Silent

My breath was taken away tonight. I got to witness and be a part of one of the most amazing nights of my life so far.

Tonight was "Silent Night" at the Berry College chapel. For those who don't know what "Silent Night" is, I will explain it in just a bit. 

A group known as Imprinted Blog set this all up and I honestly was a bit unsure of it at first. I mean, I'm a busy college student. I don't have time to go to a two hour event in the evening. Then, a friend texted me last week if I was going as she didn't want to go alone, and I told her that I was. So, tonight, I picked up my bible and my coffee mug and set off to the chapel with her to see what this night was going to hold for me.

And boy, was I pleasantly surprised. 

These people had set up a table with treats and free coffee. (I KNOW. I was too excited about free food and coffee.)

Anyway, there were also stations set up around the chapel. And the goal was to follow them around the chapel in a counter-clockwise fashion. So, armed with coffee and a clear mind, we set off on a journey of reflection. 

These stations were mesmerizing and so, so eye-opening. From handling balls of clay and focusing in on what it means to be moldable in the Potter's hands to writing letters to friends and family and those who need it. Every station was its own kind of revelation in myself and who I was in God. I was able to dig deep into the Word and focus on what He was telling me. I was able to hear Him in the silence. 

Out of all the stations, there was one that was my absolute favorite. We were asked to go into a room and focus on the names God gives us. Immediately, I thought back to my blog. Obviously, as you guys know, my blog is titled "Hello, My Name Is..." and every post is a different name I am given by God. I couldn't write all of those names down and they were all swirling in my head.

We were told that once we figure out a name, we should write it on the mirror in the room. Already, the mirror had names liked "lovely", "son", and "friend" on it. As soon as my eyes landed on the mirror, I knew what name God wanted me to write. And thus, I wrote "DIVINE". 

(Later on during the night, I would go on to write the phrase "broken but beloved" on a color swatch an stick it to another board.)

Divine means so many things to me and while I haven't written a blog post about it yet, I'm sure I will do so in the future. God calls me divine and I couldn't be happier.

I spent the last half hour in the chapel focusing on what God was saying to me. I was brought to my knees in the pews and poured out my heart to God. I released my burdens and placed my anxious heart into His hands. I opened my Bible to the cover page and saw another thing that I don't place much thought into. The cover page of my Bible is covered in verses of some of my favorite worship songs. I would write them down after hearing a song I particularly like. I don't think much about it until I looked at it tonight and the words "Come as you are" stared back at me. 

I once again broke down in tears. For so many weeks I would go to church as someone I'm not. I want to please a certain crowd. I dress the part and play the part of a good Christian. I bury my sins deep down and act like they never happened. Those words in my Bible reminded me that I don't need to hide myself from Christ. He knows my innermost thoughts. There's no hiding from him. 

God is so good to me when I don't deserve it. He speaks to me in the silence and all I need to do is shut up and listen. Tonight was one of those moments when I realized that and more. I think we all need a little silence in our lives. It allows us to truly hear God and to reflect on everything happening in our lives.

In His Name.

Patient

I am definitely one of those people that says "patience is a virtue". I believe that everything will happen in its own time and that God has a plan for everything.

However, I feel that, at this time in our nation, we need to be practicing patience more than anything. Things are a little crazy and I'm finding it hard be patient. With the election happening today and with graduation less than six months away (OMG), I find myself getting more and more stressed and wanting to get it all over and done with.

So, let's talk about what it means to be patient in our lives.

Patience is not a personality trait…

Despite our great wish that it could be so simple to excuse it’s absence in us. It does not come naturally or easily to any us. It is a character trait. It must be developed, honed, grown, tried, tested, proven. We are, naturally, selfish creatures, desiring our own way in our own timing always. Conscious effort must be made to flourish Patience. And how is Patience grown? In trials of course! Trials breed Patience, patience keeps us safe in trials. It is a cycle of growth, with each struggle we become equipped to handle the next. With each one growing in strength of character until we are who we were made to be.

It's not laziness or "passive waiting"...

And it's not a hardship, no matter what we all believe...

 Yes, patience will carry us through hardship, but do not get the idea that in accepting the task of learning Patience that you are subjecting yourself to a dismal existence. No! Patience is the very force that enables us to be able to live gloriously though all around you be broken. For Patience sees through the present gloom into the future brightness. Patience doesn’t just smile bravely as hell breaks loose around you. Patience smiles with a secret that it knows, though no one else can see it. Living in Patience is like living in the week before Christmas. The present is still a mystery, yet there is that package under the tree; bright, shiny, making you smile with anticipation whenever you think of it. You cannot open the present today, but you know that it is prepared for you. And so you are happy. THAT is Patience.

One of my favorite verses is in James. It says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" (James 1:2-4).

STORY TIME!

About two weeks ago, I received a call from my mother. It was like any normal call except for the very end. Apparently, we were having some financial aid issues and we lost some grant money that we were supposed to receive to help pay for my education at Berry. There was miscommunication through everyone and for a little bit, I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to finish my senior year.

I didn't want to be patient about any of it. I wanted things to figure themselves out and I didn't want to worry about any of it! I mean, isn't that what anybody would be wishing for??

So, I had to go meet with my financial advisor and figure things out and eventually had to write an appeal letter to Berry to try and get grants or loans to help me and my family out. It was stressful and I was on the edge of my seat for about a week.

Fast forward to today.

I was laying in bed and watching a movie, not really doing much of anything. I heard my phone ring, notifying me of an email from someone at Berry. I opened it and saw an email from financial aid and immediately my heart started pounding. I didn't want to open it. I just assumed that it would be bad news. However, I built up the courage and opened the email... And you know what?

My appeal was approved! That's right, Berry granted me more financial aid to help with my education and I will still be able to graduate on time next May!

After opening that email, I began to sob. Literally sob in my bed. I was so overwhelmed with everything that I just broke down.

Guys...God is so so good. I felt so stupid for being stressed out about this thing in life. I really should've trusted God with the weight of those burdens. Yet, I took it all upon myself to carry those weights.

You see, that story can apply to the rest of life. Especially with this election going on right now.

We need to stop stressing and worrying about everything. Yes, this election is crazy and yes, there are awful things going on in this country. But, we need to cast all those burdens on the Lord.

