I'm sitting here, unable to sleep, watching CSI and musing over my current life.
Career-wise, I'm not at all where I want to be...where I dream to be.
Relationship-wise, I couldn't be happier. I'm getting to marry the man of my dreams in October.
Health-wise, I'm still working on this part...I'm back to working out and I'm eating healthier.
Faith-wise, I still struggle on a weekly basis.
Ever since I graduated college last year, I've been stuck. I've had a secure job for the past eight years of my life. I'm in a leadership position and make decent money. I live in a nice apartment and have enough money to pay rent, utilities, student loans and still be able to buy groceries and have some fun once in a while. Yes, there are times when money is a bit short and we are living off ramen and Easy-Mac, but it's not often. (We are open to being broker than usual because we are saving for a wedding.)
Yet, everyday, I get in bed feeling drained and a little bit overwhelmed with life. Honestly, it's taken me a little while to figure out just why that is.
And you know what I figured out?
I am so obsessed with my own will for my life that I become so stressed and anxious that I mentally and physically tire myself out every day. I tell myself that the job I have is a safety net and that I shouldn't venture out for new opportunities. I convince myself that jobs will come running to me rather than the other way around. I say, "Oh, it's okay, Kaitlyn. You make enough money to support yourself. You don't need anything else."
I am so focused on the exact job I want (something that I had to realize that I won't be able to get without experience first) that I ignore everything else going on around me. And then, I blame others for trying to push me out of my safety net.
This past Sunday, I sat down on my couch, opened up my laptop and realized that I've been handling life all wrong.
I shouldn't be focusing on how I want my life to go, but how God is working through my life.
God has a will for each of our lives. He has a plan that won't fail us. Yes, it is full of obstacles, but God never gives us more than we can handle.
God wants to challenge us--to shape us into the people He wills us to be. It is our choice, however, to follow HIs will or betray Him and follow our own.
I know that you hear this a lot, but I'm going to say it again: Everything works in God's timing. God's timing is always perfect.
It's hard to believe that sometimes. I still have some trouble believing it, but I do know that everything works out in His plan for my life. I'm currently working through a speed bump in life and I just have to get over it in order to move on.
I have been so stuck on staying in one spot, that I haven't opened myself up to possibilities that are all around me. I realized that I needed to be more open to relocating to a different city or even a different state in order to make my own dreams a reality.
I need to trust that God is working hard in my life to give me the best life He can. But, I also need to help Him out a little by stepping away from my "security blanket" and telling Him that I am ready to go...that I am ready to move to wherever He needs me to be. I must be willing to pursue my dreams with Him right by my side. If I don't get the first job I want, I might get the second. And I've got to put my faith in that's where God wants me to be at that current moment.
As an update to you all, I've starting putting myself out there more. I've started to apply for more jobs around the country and it is more than likely that I'll be moving from my hometown in order to pursue my dreams. My fiancé and family have been nothing but supportive and I pray that God will be right by my side throughout the entire process. I ask you all for prayers and good thoughts as I take the next steps towards my future career. And don't worry, you will all be updated as soon as I find something out and for now, I will remain in Auburn to work and stay close to my family.
In His Name.
Hello My Name Is...
Wednesday, February 21, 2018
Tuesday, December 12, 2017
Glow Stick
As I sit here watching The Santa Claus and drinking hot chocolate from my favorite Christmas mug, I am filled with so much peace I can't even describe it. My Christmas tree is lit, the room smells like fir trees and chocolate, and I can't stop smiling at the antics of Tim Allen.
This mood is far different than the one I had a few nights ago.
That night, I wasn't happy, I wasn't peaceful and I wasn't feeling the Christmas cheer. I just wanted to lay in bed and sleep the darkness away.
I'm not going to lie...I have nights like that every other month or so. My brain mis-wires and I just shut down. Most of the time, my fiancé (yes! I am engaged! 💑) can't even be the one to comfort me. So, I end up locking myself in my own head until it all goes away.
Those nights are not fun. Not for me and especially not for him. I can't imagine what he feels like when there isn't anything he can do for me. And usually, I can't find anything to help myself either. It's an awful feeling..the helplessness...the darkness...all of it.
The morning after a night like that is usually much better. I'm in a better mood and I can feel things again. This particular morning, however, a Facebook post caught my eye...
And I lost it.
I wanted to run and hide and cry my eyes out because everything in that post was 100% true for me. The only problem? I couldn't hide from God.
This post talked about how we can shine as humans and how we must be broken in order to do so.
You see, we, as humans, are like glow sticks. We sit in our packaging, dark and uninteresting. We may be colorful, but those colors are dull, lifeless. Our potential is very low.
We aren't doing what we were created to do.
But imagine this: God takes you--a dark, boring glow stick--and breaks you. He breaks you to your very core. To the point where you are bruised, battered and cracked. Then, something amazing happens...
You begin to shine.
The light that has been hiding inside you all along begins to show. Starting from your core and spreading outward. You get brighter and brighter until all you do is shine.
