Willing

I'm sitting here, unable to sleep, watching CSI and musing over my current life.

Career-wise, I'm not at all where I want to be...where I dream to be.

Relationship-wise, I couldn't be happier. I'm getting to marry the man of my dreams in October.

Health-wise, I'm still working on this part...I'm back to working out and I'm eating healthier.

Faith-wise, I still struggle on a weekly basis.

Ever since I graduated college last year, I've been stuck. I've had a secure job for the past eight years of my life. I'm in a leadership position and make decent money. I live in a nice apartment and have enough money to pay rent, utilities, student loans and still be able to buy groceries and have some fun once in a while. Yes, there are times when money is a bit short and we are living off ramen and Easy-Mac, but it's not often. (We are open to being broker than usual because we are saving for a wedding.)

Yet, everyday, I get in bed feeling drained and a little bit overwhelmed with life. Honestly, it's taken me a little while to figure out just why that is.

And you know what I figured out?

I am so obsessed with my own will for my life that I become so stressed and anxious that I mentally and physically tire myself out every day. I tell myself that the job I have is a safety net and that I shouldn't venture out for new opportunities. I convince myself that jobs will come running to me rather than the other way around. I say, "Oh, it's okay, Kaitlyn. You make enough money to support yourself. You don't need anything else."

I am so focused on the exact job I want (something that I had to realize that I won't be able to get without experience first) that I ignore everything else going on around me. And then, I blame others for trying to push me out of my safety net.

This past Sunday, I sat down on my couch, opened up my laptop and realized that I've been handling life all wrong.

I shouldn't be focusing on how I want my life to go, but how God is working through my life.

God has a will for each of our lives. He has a plan that won't fail us. Yes, it is full of obstacles, but God never gives us more than we can handle.

God wants to challenge us--to shape us into the people He wills us to be. It is our choice, however, to follow HIs will or betray Him and follow our own.

I know that you hear this a lot, but I'm going to say it again: Everything works in God's timing. God's timing is always perfect.

It's hard to believe that sometimes. I still have some trouble believing it, but I do know that everything works out in His plan for my life. I'm currently working through a speed bump in life and I just have to get over it in order to move on.

I have been so stuck on staying in one spot, that I haven't opened myself up to possibilities that are all around me. I realized that I needed to be more open to relocating to a different city or even a different state in order to make my own dreams a reality.

I need to trust that God is working hard in my life to give me the best life He can. But, I also need to help Him out a little by stepping away from my "security blanket" and telling Him that I am ready to go...that I am ready to move to wherever He needs me to be. I must be willing to pursue my dreams with Him right by my side. If I don't get the first job I want, I might get the second. And I've got to put my faith in that's where God wants me to be at that current moment.

As an update to you all, I've starting putting myself out there more. I've started to apply for more jobs around the country and it is more than likely that I'll be moving from my hometown in order to pursue my dreams. My fiancé and family have been nothing but supportive and I pray that God will be right by my side throughout the entire process. I ask you all for prayers and good thoughts as I take the next steps towards my future career. And don't worry, you will all be updated as soon as I find something out and for now, I will remain in Auburn to work and stay close to my family.

In His Name.

Glow Stick

As I sit here watching The Santa Claus and drinking hot chocolate from my favorite Christmas mug, I am filled with so much peace I can't even describe it. My Christmas tree is lit, the room smells like fir trees and chocolate, and I can't stop smiling at the antics of Tim Allen.

This mood is far different than the one I had a few nights ago.

That night, I wasn't happy, I wasn't peaceful and I wasn't feeling the Christmas cheer. I just wanted to lay in bed and sleep the darkness away.

I'm not going to lie...I have nights like that every other month or so. My brain mis-wires and I just shut down. Most of the time, my fiancé (yes! I am engaged! 💑) can't even be the one to comfort me. So, I end up locking myself in my own head until it all goes away.

Those nights are not fun. Not for me and especially not for him. I can't imagine what he feels like when there isn't anything he can do for me. And usually, I can't find anything to help myself either. It's an awful feeling..the helplessness...the darkness...all of it.

The morning after a night like that is usually much better. I'm in a better mood and I can feel things again. This particular morning, however, a Facebook post caught my eye...

And I lost it.

I wanted to run and hide and cry my eyes out because everything in that post was 100% true for me. The only problem? I couldn't hide from God.

This post talked about how we can shine as humans and how we must be broken in order to do so.

You see, we, as humans, are like glow sticks. We sit in our packaging, dark and uninteresting. We may be colorful, but those colors are dull, lifeless. Our potential is very low.

We aren't doing what we were created to do. 

But imagine this: God takes you--a dark, boring glow stick--and breaks you. He breaks you to your very core. To the point where you are bruised, battered and cracked. Then, something amazing happens...

You begin to shine. 

The light that has been hiding inside you all along begins to show. Starting from your core and spreading outward. You get brighter and brighter until all you do is shine.

Sometimes you have to break before you can shine.

God works in so many mysterious, but wondrous ways. He is always working. In you. Around you. For you. He is shaping and molding you into the person he created you to be. Don't push yourself away from Him. Allow Him to break you. Allow Him to place His hands on you so that you can live to your fullest potential.

You see, these dark nights in my life...those are just nights that I need to be broken again in order to shine. I just need to allow God to place His hands on me so that I can shine again.

My life has been a mess of highs and lows, but I am thankful for every single one of them.  Without those moments in my life, I wouldn't be where I am today. I thank God every day for my journey and for Him putting me on it.

So, remember, don't be afraid to break every once in a while. You have to do it in order to shine.

In His Name.