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)

"Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken." (Psalm 55:22)

We need to come together and be patient. We should not fear anything that happens on this world. For we have a heavenly world waiting for us. The bible clearly says "do not fear" 365 times. That is enough for every day of the year. 

So, let us not fear the future. Let us not worry about whatever will happen with this election. Let's cast all our anxieties upon the Lord and trust that He has the perfect plan for us. 

And remember, Christ is King. He will not forsake us. 

In His Name.

Anxious

When I woke up this morning, that feeling was back. That looming feeling of dread.

It was 8am and my heart was racing. Not the racing you get when you're talking to your crush. No. It was an entire-body type of rhythm that caused my entire body to shake. For just a millisecond, it feels like excitement. It feels like something good is going to happen any minute now. Then...the feeling changes. The awful swarm of bees (it's not butterflies when it's not a good feeling) start in my stomach; I feel my face heat from the neck up; my head starts pounding and I feel slightly nauseous; I want to welcome the blanket of darkness that is beginning to cover me. I can't catch my breath. I begin sweating for unknown reasons. I feel like I can't get control of my own body.

Years ago, I wouldn't have had any clue what was going on. I would've thought I was absolutely crazy. I would've thought that the feelings had something to do with the amount of coffee I drank the night before. I would've never guessed that I was having an anxiety attack.

Anxiety is hard to explain to people that don't know what it is or what its symptoms look like. It's hard to explain when all you're told is "Calm down. It'll be okay."

No. It won't.

Anxiety isn't something that you can magically make disappear. It is something that people live with and is quite hard to explain when even you have no idea what is going on inside your mind.

I thought for a while (throughout my college career) that I was just depressed and that there has just a black hole in my mind. Now, after speaking with a counselor about my issues and life, I found that I'm not necessarily depressed, but anxious. And while I don't have prescribed medicine for my anxiety, I do have things that I do on a daily basis to fight the monster that is anxiety.

Anxiety looks like a normal day. It is good and yet, it is bad. It tells me that it's okay to stay in bed and sleep all day...I need the rest. It tells me that I shouldn't go out at night so I can get to class in the morning and then turns around and tells me that I am such a loser for staying in my room by myself and then says there isn't a point in going to class.

Anxiety suffocates me. It tells me I am worthless. It tells me that nobody cares about me and yet anxiety is my best friend because it tricks me.

Anxiety tells me to make a list of things to do for the day and then tells me to throw it out because there is simply too much to do. It tells me to take my time and then chastises me for making myself late. It tells me that it's too much to walk to get dinner from the dining hall. It tells me that there are people there that I don't want to see.

Anxiety soothes me and tells me that I am blessed to have found a major that I love and that I am rare and lucky to have not changed majors at all. Then it tells me that animal science isn't a real career without vet school and that I will never find a job I truly love.

It tells me not to make a scene by throwing away trash during class. It tells me that I shouldn't go to the bathroom during a meeting because everyone will stare at me. It tells me not to answer that phone call and to let the voicemail pick it up. Then, tells me that I shouldn't listen to the voicemail because it's probably just bad news.

It is going to the store and not being able to choose what you really want. It is making you feel like you have to buy everything there and then berates you for spending money. It is going to the self-checkout line so you won't have to converse with anybody.

Anxiety makes me feel overwhelmed about stopping for gas when the light comes on. It makes me want to do new things to my hair and makeup, but then tells me there is no use because it won't change me.

Anxiety is making plans with friends and then canceling because you don't want to go out.

It is a fake smile. It is sweaty palms and a dizzy head. It is a furrowed brow and a rapidly beating heart. It is lonely. It is evil. It is a shadow of darkness covering me when I am alone. It even covers me when I am with a group of people.

Anxiety is misunderstood.

But, let me tell you something. It is not always in control. Yes, it is envious and doesn't want to share me with anyone else. But, I know people are struggling, just like me, and so I share myself anyways.

I'm here to tell you that you are not alone in this. Should I repeat that?

YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE.

You don't have to fight this alone. There are people all around who are struggling with this. I only found out this year that people who are close to me are struggling with this as much as I am.

The minute I realized I was having an attack this morning, I texted a close friend and made plans for dinner. They are a person who won't judge me for anything and someone that I know I can open up to no matter what. I also told my boyfriend how I was feeling and he sent comforting and encouraging words to me. He helped calm my heart and gave me the strength to get up and get ready for the day. I even called to make an appointment with my counselor. I knew that I needed to talk through my feelings and a therapist is a great way to do that. So, find people like that--people who will always be there for you no matter what. Trust me, it makes a huge difference in your life.

Anxiety isn't something to take lightly. It is serious and it is out there. People with anxiety don't want to share their experience. That's a part of being constantly anxious. But, anxiety is not always in control. It isn't. You are. So speak up. Fight. And remember, we are here for you.

If you ever need someone to talk to, I am always available to listen. You can message me on here, or, if I know you, text me. Message me on Facebook. I am here for you. You don't have to do this alone. Much love to you and everyone who is struggling with this.

In His Name.

Speechless

God is good all the time! All the time, God is good!

Have you ever had one of those weeks? You know what I'm talking about. The weeks where it seems like nothing is going your way. You are bogged down with homework and papers and exams and responsibilities. You just want to lay down in your bed and sleep. You wish that you could have a full week off so that you can rest and get your life together. Yeah...I had one of those weeks.

It wasn't a full week either. Just three days of school. We just had our fall break at school and I went home for a few days to relax and get away from school. It was wonderful. Then I came back to Berry and everything hit me all at once on Tuesday night. I had so much work to do this week. Three days of classes and I had SO MUCH TO DO.

I was stressed and broken down to say the least. My soul was weak.

I tried to end my week on a good note. Fall has finally arrived and my friends and I were going to get cupcakes and then go to a pumpkin patch to get pumpkins to decorate. We did so and I had a great time. I laughed and joked and was able to spend precious time with two of my closest friends in the world.

But I still felt empty inside.

We went back to school, baked sugar cookies and painted pumpkins. We watched Halloween movies and talked about life. I will treasure those memories for the rest of my life.

My soul still wasn't full.