Sometimes you have to break before you can shine.
God works in so many mysterious, but wondrous ways. He is always working. In you. Around you. For you. He is shaping and molding you into the person he created you to be. Don't push yourself away from Him. Allow Him to break you. Allow Him to place His hands on you so that you can live to your fullest potential.
You see, these dark nights in my life...those are just nights that I need to be broken again in order to shine. I just need to allow God to place His hands on me so that I can shine again.
My life has been a mess of highs and lows, but I am thankful for every single one of them. Without those moments in my life, I wouldn't be where I am today. I thank God every day for my journey and for Him putting me on it.
So, remember, don't be afraid to break every once in a while. You have to do it in order to shine.
This mood is far different than the one I had a few nights ago.
That night, I wasn't happy, I wasn't peaceful and I wasn't feeling the Christmas cheer. I just wanted to lay in bed and sleep the darkness away.
I'm not going to lie...I have nights like that every other month or so. My brain mis-wires and I just shut down. Most of the time, my fiancé (yes! I am engaged! 💑) can't even be the one to comfort me. So, I end up locking myself in my own head until it all goes away.
Those nights are not fun. Not for me and especially not for him. I can't imagine what he feels like when there isn't anything he can do for me. And usually, I can't find anything to help myself either. It's an awful feeling..the helplessness...the darkness...all of it.
The morning after a night like that is usually much better. I'm in a better mood and I can feel things again. This particular morning, however, a Facebook post caught my eye...
And I lost it.
I wanted to run and hide and cry my eyes out because everything in that post was 100% true for me. The only problem? I couldn't hide from God.
This post talked about how we can shine as humans and how we must be broken in order to do so.
You see, we, as humans, are like glow sticks. We sit in our packaging, dark and uninteresting. We may be colorful, but those colors are dull, lifeless. Our potential is very low.
We aren't doing what we were created to do.
But imagine this: God takes you--a dark, boring glow stick--and breaks you. He breaks you to your very core. To the point where you are bruised, battered and cracked. Then, something amazing happens...
You begin to shine.
The light that has been hiding inside you all along begins to show. Starting from your core and spreading outward. You get brighter and brighter until all you do is shine.
Sometimes you have to break before you can shine.
God works in so many mysterious, but wondrous ways. He is always working. In you. Around you. For you. He is shaping and molding you into the person he created you to be. Don't push yourself away from Him. Allow Him to break you. Allow Him to place His hands on you so that you can live to your fullest potential.
You see, these dark nights in my life...those are just nights that I need to be broken again in order to shine. I just need to allow God to place His hands on me so that I can shine again.
My life has been a mess of highs and lows, but I am thankful for every single one of them. Without those moments in my life, I wouldn't be where I am today. I thank God every day for my journey and for Him putting me on it.
So, remember, don't be afraid to break every once in a while. You have to do it in order to shine.
In His Name.
Friday, September 15, 2017
Saved
Hey you guys. It's been a while, huh? Sorry about that. I've been kind of busy with graduation, moving into a new apartment, and just life as an adult. The past two weeks or so, however, I've had a lot on my plate with working a full time job, trying to balance friendships, relationships, and my family and being caught up with an array of illnesses (a cold, bronchitis, sinusitis, and walking pneumonia). Even with all this going on, I've had a lot on my mind and I would like to get it all out on here if possible. So, just bear with me for a moment.
A few weeks ago, I was talking to my boyfriend after a long day at work and I just broke down, admitting to him that I felt so alone. I explained to him that it felt like I didn't have any friends here and that all I did was stay of the apartment and go to work. I wanted to be able to go out and do things with people like I did while I was at Berry. I was tired of being so alone.
He tried to explain that we were saving money and that all I had to do was contact my friends to hang out with them. (However, I didn't explain to him the complicated relationships I had with many people still here in Auburn.) I shook my head and told him that it's very hard for me to be the first to say something because I don't want to be a bother and I feel like I'm annoying if I do so. He finally talked me into texting some friends from Berry and when they responded, I felt so much relief. All it took was one text, and then, we were connected again.
It's hard for me to go hang out with people especially when our off days don't line up or when I work till 11 every night. However, I do have fun at work with many friends, and I still enjoy keeping up with them via texts or pictures.
The main reason for this post isn't to talk about how I figured out the key to healthy relationships (it's communication if you were wondering)...it's to talk about how many of these people saved me from myself and how they continue to save me every day.
This week is National Suicide Prevention Week.
If you don't know me (which many of you may not), many years ago, while I was in high school, I became depressed and even subjected myself to self-harm on multiple occasions. During that time, there were a couple instances when I even thought that my life didn't matter and that killing myself would be the only way to end my pain.
(If you want to read more of my story, see it here: "Broken and Healed")
Suicide is a very touchy subject with me; however, I am more than willing to share my story and offer help to others. (By touchy, I mean I don't like to joke about it or hear others joke about it.)