Saved

Hey you guys. It's been a while, huh? Sorry about that. I've been kind of busy with graduation, moving into a new apartment, and just life as an adult. The past two weeks or so, however, I've had a lot on my plate with working a full time job, trying to balance friendships, relationships, and my family and being caught up with an array of illnesses (a cold, bronchitis, sinusitis, and walking pneumonia). Even with all this going on, I've had a lot on my mind and I would like to get it all out on here if possible. So, just bear with me for a moment.

(An updated selfie for you all)

A few weeks ago, I was talking to my boyfriend after a long day at work and I just broke down, admitting to him that I felt so alone. I explained to him that it felt like I didn't have any friends here and that all I did was stay of the apartment and go to work. I wanted to be able to go out and do things with people like I did while I was at Berry. I was tired of being so alone.

He tried to explain that we were saving money and that all I had to do was contact my friends to hang out with them. (However, I didn't explain to him the complicated relationships I had with many people still here in Auburn.) I shook my head and told him that it's very hard for me to be the first to say something because I don't want to be a bother and I feel like I'm annoying if I do so. He finally talked me into texting some friends from Berry and when they responded, I felt so much relief. All it took was one text, and then, we were connected again.

It's hard for me to go hang out with people especially when our off days don't line up or when I work till 11 every night. However, I do have fun at work with many friends, and I still enjoy keeping up with them via texts or pictures.

The main reason for this post isn't to talk about how I figured out the key to healthy relationships (it's communication if you were wondering)...it's to talk about how many of these people saved me from myself and how they continue to save me every day.

This week is National Suicide Prevention Week.

If you don't know me (which many of you may not), many years ago, while I was in high school, I became depressed and even subjected myself to self-harm on multiple occasions. During that time, there were a couple instances when I even thought that my life didn't matter and that killing myself would be the only way to end my pain.

(If you want to read more of my story, see it here: "Broken and Healed")

Suicide is a very touchy subject with me; however, I am more than willing to share my story and offer help to others. (By touchy, I mean I don't like to joke about it or hear others joke about it.)

I used to think that nobody cared about me...that no one cared if I was hurting myself on purpose or that I wasn't acting like myself. It took a lot of people to put their hands on me to convince me that I was worth it. It still takes a village to remind me that I matter every day. Here's a few of those people:

(My actual fam)

(my Chick-fil-a fam)

This doesn't even amass to my entire village. This probably only covers 5% of it. These people are my stronghold. Every day that I feel like I'm about to fall back into that hole, they are the ones who lift me out of it. My village expands from Auburn, AL to Rome, GA, from California to Washington D.C., and from Haiti to Africa. My village covers the world. And I am so thankful for them every day.

When I was placed on bed rest from contracting walking pneumonia and three other viruses, these people were the first ones to text, to call and to give hugs, making sure I was okay and taken care of. No matter how stubborn I was, they were the ones to drag me to Urgent Care, to supply me with soup and to send me home from work when I'm dead on my feet. 

I can't imagine a greater village to be a part of. 

Even after seven years, I still have 'dark' thoughts. It's a mental illness. I can't really stop it. I don't blame myself for them and I don't blame anyone else. The one thing I do tell myself, though, is that my village is always here for me. No matter what. 

And YOUR village is here for you too. Take a moment and look around. You have SO MANY people who care about and for you. I care about you. Please don't ever think that suicide is an option for you. You are on this earth for a reason. We all love you. At the end of this post, I am going to post numbers and websites that you can use if you are in that dark place and it seems like there is no way out.

First, I am going to share a song with you. This song is fairly new and it honestly means so much to me. And I hope it can share hope and life with you as well. 

Second, I want to thank my village for everything they've done for me. You may not realize you played a part, but you did and I will be forever grateful. I love you all so much. 

And finally, feel free to message me if you need to talk or vent about life. I may not know you and I don't have to. Sometimes all we need is someone to listen to us and not judge. And trust me, I'm far from judging anyone for anything. 

I love you all.

In His Name

Kaitlyn

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

TWLOHA: https://twloha.com

Hopeful

When I was a freshman in college, I wrote a letter to myself and tucked it away for when I was about to graduate as a senior. I forgot all about it. Today, I pulled it out and read it and cried. And cried. And cried. I was not aware of how much I needed this today. Sometimes the biggest blessings are the ones you don't see coming. I am going to share this letter with you, because I think it is something everyone needs to hear. Especially those who are graduating in a few days. Much love. 

Dear Kaitlyn, 

I am so proud of you. You’ve worked really hard to get where you are, and I want you to relax now. You have so many good things coming, you don’t have to work as hard as you think you do. Enjoy your life and watch things unfold, all in perfect time. Time to square your shoulders back, hold your head high, and keep moving through your life with grace and ease. And don’t forget to smile!

I can tell you that you will not remember all those little tasks, deadlines and emails you worry about. You’ve got the small stuff covered. You’ve accomplished every goal you’ve ever set and then some. I hope you are as proud of yourself as I am.

Amidst all the external definitions of success, please don’t forget to look inward.

A few reminders:

Take care of yourself. Eat well. Exercise. Get outside. Get plenty of sleep. Rest and remember to spend plenty of time alone. Put yourself first so that you can share your best gifts with the world.

Be nicer to yourself. Weighing ten pounds less does not make you a better or more interesting person. Weighing ten or twenty pounds more does not make you unloveable. For every day or every moment you criticize yourself, you are cheating yourself out of your fullest joy.

Face some hard truths. You will hit rough patches. You will have more “lowest moments of your life.” Again you will find yourself feeling dark and depressed. Again you will find yourself going to sleep fully clothed because you cannot muster the emotional energy to get undressed. These moments always turn out to be your best teachers. These are the moments that will help you serve others in new, extraordinary ways.

