This is so cliche, I know. But I really want to work on this. Obviously, I am a college student, so it'll be difficult to be super healthy. But I can make a start on it and I already have. I've been eating more salads and been putting leaner protein in my diet. I went grocery shopping today and was very proud of myself for buying more fruits/veggies/yogurt/etc. I also plan on starting a new workout plan. Now, I don't plan on going every single day, but I do want to go at least 4-5 times a week. I would love to start running again and training for 5ks/10ks/half-marathons and maybe even a marathon. I love the freedom and determination that running gives me, so let's hope that I can get back into it without any problems! Hopefully, I will be able to keep this up and continue being healthy for months to come. Determination and perseverance is key.
2. Work harder in school.
So far, I've been able to get by in school by being average. I don't get stellar grades, but I don't fail either. But, I want this to change. Especially since I only have a few semesters left in college. (YIKES!) But, I have a lot of support for this resolution, so I'm sure it won't be too hard to accomplish.
3. Plan more.
If you know me, I'm not great at organizing my life. I like for things to happen spontaneously and hate any type of specific plan. However, I want this to change. So, I went out and bought a nice planner and some colored pens and spent a lot of time looking over all of my schedules and planning out the semester. I wrote down specific events and scheduled weekends to return home to visit family/friends/boyfriend. I marked down when papers are due and when exams are. And even began to give myself certain deadlines for internship applications and other things. I'm hoping that this will allow me to stress less about life and enjoy it more.
4. Be happy.
This is a big one for me. Now, I'm not saying that I wasn't happy before. Cause, I was. I've been very happy for a while now. But, I feel that there are certain things in life that I need to worry less about and take on with a smile. So, in order to do this, I created a Happiness Jar.
Happiness Jar? What is that, you may ask? This is a Happiness Jar:
The Happiness Jar is exactly what it sounds like. The goal is for me to write down events in my life that make me happy. I will write it down on a slip of paper and then fold up the paper and put it in the jar. Then, at the end of this year, I will empty the jar and re-read the things in 2016 that made me smile. As you can see, there are already a few events in there and it's only been a week in the new year! I cannot wait to see how full this thing is by December 31!
So, those are my resolutions for the new year. I'm super excited about what this year has in store for me and cannot wait to see where God leads me. I hope you guys have a fantastic second week of January!
In His name.
I hope all of you have had wonderful holiday seasons (I know I did!) and that you are pumped for this new year! Things have been crazy in my life and I'm sorry that I haven't been able to post much, but I'm happy with being as busy as I am. However, now that it's a new semester and I have a bit more free time, I'm going to try and post some more!
Today, I really just wanted to tell you guys about my New Year resolutions. I only have a few and obviously, some of them are very cliche.
1. Be healthier.
This is so cliche, I know. But I really want to work on this. Obviously, I am a college student, so it'll be difficult to be super healthy. But I can make a start on it and I already have. I've been eating more salads and been putting leaner protein in my diet. I went grocery shopping today and was very proud of myself for buying more fruits/veggies/yogurt/etc. I also plan on starting a new workout plan. Now, I don't plan on going every single day, but I do want to go at least 4-5 times a week. I would love to start running again and training for 5ks/10ks/half-marathons and maybe even a marathon. I love the freedom and determination that running gives me, so let's hope that I can get back into it without any problems! Hopefully, I will be able to keep this up and continue being healthy for months to come. Determination and perseverance is key.
2. Work harder in school.
So far, I've been able to get by in school by being average. I don't get stellar grades, but I don't fail either. But, I want this to change. Especially since I only have a few semesters left in college. (YIKES!) But, I have a lot of support for this resolution, so I'm sure it won't be too hard to accomplish.
3. Plan more.
If you know me, I'm not great at organizing my life. I like for things to happen spontaneously and hate any type of specific plan. However, I want this to change. So, I went out and bought a nice planner and some colored pens and spent a lot of time looking over all of my schedules and planning out the semester. I wrote down specific events and scheduled weekends to return home to visit family/friends/boyfriend. I marked down when papers are due and when exams are. And even began to give myself certain deadlines for internship applications and other things. I'm hoping that this will allow me to stress less about life and enjoy it more.