I used to think that nobody cared about me...that no one cared if I was hurting myself on purpose or that I wasn't acting like myself. It took a lot of people to put their hands on me to convince me that I was worth it. It still takes a village to remind me that I matter every day. Here's a few of those people:
(An updated selfie for you all) |
A few weeks ago, I was talking to my boyfriend after a long day at work and I just broke down, admitting to him that I felt so alone. I explained to him that it felt like I didn't have any friends here and that all I did was stay of the apartment and go to work. I wanted to be able to go out and do things with people like I did while I was at Berry. I was tired of being so alone.
He tried to explain that we were saving money and that all I had to do was contact my friends to hang out with them. (However, I didn't explain to him the complicated relationships I had with many people still here in Auburn.) I shook my head and told him that it's very hard for me to be the first to say something because I don't want to be a bother and I feel like I'm annoying if I do so. He finally talked me into texting some friends from Berry and when they responded, I felt so much relief. All it took was one text, and then, we were connected again.
It's hard for me to go hang out with people especially when our off days don't line up or when I work till 11 every night. However, I do have fun at work with many friends, and I still enjoy keeping up with them via texts or pictures.
The main reason for this post isn't to talk about how I figured out the key to healthy relationships (it's communication if you were wondering)...it's to talk about how many of these people saved me from myself and how they continue to save me every day.
This week is National Suicide Prevention Week.
If you don't know me (which many of you may not), many years ago, while I was in high school, I became depressed and even subjected myself to self-harm on multiple occasions. During that time, there were a couple instances when I even thought that my life didn't matter and that killing myself would be the only way to end my pain.
(If you want to read more of my story, see it here: "Broken and Healed")
Suicide is a very touchy subject with me; however, I am more than willing to share my story and offer help to others. (By touchy, I mean I don't like to joke about it or hear others joke about it.)
I used to think that nobody cared about me...that no one cared if I was hurting myself on purpose or that I wasn't acting like myself. It took a lot of people to put their hands on me to convince me that I was worth it. It still takes a village to remind me that I matter every day. Here's a few of those people:
(My actual fam) |
(my Chick-fil-a fam) |
This doesn't even amass to my entire village. This probably only covers 5% of it. These people are my stronghold. Every day that I feel like I'm about to fall back into that hole, they are the ones who lift me out of it. My village expands from Auburn, AL to Rome, GA, from California to Washington D.C., and from Haiti to Africa. My village covers the world. And I am so thankful for them every day.
When I was placed on bed rest from contracting walking pneumonia and three other viruses, these people were the first ones to text, to call and to give hugs, making sure I was okay and taken care of. No matter how stubborn I was, they were the ones to drag me to Urgent Care, to supply me with soup and to send me home from work when I'm dead on my feet.
I can't imagine a greater village to be a part of.
Even after seven years, I still have 'dark' thoughts. It's a mental illness. I can't really stop it. I don't blame myself for them and I don't blame anyone else. The one thing I do tell myself, though, is that my village is always here for me. No matter what.
And YOUR village is here for you too. Take a moment and look around. You have SO MANY people who care about and for you. I care about you. Please don't ever think that suicide is an option for you. You are on this earth for a reason. We all love you. At the end of this post, I am going to post numbers and websites that you can use if you are in that dark place and it seems like there is no way out.
First, I am going to share a song with you. This song is fairly new and it honestly means so much to me. And I hope it can share hope and life with you as well.
Second, I want to thank my village for everything they've done for me. You may not realize you played a part, but you did and I will be forever grateful. I love you all so much.
And finally, feel free to message me if you need to talk or vent about life. I may not know you and I don't have to. Sometimes all we need is someone to listen to us and not judge. And trust me, I'm far from judging anyone for anything.
I love you all.
In His Name
Kaitlyn
Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
TWLOHA: https://twloha.com
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Monday, May 1, 2017
Hopeful
When I was a freshman in college, I wrote a letter to myself and tucked it away for when I was about to graduate as a senior. I forgot all about it. Today, I pulled it out and read it and cried. And cried. And cried. I was not aware of how much I needed this today. Sometimes the biggest blessings are the ones you don't see coming. I am going to share this letter with you, because I think it is something everyone needs to hear. Especially those who are graduating in a few days. Much love.
Dear Kaitlyn,
I am so proud of you. You’ve worked really hard to get where you are, and I want you to relax now. You have so many good things coming, you don’t have to work as hard as you think you do. Enjoy your life and watch things unfold, all in perfect time. Time to square your shoulders back, hold your head high, and keep moving through your life with grace and ease. And don’t forget to smile!
I can tell you that you will not remember all those little tasks, deadlines and emails you worry about. You’ve got the small stuff covered. You’ve accomplished every goal you’ve ever set and then some. I hope you are as proud of yourself as I am.
Amidst all the external definitions of success, please don’t forget to look inward.
A few reminders:
Take care of yourself. Eat well. Exercise. Get outside. Get plenty of sleep. Rest and remember to spend plenty of time alone. Put yourself first so that you can share your best gifts with the world.