Let people in. You will know when the time is right. When it is, let go. Let yourself love with abandon. You don’t have to protect yourself so much. You will still be able to take care of yourself if and when these relationships end, and they will have given you new perspectives on life.

Forgive yourself. It’s time to stop carrying all that guilt. That you could have been nicer, more accommodating, more supportive, more generous, more selfless; that you could have given more time and attention – or even more love. The past is in the past, and you are doing the very best you can. The very best does not mean perfect. It is okay if you aren’t perfect — none of us are.

Live your life on your own terms. Stop looking for everyone’s approval. Stop living in fear that if you say or do the wrong thing, you will lose people forever. If that happens, it wasn’t meant to be. Stop auditioning for other people’s lives and embrace yourself, exactly as you are.

A note on judging others. It is so easy to do – we all do it. But be careful who you judge, what you turn your nose up to, and the opinions you rally behind without questioning. They almost always come back to teach you a lesson by giving you the very experience that you were so quick to judge. Treat others with respect, compassion and an open-mind at every possible moment.

You are capable of so much more than you even realize. We all are. You have infinite power at your fingertips and it’s just waiting for you to engage it. Take those risks you are afraid of taking. Trust yourself.

You’ve gotten yourself this far in your life — keep going. Even more greatness lies ahead if you can just take the leap, even in those moments where you can’t see the other side yet. Dream even bigger! Reach for the stars – they are waiting for you.

Soak it up, baby! Whew – this is heavy stuff. Remember not to take yourself too seriously! Lighten up, laugh, have fun, be young, sing and dance your heart out. Celebrate! Be thankful for all of your gifts and blessings. Honor them by letting yourself experience bliss at every opportunity. Let the bliss grow and expand. Sprinkle gold dust around everyone and everything you can see.

I know you know this, because you’ve said it before — you already have everything you need. 

Time to stop chasing and start embracing. I have no doubt you will do it with flying colors. You already have.

Oodles of love and cupcakes,
Kaitlyn (of 2013)

Sweetly Broken

Happy Discounted Chocolate Day!

(This is actually one of my favorite days of the year. That, and the day after Halloween.)

I should also probably say a late Happy Valentine's Day to all of you. It was only yesterday but, to me, it honestly feels like much longer.

I didn't post a Valentine's post last year, but the two years before last, I made sure to post on Valentine's Day about being enough and it being okay to be single of the most "romantic" holiday of the year. I didn't post last year because I was dating someone and I didn't really feel the need to post anything. However, this year, I want to talk just a little about some things that have been on my heart.

Yes, I am dating someone currently and yes, it is someone different than a year ago and someone different than a few months ago. I won't go in to much detail about our relationship, mostly because I want to keep it between us, but also because my relationship is not the subject of this post. I will share a few tidbits throughout this post, but don't expect much else. (If you really want to know, come and ask me or my boyfriend.)

So...Valentine's Day, huh?

A few years ago, I would've laughed and called it "Singles Awareness Day" or "Discounted Chocolate Eve". I would've made extensive plans with my friends and we would've made a night out of it eating chocolate, ice cream and laughing about boys. I would've struggled a bit throughout the day knowing I was single and that the day was meant for couples. I would've cried that night because I would've felt that nobody found me good enough to date.

However, this year, while partly the same, was also different. I have a boyfriend. So, I really should have someone to celebrate this day with, right? Wrong.

My boyfriend lives in Auburn. I live in Rome. We live a (long but short) 140 miles away from each other. He works full time. I attend school full time. We each have busy lives and we really can't see each other during the weekdays and have to settle for short weekend visits. Even then, sometimes we are too busy anyways and won't see each other for weeks at a time. It's hard being in a long distance relationship. And it's really crappy when Valentine's Day falls on the middle of the week.

(Please understand that I'm not complaining about having to be long distance. In fact, I think the long distance makes our relationship grow stronger. Our trust in each other grows every day. And I love the anticipation of seeing him after a long week or two without him.)

So, Valentine's Day was a Tuesday this year. I wasn't very happy about it because I couldn't see my boyfriend to celebrate with him and have a date night. We had already planned on having a date night this weekend when we saw each other again. We made plans to stay in, make homemade pizza and watch movies all night. It was going to be okay.

Except, for me, it wasn't.

I woke up feeling fine, but going throughout my day, I just kept feeling more and more upset about the holiday. I kept seeing girls with roses and boxes of candy and balloons and stuffed animals walking around campus. I saw couples holding hands and eating lunch together. I saw posts ALL OVER social media about couples and presents and their Valentine's date nights. (I mean, I posted a Valentine's Instagram pic too, but it was a throwback pic--most of the ones I was seeing were from that very day.) I was struggling to keep my composure throughout the day.

There was a part of my heart wishing the my boyfriend would surprise me at Berry with flowers and a hug and a date night. I mean, he had the day off and he could surprise me after I got out of class, right? I spent the entire day yesterday wishing and hoping that he would surprise me. That's the kind of person he is anyways. He surprises me with amazing gestures and in my heart, something like driving up to surprise me on Valentine's Day would be no different.

I knew I was being stupid to hope for so much. So in last minute efforts, I decided to get dinner with friends and hang out with them that night. I told my boyfriend and he was excited for me and told me, "go have fun, baby. You deserve it." That's when my heart kind of broke in two. I knew for sure that he wasn't going to surprise me up here. I shouldn't have been as upset as I was and I knew I was being irrational.