4. Be happy.
This is a big one for me. Now, I'm not saying that I wasn't happy before. Cause, I was. I've been very happy for a while now. But, I feel that there are certain things in life that I need to worry less about and take on with a smile. So, in order to do this, I created a Happiness Jar.
Happiness Jar? What is that, you may ask? This is a Happiness Jar:
So, those are my resolutions for the new year. I'm super excited about what this year has in store for me and cannot wait to see where God leads me. I hope you guys have a fantastic second week of January!
In His name.
Thursday, October 22, 2015
More Than Enough
Hey guys. It's been a while, huh?
A lot has happened since I last spoke with you all. I'm now a junior in college with only 3 1/2 more semesters to go before graduation (WHOA!), I am currently dating someone (someone that I like very much), my hair has grown out a bit, and much more. But rather that catch you up with all the boring details of my life, I'd like to talk about a something that has been on my heart for the past few days.
I think I'll start off with a story.
-----------------
I told you guys that I recently started dating someone. Well, a few weeks ago, we were hanging out at his place. We were teasing each other and jokingly, I told him that I was leaving and he couldn't make me stay. I stood up and began gathering my things, still teasing him. He wasn't saying much, just watching me. When I finally looked up at him and looked into his eyes, my heart stopped beating.
I had never seen someone look at me with as much emotion as he was at that moment. I felt tingly all over from his look and I was instantly overwhelmed. With life, with emotion, with everything. So I did what I do best. I left. I booked it out of there as fast as I could. I told him everything was fine and that I was just tired and that I would see him in the morning. He let me go.
On the way home, I sobbed. I couldn't get a handle on any of my emotions. I got home, put on sweatpants and a t-shirt and got in bed. And sobbed. And sobbed. And sobbed. My sister eventually came home from the high school football game and got in bed with me and talked through everything with me.
Skip to the next night.
I was laying on his bed with him next to me. He asked me what happened last night. And I told him. With tears rolling down my cheeks I told him that I for a long time, I felt that I was never good enough for anybody to like...to even love. After two years of getting into so much drama and stress with guys, I just decided that I would never be good enough. And you know what he told me?
He said, "Kaitlyn, you are enough. You are beautiful in every way. There is nothing about you which I do not like. You're smart and funny and all around an amazing person. You are so enough. Don't ever believe that you aren't."
--------------------
His words have stuck with me since that night. And for the past few days they have resonated even stronger with me.
I look around me today and see girls who were like me. Who believe with every ounce of their being that they aren't enough for a guy to like them. It's all over social media and even out of it.
Why do we believe this? It is only Satan trying to pull us over to the dark side. But we don't want that. We want to be good. We want to stay by Christ and have His protection.
It's so easy to see ourselves as unworthy. As unloved. As not enough.
The thing is though, is that God believed and still believes that we are worthy of so much more than we think. He even believed it enough that He sent His only son to the cross to die for us and our sins.
If that doesn't show how much we are worth to Him, I don't know what does.
You see, we are enough. We are more than enough. We are so enough that Christ died for us.
So, please, don't ever think that you are unworthy or unloved. Because the truth is that you are worth more than you could ever imagine and you are loved beyond compare.
"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:6-8)
A lot has happened since I last spoke with you all. I'm now a junior in college with only 3 1/2 more semesters to go before graduation (WHOA!), I am currently dating someone (someone that I like very much), my hair has grown out a bit, and much more. But rather that catch you up with all the boring details of my life, I'd like to talk about a something that has been on my heart for the past few days.
I think I'll start off with a story.
-----------------
I told you guys that I recently started dating someone. Well, a few weeks ago, we were hanging out at his place. We were teasing each other and jokingly, I told him that I was leaving and he couldn't make me stay. I stood up and began gathering my things, still teasing him. He wasn't saying much, just watching me. When I finally looked up at him and looked into his eyes, my heart stopped beating.