The next day (Saturday), I slept in, watched horror movies and worked on some new short stories. I was relaxed and was glad to have time to myself. I needed it. That night, I went with my friends to Berry's Fall Festival. There was food, music and games. We enjoyed every bit of it. We walked around the campus last night and just breathed in warm fall air.

Yet, I didn't feel fulfilled like I should.

Last night, I was out in my hall when I ran into my RA, Whitney. She and I had plans today to get coffee and talk. However, last night she asked me if I wanted to do lunch instead. Then asked if I would like to go to church with her. I agreed as I hadn't been to an off campus church all semester and felt like I needed to go.

So this morning, I woke up, got dressed and went with her to West Rome Baptist. And let me tell you, God is so so good. Gracious, He is good!

Today's sermon wasn't all that life changing. It was a simple sermon about the book of John in the Bible. However, the worship, oh, sweet joy, the worship is what broke me down.

You see, God is working in our lives all the time. No matter what is going on in our lives, God is there for us. He loves us unconditionally. He fills our very souls and hearts with His undying love.

These past few days, I just wasn't feeling it. I wanted things to be going my way and under my circumstances. Only, I forgot that this isn't my will for life. It has never been my will. It has always been God's.

God spoke to me this morning. Through worship and through the soul of my beautiful friend, Whitney. He continued to show me to let His will be done. Not my own. I came back to my room, speechless from the glory of God.

Guys, find yourself that friend who will build you up. The friend who encourages you in your walk with God. The friend who wants to sit and talk with you about missions in different countries, about Jesus and about life in general. I found one of those friends this year, and let me tell you, she has changed my life for the better.

There are times when I feel like I can't do it anymore. Times when Satan wants to draw me back to the dark abyss from my past. But I know that Jesus has a hold on me. He blesses me daily with wonderful friends and an encouraging family. I wouldn't want it any other way.

Death was arrested and my new life began.

In His Name.

Hosanna

Let me be the first to say that I do not always ask for help when needed. I like to do things on my own and anytime I have to ask for help, I feel weak. I feel utterly and embarrassingly weak. So, I don't ask for help. I keep my problems to myself and don't let anyone else have access to them. Not even God.

I spent years not allowing myself to be vulnerable. I refused to let other people deal with my "problems". I mean, I was even told this past spring by someone who I thought was very close to me that I wasn't worth their time or patience...that my "problems" and "issues" were too much. I took those words very close to heart and began to pull away even more. That someone soon disappeared from my life, but their words never did.

This past April, I entered in to a relationship with a guy I met through a dating site. (Crazy, right?) We hit it off pretty well and it wasn't long until we were dating and seeing each other almost every day throughout the summer.

I swore that with this relationship, I was going to be more upfront about the things I deal with on a daily basis. However, I still found myself holding back. I didn't my "issues" to become his burdens. I had this skewed view of relationships, whether they were friendly or romantic, and I didn't want to cause anyone any trouble.

My newfound relationship was way different than the one I had been in before and I found myself comparing the two at the beginning. I wondered for a week or two if I had rushed into things. But I knew in my heart, that I wasn't doing that and that this guy was in my life for a reason.

Even though I left my old, toxic relationship with my ex behind, I still refused to listen to any of the music we listened to together, refused to watch movies we had seen, didn't play the video games we used to play and didn't even want to step foot in the places we had been. I would tell my boyfriend to take me somewhere else, would change the radio station and would convince him to watch a different movie.

It took me a couple months to realize that this wasn't healthy. That my new relationship wouldn't thrive if I kept holding back. So, I began to open up a little more. I became more myself. I found myself being able to watch those movies and go to those places. The one thing I was still struggling with was "that song".

You know which song I'm talking about. Every relationship has one. That song that you both listen to all the time. Whether it be the first song you both heard together, or the first song you kissed/danced/sang along to. It's "your song". (My current boyfriend and I have one-- "H.O.L.Y" by Florida Georgia Line. We listen to it in the car all the time and always end up singing it to each other. It was a song that connected us.)

Well, at risk of sounding silly, my ex and I loved the "I Lava You" song from that Pixar short before Inside Out. You know, the one with the talking volcanoes? (Here's the link!) Well, after he and I broke up, any part of that song would kill me. I couldn't bear to listen to it. And I buried the memories deep deep inside of me.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. This song began to play on my phone and a friend told me to turn it up as she loved this song. Instead of doing as she asked, I quickly skipped the song as it still brought back bad memories. She questioned my motives and I dodged the question and burning look in her eyes and told her that I was just tired of hearing it all the time on my playlist. She dropped it.

Then today. I was sitting in the office at work and a co worker was playing throwback Disney songs as I studied. Soon he said my name and when I looked up, he told me that the next song was going to hit me in my feels. I was confused but smiled anyways. He skipped to that song. (He had no idea what that song meant to me.) I tensed up at first, but soon he was singing along to the song and I quickly joined in. The frozen smile on my face thawed and grew. I began to laugh as we sang to this silly Disney song and I realized that for the first time in a very long time, I felt free and at peace with my life.

I also realized that if I had just been honest in the first place and asked for help in getting over that ex and transitioning into a new relationship, things would've been much smoother sailing for me.

I've also realized in the past few months that I shouldn't be scared to ask for help. To be honest with you guys, I've started seeing a therapist. Berry offers free counseling services to students and my parents and I thought it would be very helpful to me and the people in my life if I began to talk to someone. And, to my utter disbelief, it did help.

The ability to talk to someone for a hour nonstop can be quite scary. At first, I didn't think I wanted to go. I didn't want to be weak and ask for help. But, I came to discover that talking to someone who isn't directly involved in your life can be very uplifting and liberating. All the burdens on my shoulders began to disappear and I haven't felt this light in years.

There are two songs I've been listening to for the past week nonstop. And they speak everything to me. The first is "It is Well With My Soul" (the Matt Redman version). This song is proclaims endless joy. Contrary to popular belief, these lyrics aren't shouting out that everything is okay. Because we all know it isn't. However, our God is still in control. Those words are saying that the old will is gone and the new will has come! It is a reminder that, while we don't understand the hurt we go through, we can always turn to a God that does understand and who will comfort us in all times.