Be nicer to yourself. Weighing ten pounds less does not make you a better or more interesting person. Weighing ten or twenty pounds more does not make you unloveable. For every day or every moment you criticize yourself, you are cheating yourself out of your fullest joy.
Face some hard truths. You will hit rough patches. You will have more “lowest moments of your life.” Again you will find yourself feeling dark and depressed. Again you will find yourself going to sleep fully clothed because you cannot muster the emotional energy to get undressed. These moments always turn out to be your best teachers. These are the moments that will help you serve others in new, extraordinary ways.
Let people in. You will know when the time is right. When it is, let go. Let yourself love with abandon. You don’t have to protect yourself so much. You will still be able to take care of yourself if and when these relationships end, and they will have given you new perspectives on life.
Forgive yourself. It’s time to stop carrying all that guilt. That you could have been nicer, more accommodating, more supportive, more generous, more selfless; that you could have given more time and attention – or even more love. The past is in the past, and you are doing the very best you can. The very best does not mean perfect. It is okay if you aren’t perfect — none of us are.
Live your life on your own terms. Stop looking for everyone’s approval. Stop living in fear that if you say or do the wrong thing, you will lose people forever. If that happens, it wasn’t meant to be. Stop auditioning for other people’s lives and embrace yourself, exactly as you are.
A note on judging others. It is so easy to do – we all do it. But be careful who you judge, what you turn your nose up to, and the opinions you rally behind without questioning. They almost always come back to teach you a lesson by giving you the very experience that you were so quick to judge. Treat others with respect, compassion and an open-mind at every possible moment.
You are capable of so much more than you even realize. We all are. You have infinite power at your fingertips and it’s just waiting for you to engage it. Take those risks you are afraid of taking. Trust yourself.
You’ve gotten yourself this far in your life — keep going. Even more greatness lies ahead if you can just take the leap, even in those moments where you can’t see the other side yet. Dream even bigger! Reach for the stars – they are waiting for you.
You’ve gotten yourself this far in your life — keep going. Even more greatness lies ahead if you can just take the leap, even in those moments where you can’t see the other side yet. Dream even bigger! Reach for the stars – they are waiting for you.
Soak it up, baby! Whew – this is heavy stuff. Remember not to take yourself too seriously! Lighten up, laugh, have fun, be young, sing and dance your heart out. Celebrate! Be thankful for all of your gifts and blessings. Honor them by letting yourself experience bliss at every opportunity. Let the bliss grow and expand. Sprinkle gold dust around everyone and everything you can see.
I know you know this, because you’ve said it before — you already have everything you need.
Time to stop chasing and start embracing. I have no doubt you will do it with flying colors. You already have.
Oodles of love and cupcakes,
Kaitlyn (of 2013)
Kaitlyn (of 2013)
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Wednesday, February 15, 2017
Sweetly Broken
Happy Discounted Chocolate Day!
(This is actually one of my favorite days of the year. That, and the day after Halloween.)
I should also probably say a late Happy Valentine's Day to all of you. It was only yesterday but, to me, it honestly feels like much longer.
I didn't post a Valentine's post last year, but the two years before last, I made sure to post on Valentine's Day about being enough and it being okay to be single of the most "romantic" holiday of the year. I didn't post last year because I was dating someone and I didn't really feel the need to post anything. However, this year, I want to talk just a little about some things that have been on my heart.
Yes, I am dating someone currently and yes, it is someone different than a year ago and someone different than a few months ago. I won't go in to much detail about our relationship, mostly because I want to keep it between us, but also because my relationship is not the subject of this post. I will share a few tidbits throughout this post, but don't expect much else. (If you really want to know, come and ask me or my boyfriend.)
So...Valentine's Day, huh?
A few years ago, I would've laughed and called it "Singles Awareness Day" or "Discounted Chocolate Eve". I would've made extensive plans with my friends and we would've made a night out of it eating chocolate, ice cream and laughing about boys. I would've struggled a bit throughout the day knowing I was single and that the day was meant for couples. I would've cried that night because I would've felt that nobody found me good enough to date.
However, this year, while partly the same, was also different. I have a boyfriend. So, I really should have someone to celebrate this day with, right? Wrong.
My boyfriend lives in Auburn. I live in Rome. We live a (long but short) 140 miles away from each other. He works full time. I attend school full time. We each have busy lives and we really can't see each other during the weekdays and have to settle for short weekend visits. Even then, sometimes we are too busy anyways and won't see each other for weeks at a time. It's hard being in a long distance relationship. And it's really crappy when Valentine's Day falls on the middle of the week.
(Please understand that I'm not complaining about having to be long distance. In fact, I think the long distance makes our relationship grow stronger. Our trust in each other grows every day. And I love the anticipation of seeing him after a long week or two without him.)