But I went and had fun with my friends. We ate dinner, got Starbucks and went to play with puppies for the rest of the night. I laughed; I smiled; I had a genuinely good time with them. Yet, when I got home and got in bed, I was still feeling a little heartbroken. I was purposefully being short with my boyfriend, though he never really asked what was wrong. I went to bed early (earlier than usual), as I didn't feel like doing any homework, and hoped that I could sleep off this feeling of heartbreak.

I will go ahead and say that I woke up in a much better mood this morning. Those feelings are gone now and I know I was being stupid yesterday for feeling those things.

So, I know I just bored you with a story about my Valentine's Day, but I wanted to let you guys in on a little secret:

No matter if you are in a relationship, if you are single, if it's just complicated, Valentine's Day doesn't have to be a crappy holiday. Make plans with your friends or just go treat yourself! You deserve it all and more.

I'll say it again, real love cannot be measured. In Psalms, it is said: "Your steadfast love, O LORD, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds" (Psalms 3:19). God's love for us is immeasurable. It goes far beyond our comprehension. It stretches into forever, towards eternity future.

His love is one that holds no bars. He gives us everything, to the point of sacrificing His own son. At the cross, the perfect love of the triune God was shown most vividly as the Son bore each of our sins for us. This is unquantifiable, immeasurable love.

We are enough. We are more than enough. We may be broken as humans of this earth, but you see...we are sweetly broken and wholly surrendered. 

God loves us no matter what; No matter our pasts; No matter our presents; And no matter our futures. He loves us unconditionally and that's what we need to tell ourselves every single day, not just on Valentine's Day. 

Let's proclaim to society that we are MORE than enough. We are the sons and daughters of a King who "made everything beautiful in its time" (Ecclesiastes 3:11). We were made special and with a unique purpose.

As soon as I woke up this morning, I proclaimed that I am loved by a perfect God and that I am enough for this world. 

I may not have been able to spend Valentine's Day with my boyfriend and I may have not gotten flowers or candy or any presents on that day, but I know I don't have to worry about that with him. He makes me feel special and loved every other day of the week and I know he has fun plans for us this weekend. 

So ladies (and fellas), do not worry about Valentine's Day. Find that one person that makes you feel loved every day of the year not just on the day they are supposed to. And if that person does not exist for you yet, know that God loves you anyways and always. So, trust in that.

In His Name,

Silent

My breath was taken away tonight. I got to witness and be a part of one of the most amazing nights of my life so far.

Tonight was "Silent Night" at the Berry College chapel. For those who don't know what "Silent Night" is, I will explain it in just a bit. 

A group known as Imprinted Blog set this all up and I honestly was a bit unsure of it at first. I mean, I'm a busy college student. I don't have time to go to a two hour event in the evening. Then, a friend texted me last week if I was going as she didn't want to go alone, and I told her that I was. So, tonight, I picked up my bible and my coffee mug and set off to the chapel with her to see what this night was going to hold for me.

And boy, was I pleasantly surprised. 

These people had set up a table with treats and free coffee. (I KNOW. I was too excited about free food and coffee.)

Anyway, there were also stations set up around the chapel. And the goal was to follow them around the chapel in a counter-clockwise fashion. So, armed with coffee and a clear mind, we set off on a journey of reflection. 

These stations were mesmerizing and so, so eye-opening. From handling balls of clay and focusing in on what it means to be moldable in the Potter's hands to writing letters to friends and family and those who need it. Every station was its own kind of revelation in myself and who I was in God. I was able to dig deep into the Word and focus on what He was telling me. I was able to hear Him in the silence. 

Out of all the stations, there was one that was my absolute favorite. We were asked to go into a room and focus on the names God gives us. Immediately, I thought back to my blog. Obviously, as you guys know, my blog is titled "Hello, My Name Is..." and every post is a different name I am given by God. I couldn't write all of those names down and they were all swirling in my head.

We were told that once we figure out a name, we should write it on the mirror in the room. Already, the mirror had names liked "lovely", "son", and "friend" on it. As soon as my eyes landed on the mirror, I knew what name God wanted me to write. And thus, I wrote "DIVINE". 

(Later on during the night, I would go on to write the phrase "broken but beloved" on a color swatch an stick it to another board.)

Divine means so many things to me and while I haven't written a blog post about it yet, I'm sure I will do so in the future. God calls me divine and I couldn't be happier.

I spent the last half hour in the chapel focusing on what God was saying to me. I was brought to my knees in the pews and poured out my heart to God. I released my burdens and placed my anxious heart into His hands. I opened my Bible to the cover page and saw another thing that I don't place much thought into. The cover page of my Bible is covered in verses of some of my favorite worship songs. I would write them down after hearing a song I particularly like. I don't think much about it until I looked at it tonight and the words "Come as you are" stared back at me. 

I once again broke down in tears. For so many weeks I would go to church as someone I'm not. I want to please a certain crowd. I dress the part and play the part of a good Christian. I bury my sins deep down and act like they never happened. Those words in my Bible reminded me that I don't need to hide myself from Christ. He knows my innermost thoughts. There's no hiding from him. 

God is so good to me when I don't deserve it. He speaks to me in the silence and all I need to do is shut up and listen. Tonight was one of those moments when I realized that and more. I think we all need a little silence in our lives. It allows us to truly hear God and to reflect on everything happening in our lives.

In His Name.

Patient

I am definitely one of those people that says "patience is a virtue". I believe that everything will happen in its own time and that God has a plan for everything.

However, I feel that, at this time in our nation, we need to be practicing patience more than anything. Things are a little crazy and I'm finding it hard be patient. With the election happening today and with graduation less than six months away (OMG), I find myself getting more and more stressed and wanting to get it all over and done with.

So, let's talk about what it means to be patient in our lives.