The other song is "Hosanna" by Hillsong. This is such a favorite of mine. The word 'hosanna' means an expression of adoration or joy. This is how I've felt the past few months. The joy that I have in my life (after realizing that it's okay to ask for help sometimes) is the greatest it's ever been. This song speaks so much truth in my heart and I want to shout this song from the rooftops.

So, while I'm the first to tell you that I don't like to ask for help, I will also be the first to tell you that asking for help is the best thing you could ever do to help your physical, mental, AND spiritual health. It definitely did that for me. Even if you start out by asking God for help, it's a step in the right direction.

"Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, And He brought them out of their distresses. He caused the storm to be still, So that the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad because they were quiet, So He guided them to their desired haven." (Psalm 107:28-30)

"This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests which we have asked from Him." (1 John 5:14-15)

In His Name.

Happy to Be Alive: A Letter to Boys Who Deserve More

A little over a week ago, I wrote a letter to all young women. I wrote to them to let them know that they deserve better. I wrote a letter to them telling them not to settle. And now, I want to write a letter to all young men out there. I want to tell you guys something similar to what I told all young women out there.

Dear You,

I hope you know how important you are in this crazy world. I hope you realize that no matter what is going on in life, you deserve so much better than you think. You are so freaking significant. You are just as significant in this search for love as the girl sitting next to you right now. Like I've told all young women, you deserve to be treated beyond your expectations. You don't deserve to be looked over and you definitely don't deserve to be unnoticed. You deserve way more than to just be noticed. by anyone. You deserve to search for more in a partner. You know what? You deserve someone who will make you happy to just be alive. 

Guys, I want to be the first to tell you to date someone who makes you appreciate life. As humans in this messed up society, we throw away our check-lists. You know what I'm talking about. Those check-lists that you write when you are looking for a partner. The ones that say she should be "God-loving, smart, kind, humble, has a rad sense of humor, etc". We are throwing those lists away and are quickly replacing them with shallow standards. We only check off if they are good-looking. Maybe it's that they laugh at things with their whole heart, but those things may be far below our morals or intelligence. Maybe they really do love other people, but are struggling to love themselves. Maybe they are showing an optimistic outlook, but are more than likely looking in the mirror than out through the window. 

Yo, what happened to standards? Like I told the ladies a week ago, our society is more focused on the shallow, worldly things than on the big picture. We are settling for partners who seem to be good for us rather than those who are God-chosen. We need to stop focusing on the shallow aspects of dating and instead, focus on looking for a partner who gives up a positive outlook on life and ourselves. 

Guys, date someone who has traveled to far off places. Date someone who has stories and isn't afraid to share them. Date someone who has looked failure in the eye and who hasn't run away from it. Better yet, date someone who doesn't fear failure in her life. Date the person who would rather go on a weekend trip to the mountains (or the beach) than sit on the couch and not move for hours. Date someone who isn't afraid to get a little dirt under her nails. Better yet, date someone who isn't afraid to break a nail. Date that person who'd rather have a conversations with you than scroll through the latest Twitter or Facebook posts on her phone. Date that person who'd rather have a deep relationship with the Lord than someone who goes for the numbing effect of drugs or alcohol. Date someone who treats you like the wonderful, amazing human you are rather than someone who treats you as an object of sexual desire. 

Guys, date someone who you can be yourself around; someone who makes you comfortable with you. Date someone who does not make you feel guilty for being your wonderful self but instead, celebrates it whenever they get the chance. Date someone who wants you to grow and will allow you to do that very thing. Date someone who is confident in dancing alone, but would rather dance with you. Date someone who makes you laugh; who makes you laugh loudly and with gusto. Date that person who you'd love to go on multiple road trips with; someone you won't get bored with. Date someone who, when facing difficult times, runs towards people rather than running away. Date someone who takes your opinion into account as much as they do their own. Date the person who treats the people behind the counter the same way they would treat the CEO of the business. Date the person who gets it. Date the person who knows who they are. Date the person who would be able to take on life without you by their side every second. 

I've told girls this same thing: wait for the person who shows you that you are not the only one in the relationship. Wait for the one who makes you feel like you count. Wait for someone who makes you happy to be alive. Do not settle. Don't settle just because she looks good. Don't settle just because she makes you look good. Don't settle just because she makes all of your friends jealous. Don't settle just so that you can have someone to be with. When you were made in God's image, you were made so that you could be in relationships that were driven by love. Not lust. You are so loved by the Father that you deserve to have that perfect love to be reflected in a worldly relationship. 

If your mother (or even your father) and your friends tell you that they don't like her, then something is probably off in your relationship with her. The saying that "love is blind" is so, so true. We are often blinded when we are infatuated with someone. Take a look at your life. If you trusted your loved ones' opinions before this relationship, then you should trust their opinions now, too. If there is a person in your life who has the courage and guts to tell you that you deserve better than her, please listen to them. More often than not, they are right. Sweetie, you deserve to feel loved and cherished, not just slightly appreciated by someone. 

Guys, date that one who always says "thank you" when you open a car door for them. Date the one who doesn't just expect love, but in turn, gives it right back to you with as much vigor as you give her. Date the one who you'd be so freaking excited to dance with (no matter the music playing or not playing), to adopt a puppy with, to wake up on Christmas mornings with, to cry with, to sleep next to, to be with for the rest of your worldly life (not just someone to be with for the day, the month, the year). Date the one who doesn't make you fear the word "forever". Date the one you would marry. If you are currently dating someone whom you can't picture an eternity with, then you are completely missing out on the one you would. 

Wait for that girl who will stand up, look your parents in the eyes and shakes their hands. Wait for the girl who is more focused on fixing her heart than her hair. Wait for the girl who's concern is focused on her soul rather than her body. Wait for the girl who encourages your goals and dreams. Wait for the girl who humbles you. Wait for the one who compliments you well. Wait for the girl who doesn't just make your Facebook or Instagram look good, but who makes your heart feel good. Wait for the one who listens to you as much as she can hold a conversation with you. Wait for the one who treats you as important in her life. Wait for the girl who can make you think. Wait for the one who considers life an adventure. Wait for the one who has a really good hold on life. Wait for the one who makes you happy that you are alive. 