So, Valentine's Day was a Tuesday this year. I wasn't very happy about it because I couldn't see my boyfriend to celebrate with him and have a date night. We had already planned on having a date night this weekend when we saw each other again. We made plans to stay in, make homemade pizza and watch movies all night. It was going to be okay.
Except, for me, it wasn't.
I woke up feeling fine, but going throughout my day, I just kept feeling more and more upset about the holiday. I kept seeing girls with roses and boxes of candy and balloons and stuffed animals walking around campus. I saw couples holding hands and eating lunch together. I saw posts ALL OVER social media about couples and presents and their Valentine's date nights. (I mean, I posted a Valentine's Instagram pic too, but it was a throwback pic--most of the ones I was seeing were from that very day.) I was struggling to keep my composure throughout the day.
There was a part of my heart wishing the my boyfriend would surprise me at Berry with flowers and a hug and a date night. I mean, he had the day off and he could surprise me after I got out of class, right? I spent the entire day yesterday wishing and hoping that he would surprise me. That's the kind of person he is anyways. He surprises me with amazing gestures and in my heart, something like driving up to surprise me on Valentine's Day would be no different.
I knew I was being stupid to hope for so much. So in last minute efforts, I decided to get dinner with friends and hang out with them that night. I told my boyfriend and he was excited for me and told me, "go have fun, baby. You deserve it." That's when my heart kind of broke in two. I knew for sure that he wasn't going to surprise me up here. I shouldn't have been as upset as I was and I knew I was being irrational.
But I went and had fun with my friends. We ate dinner, got Starbucks and went to play with puppies for the rest of the night. I laughed; I smiled; I had a genuinely good time with them. Yet, when I got home and got in bed, I was still feeling a little heartbroken. I was purposefully being short with my boyfriend, though he never really asked what was wrong. I went to bed early (earlier than usual), as I didn't feel like doing any homework, and hoped that I could sleep off this feeling of heartbreak.
I will go ahead and say that I woke up in a much better mood this morning. Those feelings are gone now and I know I was being stupid yesterday for feeling those things.
So, I know I just bored you with a story about my Valentine's Day, but I wanted to let you guys in on a little secret:
No matter if you are in a relationship, if you are single, if it's just complicated, Valentine's Day doesn't have to be a crappy holiday. Make plans with your friends or just go treat yourself! You deserve it all and more.
I'll say it again, real love cannot be measured. In Psalms, it is said: "Your steadfast love, O LORD, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds" (Psalms 3:19). God's love for us is immeasurable. It goes far beyond our comprehension. It stretches into forever, towards eternity future.
His love is one that holds no bars. He gives us everything, to the point of sacrificing His own son. At the cross, the perfect love of the triune God was shown most vividly as the Son bore each of our sins for us. This is unquantifiable, immeasurable love.
We are enough. We are more than enough. We may be broken as humans of this earth, but you see...we are sweetly broken and wholly surrendered.
God loves us no matter what; No matter our pasts; No matter our presents; And no matter our futures. He loves us unconditionally and that's what we need to tell ourselves every single day, not just on Valentine's Day.
Let's proclaim to society that we are MORE than enough. We are the sons and daughters of a King who "made everything beautiful in its time" (Ecclesiastes 3:11). We were made special and with a unique purpose.
As soon as I woke up this morning, I proclaimed that I am loved by a perfect God and that I am enough for this world.
I may not have been able to spend Valentine's Day with my boyfriend and I may have not gotten flowers or candy or any presents on that day, but I know I don't have to worry about that with him. He makes me feel special and loved every other day of the week and I know he has fun plans for us this weekend.
So ladies (and fellas), do not worry about Valentine's Day. Find that one person that makes you feel loved every day of the year not just on the day they are supposed to. And if that person does not exist for you yet, know that God loves you anyways and always. So, trust in that.
In His Name,
(This is actually one of my favorite days of the year. That, and the day after Halloween.)
I should also probably say a late Happy Valentine's Day to all of you. It was only yesterday but, to me, it honestly feels like much longer.
I didn't post a Valentine's post last year, but the two years before last, I made sure to post on Valentine's Day about being enough and it being okay to be single of the most "romantic" holiday of the year. I didn't post last year because I was dating someone and I didn't really feel the need to post anything. However, this year, I want to talk just a little about some things that have been on my heart.
Yes, I am dating someone currently and yes, it is someone different than a year ago and someone different than a few months ago. I won't go in to much detail about our relationship, mostly because I want to keep it between us, but also because my relationship is not the subject of this post. I will share a few tidbits throughout this post, but don't expect much else. (If you really want to know, come and ask me or my boyfriend.)
So...Valentine's Day, huh?
A few years ago, I would've laughed and called it "Singles Awareness Day" or "Discounted Chocolate Eve". I would've made extensive plans with my friends and we would've made a night out of it eating chocolate, ice cream and laughing about boys. I would've struggled a bit throughout the day knowing I was single and that the day was meant for couples. I would've cried that night because I would've felt that nobody found me good enough to date.