I had never seen someone look at me with as much emotion as he was at that moment. I felt tingly all over from his look and I was instantly overwhelmed. With life, with emotion, with everything. So I did what I do best. I left. I booked it out of there as fast as I could. I told him everything was fine and that I was just tired and that I would see him in the morning. He let me go.
On the way home, I sobbed. I couldn't get a handle on any of my emotions. I got home, put on sweatpants and a t-shirt and got in bed. And sobbed. And sobbed. And sobbed. My sister eventually came home from the high school football game and got in bed with me and talked through everything with me.
Skip to the next night.
I was laying on his bed with him next to me. He asked me what happened last night. And I told him. With tears rolling down my cheeks I told him that I for a long time, I felt that I was never good enough for anybody to like...to even love. After two years of getting into so much drama and stress with guys, I just decided that I would never be good enough. And you know what he told me?
He said, "Kaitlyn, you are enough. You are beautiful in every way. There is nothing about you which I do not like. You're smart and funny and all around an amazing person. You are so enough. Don't ever believe that you aren't."
--------------------
His words have stuck with me since that night. And for the past few days they have resonated even stronger with me.
I look around me today and see girls who were like me. Who believe with every ounce of their being that they aren't enough for a guy to like them. It's all over social media and even out of it.
Why do we believe this? It is only Satan trying to pull us over to the dark side. But we don't want that. We want to be good. We want to stay by Christ and have His protection.
It's so easy to see ourselves as unworthy. As unloved. As not enough.
The thing is though, is that God believed and still believes that we are worthy of so much more than we think. He even believed it enough that He sent His only son to the cross to die for us and our sins.
If that doesn't show how much we are worth to Him, I don't know what does.
You see, we are enough. We are more than enough. We are so enough that Christ died for us.
So, please, don't ever think that you are unworthy or unloved. Because the truth is that you are worth more than you could ever imagine and you are loved beyond compare.
"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:6-8)
"For God so loved the world that He gave his only son, that whoever shall believe in him shall not perish but have eternal life."
(John 3:16)
YOU ARE ENOUGH.
YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH.
Listen to this song. It speaks so much truth.
Listen to this song. It speaks so much truth.
In His love.
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
Free
Take a look at me.
I'm 20 years young, a junior in college, a photographer, a painter, a writer, et cetera, et cetera.
Now...really take a look at me....
Scars line my body. From the top of my head to the very tips of my toes, I have a spattering of scars. They are all over my arms, my chest, my waist, my legs....
Since I was in middle school, I have suffered from a disorder called dermatillomania (or, better known as chronic skin picking).
This disorder has disrupted my life in many ways.
It started as my head peeling from a recent sunburn. I started to pick at it, forming scabs that, fortunately, were hidden by my thick hair.
This led to me developing a staph infection throughout my body. The staph soon went away (after some antibiotics) but my skin picking didn't stop. Basically, I was picking at acne, dry skin, fingernails, you name it.
For years and years I attempted to stop. Trust me. I tried everything. I tried ointments to get rid of scabs; I took antibiotics; I used face wash after face wash to get rid of acne. However, because this is an OCD disorder, medicine for the scabs and acne and everything else didn't and wouldn't ever fix anything. In order to heal, I should've worked to control my stress, anxiety, and negative emotions. (I did not know this at the time.
Over the years, it just became something that I did to cope. Even when I wasn't upset, I would start picking at whatever was on my body. I did it absentmindedly. It even got to the point where I was highly embarrassed of the scarring that was on my body. I couldn't control it.
The fact that I have an obsessive compulsive disorder that I have absolutely no control over is ironic but hardly poetic.
This disorder wrecked my emotionally and physically. I now have scars all over my body. I may not be self-conscious about them anymore, but they will always be a part of me. Emotionally, it took a lot to accept this as what was happening to me. I didn't want to admit to it. I just chose to ignore it. No matter the number of scars or the amount of comments I got, I just ignored it.
But, the reason I wanted to talk to you guys about this is because I wanted to officially share the big news I received about two weeks ago.
For the first time in about 8 years, I do not have an open wound on my body. I have not picked at anything on my body in almost 3 weeks. I'm on the road to healing.
I am FREE of this burden.