You know, wait for that girl who you'd be proud to be with; one that you would stand next to with a sign that read "This is her!". Wait for the one who refuses to collect expensive items and would rather collect deep friendships and stories. Wait for the one whom you would want your future daughter to be like. 

Do not limit yourself for only brunettes or for short girls. Do not limit yourself only for girls who play soccer or for those that are tan. Set limits for those who are good; for those who don't run away from life but would rather embrace it; for those who are not afraid to mow the lawn or can change a tire by herself. Set limits for those who show good manners; for the ones that do not fear laughing at themselves. Limit yourself to those who give you a constant love. Limit yourself to the girl who makes you happy to be alive. 

Guys, wait for the girl who chooses you; who chooses you over any other guy out there; who isn't at odds between you and another guy. Wait for the one who is seeking a lasting relationship with you, not someone who is just looking for a meaningless hook-up. 

Sweetheart, you are worth so much more than a hook-up. You are worth more than you will ever understand. 

Wait for the one who treats you like the superhero you are; not one who treats you like a sidekick. Wait for the one who doesn't fear loving you deeply and fully. Wait for the girl who treats you well and isn't afraid to show it. Wait for the one whom you'd want to introduce to your mother and your best friend at the exact same time. 

Guys, wait for the girl who makes you happy that you are alive. 

Love, 

A girl Who Knows That You Deserve More

Don't Settle: An Open Letter to Girls Who Deserve Better

Dear You,

I’ve heard that you’re struggling. With a lot. Boys, friendships, family, and just plain old life. I’ve heard that there are days when you just want to give up on everything. Days when you lay in bed and wonder if it’s worth getting up for the day. Days when everything just seems to go wrong. 

Trust me, sweet girl, I’ve been there. I really have. 

This letter is for all the girls out there who feel like they aren’t worthy of love. It’s for the girls who are in love, yet doubt anyways. It’s for the ones who are broken-hearted. It’s for those girls who are still wishing for their Prince Charming. It’s for the hopeless romantics. It’s for the hopeful romantics. It’s even for those who are happy. And, sweetheart? This letter…it’s specifically for you.

Let’s be honest here, girls. We love to fall in love. We want to be desired by someone else. And I’m not just talking about girls here. And I’m also not just talking about women. I am talking about the human population as a whole. We love to love. And even more, we love to be loved. But you know what our problem is? We are settling. That’s right, we, girls, are settling. We are settling for that guy who hold doors behind them rather than in front of them. We are settling for “surface relationships” when we should be looking for deeper moments and deeper conversations. We are settling for “talking” to a guy when we should have a “let’s do something about this” kind of mindset. We are settling for having a “thing” when we should have a “I’ll be on my way” mindset. We are texting. We are snapchatting. We are stalking Instagram posts. How about we not settle for social media flirting? If a guy really likes you (and I mean, really likes you), he will like the real you more than the social media you. We, as humans on this world, are settling for that 21st century relationship when what we really should be searching for in an everlasting love. 

Baby girl, love is a two way street. Treat others as you want to be treated. We should be treated by guys how we have desired to be treated for the longest time and we should also be willing to return this treatment back to them. You can’t go around expecting a breathtaking love story if he in the only contributor to it. And he shouldn’t expect that either if you are the only one writing in that story. Don’t believe the lies that the world and Satan tries to tell you. Don’t believe them when they tell you how unrealistic a Christ-like man is. Just because you crave a more meaningful relationship than most of the world, doesn’t mean that you are living in a fantasy. Don’t believe those awful lies. See, the thing is, you just have higher standards. And that’s okay. One day, you will see those high standards turn into a high-valued relationship. 

Here’s another painful truth: relationships end. They end, darling. And there isn’t a thing we can do to change that. You can’t be looking towards a full life while also hoping for no heartbreak. Without heartbreak, there can be no lessons learned for us. Relationships end; you cry; you hurt; you move forwards. Relationships end because God did not have them in His will for you. Maybe your sense of humor doesn’t match their’s. Not your fault. Maybe you’re too extroverted. Not your fault. When you settle in a relationship, you are saying that you are too scared that no one else will love you like they do. You are staying out of fear. When you settle, your emptiness and your absence of fulfillment isn’t his problem. It’s yours. Yes, I’m going to be blunt about that: it’s yours. We can blame others. We can totally blame it on their mistakes and their lack of love. But when you settle—oh, when you settle—you are only hurting yourself that much more. 

Let me tell you…you do not deserve a 21st century relationship. I’m going to repeat it. You. Do not. Deserve a 21st century relationship. You don’t deserve those “read receipts” or those “likes” on Twitter or Instagram. You know what you deserve? You deserve a love-centered relationship—one centered on something greater than both of you combined! You don’t deserve to be cheated on. Under any circumstances. Ever. You deserve a guy who would never think of leaving you. I’m serious. You deserve to be appreciated and loved for who you are; not judged by your compassion, intelligence, or beauty. You do not deserve to feel like the only one in the relationship. You deserve to feel like there is someone else putting in the effort. Putting in 100% on the other side. You definitely do not deserve a car honk or a text saying “here”. You deserve a doorbell ring. You do not deserve to be treated “less than” anything. You deserve to be treated like the most important person in the world. No matter what. 

Sweetie, there will be someone who will do what he won’t. If he isn’t kind to waiters at a restaurant, there is someone who is. If he doesn’t shake hands and make good eye contact with your parents, there will be someone who does. It he doesn’t bother to pull the chair out for you, someone else will make sure to do it. If he is someone who cancels on you quite often, there will be someone who will always show up ten minutes early. If he doesn’t walk you to the door because it’s too old-fashioned, there will be someone who believes the opposite. If he doesn’t remember those small details (like the way you take you coffee or your favorite Skittle flavor), just know that there will be a guy in whom you’ll be so surprised because they know so much about you. If this guy doesn’t go out of his way for you, just know that there is someone else who will make it his priority to go out of his way just for you.

Here’s my advice to you: If you wouldn’t marry them, don’t date them. If you look at him and you wouldn’t want to wake up to their…personality, every day, of every week, for the rest of your life, please don’t waste your time now. If you look at him and wouldn’t want your future kids to be just like him, don’t waste your time now. Darling, just wait. Wait for someone that you would never associate the word “settle” with. Wait. Wait instead of settling for the wrong guy. Wait, because out there, there is someone who will look at you in a way that you never knew was possible. Wait, because there is bound to be something greater, a relationship between true loves, and not those “love to be loved” type of people. Wait, because there is someone out there who would never (NEVER) allow you to settle. Wait. Because if he won’t, then you can be sure that someone else will. 