Patience is not a personality trait…

Despite our great wish that it could be so simple to excuse it’s absence in us. It does not come naturally or easily to any us. It is a character trait. It must be developed, honed, grown, tried, tested, proven. We are, naturally, selfish creatures, desiring our own way in our own timing always. Conscious effort must be made to flourish Patience. And how is Patience grown? In trials of course! Trials breed Patience, patience keeps us safe in trials. It is a cycle of growth, with each struggle we become equipped to handle the next. With each one growing in strength of character until we are who we were made to be.

It's not laziness or "passive waiting"...

And it's not a hardship, no matter what we all believe...

 Yes, patience will carry us through hardship, but do not get the idea that in accepting the task of learning Patience that you are subjecting yourself to a dismal existence. No! Patience is the very force that enables us to be able to live gloriously though all around you be broken. For Patience sees through the present gloom into the future brightness. Patience doesn’t just smile bravely as hell breaks loose around you. Patience smiles with a secret that it knows, though no one else can see it. Living in Patience is like living in the week before Christmas. The present is still a mystery, yet there is that package under the tree; bright, shiny, making you smile with anticipation whenever you think of it. You cannot open the present today, but you know that it is prepared for you. And so you are happy. THAT is Patience.

One of my favorite verses is in James. It says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" (James 1:2-4).

STORY TIME!

About two weeks ago, I received a call from my mother. It was like any normal call except for the very end. Apparently, we were having some financial aid issues and we lost some grant money that we were supposed to receive to help pay for my education at Berry. There was miscommunication through everyone and for a little bit, I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to finish my senior year.

I didn't want to be patient about any of it. I wanted things to figure themselves out and I didn't want to worry about any of it! I mean, isn't that what anybody would be wishing for??

So, I had to go meet with my financial advisor and figure things out and eventually had to write an appeal letter to Berry to try and get grants or loans to help me and my family out. It was stressful and I was on the edge of my seat for about a week.

Fast forward to today.

I was laying in bed and watching a movie, not really doing much of anything. I heard my phone ring, notifying me of an email from someone at Berry. I opened it and saw an email from financial aid and immediately my heart started pounding. I didn't want to open it. I just assumed that it would be bad news. However, I built up the courage and opened the email... And you know what?

My appeal was approved! That's right, Berry granted me more financial aid to help with my education and I will still be able to graduate on time next May!

After opening that email, I began to sob. Literally sob in my bed. I was so overwhelmed with everything that I just broke down.

Guys...God is so so good. I felt so stupid for being stressed out about this thing in life. I really should've trusted God with the weight of those burdens. Yet, I took it all upon myself to carry those weights.

You see, that story can apply to the rest of life. Especially with this election going on right now.

We need to stop stressing and worrying about everything. Yes, this election is crazy and yes, there are awful things going on in this country. But, we need to cast all those burdens on the Lord.

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)

"Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken." (Psalm 55:22)

We need to come together and be patient. We should not fear anything that happens on this world. For we have a heavenly world waiting for us. The bible clearly says "do not fear" 365 times. That is enough for every day of the year. 

So, let us not fear the future. Let us not worry about whatever will happen with this election. Let's cast all our anxieties upon the Lord and trust that He has the perfect plan for us. 

And remember, Christ is King. He will not forsake us. 

In His Name.

Anxious

When I woke up this morning, that feeling was back. That looming feeling of dread.

It was 8am and my heart was racing. Not the racing you get when you're talking to your crush. No. It was an entire-body type of rhythm that caused my entire body to shake. For just a millisecond, it feels like excitement. It feels like something good is going to happen any minute now. Then...the feeling changes. The awful swarm of bees (it's not butterflies when it's not a good feeling) start in my stomach; I feel my face heat from the neck up; my head starts pounding and I feel slightly nauseous; I want to welcome the blanket of darkness that is beginning to cover me. I can't catch my breath. I begin sweating for unknown reasons. I feel like I can't get control of my own body.

Years ago, I wouldn't have had any clue what was going on. I would've thought I was absolutely crazy. I would've thought that the feelings had something to do with the amount of coffee I drank the night before. I would've never guessed that I was having an anxiety attack.

Anxiety is hard to explain to people that don't know what it is or what its symptoms look like. It's hard to explain when all you're told is "Calm down. It'll be okay."

No. It won't.

Anxiety isn't something that you can magically make disappear. It is something that people live with and is quite hard to explain when even you have no idea what is going on inside your mind.

I thought for a while (throughout my college career) that I was just depressed and that there has just a black hole in my mind. Now, after speaking with a counselor about my issues and life, I found that I'm not necessarily depressed, but anxious. And while I don't have prescribed medicine for my anxiety, I do have things that I do on a daily basis to fight the monster that is anxiety.

Anxiety looks like a normal day. It is good and yet, it is bad. It tells me that it's okay to stay in bed and sleep all day...I need the rest. It tells me that I shouldn't go out at night so I can get to class in the morning and then turns around and tells me that I am such a loser for staying in my room by myself and then says there isn't a point in going to class.

Anxiety suffocates me. It tells me I am worthless. It tells me that nobody cares about me and yet anxiety is my best friend because it tricks me.

Anxiety tells me to make a list of things to do for the day and then tells me to throw it out because there is simply too much to do. It tells me to take my time and then chastises me for making myself late. It tells me that it's too much to walk to get dinner from the dining hall. It tells me that there are people there that I don't want to see.

Anxiety soothes me and tells me that I am blessed to have found a major that I love and that I am rare and lucky to have not changed majors at all. Then it tells me that animal science isn't a real career without vet school and that I will never find a job I truly love.