Now, I know this could come back, but I've also learned how to better control my stress and my emotions. I've worked hard to get to where I am now and I'm going to continue to work hard to keep this up.
I'm spending more time in my bible and even bought a new journalling bible to be able to keep track of my thoughts. God has really shown me a lot these past few weeks and this past summer as well.
I'm 20 years young, a junior in college, a photographer, a painter, a writer, et cetera, et cetera.
Now...really take a look at me....
Scars line my body. From the top of my head to the very tips of my toes, I have a spattering of scars. They are all over my arms, my chest, my waist, my legs....
Since I was in middle school, I have suffered from a disorder called dermatillomania (or, better known as chronic skin picking).
This disorder has disrupted my life in many ways.
It started as my head peeling from a recent sunburn. I started to pick at it, forming scabs that, fortunately, were hidden by my thick hair.
This led to me developing a staph infection throughout my body. The staph soon went away (after some antibiotics) but my skin picking didn't stop. Basically, I was picking at acne, dry skin, fingernails, you name it.
For years and years I attempted to stop. Trust me. I tried everything. I tried ointments to get rid of scabs; I took antibiotics; I used face wash after face wash to get rid of acne. However, because this is an OCD disorder, medicine for the scabs and acne and everything else didn't and wouldn't ever fix anything. In order to heal, I should've worked to control my stress, anxiety, and negative emotions. (I did not know this at the time.
Over the years, it just became something that I did to cope. Even when I wasn't upset, I would start picking at whatever was on my body. I did it absentmindedly. It even got to the point where I was highly embarrassed of the scarring that was on my body. I couldn't control it.
The fact that I have an obsessive compulsive disorder that I have absolutely no control over is ironic but hardly poetic.
This disorder wrecked my emotionally and physically. I now have scars all over my body. I may not be self-conscious about them anymore, but they will always be a part of me. Emotionally, it took a lot to accept this as what was happening to me. I didn't want to admit to it. I just chose to ignore it. No matter the number of scars or the amount of comments I got, I just ignored it.
But, the reason I wanted to talk to you guys about this is because I wanted to officially share the big news I received about two weeks ago.
For the first time in about 8 years, I do not have an open wound on my body. I have not picked at anything on my body in almost 3 weeks. I'm on the road to healing.
I am FREE of this burden.
Now, I know this could come back, but I've also learned how to better control my stress and my emotions. I've worked hard to get to where I am now and I'm going to continue to work hard to keep this up.
I'm spending more time in my bible and even bought a new journalling bible to be able to keep track of my thoughts. God has really shown me a lot these past few weeks and this past summer as well.
I am free. I am free. I. Am. FREE.
In His love.
Friday, May 29, 2015
Unconditional
Hey guys! Its been a few weeks since I've posted anything but I've had a few things I wanted to
share with you today. After returning home from school for the summer, I had a wedding
photography job lined up for two close friends of mine. So, on Mothers Day, I took off for a
beautiful afternoon of taking pictures.
And let me tell you...these pictures turned out so so well!! The amount of love between this couple was so raw and so photogenic that I bawled (a couple of times)! Here are a few of the pictures:
As you can see, these two love each other so, very much. I have watched their love grow from just starting to date to fiancées to now a married couple. To be quite honest, their love is the love I want with my future husband.
This brings me to my topic of the day: love.
I have told you guys before that ever since I was a little girl, I have wanted a love to rival the greatest loves of all time. I'm a true romantic at heart. I want someone to hold me, someone I can tell my fears and doubts to, someone to love me for who I truly am. I want that so much, that I let it consume me sometimes.
But I've already talked about myself in this category before, so let me talk about someone(s) else for a change.
You see, when I think of my future husband/relationship, all I see are my parents. That's right. My parents are my true inspiration for my relationships.
My parents, I feel, are the true definition of a Christ-like love. They love each other unconditionally...no matter how many times my dad annoys my mom or how crazy my mom seems to make my dad.
These guys have been married for 15+ years and their love continues to grow stronger and stronger with each passing year. I've witnessed firsthand all the ups and downs of their relationship.