Love,    

Someone who has been in your shoes

Happy

Hey guys! With Easter right around the corner (TOMORROW!!), I wanted to write a quick blog post about something I've been focusing on quite recently in my life.

As humans living in this world, we tend to get caught up in the negatives of our lives. We dwell on them and let them drown out everything else in our lives. Personally, my last few weeks have been filled with getting over a harsh break-up, stressing over tests and school work, wondering about the future (aka--senior year at college) and much much more. I was letting these events in my life overtake the happy things.

This past week, however, I took time to write out the things that make me happy. It's so easy to pick out things that make me unhappy, but until we truly think hard about it, those things overwhelm us. Trust me, there are a lot more things in life to be happy and to laugh about. So many more than we actually realize! Like I've said before, it's the little things in life that make us most happy.

So, here is a list of 50 things that make me happy. (What are yours?)

1. A warm cup of coffee in the morning
2. Freshly dried laundry
3. A warm, sunshiny day
4. The first blooms of Spring
5. Laughing to the point that your abs ache
6. Bible journaling
7. A long talk with an old friend
8. The smell of coffee shops (I love coffee--sue me)
9. The smell of an old book
10. Dates with my siblings
11. Baking cookies in the middle of the night
12. Sales at clothing stores
13. Shopping at thrift stores
14. Pancakes
15. Hammocking in a park
16. Running around with bare feet
17. Freshly mowed grass
18. Thunderstorms
19. Afternoon naps
20. Having butterflies in my stomach
21. Long, hot showers
22. Reading my Bible
23. Going to church on Sunday mornings
24. Cooking
25. And baking!
26. Sunrises
27. Sunsets
28. Driving with the top down in my car
29. Singing along to the radio
30. Dance parties
31. Looking at old photographs
32. Waking up in the middle of the night and realizing you can go back to sleep
33. Finding a verse that fits perfectly with your current situation
34. Worship music
35. Random acts of kindness
36. Surviving another school year
37. Heart to hearts with parents/grandparents
38. Long hugs
39. Forehead kisses
40. Realizing how blessed this life is
41. Knowing that God has a hold on me
42. Dressing up and going out
43. Feeling pretty
44. Wearing lipstick
45. The mornings that you can lay in the bed for hours
46. Finishing a good book
47. Netflix marathons
48. Working out
49. Feeling confident
50. Painting

So yeah, those are my top 50. I could write so many more. But, I'll spare you from reading all of that. Basically, whatever you are going through...whether it be a bad break-up (which is my case), an awful school year/semester, etc...take the time to write out what makes you happy. And by the time you get into it, you'll find yourself smiling more and more. 

Don't be afraid to be happy again if you're going through a rough patch. God wants us to be happy and wants us to realize that He has better things in store for us. All it takes is time. 

I like to go back to this verse whenever I'm struggling. I hope it encourages you as well:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." (James 1:2-3)

In His name. 

Recovering

I told you guys I'd be back with an update. ;)

I know it's only been about a week, but I have something to share with you all. Something that's really important for everyone to understand and to know.

On Tuesday, I was able to make it through the day without having a legit emotional breakdown. I smiled, laughed, and ultimately forgot about things that happened only a few days ago. It felt good. And I know that I'll still have hard days. Break ups are hard. They aren't meant to be easy. God didn't design us for this type of misery in our lives--He created dating and marriage for our happiness. But, I am prepared for this. I know that tough days are coming, but I also know that good days are coming and even greater days will be here soon.

So, what I wanted to share with you guys tonight is a list. A list of the fourteen things you should do/think about/participate in after a break up. This list is one that I wrote down on a sheet of paper last night and placed in my planner to see every day for the next few weeks. And honestly, some of these things can help out with life in general as well.

So, here we go: "Kaitlyn's Fourteen Lessons To Help Get You Through a Break-Up"


1. Take deep breaths

Just breathe. I know it hurts. I know that it feels like your chest in being compressed so tightly that it feels like you're drowning. But trust me, and take in deep breaths and let them out. Do it as slow as you can bear it. Count to five for each in and out breath. It'll help relax your body. It begins the process of healing. 

2. Release tensions/energy

Go running. Take a kick boxing class. Go to a shooting range. Do something to let all that anger and hurt and confusion out. It will allow you to think more clearly and you will be able to breathe a bit more easily. Letting out anger will show you that you really aren't angry--you're just hurt and don't know what to do about it. Personally, I have started running again. When I'm upset and "angry" I take it out on the treadmill and the track and sometimes I even beat a personal record. 

3. Start a new hobby or restart an old one

Learn a new language. Start painting or drawing. Take a photography class. Start writing poetry or fiction or even non fiction. Do something that will occupy your time. This way, you won't be dwelling on the break up all day. Look for something that you love to do and that will help you forget and move on. 

I went back to painting and to journaling in my Bible. They relieve a lot of stress from my shoulders and I definitely feel much happier when doing them. 

4. Pray

This is SO important. If you ever find yourself unable to cope with life/reality or if you find yourself curled up, sobbing and unable to breathe correctly, cast everything to God. He has His hands open to you, waiting for you to make that choice. Tell him your fears, your doubts, your anger, your confusion, your hopes, everything.

5. Love yourself

This is also VERY important. You cannot blame yourself. You can't beat yourself up and you cannot start believing that you aren't worthy of love. Because you are worthy. You are so worthy. Darling, it is unbelievable how worthy you are.

Tell yourself how worthy you are every morning while getting ready. Look at yourself in the mirror and say "You are a beautiful and strong human and you are worthy of love".

6. Let Go

This one will be hard. So freaking hard. Especially if you are currently getting out of a long-term relationship. You'll want to hang on to every memory, every trinket, every picture. And you are allowed to do that...for a short period of time. But eventually, you'll have to start letting go. You'll have to throw out those pictures and maybe even some trinkets and memories. Only when you start letting go and stop holding on, will you be able to start moving on with your life. 