However, this year, while partly the same, was also different. I have a boyfriend. So, I really should have someone to celebrate this day with, right? Wrong.
My boyfriend lives in Auburn. I live in Rome. We live a (long but short) 140 miles away from each other. He works full time. I attend school full time. We each have busy lives and we really can't see each other during the weekdays and have to settle for short weekend visits. Even then, sometimes we are too busy anyways and won't see each other for weeks at a time. It's hard being in a long distance relationship. And it's really crappy when Valentine's Day falls on the middle of the week.
(Please understand that I'm not complaining about having to be long distance. In fact, I think the long distance makes our relationship grow stronger. Our trust in each other grows every day. And I love the anticipation of seeing him after a long week or two without him.)
So, Valentine's Day was a Tuesday this year. I wasn't very happy about it because I couldn't see my boyfriend to celebrate with him and have a date night. We had already planned on having a date night this weekend when we saw each other again. We made plans to stay in, make homemade pizza and watch movies all night. It was going to be okay.
Except, for me, it wasn't.
I woke up feeling fine, but going throughout my day, I just kept feeling more and more upset about the holiday. I kept seeing girls with roses and boxes of candy and balloons and stuffed animals walking around campus. I saw couples holding hands and eating lunch together. I saw posts ALL OVER social media about couples and presents and their Valentine's date nights. (I mean, I posted a Valentine's Instagram pic too, but it was a throwback pic--most of the ones I was seeing were from that very day.) I was struggling to keep my composure throughout the day.
There was a part of my heart wishing the my boyfriend would surprise me at Berry with flowers and a hug and a date night. I mean, he had the day off and he could surprise me after I got out of class, right? I spent the entire day yesterday wishing and hoping that he would surprise me. That's the kind of person he is anyways. He surprises me with amazing gestures and in my heart, something like driving up to surprise me on Valentine's Day would be no different.
I knew I was being stupid to hope for so much. So in last minute efforts, I decided to get dinner with friends and hang out with them that night. I told my boyfriend and he was excited for me and told me, "go have fun, baby. You deserve it." That's when my heart kind of broke in two. I knew for sure that he wasn't going to surprise me up here. I shouldn't have been as upset as I was and I knew I was being irrational.
But I went and had fun with my friends. We ate dinner, got Starbucks and went to play with puppies for the rest of the night. I laughed; I smiled; I had a genuinely good time with them. Yet, when I got home and got in bed, I was still feeling a little heartbroken. I was purposefully being short with my boyfriend, though he never really asked what was wrong. I went to bed early (earlier than usual), as I didn't feel like doing any homework, and hoped that I could sleep off this feeling of heartbreak.
I will go ahead and say that I woke up in a much better mood this morning. Those feelings are gone now and I know I was being stupid yesterday for feeling those things.
So, I know I just bored you with a story about my Valentine's Day, but I wanted to let you guys in on a little secret:
No matter if you are in a relationship, if you are single, if it's just complicated, Valentine's Day doesn't have to be a crappy holiday. Make plans with your friends or just go treat yourself! You deserve it all and more.
I'll say it again, real love cannot be measured. In Psalms, it is said: "Your steadfast love, O LORD, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds" (Psalms 3:19). God's love for us is immeasurable. It goes far beyond our comprehension. It stretches into forever, towards eternity future.
His love is one that holds no bars. He gives us everything, to the point of sacrificing His own son. At the cross, the perfect love of the triune God was shown most vividly as the Son bore each of our sins for us. This is unquantifiable, immeasurable love.
We are enough. We are more than enough. We may be broken as humans of this earth, but you see...we are sweetly broken and wholly surrendered.
God loves us no matter what; No matter our pasts; No matter our presents; And no matter our futures. He loves us unconditionally and that's what we need to tell ourselves every single day, not just on Valentine's Day.
Let's proclaim to society that we are MORE than enough. We are the sons and daughters of a King who "made everything beautiful in its time" (Ecclesiastes 3:11). We were made special and with a unique purpose.
As soon as I woke up this morning, I proclaimed that I am loved by a perfect God and that I am enough for this world.
I may not have been able to spend Valentine's Day with my boyfriend and I may have not gotten flowers or candy or any presents on that day, but I know I don't have to worry about that with him. He makes me feel special and loved every other day of the week and I know he has fun plans for us this weekend.
So ladies (and fellas), do not worry about Valentine's Day. Find that one person that makes you feel loved every day of the year not just on the day they are supposed to. And if that person does not exist for you yet, know that God loves you anyways and always. So, trust in that.
In His Name,
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Monday, November 14, 2016
Silent
My breath was taken away tonight. I got to witness and be a part of one of the most amazing nights of my life so far.
Tonight was "Silent Night" at the Berry College chapel. For those who don't know what "Silent Night" is, I will explain it in just a bit.