They definitely have had their fights. I have been there for meltdowns, blow-ups, and just the general yelling. (And I may have even been the cause for some of those. Haha!)
But here's the thing...they forgive each other. No matter what. They don't let their fights define their relationship. They go back to each other and make up. No matter who is at fault or who "threw the first punch" (figuratively of course).
That's love, you guys.
I cannot begin to explain to you guys how inspired I am by these two. Throughout my life, they have taught me what true, real, raw love looks like. They have shown me that you must love God first before letting anybody else into your heart. Through them, I've seen that you must place God in the center of your relationship if you want it to go anywhere.
And let me tell you...these pictures turned out so so well!! The amount of love between this couple was so raw and so photogenic that I bawled (a couple of times)! Here are a few of the pictures:
As you can see, these two love each other so, very much. I have watched their love grow from just starting to date to fiancées to now a married couple. To be quite honest, their love is the love I want with my future husband.
This brings me to my topic of the day: love.
I have told you guys before that ever since I was a little girl, I have wanted a love to rival the greatest loves of all time. I'm a true romantic at heart. I want someone to hold me, someone I can tell my fears and doubts to, someone to love me for who I truly am. I want that so much, that I let it consume me sometimes.
But I've already talked about myself in this category before, so let me talk about someone(s) else for a change.
You see, when I think of my future husband/relationship, all I see are my parents. That's right. My parents are my true inspiration for my relationships.
My parents, I feel, are the true definition of a Christ-like love. They love each other unconditionally...no matter how many times my dad annoys my mom or how crazy my mom seems to make my dad.
These guys have been married for 15+ years and their love continues to grow stronger and stronger with each passing year. I've witnessed firsthand all the ups and downs of their relationship.
They definitely have had their fights. I have been there for meltdowns, blow-ups, and just the general yelling. (And I may have even been the cause for some of those. Haha!)
But here's the thing...they forgive each other. No matter what. They don't let their fights define their relationship. They go back to each other and make up. No matter who is at fault or who "threw the first punch" (figuratively of course).
That's love, you guys.
I cannot begin to explain to you guys how inspired I am by these two. Throughout my life, they have taught me what true, real, raw love looks like. They have shown me that you must love God first before letting anybody else into your heart. Through them, I've seen that you must place God in the center of your relationship if you want it to go anywhere.
These two beautiful human beings have shown me all there is to know about love. I couldn't
ask for two better role models for myself or my siblings.
Just as 1 Corinthians says, "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things".
Remember, we all love because He first loved all of us. (1 John 4:19)
So, thank you, mom and dad, for showing me Who to turn to when times get tough and for being who you guys are. Thank you for showing me what true, Christ-centered love looks like and for inspiring me in my own relationships with others. I love you two so very much and couldn't ask for two better parents.
In His love.
Just as 1 Corinthians says, "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things".
Remember, we all love because He first loved all of us. (1 John 4:19)
So, thank you, mom and dad, for showing me Who to turn to when times get tough and for being who you guys are. Thank you for showing me what true, Christ-centered love looks like and for inspiring me in my own relationships with others. I love you two so very much and couldn't ask for two better parents.
In His love.
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Bittersweet
So, it's finally here. My last day as a sophomore at Berry College. As I sit here writing this, so many memories are flooding my brain and I can't stop the tears from running down my face. This year has had its ups and downs, but it has been a year to remember. So, I thought I would share a list of things I learned this year. (Upcoming sophomores, this is really for you as you take the next step in your college career. Though, some of it can apply to upcoming freshman, too.) So, here we go:13 things I learned during my sophomore year:
1. Whenever you're up studying past midnight, Cookout milkshakes and fries are always there for you.
This is the one universal truth. Too many nights have I ended up studying past midnight and became hungry. Cookout is open till 3-4am EVERY NIGHT. As well as being super cheap. So, if you're craving a milkshake, a hamburger or a corndog at 2 am in the morning, Cookout is there and will never leave you.