With this, you have to learn to forgive and love your ex. (Love them as your brother/sister in Christ.) Another hard one. I've told you, I love to hold grudges. It makes me feel in control of the situation. But, holding on to grudges is not healthy for getting over a break up. We need to learn forgiveness. How can we stay angry at someone God loves? It's almost impossible. God has already forgiven them, now it's just your term. You don't have to do it right away, but eventually, you will need to do it. 

7. Don't move on too quickly

One of the worst mistakes someone can make right after a break up is moving on to somebody else without letting their self fully heal. With this new age of online dating and social media, it's very very easy to find that rebound (trust me, I know all too well). Affection is addicting. This, I know all too well, too. We love the idea of dates, flowers, attention, holding hands, kissing, letter/notes, etc. So, with this addiction, we find it easy to want to move on right away. However, if we truly care about God, witnesses, our ex (go back to the previous lesson on forgiving and loving and letting go) and eventually, our future significant other, we should wait and pray. God will provide the right guy at the right time. We just have to trust in Him and His plan for us. 

8. Spend a lot of time outside

Get some fresh air. It clears your head and gives you time to think and process things. Trust me. It works. So well.

9. Surround yourself with others who love you

Don't always hole up in your room by yourself. You need others with you. You need support through this tough time. Let others love on you. If your friend wants to bring you a donut and coffee, let them. If they just want to sit in your room with you while you cry and get angry, let them. Don't shut others out. Let those who love you, be there for you. Lean on them. (But not too much so that you're unable to get by without them. You will need to be able to walk by yourself again at some point.)

10. Allow yourself to feel (cry, get angry, etc)

Cry. Please, please, just cry. Sob. Do whatever. Don't hold it in. It's a normal human emotion. You are allowed to spend a few days or a week just riding that emotional roller coaster. Cry; get angry; be hurt; be confused. But after those few days, focus on your happiness. Don't dwell on those negative emotions. Those are just signs of Satan trying to drag you down. Don't let Satan win. Choose joy. 

And if you aren't hurting after a break-up, maybe you should. As humans, we don't go in and out of romances such as this without causing some pain for ourselves. Now, that's not to say that you should be devastated after every break-up, but there should most likely be a sense that the break up wasn't right or that it's not how everything is supposed to go in life. Our hearts were not meant to be borrowed and sometimes, God needs to show us the devastation of failed relationships to show the negative suggestions about Him and the church. 

11. Do not over analyze everything.

Please, please, PLEASE. Do not do this! It is detrimental to your overall mental health. Don't sit in your bed and go over every detail of your relationship wondering how it got to this point and wondering what went wrong. It won't do you any good and it will make you miserable. You can think about it, yes, but don't over-analyze. 

12. Stay off social media/your phone/etc.

--Delete them off Facebook. Unfollow them on Twitter and Instagram. You need time to heal. And seeing their name on every social media site you get on won’t help that healing process. And if you do get online, don’t “stalk” them. It’ll only make the hurt worse. 

--Don’t text them. Delete their old messages. Don’t call them just so you can hear their voice one last time. You need to move forward. Resist the urge and temptation to contact them. You need time. They need time. Later on, you can text them or re-friend them, if you know that you are completely over them, but only then. Never before.

13. Take it one day at a time

Honestly, this is really all you can do. Days will turn into weeks which will turn into months which will turn into years. Time will move on. You will love again. You just have to take it a day at a time. Take it step by step. Don't rush into anything and don't try to take life too fast. You won't heal in one day. You need time. Healing takes time. 

14. Trust God

I know you're probably struggling with this right now. You're probably wondering why God is doing this to you. I mean, you thought that this guy or girl was it for you. He/She was the love of your life. Why did this break up happen?!

The thing is that God knows your needs. And He is never too slow to provide that for you. He will end up revealing things to you about those things you thought needed. He even may reveal to you that it is Him you need more than anything else. He loves you. He knows what's best for you. And for whatever reason--this relationship was not what was best for you anymore. It was probably good for you at a time, but it's time to move on and God is telling you exactly that. 

God has everything in control. Again, He knows what is best for you. God will never close a door without having another one open for you. You just have to lean on Him and trust Him with your whole heart. Continue to praise Him even while making your way from one door to the next. He has bigger things planned for you. He will see you through this. Just you wait.

Healing

Wow. It's pretty early, huh? Or pretty late, depending on which way you look at things. Haha. I woke up a few hours ago and just couldn't go back to sleep. So, instead, I picked up my Bible and began to read, hoping that I would be able to get tired enough to fall back asleep.

While reading I came across this verse: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my  righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)

The past few weeks have honestly been quite hellish for me. On March 1st, I was admitted into the hospital for DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis). This basically means I wasn't taking care of my Type 1 Diabetes like I should've been doing and my blood sugars got too high and wouldn't come back down. I spent the rest of the week in the hospital trying to get better.

I then came home for my spring break to hopefully relax and get my health back in shape before the rest of the semester. However, little did I know that another blow would be waiting for me. Just yesterday morning, my boyfriend of six months called me over to his place and broke up with me. I won't go into details, but obviously, it hurt. A lot. I spent the rest of the day crying in bed and unwilling to motivate myself to do anything, really. So I assume that's why I couldn't really sleep tonight. With all of this on my mind, it makes it hard to relax enough to want to sleep.

It was right after I read that verse above that I felt God with me. I felt His presence near me as I cried while reading that verse over and over again. He placed His hand on my shoulder and whispered:

"Kaitlyn, my beautiful daughter, do not worry. Do not fear. I am with you every step of the way. I will not let you fall. Trust in me. Lean on me. Cast all your burdens on me and I will make you whole again. Do not worry or stress about what is to come. It is all in My hands. Let My will be done. I will never forsake you."

Those words He spoke over me soothed my soul. I know that healing my heart will take time. But I also know that I have a God on my side that will always be there for me no matter what.

So, I decided that I am going to take five specific steps in my life to make myself whole again.

1. I'm going to start living a healthier lifestyle.

There is no need for me to allow myself to wallow in self-pity or guilt and eat all the junk food I can manage. While I may indulge once or twice, I've decided to start working on becoming a healthier me. So, I'm going to start eating right and exercising more often. I honestly want to start running again and start training for 5ks, 10ks, and maybe even a half-marathon. This way, too, my diabetes will be better managed and I won't be feeling so run down anymore.