A group known as Imprinted Blog set this all up and I honestly was a bit unsure of it at first. I mean, I'm a busy college student. I don't have time to go to a two hour event in the evening. Then, a friend texted me last week if I was going as she didn't want to go alone, and I told her that I was. So, tonight, I picked up my bible and my coffee mug and set off to the chapel with her to see what this night was going to hold for me.
And boy, was I pleasantly surprised.
These people had set up a table with treats and free coffee. (I KNOW. I was too excited about free food and coffee.)
Anyway, there were also stations set up around the chapel. And the goal was to follow them around the chapel in a counter-clockwise fashion. So, armed with coffee and a clear mind, we set off on a journey of reflection.
These stations were mesmerizing and so, so eye-opening. From handling balls of clay and focusing in on what it means to be moldable in the Potter's hands to writing letters to friends and family and those who need it. Every station was its own kind of revelation in myself and who I was in God. I was able to dig deep into the Word and focus on what He was telling me. I was able to hear Him in the silence.
Out of all the stations, there was one that was my absolute favorite. We were asked to go into a room and focus on the names God gives us. Immediately, I thought back to my blog. Obviously, as you guys know, my blog is titled "Hello, My Name Is..." and every post is a different name I am given by God. I couldn't write all of those names down and they were all swirling in my head.
We were told that once we figure out a name, we should write it on the mirror in the room. Already, the mirror had names liked "lovely", "son", and "friend" on it. As soon as my eyes landed on the mirror, I knew what name God wanted me to write. And thus, I wrote "DIVINE".
(Later on during the night, I would go on to write the phrase "broken but beloved" on a color swatch an stick it to another board.)
Divine means so many things to me and while I haven't written a blog post about it yet, I'm sure I will do so in the future. God calls me divine and I couldn't be happier.
I spent the last half hour in the chapel focusing on what God was saying to me. I was brought to my knees in the pews and poured out my heart to God. I released my burdens and placed my anxious heart into His hands. I opened my Bible to the cover page and saw another thing that I don't place much thought into. The cover page of my Bible is covered in verses of some of my favorite worship songs. I would write them down after hearing a song I particularly like. I don't think much about it until I looked at it tonight and the words "Come as you are" stared back at me.
I once again broke down in tears. For so many weeks I would go to church as someone I'm not. I want to please a certain crowd. I dress the part and play the part of a good Christian. I bury my sins deep down and act like they never happened. Those words in my Bible reminded me that I don't need to hide myself from Christ. He knows my innermost thoughts. There's no hiding from him.
God is so good to me when I don't deserve it. He speaks to me in the silence and all I need to do is shut up and listen. Tonight was one of those moments when I realized that and more. I think we all need a little silence in our lives. It allows us to truly hear God and to reflect on everything happening in our lives.
In His Name.
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
Patient
I am definitely one of those people that says "patience is a virtue". I believe that everything will happen in its own time and that God has a plan for everything.
However, I feel that, at this time in our nation, we need to be practicing patience more than anything. Things are a little crazy and I'm finding it hard be patient. With the election happening today and with graduation less than six months away (OMG), I find myself getting more and more stressed and wanting to get it all over and done with.
So, let's talk about what it means to be patient in our lives.
Patience is not a personality trait…
Despite our great wish that it could be so simple to excuse it’s absence in us. It does not come naturally or easily to any us. It is a character trait. It must be developed, honed, grown, tried, tested, proven. We are, naturally, selfish creatures, desiring our own way in our own timing always. Conscious effort must be made to flourish Patience. And how is Patience grown? In trials of course! Trials breed Patience, patience keeps us safe in trials. It is a cycle of growth, with each struggle we become equipped to handle the next. With each one growing in strength of character until we are who we were made to be.
It's not laziness or "passive waiting"...
And it's not a hardship, no matter what we all believe...
Yes, patience will carry us through hardship, but do not get the idea that in accepting the task of learning Patience that you are subjecting yourself to a dismal existence. No! Patience is the very force that enables us to be able to live gloriously though all around you be broken. For Patience sees through the present gloom into the future brightness. Patience doesn’t just smile bravely as hell breaks loose around you. Patience smiles with a secret that it knows, though no one else can see it. Living in Patience is like living in the week before Christmas. The present is still a mystery, yet there is that package under the tree; bright, shiny, making you smile with anticipation whenever you think of it. You cannot open the present today, but you know that it is prepared for you. And so you are happy. THAT is Patience.
One of my favorite verses is in James. It says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" (James 1:2-4).
STORY TIME!
About two weeks ago, I received a call from my mother. It was like any normal call except for the very end. Apparently, we were having some financial aid issues and we lost some grant money that we were supposed to receive to help pay for my education at Berry. There was miscommunication through everyone and for a little bit, I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to finish my senior year.
I didn't want to be patient about any of it. I wanted things to figure themselves out and I didn't want to worry about any of it! I mean, isn't that what anybody would be wishing for??
So, I had to go meet with my financial advisor and figure things out and eventually had to write an appeal letter to Berry to try and get grants or loans to help me and my family out. It was stressful and I was on the edge of my seat for about a week.