It tells me not to make a scene by throwing away trash during class. It tells me that I shouldn't go to the bathroom during a meeting because everyone will stare at me. It tells me not to answer that phone call and to let the voicemail pick it up. Then, tells me that I shouldn't listen to the voicemail because it's probably just bad news.

It is going to the store and not being able to choose what you really want. It is making you feel like you have to buy everything there and then berates you for spending money. It is going to the self-checkout line so you won't have to converse with anybody.

Anxiety makes me feel overwhelmed about stopping for gas when the light comes on. It makes me want to do new things to my hair and makeup, but then tells me there is no use because it won't change me.

Anxiety is making plans with friends and then canceling because you don't want to go out.

It is a fake smile. It is sweaty palms and a dizzy head. It is a furrowed brow and a rapidly beating heart. It is lonely. It is evil. It is a shadow of darkness covering me when I am alone. It even covers me when I am with a group of people.

Anxiety is misunderstood.

But, let me tell you something. It is not always in control. Yes, it is envious and doesn't want to share me with anyone else. But, I know people are struggling, just like me, and so I share myself anyways.

I'm here to tell you that you are not alone in this. Should I repeat that?

YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE.

You don't have to fight this alone. There are people all around who are struggling with this. I only found out this year that people who are close to me are struggling with this as much as I am.

The minute I realized I was having an attack this morning, I texted a close friend and made plans for dinner. They are a person who won't judge me for anything and someone that I know I can open up to no matter what. I also told my boyfriend how I was feeling and he sent comforting and encouraging words to me. He helped calm my heart and gave me the strength to get up and get ready for the day. I even called to make an appointment with my counselor. I knew that I needed to talk through my feelings and a therapist is a great way to do that. So, find people like that--people who will always be there for you no matter what. Trust me, it makes a huge difference in your life.

Anxiety isn't something to take lightly. It is serious and it is out there. People with anxiety don't want to share their experience. That's a part of being constantly anxious. But, anxiety is not always in control. It isn't. You are. So speak up. Fight. And remember, we are here for you.

If you ever need someone to talk to, I am always available to listen. You can message me on here, or, if I know you, text me. Message me on Facebook. I am here for you. You don't have to do this alone. Much love to you and everyone who is struggling with this.

In His Name.

Speechless

God is good all the time! All the time, God is good!

Have you ever had one of those weeks? You know what I'm talking about. The weeks where it seems like nothing is going your way. You are bogged down with homework and papers and exams and responsibilities. You just want to lay down in your bed and sleep. You wish that you could have a full week off so that you can rest and get your life together. Yeah...I had one of those weeks.

It wasn't a full week either. Just three days of school. We just had our fall break at school and I went home for a few days to relax and get away from school. It was wonderful. Then I came back to Berry and everything hit me all at once on Tuesday night. I had so much work to do this week. Three days of classes and I had SO MUCH TO DO.

I was stressed and broken down to say the least. My soul was weak.

I tried to end my week on a good note. Fall has finally arrived and my friends and I were going to get cupcakes and then go to a pumpkin patch to get pumpkins to decorate. We did so and I had a great time. I laughed and joked and was able to spend precious time with two of my closest friends in the world.

But I still felt empty inside.

We went back to school, baked sugar cookies and painted pumpkins. We watched Halloween movies and talked about life. I will treasure those memories for the rest of my life.

My soul still wasn't full.

The next day (Saturday), I slept in, watched horror movies and worked on some new short stories. I was relaxed and was glad to have time to myself. I needed it. That night, I went with my friends to Berry's Fall Festival. There was food, music and games. We enjoyed every bit of it. We walked around the campus last night and just breathed in warm fall air.

Yet, I didn't feel fulfilled like I should.

Last night, I was out in my hall when I ran into my RA, Whitney. She and I had plans today to get coffee and talk. However, last night she asked me if I wanted to do lunch instead. Then asked if I would like to go to church with her. I agreed as I hadn't been to an off campus church all semester and felt like I needed to go.

So this morning, I woke up, got dressed and went with her to West Rome Baptist. And let me tell you, God is so so good. Gracious, He is good!

Today's sermon wasn't all that life changing. It was a simple sermon about the book of John in the Bible. However, the worship, oh, sweet joy, the worship is what broke me down.

You see, God is working in our lives all the time. No matter what is going on in our lives, God is there for us. He loves us unconditionally. He fills our very souls and hearts with His undying love.

These past few days, I just wasn't feeling it. I wanted things to be going my way and under my circumstances. Only, I forgot that this isn't my will for life. It has never been my will. It has always been God's.

God spoke to me this morning. Through worship and through the soul of my beautiful friend, Whitney. He continued to show me to let His will be done. Not my own. I came back to my room, speechless from the glory of God.

Guys, find yourself that friend who will build you up. The friend who encourages you in your walk with God. The friend who wants to sit and talk with you about missions in different countries, about Jesus and about life in general. I found one of those friends this year, and let me tell you, she has changed my life for the better.

There are times when I feel like I can't do it anymore. Times when Satan wants to draw me back to the dark abyss from my past. But I know that Jesus has a hold on me. He blesses me daily with wonderful friends and an encouraging family. I wouldn't want it any other way.

Death was arrested and my new life began.

In His Name.

Hosanna

Let me be the first to say that I do not always ask for help when needed. I like to do things on my own and anytime I have to ask for help, I feel weak. I feel utterly and embarrassingly weak. So, I don't ask for help. I keep my problems to myself and don't let anyone else have access to them. Not even God.

I spent years not allowing myself to be vulnerable. I refused to let other people deal with my "problems". I mean, I was even told this past spring by someone who I thought was very close to me that I wasn't worth their time or patience...that my "problems" and "issues" were too much. I took those words very close to heart and began to pull away even more. That someone soon disappeared from my life, but their words never did.