2. I'm going to spend time with friends.

I haven't done that much this semester (or even last semester) and I feel awful about that. I believe that healing myself will come more easily if I am surrounded by those whom I love and who love me back. So, I'm going to start going out with friends more, taking more adventures with them and just kicking back and having fun.

3. I'm going to dig into the Word.

This one is important. I feel that my spiritual health has also been declining recently and I am so ashamed of that. So, I'm going to start reading my Bible daily and start praying endlessly to God. He needs to become number one in my life again and I'm going to make sure that happens as soon as possible.

4. I'm going to forgive.

This one is also very important. I'm the type of person who can and will hold a grudge for a very long time. I need to learn how to undo that and control my feelings better. So, I'm going to start by forgiving myself. I can't blame myself for everything that has happened. It's not fair to me. And it just drags me down even more than I already am dragged down by current situations. I'm also going to forgive those who may have hurt me. There's no need for me to be angry at all these people all the time. It's not healthy. And if I do continue to be angry and hold a grudge, I won't be able to properly move on with my life.

5. I'm going to love myself.

We all have issues of self-worth. When my boyfriend broke up with me, all I could think was "I'm obviously not good enough. What's wrong with me? What happened? He deserves better than me." et cetera, et cetera. I was beating myself down. I told myself that I wasn't worthy of his (or anybody's) attention. That I didn't deserve to love and be loved in return. When, in reality, that is so not true. I deserve all of that and more. So, on this road to healing, I'm going to love myself. I'm going to work on boosting my self-confidence so that I can proclaim every minute of every hour of every day that "I am worth loving."

It's time for me to take a step back and start healing. And it may be time for some of you to do that as well. All I can say is: Kudos to you for taking that step. I know (I swear I do) that making that decision was a hard one. Sometimes, all we want to do is be upset and hurt and angry. But if we allow ourselves to do that, we will never move forward in life and will continue to hurt others along the way.

Be on the lookout for another post in the upcoming weeks about my progress to healing. These past few weeks were a wake up call for me. I'm ready to take on life and to make myself whole again, with friends, family, and most importantly, God, by my side every step of the way.

Strong and Brave

Let me start off this post by asking a simple question:

What comes to your mind when you think of someone you personally know (be it a friend, family member, loved one, etc.) telling you that they see a therapist on a regular basis?

You are probably thinking that this person (that you know pretty closely) has some serious problems that you weren't aware of. You may think that they're crazy or weird or just plain old weak.

That's right. Weak.

That's what I thought every time I thought about anyone going to see a therapist. Even myself.

I viewed therapy as weak. If you couldn't take care of yourself by yourself then what were you doing with yourself. I believed that we have the ability to take care of ourselves without any outside help.

Which is why I avoided therapy for the longest time. I made excuses not to go and would weasel my way out of it every single time.

That is, until I got to college.

Here at Berry, counseling is free to every student. There is a counseling center on campus and all you have to do is call in to make an appointment and you're all set. Sessions are set to one hour each and the counselors are there to listen and talk you through things.

For the past two years, I still told myself that counseling was weak. That it was embarrassing. Which is why I still never went or made an appointment. I was scared of what others would think of me.

However, a couple months ago, I made a decision that would change my life for the better. I made an appointment for a counseling session. I didn't tell anyone I was doing this--not even my parents. I still wanted to keep it a secret and wanted to see for myself how it went before letting anyone else in on the notion of me attending therapy.

And you know what?

It made me strong. And brave.

Therapy is not weak. It was never weak to begin with.

It is strong. It is courageous.

 

Society now rarely sees this as a healthy thing--as something that helps us. It is an overwhelming experience; we feel burnt out from it. Therapy is designed (by society) to make us feel vulnerable...exposed...as if there is a gaping wound in us that we cannot seem to close. And in the end, we start to beat ourselves up, believing that we can solve all of our problems by ourselves. We think we don't need professional help and when we realize we can't fix it on our own, we beat ourselves up even more. What's wrong with me?!?!

The first thing my counselor told me when I sat down for my first session a few months ago was "Good for you. You are doing something great for you and for others around you. Kudos. Be proud of yourself. You are brave. You. Are. Strong."

Seeking help is strong. And healthy. I read somewhere that "it takes courage to face our issues and to make a commitment to address them consciously, and move through them to the best of our ability".

We are human. Simply human. To ask for help only reassures the fact that WE ARE HUMAN. We are not perfect. It is impossible for us to be able to fix ourselves by ourselves. We aren't God. Nor are we robots. It is a natural experience to want or need others around us. To need help from others.

God created us for a purpose. And that purpose is not to self-destruct. To avoid help when you need it is to destroy, not only yourself, but others around you that you love and who love you. God would not want us to pull ourselves into a downward spiral. He would want us to seek help when we need it.

To seek for counseling means that you are healing. You are putting the work into yourself to help you heal, whether that be from a mental health issue or an event that put your life on hold. You are healing. You are being proactive. You are doing the work that is necessary for a healthy life. You are not being passive whatsoever. You. Are. Strong.

I currently go to a session about every other week. Today was my first session since the beginning of December. And it was so good to be back. I can already feel weights being lifted off my shoulders bit by bit. I can breathe a bit easier and I feel myself walking with my head a bit higher.

If you or anyone you know has been thinking about seeking professional help, please don't hesitate to make an appointment somewhere. These counselors are here to help you. If you don't want them to talk, they don't have to. If you don't want to talk, that's fine too. For my first session, it took my a good half hour to finally open up to this stranger. And when I did, it felt like I couldn't stop. So, don't worry, it may take some time to feel comfortable talking to a complete stranger, but it will get easier as time goes on. Trust me.

And if you are currently seeing a therapist or counselor, may I say kudos to you! Bravo! You are grabbing on to that tool that helps us pursue a healthy life!

And to all those nasty things the enemy may throw at us, be it abuse, loss, grief, depression, suffering, pain, etc., may I say: BRING IT ON.

I am not going to take any of this without putting up a fight of my own. And I hope you won't either. Fight on. Win. Show the enemy that he cannot control us.

In His Name.