Fast forward to today.
I was laying in bed and watching a movie, not really doing much of anything. I heard my phone ring, notifying me of an email from someone at Berry. I opened it and saw an email from financial aid and immediately my heart started pounding. I didn't want to open it. I just assumed that it would be bad news. However, I built up the courage and opened the email... And you know what?
My appeal was approved! That's right, Berry granted me more financial aid to help with my education and I will still be able to graduate on time next May!
After opening that email, I began to sob. Literally sob in my bed. I was so overwhelmed with everything that I just broke down.
Guys...God is so so good. I felt so stupid for being stressed out about this thing in life. I really should've trusted God with the weight of those burdens. Yet, I took it all upon myself to carry those weights.
You see, that story can apply to the rest of life. Especially with this election going on right now.
We need to stop stressing and worrying about everything. Yes, this election is crazy and yes, there are awful things going on in this country. But, we need to cast all those burdens on the Lord.
"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)
"Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken." (Psalm 55:22)
We need to come together and be patient. We should not fear anything that happens on this world. For we have a heavenly world waiting for us. The bible clearly says "do not fear" 365 times. That is enough for every day of the year.
So, let us not fear the future. Let us not worry about whatever will happen with this election. Let's cast all our anxieties upon the Lord and trust that He has the perfect plan for us.
And remember, Christ is King. He will not forsake us.
In His Name.
However, I feel that, at this time in our nation, we need to be practicing patience more than anything. Things are a little crazy and I'm finding it hard be patient. With the election happening today and with graduation less than six months away (OMG), I find myself getting more and more stressed and wanting to get it all over and done with.
So, let's talk about what it means to be patient in our lives.
Patience is not a personality trait…
Despite our great wish that it could be so simple to excuse it’s absence in us. It does not come naturally or easily to any us. It is a character trait. It must be developed, honed, grown, tried, tested, proven. We are, naturally, selfish creatures, desiring our own way in our own timing always. Conscious effort must be made to flourish Patience. And how is Patience grown? In trials of course! Trials breed Patience, patience keeps us safe in trials. It is a cycle of growth, with each struggle we become equipped to handle the next. With each one growing in strength of character until we are who we were made to be.
It's not laziness or "passive waiting"...
And it's not a hardship, no matter what we all believe...
Yes, patience will carry us through hardship, but do not get the idea that in accepting the task of learning Patience that you are subjecting yourself to a dismal existence. No! Patience is the very force that enables us to be able to live gloriously though all around you be broken. For Patience sees through the present gloom into the future brightness. Patience doesn’t just smile bravely as hell breaks loose around you. Patience smiles with a secret that it knows, though no one else can see it. Living in Patience is like living in the week before Christmas. The present is still a mystery, yet there is that package under the tree; bright, shiny, making you smile with anticipation whenever you think of it. You cannot open the present today, but you know that it is prepared for you. And so you are happy. THAT is Patience.
One of my favorite verses is in James. It says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" (James 1:2-4).
STORY TIME!
About two weeks ago, I received a call from my mother. It was like any normal call except for the very end. Apparently, we were having some financial aid issues and we lost some grant money that we were supposed to receive to help pay for my education at Berry. There was miscommunication through everyone and for a little bit, I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to finish my senior year.
I didn't want to be patient about any of it. I wanted things to figure themselves out and I didn't want to worry about any of it! I mean, isn't that what anybody would be wishing for??
So, I had to go meet with my financial advisor and figure things out and eventually had to write an appeal letter to Berry to try and get grants or loans to help me and my family out. It was stressful and I was on the edge of my seat for about a week.
Fast forward to today.
I was laying in bed and watching a movie, not really doing much of anything. I heard my phone ring, notifying me of an email from someone at Berry. I opened it and saw an email from financial aid and immediately my heart started pounding. I didn't want to open it. I just assumed that it would be bad news. However, I built up the courage and opened the email... And you know what?
My appeal was approved! That's right, Berry granted me more financial aid to help with my education and I will still be able to graduate on time next May!
After opening that email, I began to sob. Literally sob in my bed. I was so overwhelmed with everything that I just broke down.
Guys...God is so so good. I felt so stupid for being stressed out about this thing in life. I really should've trusted God with the weight of those burdens. Yet, I took it all upon myself to carry those weights.
You see, that story can apply to the rest of life. Especially with this election going on right now.
We need to stop stressing and worrying about everything. Yes, this election is crazy and yes, there are awful things going on in this country. But, we need to cast all those burdens on the Lord.
"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)
"Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken." (Psalm 55:22)
We need to come together and be patient. We should not fear anything that happens on this world. For we have a heavenly world waiting for us. The bible clearly says "do not fear" 365 times. That is enough for every day of the year.
So, let us not fear the future. Let us not worry about whatever will happen with this election. Let's cast all our anxieties upon the Lord and trust that He has the perfect plan for us.
And remember, Christ is King. He will not forsake us.
In His Name.
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