This past April, I entered in to a relationship with a guy I met through a dating site. (Crazy, right?) We hit it off pretty well and it wasn't long until we were dating and seeing each other almost every day throughout the summer.

I swore that with this relationship, I was going to be more upfront about the things I deal with on a daily basis. However, I still found myself holding back. I didn't my "issues" to become his burdens. I had this skewed view of relationships, whether they were friendly or romantic, and I didn't want to cause anyone any trouble.

My newfound relationship was way different than the one I had been in before and I found myself comparing the two at the beginning. I wondered for a week or two if I had rushed into things. But I knew in my heart, that I wasn't doing that and that this guy was in my life for a reason.

Even though I left my old, toxic relationship with my ex behind, I still refused to listen to any of the music we listened to together, refused to watch movies we had seen, didn't play the video games we used to play and didn't even want to step foot in the places we had been. I would tell my boyfriend to take me somewhere else, would change the radio station and would convince him to watch a different movie.

It took me a couple months to realize that this wasn't healthy. That my new relationship wouldn't thrive if I kept holding back. So, I began to open up a little more. I became more myself. I found myself being able to watch those movies and go to those places. The one thing I was still struggling with was "that song".

You know which song I'm talking about. Every relationship has one. That song that you both listen to all the time. Whether it be the first song you both heard together, or the first song you kissed/danced/sang along to. It's "your song". (My current boyfriend and I have one-- "H.O.L.Y" by Florida Georgia Line. We listen to it in the car all the time and always end up singing it to each other. It was a song that connected us.)

Well, at risk of sounding silly, my ex and I loved the "I Lava You" song from that Pixar short before Inside Out. You know, the one with the talking volcanoes? (Here's the link!) Well, after he and I broke up, any part of that song would kill me. I couldn't bear to listen to it. And I buried the memories deep deep inside of me.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. This song began to play on my phone and a friend told me to turn it up as she loved this song. Instead of doing as she asked, I quickly skipped the song as it still brought back bad memories. She questioned my motives and I dodged the question and burning look in her eyes and told her that I was just tired of hearing it all the time on my playlist. She dropped it.

Then today. I was sitting in the office at work and a co worker was playing throwback Disney songs as I studied. Soon he said my name and when I looked up, he told me that the next song was going to hit me in my feels. I was confused but smiled anyways. He skipped to that song. (He had no idea what that song meant to me.) I tensed up at first, but soon he was singing along to the song and I quickly joined in. The frozen smile on my face thawed and grew. I began to laugh as we sang to this silly Disney song and I realized that for the first time in a very long time, I felt free and at peace with my life.

I also realized that if I had just been honest in the first place and asked for help in getting over that ex and transitioning into a new relationship, things would've been much smoother sailing for me.

I've also realized in the past few months that I shouldn't be scared to ask for help. To be honest with you guys, I've started seeing a therapist. Berry offers free counseling services to students and my parents and I thought it would be very helpful to me and the people in my life if I began to talk to someone. And, to my utter disbelief, it did help.

The ability to talk to someone for a hour nonstop can be quite scary. At first, I didn't think I wanted to go. I didn't want to be weak and ask for help. But, I came to discover that talking to someone who isn't directly involved in your life can be very uplifting and liberating. All the burdens on my shoulders began to disappear and I haven't felt this light in years.

There are two songs I've been listening to for the past week nonstop. And they speak everything to me. The first is "It is Well With My Soul" (the Matt Redman version). This song is proclaims endless joy. Contrary to popular belief, these lyrics aren't shouting out that everything is okay. Because we all know it isn't. However, our God is still in control. Those words are saying that the old will is gone and the new will has come! It is a reminder that, while we don't understand the hurt we go through, we can always turn to a God that does understand and who will comfort us in all times.

The other song is "Hosanna" by Hillsong. This is such a favorite of mine. The word 'hosanna' means an expression of adoration or joy. This is how I've felt the past few months. The joy that I have in my life (after realizing that it's okay to ask for help sometimes) is the greatest it's ever been. This song speaks so much truth in my heart and I want to shout this song from the rooftops.

So, while I'm the first to tell you that I don't like to ask for help, I will also be the first to tell you that asking for help is the best thing you could ever do to help your physical, mental, AND spiritual health. It definitely did that for me. Even if you start out by asking God for help, it's a step in the right direction.

"Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, And He brought them out of their distresses. He caused the storm to be still, So that the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad because they were quiet, So He guided them to their desired haven." (Psalm 107:28-30)

"This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests which we have asked from Him." (1 John 5:14-15)

In His Name.

Happy to Be Alive: A Letter to Boys Who Deserve More

A little over a week ago, I wrote a letter to all young women. I wrote to them to let them know that they deserve better. I wrote a letter to them telling them not to settle. And now, I want to write a letter to all young men out there. I want to tell you guys something similar to what I told all young women out there.

Dear You,

I hope you know how important you are in this crazy world. I hope you realize that no matter what is going on in life, you deserve so much better than you think. You are so freaking significant. You are just as significant in this search for love as the girl sitting next to you right now. Like I've told all young women, you deserve to be treated beyond your expectations. You don't deserve to be looked over and you definitely don't deserve to be unnoticed. You deserve way more than to just be noticed. by anyone. You deserve to search for more in a partner. You know what? You deserve someone who will make you happy to just be alive. 