2. No matter how many times you tell yourself the situation won't be awkward, it'll always be awkward.
Let's just be honest with ourselves. You can say over and over again how that specific situation won't be awkward and that you refuse to make it awkward. The thing is, that it will always be awkward. No matter how hard you try. So, you might as well just agree that it will get awkward and get over it. No use in trying to make something work that won't work in the first place.
3. People will hurt you, but it's better in the long run to forgive them and move on.
This is something I struggled with a lot this year. I had a lot of people leave my life and a lot betray me. I'm the type of person to act like I'm okay on the outside, but will be holding a grudge inside. This isn't good for anybody involved. So, it's easiest to forgive the people who hurt you and just move on. And whether that means getting over them and losing their friendship or it means that your friendship continues no matter what, we have to learn to deal with it when it happens and not fret over it for days on end.
4. Sometimes you have to put yourself out there to meet new people.
Those of you who know me know that I'm quite the introverted person. I don't like huge crowds and have trouble speaking to brand new people. But, I found out this year, that I just have to make that first big leap and everything else will fall into place. I made a bunch of new friends this year just by opening up and introducing myself. It's really not that hard to do, but it may seem like it. So, take that step and meet new friends. 
5. Life will knock you down, but it's up to you to stand right back up and keep on going.
Oh, boy will it. Life likes to take what seem like the best days of your life and flipping them upside down so that in knocks you flat on your back. And the only thing I can tell you to do is to stand back up immediately and keep going. Don't let that one awful night, grade or fight consume you. Hold your head up, darling. You've got this!
6. Stargazing is a way to relieve stress and think about life and all it has to offer.
The amount of nights I've spent outside watching the stars are too many to count. Whenever I've found myself stressing over school, boys, family, friends, etc. I've packed up my blankets and a cup of coffee and went to lay out underneath the heavens. Stargazing is a wonderful way to relax and to remember that God is bigger than everything going on in your life. He put every star in that sky and yet he calls you by name and says that you are beautiful.
7. While it's fun to go out with friends for the night, sometimes it's just best to stay in, eat
Ramen noodles and study for your classes.
(THIS IS IMPORTANT FOR FRESHMAN TOO.) I understand that you really really want to go see that new rom-com that came out this weekend, but didn't your professor say that you have a huge test on Monday that counts for 20% of your grade? It's all about priorities. Yes, go out and have fun. That's part of college. The friends you make here will most likely be your friends for life, so you will want to hang out with them. But grades are also important if not much more important than your social life. So, go out and have fun, but make sure you also have enough time to study as much as you need to for any exams, quizzes or homework.
8. Boy drama never ends after high school, but you do learn how to handle it with more maturity.
He said; she said....It's all the same as it was in high school. The only difference between then and now is that you understand how to deal with it with more maturity. Let's face it...you are almost 20 years old. You are old enough not to start rumors or throw a hissy fit because a boy did something to you.
9. You don't always keep the friends you made freshman year. And that's okay. You'll make new ones.
This one was hard to come to terms with. I had a lot of great friends that I made during my freshman year. Then came sophomore year and about 50% of those friendships were lost or didn't continue because of certain reasons. And it's hard to keep up with everybody. It is. But, I also made a ton of new friends this year; friends that I wouldn't trade for the world. And I'm okay that I lost some friendships. Obviously, God didn't plan for us to stay friends. He had different plans for each of us and neither involved the other. So, don't worry if you can't keep in contact with friends from freshman year. You'll make new friends and it won't end up being a big deal in the long run.10. The "Sophomore Slump" is real and very dangerous.
All I can say here is to be careful and keep up the good work you did during freshman year.
11. Take as many adventures as you can.
This. I don't have the words to explain how much some people have blessed me this year by being there for me. I can always count on these friends to drop anything and everything to come to my side if I need them. Throughout the year, you will find these friends and my advice to you is to hold on to them and never let them go.
13. No matter how crazy life seems, there is always our God to look up to and thank for giving us another day.
Is there anymore to say about this one??
So there they are. My thirteen things that I learned throughout this past year. I'm so blessed to live the life I do and I cannot wait to see what the next two years at Berry have in store for me. Thanks to all who have made this year so very wonderful and I can't wait to see you guys in the fall!
In His love,
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