Guys, I want to be the first to tell you to date someone who makes you appreciate life. As humans in this messed up society, we throw away our check-lists. You know what I'm talking about. Those check-lists that you write when you are looking for a partner. The ones that say she should be "God-loving, smart, kind, humble, has a rad sense of humor, etc". We are throwing those lists away and are quickly replacing them with shallow standards. We only check off if they are good-looking. Maybe it's that they laugh at things with their whole heart, but those things may be far below our morals or intelligence. Maybe they really do love other people, but are struggling to love themselves. Maybe they are showing an optimistic outlook, but are more than likely looking in the mirror than out through the window. 

Yo, what happened to standards? Like I told the ladies a week ago, our society is more focused on the shallow, worldly things than on the big picture. We are settling for partners who seem to be good for us rather than those who are God-chosen. We need to stop focusing on the shallow aspects of dating and instead, focus on looking for a partner who gives up a positive outlook on life and ourselves. 

Guys, date someone who has traveled to far off places. Date someone who has stories and isn't afraid to share them. Date someone who has looked failure in the eye and who hasn't run away from it. Better yet, date someone who doesn't fear failure in her life. Date the person who would rather go on a weekend trip to the mountains (or the beach) than sit on the couch and not move for hours. Date someone who isn't afraid to get a little dirt under her nails. Better yet, date someone who isn't afraid to break a nail. Date that person who'd rather have a conversations with you than scroll through the latest Twitter or Facebook posts on her phone. Date that person who'd rather have a deep relationship with the Lord than someone who goes for the numbing effect of drugs or alcohol. Date someone who treats you like the wonderful, amazing human you are rather than someone who treats you as an object of sexual desire. 

Guys, date someone who you can be yourself around; someone who makes you comfortable with you. Date someone who does not make you feel guilty for being your wonderful self but instead, celebrates it whenever they get the chance. Date someone who wants you to grow and will allow you to do that very thing. Date someone who is confident in dancing alone, but would rather dance with you. Date someone who makes you laugh; who makes you laugh loudly and with gusto. Date that person who you'd love to go on multiple road trips with; someone you won't get bored with. Date someone who, when facing difficult times, runs towards people rather than running away. Date someone who takes your opinion into account as much as they do their own. Date the person who treats the people behind the counter the same way they would treat the CEO of the business. Date the person who gets it. Date the person who knows who they are. Date the person who would be able to take on life without you by their side every second. 

I've told girls this same thing: wait for the person who shows you that you are not the only one in the relationship. Wait for the one who makes you feel like you count. Wait for someone who makes you happy to be alive. Do not settle. Don't settle just because she looks good. Don't settle just because she makes you look good. Don't settle just because she makes all of your friends jealous. Don't settle just so that you can have someone to be with. When you were made in God's image, you were made so that you could be in relationships that were driven by love. Not lust. You are so loved by the Father that you deserve to have that perfect love to be reflected in a worldly relationship. 

If your mother (or even your father) and your friends tell you that they don't like her, then something is probably off in your relationship with her. The saying that "love is blind" is so, so true. We are often blinded when we are infatuated with someone. Take a look at your life. If you trusted your loved ones' opinions before this relationship, then you should trust their opinions now, too. If there is a person in your life who has the courage and guts to tell you that you deserve better than her, please listen to them. More often than not, they are right. Sweetie, you deserve to feel loved and cherished, not just slightly appreciated by someone. 

Guys, date that one who always says "thank you" when you open a car door for them. Date the one who doesn't just expect love, but in turn, gives it right back to you with as much vigor as you give her. Date the one who you'd be so freaking excited to dance with (no matter the music playing or not playing), to adopt a puppy with, to wake up on Christmas mornings with, to cry with, to sleep next to, to be with for the rest of your worldly life (not just someone to be with for the day, the month, the year). Date the one who doesn't make you fear the word "forever". Date the one you would marry. If you are currently dating someone whom you can't picture an eternity with, then you are completely missing out on the one you would. 

Wait for that girl who will stand up, look your parents in the eyes and shakes their hands. Wait for the girl who is more focused on fixing her heart than her hair. Wait for the girl who's concern is focused on her soul rather than her body. Wait for the girl who encourages your goals and dreams. Wait for the girl who humbles you. Wait for the one who compliments you well. Wait for the girl who doesn't just make your Facebook or Instagram look good, but who makes your heart feel good. Wait for the one who listens to you as much as she can hold a conversation with you. Wait for the one who treats you as important in her life. Wait for the girl who can make you think. Wait for the one who considers life an adventure. Wait for the one who has a really good hold on life. Wait for the one who makes you happy that you are alive. 

You know, wait for that girl who you'd be proud to be with; one that you would stand next to with a sign that read "This is her!". Wait for the one who refuses to collect expensive items and would rather collect deep friendships and stories. Wait for the one whom you would want your future daughter to be like. 

Do not limit yourself for only brunettes or for short girls. Do not limit yourself only for girls who play soccer or for those that are tan. Set limits for those who are good; for those who don't run away from life but would rather embrace it; for those who are not afraid to mow the lawn or can change a tire by herself. Set limits for those who show good manners; for the ones that do not fear laughing at themselves. Limit yourself to those who give you a constant love. Limit yourself to the girl who makes you happy to be alive. 

Guys, wait for the girl who chooses you; who chooses you over any other guy out there; who isn't at odds between you and another guy. Wait for the one who is seeking a lasting relationship with you, not someone who is just looking for a meaningless hook-up. 

Sweetheart, you are worth so much more than a hook-up. You are worth more than you will ever understand. 

Wait for the one who treats you like the superhero you are; not one who treats you like a sidekick. Wait for the one who doesn't fear loving you deeply and fully. Wait for the girl who treats you well and isn't afraid to show it. Wait for the one whom you'd want to introduce to your mother and your best friend at the exact same time. 

Guys, wait for the girl who makes you happy that you are alive. 

Love, 

A girl Who Knows That You Deserve More